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[chrisms]

My first girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. We were together for a year and during that time we went around the world together to 17 countries. The major problem was that we are both community college transfer students on a different year of college and I am going to university this semester while she is probably not going until next Fall at least. Even then she probably won't go to the same school as me.

We lived together for that year and really got infatuated with one another. For the last couple days we've had hours long conversations on AIM, sometimes getting into analyzing our relationship but mostly just asking how things are going. I really feel no desire to get back together with her and she dumped me so I doubt she wants me back either.

In a couple of days I was planning on stopping by our old place, where she lives on her own now, to temporarily install my hard drive on her computer to get some files off. My computer broke and I got a new laptop, and she also wants the pictures from our trip transferred over. We also have a few items left to exchange. This would be the first test if our friendship can transfer over from instant messages to real life.

Am I wasting my time with this? I really do enjoy talking to her because of the memories we shared on the trip, but at the same time I know the common thought is that friendship with exes never works. She was my first girlfriend so I have no experience with this.

 

[ColdFusion718]

Just get whatever you need to get from her and move on. I would say it's best not to stay in contact with her. If you dated casually, that'd be a different story. Since you lived together for a year, I would advise against that.

Keeping contact will make moving on harder. Get her off of your AIM buddy list. Good luck!

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: ColdFusion718
Just get whatever you need to get from her and move on. I would say it's best not to stay in contact with her. If you dated casually, that'd be a different story. Since you lived together for a year, I would advise against that.

Keeping contact will make moving on harder. Get her off of your AIM buddy list. Good luck!

Even if I really think I have moved on? I mean I've imagined scenarios in my head of her dating other people, and as long as its a decent guy I would be happy for her. Of course imagining it and seeing it are two different things.

There really is no other motive here. If she answered the door naked I would not want to get back together with her.

 

[animalia]

My first gf dumped me as well. We dated for 3 months and she dumped me over the phone. I didn't call her after. Avoided Eye contact etc. It was such a low blow the way she delivered the break up. She would say. "Hi, Joe" in the halls to try to be nice. Me: "Hi." And that was it. I havent seen her since. She is graduating from HS this Spring and I am at a CC. oh-bla-dee oh-bla-da life goes on!

 

[nospittingfan]

NO NO and NO... not until after you get over her (easiest way: like another girl). Trust me, you guys won't be able to get over each other if you guys keep in contact and stay in touch. This is based on personal experience, and also I have tons of friends going through this exact torturous agony, and it's not a good idea - for you or for her.

Think of it this way: It's better to die getting shot in the heart than having all your limbs stretched out in a torture chamber. Cut it off with her!

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: nospittingfan
NO NO and NO... not until after you get over her (easiest way: like another girl). Trust me, you guys won't be able to get over each other if you guys keep in contact and stay in touch. This is based on personal experience, and also I have tons of friends going through this exact torturous agony, and it's not a good idea - for you or for her.

Think of it this way: It's better to die getting shot in the heart than having all your limbs stretched out in a torture chamber. Cut it off with her!

I see what you're saying. I really do think I'm over her, but I understand its important to spend more than a month away from her before knowing that. This won't be a problem as I'm moving a six hour drive away from here in a few days, so even if I wanted more she would still just be an acquantince.

I should've mentioned that in the original post.. I will not be around her city very often anyways. Every couple months maybe. So we would still have completely seperate lives and be more or less "catching up" type of friends.

 

[RFtesla]

I'm still friends with one of my ex if it's any consolation. We had kind of a rough break up but I'm the forgiving type, I didn't talk to her for 4 or 5 months afterward. However time does seem to heal things like this . The way I rationalized it was that we did share a couple of years of incredible memories and it would be a shame to forget about that stuff. So it eventually smoothed out and now she has a new bf and it doesn't bug me at all, we're still pretty good friends. however, if she decided to dump him and ask for me back, I wouldn't even think about dating her again.

 

[OVerLoRDI]

No, staying friends with your ex girlfriend, especially after a serious relationship is the stupidest thing ever. Get her out of your mind, don't talk to her and refuse any attempts she makes to be friends with you. It is better for both of you.

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: RFtesla
I'm still friends with one of my ex if it's any consolation. We had kind of a rough break up but I'm the forgiving type, I didn't talk to her for 4 or 5 months afterward. However time does seem to heal things like this . The way I rationalized it was that we did share a couple of years of incredible memories and it would be a shame to forget about that stuff. So it eventually smoothed out and now she has a new bf and it doesn't bug me at all. However, if she decided to dump him and ask for me back, I wouldn't even think about dating her again.

That's how I feel.. I have no interest in getting back together with her. The incredible memory we had was our trip, and that is why I mentioned it. Whether she was my girlfriend or just a drinking buddy isn't the point, it doesn't seem right to cut off contact with the person I shared that experience with.

But again we've only been apart for a month and you had 4 or 5.. so again maybe I should wait before making this decision.

 

[Aimster]

Im friends with my ex but I told her onces the benefits stop the game stops. so...

 

[Zugzwang152]

For me, we never really developed true friendship until after we began seeing other people.

 

[nospittingfan]

Originally posted by: chrisms

Originally posted by: nospittingfan
NO NO and NO... not until after you get over her (easiest way: like another girl). Trust me, you guys won't be able to get over each other if you guys keep in contact and stay in touch. This is based on personal experience, and also I have tons of friends going through this exact torturous agony, and it's not a good idea - for you or for her.

Think of it this way: It's better to die getting shot in the heart than having all your limbs stretched out in a torture chamber. Cut it off with her!

I see what you're saying. I really do think I'm over her, but I understand its important to spend more than a month away from her before knowing that. This won't be a problem as I'm moving a six hour drive away from here in a few days, so even if I wanted more she would still just be an acquantince.

I should've mentioned that in the original post.. I will not be around her city very often anyways. Every couple months maybe. So we would still have completely seperate lives and be more or less "catching up" type of friends.

I understand how you feel... Just be wary when you do find yourselves in the same city for a weekend or something...temptation to dial/hang out will be there! Just don't slip into the "Friends with benz" category.

 

[zerocool84]

i'm very good friends with one of my ex's but we only were together like 4 months and she dumped me, we didnt talk for a couple months but we were still friends with "benefits" and 2 years later we still do our things SOMETIMES but not all the time. we are just really good friends and care about each other like friends but i tried it with someone else and it didnt work. i guess it's just the relationship the both of you have. most time i have seen it not work

 

[Beev]

If you can be around her and NOT think about loving her, sex, etc then you're probably ok. If you can view her as just one of your friends then you're golden.

Of course, she has to think the same of you.

 

[chrisms]

Thanks a lot for the advice. I guess the fact that I'm moving away will make this decision for me. That's one of the reasons I applied to the University in the farthest corner of the state after we broke up--it forces me to stay away.

I think it is true that until we both date other people we won't know if it will work. As far as I can tell now we'd both be fine with it, she said she felt the same way as me (as long as the person wasn't using me or a bad influence she'd be happy that I found someone).

I guess I'll just do my part to keep in touch every now and then, and if it starts to hurt me or I start trying to talk to her too much I will just cut it off completely for my own good. I do understand the trap you're all talking about and want to avoid it.

As far as thinking about loving her, sex, etc. That is what I'm waiting to see about. I've been completely fine through instant messaging but if I do get those feelings when I go to see her all contact ends there.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Get your sh1t and ship out.

 

[DefDC]

I'm still friends with 3 of my ex's, but I knew that it was over with them. Depends on the maturity level of both parties, and how fresh and deep the wound is/was, I guess...

 

[bignateyk]

If you are still analyzing your relationship with her, then its probably a bad idea. Its ok to try to be friends with an ex, but there needs to be a period where you are out of contact with her to make sure you are over it.

If you lived with her for a year, and had all those memories, then id say you should cut off contact for a few months at least, and then when you have both moved on, then a friendship is possible.

But if one or both of you has an attraction beyond friendship (which is sounds like you do if you talk for hours about your relationship, and the memories from it), then it wont work..

 

[Koing]

Yes but only if your over them.

Koing

 

[AnonymouseUser]

I haven't been able to in the past, but my brother and his ex (dated for ~6 years, broke up 2 years ago) are still friends. Hell, just yesterday he showed up at my dad's and brought her and her boyfriend.

 

[Spineshank]

Usually not possible right away but after some time sure.

 

[shadow9d9]

Yep.. I am friends with all my exs and I am married now...

 

[Rachael]

My feeling is that you should stop contact with her until your feelings for her are completely ironed out (and so are her feelings for you). Once you no longer harbor romantic feelings for each other- then sure, go ahead and be friends! But don't under any circumstances try to be friends if you still have feelings for her, really it's only going to end in a lot of bad times.

 

[silverpig]

More time first, then you can try the friend thing.

 

[postmortemIA]

When you find chick that you like more than your ex, then you can do it.