I had shared an AT thread on FB about skiing. My brother loved it, but apparently he started stalking around here and saw this thread. He wasn't happy, and I screwed up, not thinking about the possibility, but it became an opportunity for self care. (edit: I took down the link) I wrote him this (I don't care if anyone in the world reads it - again different names):
Bob,
I love you and I observed you. You do incredible things. Swap out a truck’s suspension? Take
and print the most amazing photos? (unlike most photographers, I think in a lineup, if I hadn’t seen the photo before, I’d know which one was yours, the rare ability to be recognized as its creator. Ansel [Adams] could do that, as did Avedon, Mapplethorpe...and my brother) Have a long term relationship with a friend, not solely a girlfriend? Travel far and wide, always learning at every opportunity? Design
and construction? I could go on.
These are qualities I’d greatly admire in anyone, especially my brother, and would be a source of esteem and satisfaction. And I know it’s hard to see it that way. The less esteem we have for ourselves, the worse we treat ourselves. Conversely, the worse we treat ourselves, the less the esteem, and on and on...
This may be none of my business. I see Sally's desire to fit in, we all know what that’s like. I think unwittingly I get in a conversation about technical stuff, or childhood memories, and she wonderfully shares hers. It feels like if I talk in jargon or about something that she compares herself to, and doesn’t like what she sees, she can seem self-deprecating in a way. My eyes, my thoughts. If I’m correct and she compares herself a lot, especially negatively, that’s a classic sign of mounting self-hate. That last part is from books I’ve read, and the Alanon program. It’s weird there, everyone almost is positive and listens to you with no judgment or correction. It’s like a different world. It’s where my baby and I met under that warm glow, and Tammy (the lady at Eljon’s memorial who got there late), who deeply knew Eljon’s struggle, she was his sponsor, someone who’s been down the same road and thrived despite turmoil, a guide.
I think you know that Sally is on the road to a quick death. I have no judgment about that, it’s her life. Only she can alter it. And it saddens me somewhat, if I start dwelling on it I get too sad, and I know she wouldn’t want that. She’s so great. I wish she thought so.
She displays her drinking challenge often to people who know her medical situation. I don’t know if that’s a call for help or not.
You’ve mentioned your disdain for AA before. I’ll keep it to two sentences: It was fearful place when I initially entered Alanon, but not when I left that first night. I was around people who were just like me, struggling with the same problems and very similar worries, that’s true of AA, NA, OA… I found out there’s a way out of my shackled mind, and crossed a trailhead to self acceptance, but I had to stop things I was doing, and thoughts I was having that weren’t esteemable, admirable.
I know that alcohol is a very profitable scourge to self esteem. My heart truly goes out to anyone who takes it up. No judgement. It’s extremely powerful, you can light it on fire.
I have to believe that even dad’s dad knew where the bottle was taking him. And I’m sure he couldn’t stop. In-built addiction. I know they always say “drink responsibly,” it’s required of them, but they’d rather you didn’t. OK, I have some judgment toward Big Alcohol.
It may be hard to see from your point of view, and I’ll share something I saw that’s related, in my opinion. You seem to function well, and I remember that grandpa Smith could also hold down a job. But I saw signs at [your work] that made me fear for your job. I don’t know the year, and I was on one of my visits while Shige [nearby mechanic] was fixing Penelope [my old van]. We were all in the main room. Rick [owner/boss] wasn’t there. He came in later. When you saw him, your mood changed like your most hated man had entered. You were curt toward him and obviously upset. He was aware of his impact on you. He later asked you if you had done something that I guess he had asked you earlier to do. You had obviously forgotten, and said, “Oh.” And you started scrambling to get it done. One of your coworkers looked at me and mimicked a bottle going to his mouth as if your forgetfulness was alcohol-related. I smiled at him, but I was sad.
I thought to myself that if Bob isn’t careful, he’s going to lose his job, just in the attitude shown toward the boss. In my years working my bosses always had my respect, and I know you had reasons to hate Rick, and I know you think they were valid. And of course you know what happened a couple of years later [dismissal]. From writing this, you obviously know that people notice things. Coming from your brother, I hope you know that these words don’t reflect any intended criticism, only support for your success.
I remember once here when you went to turn on my oven and couldn’t see the markings on the dial. You rightly criticized the poor lighting, but you also got obviously upset as if something really horrible had happened. Another symptom.
From this page:
https://www.livestrong.com/article/285627-thiamine-alcoholism/
“Depression
Depression is a serious problem with alcohol abuse, in which the patient has persistent sadness and feels helpless. Alcohol is a depressant, meaning it reduces activity in the central nervous system (CNS). If the patient has pre-existing depression, the alcohol abuse can make it worse. The National Institutes of Health (NIH) notes that suicide is a possible outcome of alcohol abuse, especially if the patient has severe depression.
Anxiety Disorders
Depression is not the only mental disorder that can result from alcohol abuse. Another possibility is an anxiety disorder, in which the patient has uncontrollable worry. The American Geriatrics Society states that older adults who abuse alcohol are three times more likely to have a psychological disorder. A person with an anxiety disorder may also abuse alcohol to self-medicate, as alcohol can temporarily reduce anxiety. But over time, the alcohol abuse can worsen an anxiety disorder.
Isolation
The Mayo Clinic states that a person with alcohol abuse may drink alone or in secret, which can lead to social isolation. The abuser may feel that others around her do not approve of the drinking, or she does not want anyone to know that she drinks. She may also hide her alcohol in unusual places, like a clothing drawer, where other people will not be able to find it. Adding to the isolation, the abuser also loses interest in other activities and may pull back from ones that do not involve alcohol.
Irritability
The alcohol abuser can become irritable when his usual drinking time approaches or if he cannot get alcohol, according to the Mayo Clinic. The abuser can also become irritable at other times. For example, the alcohol abuser can become upset when confronted about his drinking. The NIH adds that he may also be prone to violence while under the influence of alcohol.”
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Such a great consumable alcohol is. The enticing bottles, the romanticized advertising. Profiting off of very addictive misery. Wonderful. I judge the makers.
And I know you know all this, you live it.
There are ways out. You’re a pretty young man with a potentially bright future.
I obviously can’t guide anyone to any path, and when their path is self-destructive I just can’t watch. Life contains too much wonderfulness for me to want to watch loved ones harm themselves. I get so sad, and I know you wouldn’t want that for me either.
Again I have no judgment, only love for my incredible brother and his SO. I understand the lure; I used to need a long island iced tea when I wanted to step out of my shell and talk to a cute guy in a bar or get on the dance floor. The temptation to continue was strong.
In Alanon they say that another’s drinking is none of your business. Indeed. Everything I just said may be very unwelcome. I’ll just live here quietly from now on. I have hope. I want my brother back, and his path is his own.
Love,