.

[kassy]

As a married person it would depend on what we had decided as a couple regarding that aspect of our relationship.

My husband expects me to be faithful to him and I expect no less of him.
He expects me not to encourage the advances of other men; I expect no less of him.

What would I do in you situation?
I don't know, but I do know that I would be taking time out to sort out how I felt about it, because to be honest it doesn?t matter how she feels about it, she lost that right when she did what she did. (IF fidelity was expected within your marriage.)

Some people decide that sex and emotion can be separate and that?s cool, as long both parties agree.. (hehe Amish!).
Others feel that being faithful is an important part of their relationship and that?s cool too.
What isn't cool is when you change the 'rules' behind the other persons back, because trust and honesty are the most important things in any relationship.

IF your relationship was built a foundation of expected fidelity and your spouse didn't honor that then you have some serious thinking to do.
YOU are the only person who can decide whether you believe her story, whether you can trust her again and whether its all worth it.

Give yourself time.. without any input from her and think about what this means to you and how you feel about the possible impact it will have on your relationship.


--------------------------------------------

EDIT - Actually I do know what I would do. (I had forgotten about my first marriage)
When I found out that my extremely jealous first husband had a love interest of the male kind, I took a photo of him, enlarged it and went to a shooting range...
When I had finished, his picture had 10 nicely spaced facial holes...
Several weeks later, on Valentines Day, he presented me with a red rose and I presented him with the picture along with my new address.

--------------------------------------------

 

[Electric Amish]

Originally posted by: rickn

Originally posted by: Electric Amish

Originally posted by: rickn
like a previous poster said, seek out a marriage counselor. did your wife voluntarily divulge what happened? If so, most counselors will tell you that is a GOOD thing. She did it to get attention. If your marriage is important to you, seek some marriage counseling. You and your wife definitely need it.

Yes run to more people for answers to your own problems.

amish

and who are you, The Amazing Kreskin? What qualifications do you have in giving marital advice? There is more to marital infidelity than "Oh, I was drunk" Give me a break. So you can stuff them rolling eyes back into your head now.

First of all, he came here asking for advice.

Secondly, my qualifications...

Married 10 years
I slept with another woman while been married.
My wife has BJ'd another man during our marriage.

I would think that probably makes me a little more qualified than the average ATOT teenie-bopper.

I'm just saying that if he can't get over this, he doesn't love her and no amount of counselling will change that.

I'm also saying that I think most counsellors are full of sh!t.

And, finally, I'm saying everyone here should lighten up. Always jumping to the worst possible conclusion without the slighest amount of evidence.

amish

 

[DNMonty]

Kinda cloudy on the details. Are these co-workers she works with locally or she travelled to visit? Was she wearing her wedding ring? (i.e. did THEY know she was even married)
I'm recently divorced after catching my wife in an online affair which grew into more. According to emails and IM chats I uncovered, she was telling him and others all along that she was not only divorced, but had been for years. By the time this guy really "knew" he was already very involved and didn't want to let go.
She had a lot of problems, which I tried to help her with, but sometimes if her heart isn't in tune with yours, you have to let her go. If this was a cry for attention or a moment (few moments though?) of weakness or confusion (especially while enibriated) then some counselling, whether with just each other or a professional may save what you have. If she or you don't think there is something to save than no amount of counselling is going to help.
I found I wanted nothing more than to make her happy, help her get things straight because I cared about her. What I learned was you can't make someone love you that doesn't, and you can't make someone get better just because you want them to. They have to see the wrong in it. If she doesn't see it as inappropriate, then you aren't going to convince her it was. Her heart is gone.
Whether she went further or not is immaterial, unless of course she's pregnant or diseased. I'm guessing you weren't her first nor you hers, so it isn't like the waters weren't already tainted but acceptable.
To a couple in real love, none of that will matter. You can't have love with only one participant, kinda like clapping with one hand.
Just my $0.02, was married for 7.5 years, engaged for 2 years prior, dated for 2 years prior to that. Known each other for 13 years all together. Still didn't apparently know her for sure. Some things you just can't attach a logical explanation to.

 

[Stark]

First of all, he came here asking for advice.

Secondly, my qualifications...

Married 10 years
I slept with another woman while been married.
My wife has BJ'd another man during our marriage.

I would think that probably makes me a little more qualified than the average ATOT teenie-bopper.

I'm just saying that if he can't get over this, he doesn't love her and no amount of counselling will change that.

I'm also saying that I think most counsellors are full of sh!t.

And, finally, I'm saying everyone here should lighten up. Always jumping to the worst possible conclusion without the slighest amount of evidence.

... and it once again proves that you're morally bankrupt. Yes, things like adultery happen in a marriage and with hard work the marriage can be saved. However it is not something to be taken lightly. "Lighten up" is the last thing he or his wife should be doing. It sounds like that's exactly what got them into this situation. Marriage is not easy. Life is not easy.

My advice as one of the self-proclaimed "Jesus freaks" around here is simple: go to church together.

 

[Electric Amish]

Marriage is not easy. Life is not easy.

They are what you choose to make them.

amish

 

[JoeBaD]

Nevertheless, it's still just sex. It's when she begins to have feelings for the other men that you need to start worrying.

Moron thing to say!!

Once she has sex its tooooo late to be worrying.

2 men on 2 different nights!!!!

Once maybe, but twice. She didn't learn after the first.

Adious chiceta (sp)!!

 

[Miramonti]

I've been in this situation before and know that what you're going thru is probably pure hell (unless you're Amish that is, in which case you're probably jerking off to the thought of it).

Technically this isn't adultry but when trust is broken and the vows are comprimised, its just as well because trust is the most important thing in marriage. Without it, why be married.

Forgiving an incident that happens once is very important, while at the same time the issues that enabled it to happen, or allowed her to think it was ok to do even once, must be addressed. You're in an unfortunate situation if she is in a different part of the country, but trust must be restored and it might require some large efforts on both sides, hers to help you trust her, yours to trust when you worry it will happen again.

"Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me." As a result I was only married 3 years.

 

[minendo]

Edit: She was drunk, but she knew what was going on and this went on all night.

Drunkeness is not an excuse.

 

[dirtboy]

I'd say this is pretty serious. I'd ask myself, why is my wife out on trips getting drunk and letting other guys feel her body? This is the start of a pattern and if it isn't stopped, it will only progress and possibly get worse. Then again, it depends on if this bothers you or not.

 

[Miramonti]

Originally posted by: minendo

Edit: She was drunk, but she knew what was going on and this went on all night.

Drunkeness is not an excuse.

Yep. Everyone married woman in the bar wasn't letting it happen to them so why did she?

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

it would break my heart

 

[GasX]

... and it once again proves that you're morally bankrupt. [...]My advice as one of the self-proclaimed "Jesus freaks" around here is simple: go to church together.

Most people who say crap like this are closet gays or closet serial killers or closet adulterers or closet... The louder they shout the more they need to look into the mirror.

 

[Kindjal]

Speaking in my lawyerly tone ... please do not act in haste. Avoid any immediate urgings to divorce. You are obviously pissed and the general concensus is that you are justified (I think that includes everyone ... except Amish

). I am not sure if your believe in forgiveness but be that as it may, this is one of those "better or for worse" moments.

Let cooler heads prevail, it's okay to be pissed (no physical acts of being pissed, please) but seek out some sort of counseling because this issue will probably eat you up inside. And like others have hinted, you need to get at the root of this behavior. It could be a problem with alcohol or it could be a problem in the relationship, or one maybe contributing to both.

In any case, hold off on giving the boot - remember that love is more than exclusive sexual coupling (although important). Forgiveness is a powerful liberator - but to forgive does not mean to forget.

My last bit of advice is to avoid taking advice from people on the internet but hopefully that is self-evident by now!

 

[rickn]

Obviously if his wife came and told him out of her own free will, there is still some honesty between them. If their marriage is emotionally sound and it is just about sex, maybe a sex therapist would help. If she is just bored when she is away, buy her some toys. She can learn to pleasure herself on those trips away. We don't know all the details of their relationship, which is why they either need to talk to each other, a real heart to heart, or seek some counseling.

And Amish, you sound like a very emotionally withdrawn person. Have you ever truely had an orgasm? Not just ejaculation, but an orgasm? You'd realize there is emotion behind sex.

 

[aimn]

That is just what she admitted too......I am sure more than that went on.


PS...........I am divorced.

 

[Gujski]

How old are you two? How long have you been married? Is she on an extended float or something, ie gone to sea for 6 months? If so how long into it? If she left on a 6 month float 3 weeks ago and this already happened, then you may have problems. Not saying it is any better if it happens in the last month of a float but 6 months away from home can be stressfull. If it was 2 women who did that to her maybe that wouldnt be so bad, but maybe she views these two people as good friends only, who knows. Hang in there dude, get some more facts, talk about it w/ her.

 

[Electric Amish]

And Amish, you sound like a very emotionally withdrawn person. Have you ever truely had an orgasm? Not just ejaculation, but an orgasm? You'd realize there is emotion behind sex.

I am a very un-emotional person but, as I replied to Beau, sex with someone you love is emotional. Sex with someone else can be just sex. Emotion is not an integral part of sex.

amish

 

[CraigRT]

I'd be freakin steamed... I'd carry a baseball bat around in search of those guys who did that.

 

[Shockwave]

Well, theres kinda two ways to look at it..

1) Did you marry her BECAUSE of the good sex? If so, stay with her, what she's doing is just practice to keep sharp for you and she'll be a well oiled machine when she gets back

2) Did you marry her because you love her / trust her / want MORE then sex / she's your friend / etc etc etc? Well, she has just betrayed the very foundation of the marriage. Its all down hill, because now you will always wonder "Did she do more", and will wonder whats she's doing while she's away / your away. It will also come up in future arguments, like if you want to go drinking with friends, she says no you'll bring it up in the course of an argument.

So, what can you do? Well, if #1 above is why your married, your straight man! If #2, well, thats something ONLY you can answer. We can ALL give you the what if's and why's and I'd do's, but this decision is a very personal thing that only you should make. If it was me? Well, I believe a marriage is based on MORE then sex, thus, she just betrayed the very foundations, the very reasons, and the very vows she took for the marriage. Which leads me to one other thing....A song

Bye Bye Baby Bye Bye - Firehouse

 

[Electric Amish]

It's obvious to me that most of you people have never been truly in love.

amish

 

[iamwiz82]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It's obvious to me that most of you people have never been truly in love.

amish

it is obvious to me that you have never truely been in love. One does not have sex with another woman while married if he truely loves his wife.

 

[MrCodeDude]

Originally posted by: GirlFriday
I'd be a little shocked, I didn't even know I married a woman. Someone would have some serious explaining to do!

Hmm, girl on girl action.. PICS?!?
-- mrcodedude

 

[Electric Amish]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It's obvious to me that most of you people have never been truly in love.

amish

it is obvious to me that you have never truely been in love. One does not have sex with another woman while married if he truely loves his wife.

You can if you are truly in love with each other. That's my whole point.

amish

 

[CPA]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It's obvious to me that most of you people have never been truly in love.

amish

I was going to say the same about you.

 

[rahvin]

Figure out how you feel and how what she told you made you feel and then tell her. Don't pussy foot, if she made you feel like you had your heart ripped out tell her. Tell her how it changed how you view her. Tell her how much it hurt your trust. You have to put it all out there, expose all those emotions and tell her them all. Only after doing that can you either heal or walk away with a clean concious. Honesty, trust and communication are the backbones of a relationship. She violated one, don't violate the communication one buy not telling her how it makes you feel.

For the record: Engaged, living together for 4 years.