Am I being racist for wanting my kid to go to a diverse school?

[slackerinabox]

My liberal guilt has been wracking my brain these days over picking a kindergarten for my kid. To preface, I live in a very diverse part of NYC and I frankly love it - every culture (and cuisine!) is represented, and I think that's the way it should be. For some reason, however, that diversity doesn't extend to the schools - the zone public school is less than 12% white (the local demographic's 45%+ caucasian). While my child herself is only 1/2 caucasian, I worry (now this is the racist part) that she'll socialize ... Incorrectly.. If she were in a mostly african american and Caribbean school. Am I being racist or pragmatic?

On the one hand I love public school myself and dreaded catholic school - math and science were not a priority at all, and they even taught creationism back in my day! And I'm a darkie myself and genuinely love this mismash of a city, but my fear is that one cultural influence (instead of many) overwhelming her formative years might make her come home with an accent, or worse. As a mixed race kid cultural identity is tricky, but I've always thought she'd have a better time in life if she embraced her seinfeld loving part more than her ethnicity (rashida jones is doing better career wise than her more culturally black sisters, as an example). Is this racist? My wife's white liberal guilt makes having this conversation tricky

 

[slayer202]

if you think an 88% white school will be better, then you are prejudiced

doubt you'll find a balanced alternative from a private school.

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

Good to see the low life putting such effort into their trolls.

 

[gorcorps]

Yes, you sound racist

Why do you think there's an incorrect way to socialize? More importantly, why do you think the "socialization" she'll experience is worse just because of the races she'll be around?

You don't just sound racist, you sound like the worst kind of racist... the kind that tries to sound PC on the outside "I love my diverse slice of NYC" but then when it comes to school you expect a certain racial profile. So you're not just a racist, but a hypocrite

 

[slackerinabox]

if you think an 88% white school will be better, then you are prejudiced

doubt you'll find a balanced alternative from a private school.

Well, I grew up in mostly caucasian schools until high school, and here's my weird thought - caucasian students are allowed choice more than us minority kids, and I benefitted from that. While the cultural influences at inner city schools are limited to the black experience (everyone listens to hip hop, everyone dresses the same), growing up 'white' allowed me to be around cultural choice - I could like hip hop, or indie rock, or be into foreign movies or dress like a skater or a rapper, or a... And I don't just mean music - I was exposed to so much more than some of my zone school friends, and it made me a well rounded person.

Basically, I worry that schools with a big cultural majority one way or the other limit what kids are exposed to, to their detriment. I wouldn't take her to an all white school either

 

[ControlD]

If you are relying on public schools to set your kid's cultural identity you are doing something wrong.

 

[cbrunny]

so do activities. extra-curriculars. you get the choice of what to expose your children to, not the public school system.

 

[slackerinabox]

If you are relying on public schools to set your kid's cultural identity you are doing something wrong.

That's a good point, but would you take your child to a school that was 87% black? 87% chinese? When they're neither black or chinese, that is. I went to a school that was 95% caucasian and got my ass kicked fairly often being an outsider.

 

[cbrunny]

That's a good point, but would you take your child to a school that was 87% black? 87% chinese? When they're neither black or chinese, that is. I went to a school that was 95% caucasian and got my ass kicked fairly often being an outsider.

you need to pick your problem here.

From your first post, you said you were worried about being racist.

Then you said you didn't want school to dictate your child's cultural identity.

Now you're saying you're worried about violence and potential hate crimes.

Which is it?

 

[vi edit]

Your posting history here is reason enough to assume you have some sort of anxiety with race. Sometimes it's a superiority, sometimes it's the victim.

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to have your child in a school that they would be most comfortable. We all tend to lean towards groups that are most like our own. It's just human nature. I can certainly understand the desire to not have my kid a minority in a school and would never judge anyone against that. But that's from a perspective of I don't want them getting the shit beat out of them or being incessantly picked on. Not because I fear they'd come home talking different or embracing some other culture I didn't approve of.

I don't know what it is you really want and expect to happen. Kids are going to imprint regardless of how curated their school choice is. And you aren't going to like all of it. It's just what they do. My 8 year comes home speaking with a British accent at times because a lot of her friends at school have British transplant parents. It's cute and really funny. She also comes home with the mean white girl sassy shit of "LIKE Oh my God, SERIOUSLY?? And that's from Whitey McWhite Girl. Or the stupid baby talk that drives me insane. She also comes home speaking like a hillbilly (We live it Kentucky..it happens). It's funny for a bit, but then you tell her to talk normal and switches on the fly. It's just what kids do.

I just don't know what you expect and if you can curate the experience you want.

 

[slackerinabox]

you need to pick your problem here.

From your first post, you said you were worried about being racist.

Then you said you didn't want school to dictate your child's cultural identity.

Now you're saying you're worried about violence and potential hate crimes.

Which is it?

I'm thinking out loud, and it's more than one issue that's bugging me. I don't really worry about her safety, just the teasing that comes from being different. I suppose that's the least of my concerns, 'toughen up' applies a bit. I do worry about her cultural identity - my cousins, as examples of products of nyc zone schooling, were born in india but talk/dress/act/hip hop in a way that I don't feel will help their futures. I know I'm codifying racism here, I'm aware it's not right hence the thinking outloud and admitting that I may not be being rationale. I personally take a lot of pride in not having a culturally identifiable accent - i don't "speak" Jamaica, Queens (nikki minaj went to my zone school as an example) and I think it allowed me to mingle with groups and people I wouldn't have been able otherwise.

 

[kranky]

Must be very challenging to find peace when so many liberal imperatives are in direct opposition. There's always something that you're doing wrong.

 

[gorcorps]

Your posting history here is reason enough to assume you have some sort of anxiety with race. Sometimes it's a superiority, sometimes it's the victim.

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to have your child in a school that they would be most comfortable. We all tend to lean towards groups that are most like our own. It's just human nature. I can certainly understand the desire to not have my kid a minority in a school and would never judge anyone against that. But that's from a perspective of I don't want them getting the shit beat out of them or being incessantly picked on. Not because I fear they'd come home talking different or embracing some other culture I didn't approve of.

I don't know what it is you really want and expect to happen. Kids are going to imprint regardless of how curated their school choice is. And you aren't going to like all of it. It's just what they do. My 8 year comes home speaking with a British accent at times because a lot of her friends at school have British transplant parents. It's cute and really funny. She also comes home with the mean white girl sassy shit of "LIKE Oh my God, SERIOUSLY?? And that's from Whitey McWhite Girl. Or the stupid baby talk that drives me insane. She also comes home speaking like a hillbilly (We live it Kentucky..it happens). It's funny for a bit, but then you tell her to talk normal and switches on the fly. It's just what kids do.

I just don't know what you expect and if you can curate the experience you want.

When I was young I watched Monty Python and Spinal Tap with a buddy and we had British accents for months after that. I'm pretty sure it got on my parents' nerves much earlier than they finally admitted.

I still apologize to them for the dumb shit they had to put up with that I thought was so funny.

 

[slackerinabox]

Your posting history here is reason enough to assume you have some sort of anxiety with race. Sometimes it's a superiority, sometimes it's the victim.

Nail/Head. I'll admit to this. I was teased a lot growing up by the irish catholics/italians for being different, and by everyone else for being a "coconut" (brown on the outside, white inside). Now post marriage I deal with midwestern in laws who are not racist, but ignorant and hurt my feelings about race often (I feel othered, but I'm learning to realize it comes from ignorance and not hate). I've also only dated white girls and have members of my own brown family threaten to kill themselves if I ever married a white girl. Yes, race is a big issue for me on all sides, but honestly "white people" have always been the most welcoming and culturally curious at the end of the day to me. Jews, my god jews - call me a zionist but my little gang of jewish friends in high school changed my life for the better, by being curious about our cultural differences and not mocking them. So I'm all over the place about race, for sure, and should probably see a therapist. But my own home is pretty damn diverse and has every race represented and embraced (my kids are part french, german, indian, Mongolian, native american, african - I really do love diversity, as racist as I sound here). But I am anxious about race, sure.

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to have your child in a school that they would be most comfortable. We all tend to lean towards groups that are most like our own. It's just human nature. I can certainly understand the desire to not have my kid a minority in a school and would never judge anyone against that. But that's from a perspective of I don't want them getting the shit beat out of them or being incessantly picked on. Not because I fear they'd come home talking different or embracing some other culture I didn't approve of.

I don't know what it is really want and expect to happen. Kids are going to imprint regardless of how curated their school choice is. And you aren't going to like all of it. It's just what they do. My 8 year comes home speaking with a British accent at times because a lot of her friends at school have British transplant parents. It's cute and really funny. She also comes home with the mean white girl sassy shit of "LIKE Oh my God, SERIOUSLY?? And that's from Whitey McWhite Girl. Or the stupid baby talk that drives me insane.

I just don't know what you expect and if you can curate the experience you want.

All valid points and I appreciate the empathy. I guess it comes from expecting my kid to have an easier life if she's socialized one way vs. the other. I don't think it's right at all, but people judge and make assumptions about intelligence based on the slang and way you carry yourself.

 

[VtPC83]

Just to clarify, you folks are calling the decision racist because he directly states he wants his kids in a majority white school yes? Not that the inference is that majority white schools have better results?

I only ask because how long until someone saying they want to go to Harvard, which is a majority white school, to get a better education than somewhere else is considered racist? I'm just trying to figure out how deep this logic goes.

 

[slackerinabox]

Just to clarify, you folks are calling the decision racist because he directly states he wants his kids in a majority white school yes? Not that the inference is that majority white schools have better results?

I only ask because how long until someone saying they want to go to Harvard, which is a majority white school, to get a better education than somewhere else is considered racist? I'm just trying to figure out how deep this logic goes.

To clarify my position, I don't care for a white majority - just that the school reflects the diversity of our community. My racist part is that I worry about the cultural influences implied by attending an all black/Caribbean school, and feel that a white cultural influence would be more beneficial for her future (if only because they represent the dominant culture, vs. a deviation from 'cultural and etiquette standards.' Less people talk during the movies on one side of the tracks vs the other, to drive my racism home).

 

[cbrunny]

If it were me, I'd base where my children go to school on the quality of education. As a parent, I'd expect to be able to expose my child to influences that I want them to be exposed to. Reasonably speaking, of course.

 

[VtPC83]

I understand your POV, just not theirs.

I would say you aren't being racist, just want whats best for your child. Unfortunately people will see that statement and say 'Are you saying only a white cultural influence is best for a child'? And they won't take into account what you, as a parent wants for their child. They'll just label you racist. No meaningful dialog will occur here, you should just delete your own thread before being dragged into the mud.

 

[pauldun170]

Old school mixed race poster from the tristate here
My family photo albums have Jamiacans, Trini's, Salvadoreans, and Irish\German\French and nowadays with Italians and Cubans

Went to mixed race schools
Has mixed race kids who are now in elementary, with one about to head off to junior high.

If the makeup of your various PTA, various scouting organizations (elementary, middle school) matches the community then that's a good diverse school. That's what you focus on. Parent involvement. A good mix of school programs.

Mixed race kids will not have any problems in NY.
Unless they are fat, ugly, stupid, super dorky or whose personality just sticks out like a sore thumb. They will not have any problems for being "mixed race".

Your first priority is to make sure your kid doesn't smell. Make sure they aren't fat or annoying..

 

[slackerinabox]

I understand your POV, just not theirs.

I would say you aren't being racist, just want whats best for your child. Unfortunately people will see that statement and say 'Are you saying only a white cultural influence is best for a child'? And they won't take into account what you, as a parent wants for their child. They'll just label you racist. No meaningful dialog will occur here, you should just delete your own thread before being dragged into the mud.

I appreciate that. Yes, I simply want the best for her...

I know, I get called racist here all the time but I still post, mostly because I know I'm wrong/confused about a lot of racial issues and like hearing other perspectives to balance my own demons (real or imagined). Like you guys helped me come to grips with my in-laws (they're racially reductive based on a lack of exposure, not racist, and they mean well).

 

[1sikbITCH]

Must be very challenging to find peace when so many liberal imperatives are in direct opposition. There's always something that you're doing wrong.

I agree. It's like being religious. No matter what you do you're still a worthless POS sinner begging to be spared from the fire. When it comes to god and politics follow your heart and F the establishment. Thankfully conservatives don't have this problem.

 

[pauldun170]

To clarify my position, I don't care for a white majority - just that the school reflects the diversity of our community. My racist part is that I worry about the cultural influences implied by attending an all black/Caribbean school, and feel that a white cultural influence would be more beneficial for her future (if only because they represent the dominant culture, vs. a deviation from 'cultural and etiquette standards.' Less people talk during the movies on one side of the tracks vs the other, to drive my racism home).

You live in NYC
You don't need your school to offer diversity.
Just take her to a playground.
Have her make friends

 

[skimple]

Look - you live in NYC. There's no way your kid can grow up in NYC and not be exposed to cultures and people from around the world. I don't think you could filter out any race/creed/ethnic group if you tried.

Stop worrying about whether the demographic percentages of a school exactly match the demographics of the street that you live on. Go 10 blocks in any direction and the whole demographic profile shifts anyway.

1 - Is the school a safe environment?
2 - Does the school have a successful track record in getting children to graduate and go on to secondary school/high school/college?

Stop trying to create an artificial situation for your child and focus on teaching them coping skills to be able to deal with any situation in which they find themselves. Whatever race/religion a person is, at some point they'll be outnumbered and discriminated against. They need to know how to handle that.

 

[pauldun170]

Slackerinabox

You acknowledge that you have baggage. Good
Don't burden your daughter with your baggage. Don't try and project on her.

My advise to you is to get involved as a parent. Join the PTA. Get to know the teachers and school staff. Don't make the relationship about you asking for things or complaining and or strictly about your kid. Make it a partnership. Volunteer. Sign your daughter up for everything you can. Soccer\Girl scouts\track\ WHATEVER extra curricular activities the school offers.
It will help your daughter build awesome social circles that will span "culture" bullshit. Exposure to other parents and staff will help you get over your cultural bullshit.

 

[SP33Demon]

Pretty easy one. Send your child to the highest socioeconomic school that is most like the culture you want her to identify with. Higher socioeconomic schools *usually* have higher standards and focus more on academics. That is point one. Second, if you want her to identify more with whites then send her to a school with whites. You don't need to justify this in any way, shape or form to liberals other than your wife. Your child is half white so stop overthinking this, the best thing you can do is teach her how to act by how you act. She will emulate you a lot more than anyone she meets at school.

I agree that I'd never send my kid to an all black school, especially since most of the ethnic slurs I endured were from blacks (because I was better than most of them at sports including track and field) as a minority (go figure). Never had that problem with whites and my best friends in college were jewish. I agree with others that your child will eventually face discrimination because she's biracial so just teach her how to let it roll off her shoulders. Your views are pretty common and you don't have to apologize to anyone for them and she doesn't have to submit to bullying either. You are who you are and you have your reasons for why you think the way you do. Simply explain your concerns to your wife and hopefully you two will reach an agreement.