Retired -- recently bereft -- being alone and dealing with depression

BonzaiDuck · Dec 8, 2024

Everybody here -- or many -- know my various personal concerns and history. In 2021, I was living under this roof with my disabled brother and my bed-bound Moms who was deteriorating from her dementia. I was not unhappy to have the company of my family, but I didn't realize how just having them alive in this house gave me some sort of emotional support. We could go a whole day with not more than a few words passing between us, but I felt their presence here. I underestimated the impact of their passing on me. Bro died of arteriosclerosis in January 2022, and Moms died in October of last year.

I had tried to walk a mile daily for several reasons, but mostly to extend my life and preserve what health I had, and hopefully to reduce the chances of a fate like that of Moms.

I came back from my surviving brother's house last Monday December 2 -- after visiting for the holiday. I hadn't felt like doing much for the remainder of the week. This problem of missing the other two members of my family is always in my mind. My surviving brother doesn't mind hearing me unload my sorrows, but I don't want to burden him.

I also don't want to burden my still-living friends. I could become a pest if I call them or e-mail them too much. I try to arrange lunch meetings with my local friends.

I think I need to reach out to my local senior center and get involved with activities there. I don't know what else to do.

The exercise helps. but I need to find some way to move on with my life. I decided to post this thread because I'm having a "bad patch" today. I have ongoing projects and chores here, and keeping busy makes my troubles recede. Today, I just had trouble activating myself for more than just a trip to COSTCO.

skyking · Dec 11, 2024

you've come to the right place because we are your many friends here, and your troubles are not a burden to us.
It has been a hell of a ride for you lately and I for one can relate.

BonzaiDuck · Dec 20, 2024

skyking said:
you've come to the right place because we are your many friends here, and your troubles are not a burden to us.
It has been a hell of a ride for you lately and I for one can relate.

Nice to know familiar forum members read through my prolix shit! And I'm not alone, from what you say!

Somewhere in another thread, I posted a "latest development". I acquired an extended-family member, otherwise homeless but not broke, to be "Chief of Housekeeping" in exchange for free rent -- excluding monthly payment of half the utility bills.

For the trial period so far of ten days, this can work out. I've got rid of that feeling I would have that "nobody is here but me and what will I do today?" Floors are being swept; kitchen is being kept clean and in order; refrigerator is being purged of "old shit" and properly organized. All sorts of wonderfulness.

The utility bill subsidy adds about $3,600 per annum that gives me an extra margin of "short term saving" so I never have to tap my Merrill-Lynch nest-egg and earnings for grounds care or home repair.

I'm not having any "bad patches" this week. I have many projects ongoing with a master-plan. I could've soaked my new boarder for a few hundred more per month, but if I'm going to be honest about taxes (and most people are less likely to do that), it alleviates the complication. For an old person who may eventually need to buy a new or newer vehicle, it's important to pile up money in savings and investments so one doesn't feel a sense of desperation.

But I've got a housekeeper! A Housekeeper! What a Great Day it is! She's something of a chatterbox and can exhaust me with her talk, but I can endure it. It's all much better than the situation before.

NutBucket · Dec 20, 2024

For your sake, I genuinely hope we are all wrong and your roommate works out

BonzaiDuck · Dec 20, 2024

NutBucket said:
For your sake, I genuinely hope we are all wrong and your roommate works out

Everybody gave the same advice; I even gave myself that advice. But I have to factor in my cousin himself: he really helped out when Moms was alive. He gives me good advice about the old Trooper. So when I explained all the other advice about his Ex, he understood. But this time around, with a decent excuse that she was replacing an engine in the Acura SUV which she called "home", we all came to the position that there was a ten-day trial, a one month trial, and a longer-term situation of advantage to everyone.

This is so far working out great. I go into the kitchen -- everything is put away. The refrigerator has been purged of old and nasty shit. The floor has been mopped. The upstairs cleanup of dead-family rooms is proceeding well. I have someone here just for their presence; I have someone here to talk to. I get a reprieve on my utility bills.

I'll post if anything troublesome arises, but I am optimistic! Going out to meet a friend for lunch now . . . it's a good day and will continue so. did I mention the four Miles Davis albums I bought the other day? All downloaded to my Trooper Android. Wonderfulness!

Iron Woode · Dec 20, 2024

As has been obvious in a number of threads, I, too, have been through a lot. My father passed away in 2008 (I posted about the issues he had and his death). I have many health issues to deal with including diabetes, kidney disease and having Open Heart Surgery for a congenital heart defect. All of these happening with almost no immediate family for support. My sister has been very helpful as has my GF. I live by myself and after all this crap I have been through it would have been easy to fall into a pit of despair and depression. I said f that! Nothing is going to stop me from living my life as best as I can. Those dark thoughts can go to hell.

I am sure you can do it, too. You must believe in your ability to overcome and triumph.

WelshBloke · Dec 20, 2024

@BonzaiDuck I don't see why the housekeeper thing won't work! Everyone needs a second chance. I mean there's no guarantee that it'll work but at least you're trying something and an adventure that goes a bit pear shaped is better than sitting on your own listening to the four walls!
Those senior activities sound like a good idea as well, it gives you access to services that you might not know are available as well!

BonzaiDuck · Dec 20, 2024

Yeah, thanks to all Woode and Bloke for the encouragement. I am going to enjoy this day. Do some cooking, use my streaming subscriptions, fix some bean soup and the roasted tomatoes.

No urgencies! I'm in a pretty good damn mood, I say! I think I'll even have a rum and eggnog . . .

WelshBloke · Dec 20, 2024

BonzaiDuck said:
Yeah, thanks to all Woode and Bloke for the encouragement. I am going to enjoy this day. Do some cooking, use my streaming subscriptions, fix some bean soup and the roasted tomatoes.

No urgencies! I'm in a pretty good damn mood, I say! I think I'll even have a rum and eggnog . . .

I mean that sounds like an excellent day tbh! Enjoy the eggnog!

BonzaiDuck · Dec 20, 2024

WelshBloke said:
I mean that sounds like an excellent day tbh! Enjoy the eggnog!

I'm not even seriously depressed to hear that Elon Muks is trying to re-Nazi-fy Germany. Concerned maybe. But I can flip to a streaming channel for something inspiring, like "Lioness".

pete6032 · Dec 21, 2024

I read all of your posts and know who you are when you post. Can't say that for all the members here. Wishing you the best in your situation.

BoomerD · Dec 22, 2024

Duckie, you're in SoCal, right? Get out and enjoy the beaches if you're close enough...you don't have to get IN the water, just being by the water, watching and listening to the waves can be cathartic...and if there are girls in 'kinis...even better. We live just a few minutes drive from the ocean beaches. I DO NOT get in the water here...too fckn cold...(around 50F) but we still drive down and onto the beach, just to enjoy the surf, the smells and sounds of the ocean.

daveybrat · Dec 22, 2024

akil24 said:
Yes we are your friends here for removing your depression.

I have both depression and anxiety, can you help me to 'remove' them as well??

skyking · Dec 23, 2024

duck, I miss my fam while I am away building our retirement digs. I signed up for it but it does get to me.
Luckily Daisy dog checks in on me daily and that helps a bunch.

I'm glad the roomie thing is working out for you. You sound so much better for it.

BonzaiDuck · Jan 4, 2025

At this point, the only negative thing about the 2025 New Year is the Inauguration and the uncertainty of the economy. My house is a lot cleaner and this is quite inspiring . . .

skyking · Jan 4, 2025

focus inward, especially now that the house is coming together for you.

BoomerD · Jan 4, 2025

Get yourself a fur kid…I prefer dogs to cats…IMO, they make better companions, but even a cat might help.
Myself, being an introvert, would love to live alone should something happen to my wife. Not a chance I’d want a human roommate…male or female.

BonzaiDuck · Jan 8, 2025

BoomerD said:
Get yourself a fur kid…I prefer dogs to cats…IMO, they make better companions, but even a cat might help.
Myself, being an introvert, would love to live alone should something happen to my wife. Not a chance I’d want a human roommate…male or female.

That's a plan for the forthcoming year. My reticence about getting a canine companion derives from our previous experience in this house during the late 1970s. In those days, I'd fly out here from the East for the holidays. My now departed youngest brother was living here with Moms.

Bro had a little mutt named "Head Light". This was a smart, well-behaved dog. One night between Xmas and New Years, Bro threw a VHS tape on the player for "Deep Throat" -- the Linda Lovelace classic. We sat on the couch, and Head Light made herself comfortable on the floor between us, also watching the film.

During one of those raunchy piston-pumping scenes of Linda's derriere, I had an illuminating playful thought to test Head Light on her understanding and awareness. I turned to my brother and said "Why don't we do that with Head Light?!"

Head Light turned around, stood on her haunches and started barking at me, loudly -- fiercely -- passionately, and she wasn't going to stop too soon.

Well, those are the fond memories. a year or so later, the chucklehead who lived next door decided he wanted to poison the entire hillside, ridding it of all vegetable life, coyotes, ground squirrels, skunks, and rabbits. My brother, suspecting nothing, let Head Light out the back door on that hillside to do her business. An hour or two after her return, she appeared to be quite sick. Bro took her to a vet, who pronounced that she'd been poisoned. And that was the end of Head Light.

So in preparing for a dog, I need to plan for poop management, limiting access to the undeveloped hillside, and my own ability to take the dog for walks. They have to walk for their own health, as do I.

BoomerD · Jan 12, 2025

BonzaiDuck said:
That's a plan for the forthcoming year. My reticence about getting a canine companion derives from our previous experience in this house during the late 1970s. In those days, I'd fly out here from the East for the holidays. My now departed youngest brother was living here with Moms.

Bro had a little mutt named "Head Light". This was a smart, well-behaved dog. One night between Xmas and New Years, Bro threw a VHS tape on the player for "Deep Throat" -- the Linda Lovelace classic. We sat on the couch, and Head Light made herself comfortable on the floor between us, also watching the film.

During one of those raunchy piston-pumping scenes of Linda's derriere, I had an illuminating playful thought to test Head Light on her understanding and awareness. I turned to my brother and said "Why don't we do that with Head Light?!"

Head Light turned around, stood on her haunches and started barking at me, loudly -- fiercely -- passionately, and she wasn't going to stop too soon.

Well, those are the fond memories. a year or so later, the chucklehead who lived next door decided he wanted to poison the entire hillside, ridding it of all vegetable life, coyotes, ground squirrels, skunks, and rabbits. My brother, suspecting nothing, let Head Light out the back door on that hillside to do her business. An hour or two after her return, she appeared to be quite sick. Bro took her to a vet, who pronounced that she'd been poisoned. And that was the end of Head Light.

So in preparing for a dog, I need to plan for poop management, limiting access to the undeveloped hillside, and my own ability to take the dog for walks. They have to walk for their own health, as do I.

There ya go then...get a dog for YOUR health and well-being.

mike8675309 · Jan 12, 2025

In Minnesota, and I assume most other states, you can get access to free education from universities. And with the pandemic, many of those resources are available remotely as well.
Digging into learning something new can be a really good way to keep someone busy and be something that actually feels like value. It can get you into a new "friend" group, with different ideas and different conversations than you normally feel your life has had.

I plan to take advantage of that when I retire.

BonzaiDuck · Jan 18, 2025

I appreciate this availability of college courses for these reasons. Right now, I have plenty to do just resurrecting my house after the passing of my family members. I have "projects" and "tasks" scheduled every day, but the idea is to reach a point where I can really make time for other activities such as you suggest.

I once had an opportunity -- in 1972 -- to relocate in Minnesota and work for 3M. I was there at the end of summer, and it is just such a lovely place. There are other positive reasons recommending it as well, but save that for "P&N".

Retired -- recently bereft -- being alone and dealing with depression

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