One of these test answers is mine. Guess which!
1. I once wrote a paper while I was still in Catholic Highschool about
Christ-like aliens charging through the classroom, enslaving the
entire school and causing a make-shift facist government across the
entire country. The topic of the paper was "How does Christ influence
your life." I recieved an A.
2. I once wrote "small bombs" under the "hobbies" question of a
student survey. This was shortly after the Columbine media wank fest,
and I was called to the principal's office to explain. I got out of a
referral by filling out another copy of the survey.
3. I took the back side of an Econ quiz and drew Will from Fresh
Prince laying out on a raft with a glass of lemonade saying "Yo Uncle
Phil, check it out! I filled the pool up with astroglide!", with Uncle
Phil going insane. I had "WILL!!!!" sprawled out across half the page.
4. Sometime during my senior year in highschool, I had to partner up
with a friend and do a collage on the underlying theme of farenheit
451. We found a large picture of a man with an assault rifle jumping
over some flaming tires, pasted salvadore dali's head onto his
shoulder, coated the rest of the paper with alcohol ads, and got the
only A in the class.
5. I took a class called "The Rise and Fall of Nazi Germany" with a
teacher who either didn't read the papers or had a good sense of
humor. I wrote my paper normally, but my friend Kareem cited such
classic books as "Ernest Goes to Concentration Camp." He got a 95.
6. For my finance class, my group had to give a presentation about
comparing and contrasting two companies. Actually, every group in the
class had to do the same exact presentation. So, we decide to do
something different and set our presentation up as a newscast. They
wanted me to be the anchorman "in studio", so I said "Okay, but I'm
opening with a joke". I should mention that I absolutely detest this
professor. I wouldn't piss on his chest if his heart were on fire.
Plus I know he's Mr. Family Values, so I decided to steal an old Chevy
Chase bit for my opening joke. "Our top story tonight: The US Post
Office has released a new stamp to celebrate prostitution. It's a ten
cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a buck fifty."
7. As an assignment in my 10th grade government class each student was
assigned a U.S. political figure at random, and we were to research
their views on a laundry list of issues-of-the-moment. The ultimate
goal was to use this information to write up a mock interview,
showcasing said figures standings in a realistic manner. Being that i
ended up with Jesse "The body" Ventura, I felt obligated to forego any
and all research. Instead I opted to write the most detailed and long
winded questions my 15 year old vernacular would allow, to which
Ventura would reply by quoting his various lines from "Predator".
Sadly my presentation of this masterpiece wasn't very well recieved. I
made it almost half way, when Venturas response of "I ain't got time
to bleed" regarding an abortion question proved enough for the teacher
to ask me to stop.
8. In AP U.S. History we had these tests that the teacher never
actually read, just made sure something was written there and gave us
credit.
Part of it had some name or treaty or whatever and you had to give a
short one-line definition in the space next to it.
Whenever I didn't know the answer to one of these, I'd put "screwed
the indians" or "indians lost" or "killed indians" etc. during the
colonial period and early 1800s, then later I just replaced "indians"
with "the south" or "the north", unions and corporations during the
early 1900s etc.
9. On the notes page for the AP Government test this year, I had
enough free time to draw out a certain illustrated storyboard that
went a little like this:
"Obi-Wan never told you about your father."
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!!"
"No, I am your father."
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
My pen had both blue and red ink, so I was able to convey the story quite well.
10. Back in 12th grade English we had a vocab quiz where one of the
words was "Diurnal", I couldn't remember what it meant, so I wrote "2
guys pissing at the same time"
The extra credit was "A man is found dead with 53 bicycles around him.
How did he die?" I answered, "He cheated at poker, and was then
brutally raped and murdered by the mafia, drunks, clowns, and a
housewife."
11. I once wrote about 5 pages for a final exam where I paraphrased
Dante's Inferno into a Wal-mart. Obviously, customer service was the
lowest level of hell. The words "kick Hitler in the junk" appeared at
least twice. I ended the thing by writing down that it was getting
pretty late, and something about tossing a chair through a window and
leaving the wal-mart.
12. In high school economics one of the questions we had on an exam
was something like, "What are the 3 ways the government loans money to
private citizens?" I put down 2 correct answers, but I couldn't think
of the 3rd one, so I wrote "at gunpoint".
13. Wuthering Heights Essay Question: "Describe the cause(s) that
drives Heathcliffe to act as he does."
My Answer: I drew a blank on this question, since WH was so utterly
monotonous to me, so I grabbed the first thing that came to mind; a
sign in front of a local TruValue hardware. "Vestal Fireplace Inserts"
14. For a college level american history final, we had to write a
story about a man who lived 50 years, being born in 1870. My character
lost some of his family in the civil war and cashed in on the credit
mobilier scandal, which leads him to open a general store selling
wagonloads of supplies to the people seeking gold in the Klondike gold
rush. He has several daughters and does not like any of them, so he
divorces his wife and gets another in hopes of bearing a son. Due to
the lack of fertility aids, he witnesses the invention of Jack Daniels
and Jim Beam and becomes quite fond of both of the beverages in the
use of consummating his marriage.
He eventually has a son who gets drafted and sent to WW1. He dies. The
man gets depressed and drinks more Jack Daniels. After the US
legalized women's right to vote, he buys a new rifle, then shoots the
wife then himself. I got an A.
15. In English in 10th grade, we had to research a topic at the
library and hand a paper about this topic in the next day during
class. I played cards with some friends instead of researching and
then made up all of my research material. All of the authors I cited
were players on the Pittsburgh Penguins. She had no clue.
16. The first thing that comes to mind was when I was in 10th grade
Chemistry. One question on a test was "List the steps to the
scientific method". I wrote:
1.Put right hand in.
2.Put right hand out.
3.Put right hand in and shake it all about.
4.Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about.
My teacher gave me half credit.
17. Once there was an assignment in English where we had to memorize a
dozen lines of Romeo and Juliet that night for a grade. Extra credit
was given for every extra line you memorized. I cut all of my classes
and spent the 23 hours after that class memorizing the scene with
Mercutio's rant about Queen Mab. I got 3 230's in that class and
didn't have to do anything for the next six weeks.
18. 10th grade world history: Who financed Magellan's Expedition?
Joe Machen's Ford (local ford dealership).
19. During my freshman year of high school, I took a basic music
appreciation class. The teacher gave each notable musician/ composer a
nickname, which was usually "the master of (instrument". When I saw
two of the questions I had to give a joke answer.
Who was the master of the organ? (Bach?)
Ron Jeremy
Who was man who set music free? (Beethoven)
Abraham Lincoln
The teacher didn't think it was funny, but I sure did.
20. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Answer: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
Divine Being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting,
"Oh, My God."
1. I once wrote a paper while I was still in Catholic Highschool about
Christ-like aliens charging through the classroom, enslaving the
entire school and causing a make-shift facist government across the
entire country. The topic of the paper was "How does Christ influence
your life." I recieved an A.
2. I once wrote "small bombs" under the "hobbies" question of a
student survey. This was shortly after the Columbine media wank fest,
and I was called to the principal's office to explain. I got out of a
referral by filling out another copy of the survey.
3. I took the back side of an Econ quiz and drew Will from Fresh
Prince laying out on a raft with a glass of lemonade saying "Yo Uncle
Phil, check it out! I filled the pool up with astroglide!", with Uncle
Phil going insane. I had "WILL!!!!" sprawled out across half the page.
4. Sometime during my senior year in highschool, I had to partner up
with a friend and do a collage on the underlying theme of farenheit
451. We found a large picture of a man with an assault rifle jumping
over some flaming tires, pasted salvadore dali's head onto his
shoulder, coated the rest of the paper with alcohol ads, and got the
only A in the class.
5. I took a class called "The Rise and Fall of Nazi Germany" with a
teacher who either didn't read the papers or had a good sense of
humor. I wrote my paper normally, but my friend Kareem cited such
classic books as "Ernest Goes to Concentration Camp." He got a 95.
6. For my finance class, my group had to give a presentation about
comparing and contrasting two companies. Actually, every group in the
class had to do the same exact presentation. So, we decide to do
something different and set our presentation up as a newscast. They
wanted me to be the anchorman "in studio", so I said "Okay, but I'm
opening with a joke". I should mention that I absolutely detest this
professor. I wouldn't piss on his chest if his heart were on fire.
Plus I know he's Mr. Family Values, so I decided to steal an old Chevy
Chase bit for my opening joke. "Our top story tonight: The US Post
Office has released a new stamp to celebrate prostitution. It's a ten
cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a buck fifty."
7. As an assignment in my 10th grade government class each student was
assigned a U.S. political figure at random, and we were to research
their views on a laundry list of issues-of-the-moment. The ultimate
goal was to use this information to write up a mock interview,
showcasing said figures standings in a realistic manner. Being that i
ended up with Jesse "The body" Ventura, I felt obligated to forego any
and all research. Instead I opted to write the most detailed and long
winded questions my 15 year old vernacular would allow, to which
Ventura would reply by quoting his various lines from "Predator".
Sadly my presentation of this masterpiece wasn't very well recieved. I
made it almost half way, when Venturas response of "I ain't got time
to bleed" regarding an abortion question proved enough for the teacher
to ask me to stop.
8. In AP U.S. History we had these tests that the teacher never
actually read, just made sure something was written there and gave us
credit.
Part of it had some name or treaty or whatever and you had to give a
short one-line definition in the space next to it.
Whenever I didn't know the answer to one of these, I'd put "screwed
the indians" or "indians lost" or "killed indians" etc. during the
colonial period and early 1800s, then later I just replaced "indians"
with "the south" or "the north", unions and corporations during the
early 1900s etc.
9. On the notes page for the AP Government test this year, I had
enough free time to draw out a certain illustrated storyboard that
went a little like this:
"Obi-Wan never told you about your father."
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!!"
"No, I am your father."
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
My pen had both blue and red ink, so I was able to convey the story quite well.
10. Back in 12th grade English we had a vocab quiz where one of the
words was "Diurnal", I couldn't remember what it meant, so I wrote "2
guys pissing at the same time"
The extra credit was "A man is found dead with 53 bicycles around him.
How did he die?" I answered, "He cheated at poker, and was then
brutally raped and murdered by the mafia, drunks, clowns, and a
housewife."
11. I once wrote about 5 pages for a final exam where I paraphrased
Dante's Inferno into a Wal-mart. Obviously, customer service was the
lowest level of hell. The words "kick Hitler in the junk" appeared at
least twice. I ended the thing by writing down that it was getting
pretty late, and something about tossing a chair through a window and
leaving the wal-mart.
12. In high school economics one of the questions we had on an exam
was something like, "What are the 3 ways the government loans money to
private citizens?" I put down 2 correct answers, but I couldn't think
of the 3rd one, so I wrote "at gunpoint".
13. Wuthering Heights Essay Question: "Describe the cause(s) that
drives Heathcliffe to act as he does."
My Answer: I drew a blank on this question, since WH was so utterly
monotonous to me, so I grabbed the first thing that came to mind; a
sign in front of a local TruValue hardware. "Vestal Fireplace Inserts"
14. For a college level american history final, we had to write a
story about a man who lived 50 years, being born in 1870. My character
lost some of his family in the civil war and cashed in on the credit
mobilier scandal, which leads him to open a general store selling
wagonloads of supplies to the people seeking gold in the Klondike gold
rush. He has several daughters and does not like any of them, so he
divorces his wife and gets another in hopes of bearing a son. Due to
the lack of fertility aids, he witnesses the invention of Jack Daniels
and Jim Beam and becomes quite fond of both of the beverages in the
use of consummating his marriage.
He eventually has a son who gets drafted and sent to WW1. He dies. The
man gets depressed and drinks more Jack Daniels. After the US
legalized women's right to vote, he buys a new rifle, then shoots the
wife then himself. I got an A.
15. In English in 10th grade, we had to research a topic at the
library and hand a paper about this topic in the next day during
class. I played cards with some friends instead of researching and
then made up all of my research material. All of the authors I cited
were players on the Pittsburgh Penguins. She had no clue.
16. The first thing that comes to mind was when I was in 10th grade
Chemistry. One question on a test was "List the steps to the
scientific method". I wrote:
1.Put right hand in.
2.Put right hand out.
3.Put right hand in and shake it all about.
4.Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about.
My teacher gave me half credit.
17. Once there was an assignment in English where we had to memorize a
dozen lines of Romeo and Juliet that night for a grade. Extra credit
was given for every extra line you memorized. I cut all of my classes
and spent the 23 hours after that class memorizing the scene with
Mercutio's rant about Queen Mab. I got 3 230's in that class and
didn't have to do anything for the next six weeks.
18. 10th grade world history: Who financed Magellan's Expedition?
Joe Machen's Ford (local ford dealership).
19. During my freshman year of high school, I took a basic music
appreciation class. The teacher gave each notable musician/ composer a
nickname, which was usually "the master of (instrument". When I saw
two of the questions I had to give a joke answer.
Who was the master of the organ? (Bach?)
Ron Jeremy
Who was man who set music free? (Beethoven)
Abraham Lincoln
The teacher didn't think it was funny, but I sure did.
20. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Answer: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
Divine Being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting,
"Oh, My God."