Am I being selfish? Family issues

[LuckyTaxi]

I'm asian so you know how tight asian families are ... so, let me lay out the blueprint.

I have a fiance who's family is on welfare and dad works whenever he's needed (not much cash coming in).
There are six kids in the house (4, 8, 10, 13, 16 ---> married to a 19 y/o dude). So that's 8 in all.

My family consist of a 20 y/o brother in college and my parents both work. House all paid off and no huge bills
except for my bro's school loan.

Soooo ... my fiance is now out of the house living with me in an apt. We both have jobs and we get by pretty
good just the two of us. We have our usually bills and they money we have left after those bills we are saving
up for a car/house. I have to pay off my students loans in a couple of months since I recently graduated from
college.

Now ... her mom is starting to be a pain in my butt asking me for money. Occasionally she'll ask me or my fiance
"Can you give me $20, I dont have money until I get some more from the welfare office." Mind you they give you
enough just to feed your family! My fiance's house is always filled with ppl on the weekend, hence, ppl come and
also eat. Dont get me wrong, the kids get their share, but the extra food she has to cook could've been saved for
the following day. Then, she wants us to move into the house and pay her $200 for rent, which I quickly turned down!
I can't live in a house with 8 other ppl!

Recently, she asked if we could chip in $50 each to send to our homeland to support my fiance's grandmother.
She took care of them when they lived there, and now they are returning the favor. Now, my parents do the same thing
for their parents, but they stopped sending over money realizing we have to do our thing here. The economy blows and
every penny we make we keep to pay bills and save for other things (my parents are getting old and getting ready for retirement).

Now, I try to tell my fiance she has to stop giving her mom money. We have our own things to worry about, and we can't just give
away our money like this. I udnerstand her situation, but she has a dad who's capable of finding some type of work. Her brother-in-law has to step up now that he's living there for free and take some responsibility! Now I here they are trying to have kids!??!?!!!

So, I started thinking, if I were to make more money and in let's say in 5 years we're better off than we are now. I wouldn't want
to contribute anything to her family. My parents bust their butts off to support me and put my bro and I through school. Her
family doesnt seem to care about school, and once they graduate HS (assuming they dont drop out before then), then that's it, off to work at the factory you go.

My thinking is, why should I reward them for trying to get through life the easy way? if my parents needed money I wouldn't hesitate,
but if it came down to her family, I wouldn't care.

I realize I basically married into her family, but I don't think it's fair they could just think my fiance and I will be there for them.

 

[profet]

I dont think your in the wrong...
You are handling it the same way I would.

Now if she was trying to make her life better by working and her husband was looking for another job, maybe then.

 

[Renob]

I would not give them one penny, tell them to get jobs sound like the dad is a big looser

 

[KC5AV]

Sorry, dude. If this chick your fiance, you better figure this one out quick... when you marry someone, you marry their WHOLE family. You can't expect her to cut ties with hers just because they are asking for money. If that's not something you are prepared to deal with, you might ought to rethink this whole relationship.

Just my $.02

 

[Ameesh]

you need to have a talk with your finacee about this and settle it right now because you defintley dont want to settle it after you are married cause you might not like her descision.

 

[boyRacer]

you're marrying the girl... not her family... from how it sounds like right now... you're not gonna be happy later... better fix this now. Good luck.

 

[newbiepcuser]

Originally posted by: Ameesh
you need to have a talk with your finacee about this and settle it right now because you defintley dont want to settle it after you are married cause you might not like her descision.

Take care of it now, a divorce is going to cost you more in the long run.

 

[olds]

I have this strange sense of deja vu.
Did you post this before?

 

[Pliablemoose]

Originally posted by: KC5AV
Sorry, dude. If this chick your fiance, you better figure this one out quick... when you marry someone, you marry their WHOLE family. You can't expect her to cut ties with hers just because they are asking for money. If that's not something you are prepared to deal with, you might ought to rethink this whole relationship. Just my $.02

Yep, you don't marry her, you marry her family, it's baaadd mojo, especially if you & she don't agree on how to deal with it.

 

[Yax]

Wow dude, you've got issues. Here's the bit of advice you've been looking for. (May not be what you want to hear). Tell the chick you two don't need to support her parents. If she disagrees, drop her, she's got too many issues anyway. You can find some other chick with less issues. If she agrees with you, drop the family, they've got issues.

Basically, after you've sternly said NO once and for all, the parents will stop bothering you for money. If the chick's on their side, you drop her, she'll get mad at them, come back and apoligize then you've got her back without the family problems. Either way, you win.

Keep playing the sap and the parents will milk you for all you're worth. The daughter will play dumb throughout it all and you're the big loser.

Edit: Handled it that way twice already. Worked the same both times, but I dropped the girls in the end anyway. Like I said, got issues.

 

[slycat]

[asian]Look, throw all that pettiness away.
U think its good for u to tell your fiance NOT to support her family?
If you think you cannot handle that maybe you shouldn't marry her then.
Hate to say it but you are whining and immature. And you say it out loud
that its fine for you to support your elders but not hers. Well, then, she has the
right to support her elders too. Sure you can blow them off but i assume ur pretty
harsh towards her when it comes to her family. Does that do you, her or them any good?

You say ur asian so you should know how it goes then. I'm asian too and
i see similar situations like yours but your handling it all wrong. And to answer your
question, yes you are being selfish. Put yourself in your fiance's shoes. You think someone
chooses their family?...or that someone deliberately wants their family to appear like
leeches and be unproductive?...Come on, in some sense, while your family isn't very wealthy,
you are fortunate that they were productive.

The least you can do is be cordial about it but if you really care for her and want to make
things work 'good', just contribute a little but ALWAYS set your limit and be smart about
getting out of them tight situations. You cannot expect nor should you want her to denounce
her family..neither should you. You may not expect this, but one day you might find yourself
in their need....u never know, tides change.

You know her mom has a RIGHT to ask her for money. And in some cases, she has a right
to ask from you too. [/asian]

 

[notfred]

You're completely in the right. My fiancee's family is part good, and part evil. The evil part (her mom, mainly) can starve on the street for all I care. She doesn't deserve anything from either of us. It's her life, if she can't afford to pay for it, it's not your problem unless you want it to be.

 

[yoda291]

talk this over with your fiance but ALWAYS keep this in mind...if the situation were reversed, how hard/easy would it be to cut off your family ties?

Possibly work out an arrangement to be helpful to their family. Honestly, a family in the straights can't afford to send money out of country and really shouldn't...

Possibly find some work for them. Ask your friends if they need some renovating done or some cleaning. odd jobs to help them get on their feet. Ask around for some part time work for the children if they're interested. Look up RGIS or any other place that does store inventory. I've always believed inventory, as boring as it is, is a good part time job because hours are definitely flexible, pay is relatively good, and since it's such a hard structure to order, generally not stressful. Also, it's one of those socially acceptable part time jobs because it's not like scrubbing floors for someone else...which helps get it past the asian pride block.

In short, while it would be unreasonable to give them the fruits of your labor...it'd also be unreasonable to do nothing eh?,- Asian perspective. You marry your spouse in her entirety. You can't pick and choose what you like and what gets ditched...it's a package deal. Think of it like a RossMan deal. You want that new digital camera, but you may have to buy that spindle of cdrs to qualify for a coupon and MIR. It's a package thing.

 

[Ameesh]

Originally posted by: newbiepcuser

Originally posted by: Ameesh
you need to have a talk with your finacee about this and settle it right now because you defintley dont want to settle it after you are married cause you might not like her descision.

Take care of it now, a divorce is going to cost you more in the long run.

just to be clear im not advocating any paticular position i am just saying that you should work this out with your finace right now before too much time has gone by.

 

[slycat]

jesus christ...forgive the swear...but u guys make me sick.
to asians there is something very strong called 'filial piety'.
look it up.

all you 101% americana is so self righteous pompous.

 

[BatmanNate]

Her family is not entitled to the fruits of your labor by your or even her relation. For that matter, they're not entitled to mine or the rest of the board's that pays their taxes and work for an honest living. Their need is irrelevent, their unwilligness to work harder does not condemn the rest of us to pick up the slack. Welfare is just one more wealth resdistribution program that this country is happy to tack on while dancing around the fact that it is socialism. Any help you give your fiancee's family is out of goodwill and don't let them con you into thinking that they're entitled to it, nor that they deserve it.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

U think its good for u to tell your fiance NOT to support her family?

So you're saying I work for myself and her and her family? I think not. She has a dad who chooses
not to find a job and a mom living off the system? This is why I don't like most of the asian families out
there. I know there are hard workers out there, but there r others who take advantage of the system.

Hate to say it but you are whining and immature. And you say it out loud
that its fine for you to support your elders but not hers. Well, then, she has the
right to support her elders too. Sure you can blow them off but i assume ur pretty
harsh towards her when it comes to her family. Does that do you, her or them any good?

So, I let them slide by just chilling at home knowing if they need money they can come to my fiance and I?
I think not. Maybe you do that with your family, but my family worked our butt off. More on this towards the bottom.

Put yourself in your fiance's shoes. You think someone
chooses their family?...or that someone deliberately wants their family to appear like
leeches and be unproductive?...Come on, in some sense, while your family isn't very wealthy,
you are fortunate that they were productive.

If i were her I would wakl away and try to do something with my life. I've changed my fiance's life very much ever since
we moved out. She wasn't getting anywhere living there and I decided to move out and bring her in with me. No, no one wants
to see their family suffer and stuff, but there's only so much you can do and say until you finally give up and move on!

The least you can do is be cordial about it but if you really care for her and want to make
things work 'good', just contribute a little but ALWAYS set your limit and be smart about
getting out of them tight situations. You cannot expect nor should you want her to denounce
her family..neither should you. You may not expect this, but one day you might find yourself
in their need....u never know, tides change.

Fine I can accept that, but if you keep giving in, they will only continue to depend on you.

look ... I'm not trying to start an argument. People have their unique situation, and I respect that.

My thing is, if her parents actually tried to do something with their lives then ok, thats cool and I can see they are trying to
improve their lives. Now, dont tell me it's hard for minorities, cuz my parents came here in 81 with just the clothes on their back.
My mom worked her butt off to learn english and my dad worked three jobs when I was younger. I'm 23 now and I realize what
they did for me and I hope to return the favor someday. I worked FT and went to school FT at NIGHT to finish school on time.
How many asian ppl do you know do that? Many of those I know or hear about are getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
Do you wanna support them by contributing money to them occassionally as you stated? I think not, but they are doing that anyways
by living off the system!

Improving ones life can be done. My parents are perfect example of it. Life rewards those who work hard, but unfortunately, those
who leech also get a piece of the pie.

BTW ... maybe I should've dropped out of school and lived off of welfare. My parents didn't raise no fool and while I watch my HS peers
dropped out fo school or get pregnant, I continued to work my a$$ off. I sacrificed many things to get to where I am at. slycat, you prob be the first to complain about having too much taxes taken off your paycheck (assuming u work). Those taxes are going to those living off the system, whether they are legitimate ppl or not!

 

[slycat]

there u answered all your questions and know perfectly where u stand.
thats all there is to it. let them know.

 

[MrYogi]

Yes. You are being selfish. You cannot expect everyone to be perfect and productive. Everyone is not fortunate to have parents like yours. You have already made a decision about your parents. You have no right or liberty to make a decision for your fiancee. You should let her decide if she wants to support them. Come on, you are working your ass off to give them $50???? If you stick to your non-asian rigid views, and she wants to support her family then she is better off without you.

 

[MrYogi]

also it is very sad that your family cannot send a meagre $50 to your grandparents.
For non-asians: A family of two can comfortably live on $50 a month in most of the asian countries.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

Once in a while is fine, but ppl continue to depend on you if u continue to give in.
granted, $50 isn't much, but $50 x 12 is a lot of money!

I know ppl aren't as fortunate, but you arent getting my point. They choose not to work, so why should they be
rewarded?

What will happen later is someone will end up moving in with us. Meaning, one of the kids when they get a little older
and the house gets too crowded. I moved out to be independent and not have to worry about someone. I've seen this
too often with a sibling or parent moving in with someone who's "established." How would you feel working your butt
off so that you can move out and be on your own, only to find out someone will be moving in and taking up space in your
crib?

 

[sash1]

It's the parents job to take care of their kids, not the other way around. You need to take care of yourself before thinking of helping others. You are doing the right thing, you are not obliged to be helping them out. It's their fault if they want to have friends over and let them eat their food. That is their decision and they will have to suffer the reprocussions, not you.

~Aunix

 

[LeeTJ]

Originally posted by: Ameesh
you need to have a talk with your finacee about this and settle it right now because you defintley dont want to settle it after you are married cause you might not like her descision.

it's not your decision alone.

first of all, if she is giving HER money to her family, it's not really your place to interfere.

once you get married, IF you get married, you are going to have to make some serious decisions about what your going to do about her family. you can choose to just turn your back on her family, but she probably can't. i don't think it is fair of you to make the decision for her.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

Originally posted by: AunixM3
It's the parents job to take care of their kids, not the other way around. You need to take care of yourself before thinking of helping others. You are doing the right thing, you are not obliged to be helping them out. It's their fault if they want to have friends over and let them eat their food. That is their decision and they will have to suffer the reprocussions, not you.
~Aunix

EXACTLY!!!! I wanted to say that also about the "parents taking care of the kids" part.

For those who think I'm selfish, then you really dont know me. While I am helping her family I mind as well help those who are
too lazy to work.

 

[Static911]

Originally posted by: AunixM3
It's the parents job to take care of their kids, not the other way around. You need to take care of yourself before thinking of helping others. You are doing the right thing, you are not obliged to be helping them out. It's their fault if they want to have friends over and let them eat their food. That is their decision and they will have to suffer the reprocussions, not you.

~Aunix

Aunix,

We always joke saying asians have children since they view it as retirement insurance. I do agree with you lilcam. Why support someone, even if you can afford it, if they don't put any efforts?

IE: For those in college, don't you hate those people who leech off of you, like copy your homework? I mean, it does not hurt anyone (except for the cheater), but you're peeved that you spent a great deal of time trying rather than taking a shortcut.

My dad too came to US with nothing more than a shirt on his back (literally, he had no money). After 25 years of blood and sweat and 110+ hours a week working (there is only 168 hours in a 7 day week), he has made it; we like to call it "made it" as the American Dream. It sucks supporting people of their lazy habits. Like people said before, make it clear with your fiance before moving on with your relationship. My father's energy passed off to me. Even though we are "well-off", it does not mean I work less than 100 hours a week. Same goes for you. I'm sure you know you must work hard to move ahead in life rather than accept handouts and live life day by day.

Ethan