Anyone had friends disappear for no apparent reason after your major life event?

[MagnusTheBrewer]

I look at it as being in the same category as the old saw about lending $20 to someone and, never seeing them again, being a good investment.

 

[Avalon]

"He also cut off ties with all of our common friends."

This should be a red flag here. The dude was either going through severe depression and withdrew, or something else happened.

 

[AMCRambler]

Maybe your wife(then fiancée) rubbed him the wrong way? Have dealt with similar with my friends. They get a girlfriend/SO and I can't stand said person. Try like hell but they can be obnoxious. Sincey friend wants to do everything and everything with this person I can't stand to be around I will drift away. I respect my friends feelings that this is who they want to be with and love and would never tell them how I felt. At the same time I can't be around them in case I flip a shit on this person and alienate myself from my friend forever. Guess I'm a sucky friend for not being able to deal but unfortunately it's just better that way.

Another theory, your fiancée told him to stay the fuck out of your life because she thought he was a bad influence on you. He loves you too much to tell you your wife exiled him.

 

[sandorski]

Never Married so haven't experienced it, from that side anyway. Have heard other Married Friends/Family mention it though. That said, it's a pretty big change for all involved. Friends no longer can just get together and do whatever, they gain a 3rd Party(the spouse) that has veto rights over anything they choose.

 

[Spydermag68]

I have had that it when all of the sudden good friends just left. To look back on it it seems to me it was me that left them more. Most of my friends were in a RPG group and one of the main players decided to quit the group for awhile since he was burned out on it. Another friend got married and was not allowed to play anymore and then I dropped out. I was going through some stuff and the group was not really a happy place for me. Five years later I went to a MTG release with one of my friends and met up with a few other people he knew. A month later I was sitting at a new table with 3 new to me and two other people that were from the original group but never really hung around with. The question on their minds was why did I disappear.

 

[Fire&Blood]

If those friendships were never tested, how do you know that those were indeed friendships?

It sounds to me like some of the friendships described here were just acquaintances masked as friendships because interests were aligned.

Back home they say, if you made one friend in a lifetime, you've done really well.

 

[Moonbeam]

It's not uncommon for relationships to cause feelings that remind us of how much we hate ourselves. Anything that causes that will be studiously avoided or pursued obsessively.

 

[LightRider]

Maybe you shouldn't force your friend to fly halfway across the country to attend your wedding when he hates weddings and doesn't want to go to one and wearing stupid tuxedos fucking sucks and I hate weddings goddamnitsomuch Matthew!...

I mean, I don't know why that kind of thing would happen is what I'm saying.

 

[TallBill]

I'm not really close to anyone so yeah... there are probably 20 out there who think that I disappeared from their life though.

 

[Nebor]

Im one of the disappeared. I'll go to your wedding, because it's fun. I know you won't listen if I tell you it's a huge mistake, so whatever. But when you start posting annoying married couple stuff online, or, God forbid, make joint Facebook or Instagram accounts, I get annoyed. Once you have kids, you're dead to me. Unfriended and ignored.

 

[Dr. Zaus]

Maybe you shouldn't force your friend to fly halfway across the country to attend your wedding when he hates weddings and doesn't want to go to one and wearing stupid tuxedos fucking sucks and I hate weddings goddamnitsomuch Matthew!...

I mean, I don't know why that kind of thing would happen is what I'm saying.

What the fuck!

MoonBeam is right, obsessively pursued.

 

[FerrelGeek]

Pretty much this. I sent a farewell note to a dear friend just this past weekend. Life gets in the way and sometimes, through no one's fault, things drift apart and you know it's time to say goodbye.

Yes and you shouldn't care or bother frankly.

You have no idea what is happening in someone's head, so let it be.

Also, I wouldn't have pleaded or begged anyone. Send out a message or two and be done with it. I understand your attachment to these folks, but the very glaring evidence that they don't want to be part of your life is paramount.

Why? Who knows and it's not your problem. Sure, you can ask; "everything cool with us?" - and if they don't answer, move along. But, don't agonize and torture yourself over these things.

yea. one good friend just stopped communicating sometime during our mid 20's. Prior to this, he was one of my closest friends, and we'd known each other since 7th grade. At first, it made me sad that we lost touch for whatever reason and I tried reaching out to him a few times. I missed all the good times we had together. But we haven't had any contact for 8 or so years. He's a distant, but fond memory by now. I do wonder every now and then about what he's upto now.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

When I was getting married, I wanted to ask a good friend of mine to be one of my groomsmen. But he ignored my calls & voicemails. It's obvious he received it and also knew I was getting married via FB. I called again and again. Even pleaded with him via voice mail that I wanted to him to be part of this event.

We never had any fights or arguments prior- nor during the entire course of the friendship. I haven't heard from him at all- it's many years since. I'm baffled as to why. We used to hang out quite frequently. If I HAD to speculate, maybe because I was getting married while his GF broke up with him? (But why would that be the reason to sever ties?)

That one is hard to explain. I would say he just didn't want to go to your wedding, but there is obviously more to it than that. I had a good friend who asked me to be a groomsmen several years ago and I turned him down, but we still speak and I don't think he was THAT upset about it.

I have experienced this a few times, with the most recent case being with the lady I was dating before my wife. She literally disappeared one day - wouldn't really talk to me (or if she did respond, it was one word answers or single short sentences). A year after that, she started talking to me again, wanted to "start seeing each other" again, etc. and then disappeared AGAIN. I gave up on her, and I suggest you do the same for this guy. He had his reasons and he obviously never cared to share them with you unfortunately.

On the other hand, my wife has done this to a couple of friends of hers. You have to understand her friends - they're mostly pretentious, naïve morons. Seriously, there isn't a single person among them I'd consider normal. They're the typical "overeducated" liberal arts majors who think they're more intelligent than they really are and who are almost all in relatively low-paying, dead-end jobs. Also, almost without an exception, they're all "super busy" (ie, super inefficient) and brag about it on Facebook just to get pats on the back. One girl once posted how "stressed" she was because she had to "make" HR packets for her entire company by Friday (this was on a Tuesday afternoon). There are like 30 people in her company - that's an afternoon of work, MAX, and that's if you don't have a very automated system.

Anyway, one in particular was the type where you needed to give her 6 weeks notice to hang out because she was so "busy" (she really wasn't; she was too busy hanging out with her immediate family ALL THE TIME and wouldn't make time for friends) and really wouldn't initiate anything and when she did, expected you to be available on her schedule.

My wife finally got fed up and just stopped contacting her, waiting for the friend to make the next move. Earlier this year, after probably 2-3 years of really not speaking to this friend, the she emailed my wife out of the blue and accused her of "giving her a dirty look" one day in downtown Indianapolis and said a bunch of other stuff to her as well. My wife swears she didn't see her at all. So my wife emailed her back, calmly explained she didn't even see her and she was probably mistaken about even seeing her in the first place, and then berated her for being judgmental, not making time for friends, etc.

 

[soulcougher73]

almost all my wifes old girlfriends are non existent now that they have kids. Went from best friends to barely acquaintances. Sad.

 

[Phoenix86]

Yes, going through my divorce pretty much everyone.

 

[Mixolydian]

It happens. People are constantly changing and as time goes on you have less and less in common with those you once did...so friends naturally drift apart.

But in this case the fact that he also cut ties with other mutual friends seems to indicate he was going through something in his life. Perhaps he wanted a fresh start?

 

[NetWareHead]

Had that happen to me once, had a buddy that we went to middle and high school with. Ran with our crew and got into all sorts of trouble together etc... The guy one day floors us that he is getting married so after the initial shock we all agree to throw him a bachelor party. We took this guy out and got him drunk and did the whole bachelor party thing. He was evasive about when the wedding was happening etc... we just figured he didnt have a clue and the wife was planning (typical early 20s males we were). We we one day heard the wedding already happened and we were not invited. Dude just dropped off the face of the earth it seemed. Got married in his early 20s and just ditched all of his boys. We all felt majorly insulted esecially after planning his bachelor party and that we were all friends, or so we thought. A few years into his marriage, he contacts me out of the blue and asks me if he could crash at my house, he and his wife were going through some problems and he needed to leave his home. I told him I could not accomodate a couch crasher in my place. Didnt hear from him until a few years later when he made some efforts to reach out and ask me out to eat somewhere, grab a bite over some beers.

So we finally reconnected but the relationship just feels wierd. Like I dont even know him or something. I missed out on all of his life experiences, birth of children etc... and he has missed out on mine. We are both in our mid 30s now. A few times I wondered why am I here eating with this guy; its like we have nothing in common or we are not even friends. Just the past is keeping me here. I guess I still would grab a bite/beer with him in the future but in no way I consider him a close friend anymore; he is barely an acquantance now. A shame...

 

[Humpy]

It happens. People are constantly changing and as time goes on you have less and less in common with those you once did...so friends naturally drift apart.

But in this case the fact that he also cut ties with other mutual friends seems to indicate he was going through something in his life. Perhaps he wanted a fresh start?

The fresh start is likely. I dropped all of my friends when I realized they were all fat pot smoking losers like me. I needed a new direction and it was easier without all the bad influence.

 

[Compddd]

People who ditch their friends on the orders of their spouse are beyond weak and pathetic. You should not be with someone so controlling in the first place.

 

[poofyhairguy]

When I was getting married, I wanted to ask a good friend of mine to be one of my groomsmen. But he ignored my calls & voicemails. It's obvious he received it and also knew I was getting married via FB. I called again and again. Even pleaded with him via voice mail that I wanted to him to be part of this event.

How involved was your wedding?

I ask because I was almost this guy in a friend's life. My friend is a baller (doctor in a big practice) and his wedding came at a time in my life when I was broke a shit. Like broke broke. Because he is a baller everything tied to his wedding was expensive: the rental suit was expensive, part of the bachelor party was at a really expensive restaurant, hell even the parking for the event was expensive because it was downtown in a major city. To be involved in the full event it would have cost me over $800 personally before the present came into play. I couldn't swing that then, but fuck me if male pride couldn't have me admit that to him.

I considered bailing on the whole thing, but instead I came up with a hybrid excuse that I had some family emergency come up that I had to deal with RIGHT when the bachelor party was moving into the more expensive stages. Turns out in retrospect that his brother paid for a lot of it for everyone, like that super expensive dinner, so I could have been completely involved. But my pride wouldn't even let me show up unless I could cover myself, and as it was it was a lot of stress in my life just to handle the costs of the little bit I did participate in (mostly the rental for the wedding).

So maybe your friend just couldn't afford to play along OP. There is this weird thing about wedding where we just always assume that other people in our lives can keep up when maybe they can't.