Alcoholism

[bradly1101]

I've wanted to get your thoughts about it for a long time. It's hard to know how to approach such a widespread issue. This is a letter I just wrote to my brother about his girlfriend after a recent visit. I have nothing but compassion. And it's incredibly hard not to worry about those you love (they both drink a lot, she almost bled to death from esophageal varices a few months back, and has a horribly damaged liver. She still drinks a lot after initially trying not to. Names have been changed).

Dearest Bob,

I love you guys so much. You both are so appreciated.

I understand that Sally is going through a rough time. I hope she still remembers that I rescinded my request that no one drinks here. I did both in attempted support of her. I don’t know why she drinks non-alcoholic beer here when she’s so obviously under the influence.

I totally understand not feeling able to stop something addictive, or isolating away from other drinkers to avoid the desire; the craving we all feel to belong is strong.

Things like interventions and AA only work when someone is ready, or maybe hits “bottom.” Some seem bottomless even after major health problems, failing relationships, or car crashes. Mom and I tried an intervention with someone a long time ago on meth. He got terribly embarrassed, and it just made things worse. He's strong in his recovery now, a true inspiration and guide for others, like a lighthouse in a merciless storm.

Thoughts and prayers suddenly seem like the only logical reaction.

I know she feels persecuted everywhere, even at home. I understand that after feeling the same way back in the days of Mark [a man I had a relationship with who turned out to be a cheating, lying, abusive alcoholic]. It seems like everyone is against you. It’s a symptom of the disease and nurtures the seed that it grew from, chronic low self esteem. Deliverance from pain often has its inherent dangers. Paranoia grows.

I know you never “persecuted” her for her beliefs [Christianity and God - I showed them the SNL skit on cakes for gays, and she got upset, not seeing the Archie Bunker-like take on exposing ridiculous prejudices, but only persecution of Christians - I didn't intend that at all of course]. I see it all the time that a difference of opinion can be seen as a persecution, especially if the differing opinion comes from someone you look up to.

I have no judgments about any of this; I have experienced it all myself [with marijuana, and various alcoholics/drug addicts]. I know that you can’t really help. We can’t “fix” each other, we can only love and try to be supportive.

By the way, I heard you poo-poo my discussion online about gays and their wedding cakes and SCOTUS [when he glanced the text on my TV where I had to locate the video]. I know you don’t have the time or desire to read that stuff, but if you did, you would find an incredibly elevated conversation that includes wisdom and tolerance from all around the world, including Alabama. Respectful expression, including those who disagree, is very educational and furthers empathy, humility, and compassion.

Love you!

 

[Carson Dyle]

No comment on the subject at hand, but will just say that when I want to talk to my brother, I do so on the phone or face to face. Never wrote him a letter in my life beyond birthday and Christmas cards.

 

[DietDrThunder]

You might think about finding and attending a local chapter of an Al-Anon meeting. https://al-anon.org/
There are people that attend that can help you.

 

[whm1974]

Yeah addiction is pretty hard to break, especially if the person is dealing with serious life issues and/or has been addicted for a long time.

 

[JulesMaximus]

One of my wife's best friends lost her husband to alcoholism a few years ago. He went through rehab a dozen times but kept going back to the bottle. It ended up killing him in the end. He was in his 40s.

 

[IronWing]

You might think about finding and attending a local chapter of an Al-Anon meeting. https://al-anon.org/
There are people that attend that can help you.

Yep, the only person one gets to change or control is one's self. I won't comment on your letter as it's not my relationship. My experiences with alcoholics had led me to avoid them for my own protection and well being. Your path may vary.

 

[nakedfrog]

One of my wife's best friends lost her husband to alcoholism a few years ago. He went through rehab a dozen times but kept going back to the bottle. It ended up killing him in the end. He was in his 40s.

Pretty much what happened with my ex, except she didn't even make it to 40.

 

[urvile]

Drunk post

 

[MrSquished]

Some sort of an intervention can help. I hit rock bottom this spring after the worst battle with depression of my life, that ramped up my drinking to superhuman levels but it was total misery. I was thinking of ways to end it all. I reached out to my brother in law with a text and the next day he came to my apartment unannounced and we went detox/rehab shopping. Since May 1st I've been in two inpatient programs and two outpatient programs. Voluntarily checked into all of them and did the driving to both intensive outpatient programs on my own because at that point I wanted it for myself. And it's been working. So you can maybe give a nudge but deep down they have to want it enough to help themselves. It took me 15 years of being a highly functioning alcoholic to get there, self-medicating for bi-polar disorder and sleep disorders, after the drinking became so much I could barely function on a day to day basis. It's a fresh start on life and I count my blessings every day I wake up without having touched a drop, and my medications now finally have a chance to work on my underlying mental issues.

I'm not sure why you mixed in the political stuff with the drinking in the letter. I'd keep it focused on one thing, they don't seem to match up and the letter feels disjointed because of it. The drinking seems to be enough of a problem that you can just leave it at that.

 

[bradly1101]

No comment on the subject at hand, but will just say that when I want to talk to my brother, I do so on the phone or face to face. Never wrote him a letter in my life beyond birthday and Christmas cards.

I understand the sentiment. He has this habit of taking the other side of most things I say, and I love him for it; big brothers like to school their little brothers, even though we're both in our fifties, and we agree on a lot, especially politically, but his ego won't allow me or many others to have an uncontested point (kind of like the online forums he abhors). He's really smart too.

An email was the only way, and I'm only 50% sure that he'll read it. I've asked him what he thought about something silly I sent him before, but he always says things like his inbox is a mess, or that he doesn't have time. He posts on FB a lot instead, but I obviously couldn't put this there.

 

[bradly1101]

You might think about finding and attending a local chapter of an Al-Anon meeting. https://al-anon.org/
There are people that attend that can help you.

Yes, Alanon is great. It's where I learned about the impossibility of trying to help another with something like this, it just makes it worse; of all things people hate, to be controlled is the worst. So we focus on ourselves, our path, our own recovery from this "family disease."

I met the man of my life in Alanon. The seemingly only other non-drinker out there, like a needle in a wheat field. We grow through all this together.

 

[bradly1101]

One of my wife's best friends lost her husband to alcoholism a few years ago. He went through rehab a dozen times but kept going back to the bottle. It ended up killing him in the end. He was in his 40s.

I've seen the things people with low self esteem do to their bodies all my life. Overeating killed my mom at 58. My sponsor In Alanon said [paraphrasing a bit], "To increase self esteem, one must do esteemable things; forgive (including the self), practice loving-kindness, compassion (including for the self), empathy, humility, and recognize what I already do that’s admirable, or not so much."

From Alanon:

There was a man walking down the street who fell into a hole. He couldn't get out. A priest walked by, and the man asked him for help. The priest wrote out a prayer and tossed it in the hole. A professor walked by and again the man asked for help. The learned man studied the problem and recommended a complex solution.

Just then a friend walked by, saw his buddy in the hole, and jumped in with him. The man said, "What are you doing? Now we're both stuck!" His friend said, "No, I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

The pitfalls of life aren't so seemingly impossible to exit.

 

[bradly1101]

I'm not sure why you mixed in the political stuff with the drinking in the letter. I'd keep it focused on one thing, they don't seem to match up and the letter feels disjointed because of it. The drinking seems to be enough of a problem that you can just leave it at that.

Yeah, I can see that. I wanted him to be sure that I have no opinion on her beliefs, and she took it like I had intolerance for Christianity, which I don't. I feared her upset at me might make her want to drink more. Such is the unreasonableness of guilt an "Alonon-er" like me can exhibit. My brother's dislike for my conversations with others, if they're online (he sees it as anti-social), was a separate issue, but related to the illogical defensiveness and attempts at insult I've seen in alcoholics (and others) edit2: always trying to escalate things, confirm their low opinion of themselves with desired hostility. I never give it though, which can cause frustration, but is better to me than escalation.

As to your first paragraph, that was awesome. I don't know you in "the real world" (as my brother would put it), but my heart is blown away by such courage and commitment.

Edit: I see that I was your 500th like.

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

Yeah, I can see that. I wanted him to be sure that I have no opinion on her beliefs, and she took it like I had intolerance for Christianity, which I don't. I feared her upset at me might make her want to drink more. Such is the unreasonableness of guilt an "Alonon-er" like me can exhibit. My brother's dislike for my conversations with others, if they're online (he sees it as anti-social), was a separate issue, but related to the illogical defensiveness and attempts at insult I've seen in alcoholics (and others).

As to your first paragraph, that was awesome. I don't know you in "the real world" (as my brother would put it), but my heart is blown away by such courage and commitment.

Edit: I see that I was your 500th like.

Having a conversation online while you're in the room with someone you're also having a conversation with absolutely is antisocial.

 

[bradly1101]

Having a conversation online while you're in the room with someone you're also having a conversation with absolutely is antisocial.

I've never done that, and I totally agree. He thinks that my engagement online (at all) negates one on one conversations that could be had instead. Frankly this forum with its widespread and international participants is more fascinating than any "real" conversations I've been in, and to me the opposite of anti-social. I was only in that thread momentarily to find the SNL video when he was here.

Edit: I've told him about the interesting conversations and incredibly poignant things I've seen here. He only seems to enjoy it when I tell him about the exploits of his I shared in The Garage regarding his passion for off-roading and all the modifications to his truck that I have witnessed over the years, or the way I sometimes relay his firmly held political beliefs; he has a way of summarizing things that I think is genius.

 

[Mayne]

It is almost impossible to change people at that age. I wish you luck, man.

 

[VirtualLarry]

I have a bit of a sugar / caffeine addiction myself, finding it hard to break.

Told people around me that I was quitting sugar, but I bought a couple of energy drinks today, and drank them.

Edit: My health has taken a sudden turn for the worse the last three months. I'm almost 400 lbs, and have increasing peripheral edema.

 

[whm1974]

I have a bit of a sugar / caffeine addiction myself, finding it hard to break.

Told people around me that I was quitting sugar, but I bought a couple of energy drinks today, and drank them.

Edit: My health has taken a sudden turn for the worse the last three months. I'm almost 400 lbs, and have increasing peripheral edema.

Cut out all of the sugar in your diet and white breads as well. Doing this alone will cause you to lose some weight.

 

[bradly1101]

I have a bit of a sugar / caffeine addiction myself, finding it hard to break.

Told people around me that I was quitting sugar, but I bought a couple of energy drinks today, and drank them.

Edit: My health has taken a sudden turn for the worse the last three months. I'm almost 400 lbs, and have increasing peripheral edema.

I know it's hard. My best friend (who's in meth. recovery) has traded his drug addiction (not saying this is you) for an apparent addiction to Red Bull and cigarettes (and an overall unhealthy diet) - "harm reduction." He has ballooned over recent years from his previously lanky, 6'5" build.

 

[bradly1101]

It is almost impossible to change people at that age. I wish you luck, man.

At any age it is impossible, and unwise.

 

[AMDisTheBEST]

I stay away from my family. I don’t talk to them, I don’t wanna see them. I am living like a hermit basically. I plan to one day cross the border into Canada and never return.

 

[William Gaatjes]

No one can break the addiction except the addicted one.
The first step is that addicted people must realize is that they can feel relaxed and good without the substance they think they need.

 

[clamum]

I've dealt with alcoholism for several years (really, I drank alcoholically from my very first 40oz until the day I quit 4 years ago) but I'd be right back in the thick of it if I picked up another drink. Might be fine for a day or even week (doubtful) but I'd get there pretty quick. I agree that the person needs to want to change, even just a little bit. Good luck OP (its your brother's girlfriend that has the problem, not both of them, right?).

 

[bradly1101]

God, grant me the serenity...

In Alanon we work the same twelve steps as AA. They all apply, word for word (We are powerless over alcohol...), except our drug is worry. I think I can somehow help if I fret, or if the alcoholic/drug addict sees my concern. It doesn't work for anybody though; I go deeper into worry, while they get the unhelpful satisfaction of my reaction - more drinking/drugs. A cycle of addiction madness.

 

[bradly1101]

I've dealt with alcoholism for several years (really, I drank alcoholically from my very first 40oz until the day I quit 4 years ago) but I'd be right back in the thick of it if I picked up another drink. Might be fine for a day or even week (doubtful) but I'd get there pretty quick. I agree that the person needs to want to change, even just a little bit. Good luck OP (its your brother's girlfriend that has the problem, not both of them, right?).

No both, and my brother also has an obesity problem. He shared that after his first medical appointment in decades, the doctor said he has high uric acid. He's on a med. for it. I looked it up, and the causes are obesity and/or alcoholism, which started when he was about 15. A double whammy.