Are Your Parents Divorced?

[GTaudiophile]

To make a long story short: my parents divorced 2 years ago. During the whole ordeal, I learned things about them both, especially about my mother, that I would have preferred not to learn. Both admit that their 26 years of marriage was a mistake. As always, one parent, my mom, had a "happier" life after the divorce as she is the one who wanted it. My father, on the other hand, went to hell and back and is finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the last two years, they've maybe spoken once to each other and continue to talk badly about each other through me, even though I have been away at college the whole time (they do live nearby). For religious reasons, my father is struggling over whether or not he should re-marry. My mother has been dating a guy for a year now and plans to marry him and move off to a foreign country. I don't know why, but even though they were both a$$es to each other quite often during their marriage, I have been far more sympathetic of my father and been quite condemning of my mother. It seems like she can't do anything right. I really don't know if I can approve of/support her marriage to this new guy. But does she need my support? I don't think so. At this point, I just want to wash the whole situation from my hands.

My question to you who have divorced parents: how long did it take you to get over the situation and move on? How long did it take you to love your parents equally again?

 

[RossMAN]

This would make a perfect poll thread, can you edit and include a poll?

This is OT but do you remember that test drive BMW URL? I think mine was sometime in August or September?

 

[GTaudiophile]

Try going to BMWusa.com and looking around for the Ultimate Drive section.

 

[iamwiz82]

My parents are not divorced, by my girlfriends are. Her father is a controlling batard who i cannot stand. He has many of her things, such as her Social Security Card, Birth Certificate, etc that are important which he claims "he cannot find." He never paid child support, and his new wife is an evil demon.

I have told her many times to jorget him, to get new SS card, new brith cert. but she wont. I dont understand the need to be connected to him. If one of my parents did something like tell me i "will never graduate from college so there is no point in trying" i would tell them to fsck off and never tlak to them again, because i have no problem turning my back on someone who doesnt respect me. Her father told her that, and she still talks to him...

i just dont get it...

 

[pulse8]

My parents are not divorced, so I cannot completely understand, but I can see why you have resentment towards your mother.

It sounds like she broke your father's heart and then went on an lived her life and is much happier in doing so. I don't know all the details, but you can't really blame her for that. She did what she needed to do to make herself happy, even if it meant hurting your father and you. She was the one that wanted out, so she wasn't going to struggle with the break-up as much. It's just the way things go sometimes.

It's not the same scale, as we weren't dating or even married for 26 years, but my exgirlfriend did something very similar. I moved cross country which ultimately broke us up, but she wanted it long before and just a few months afterwards, she was dating someone else and still is. She wasn't happy, but didn't want to say anything. After going through something similar to what your father has been going through I've realized that she just did what she needed to do to make herself happy. Again, not on the same scale, but similar. I still resent her for everything...but at least I understand it.

Good luck!

 

[RossMAN]

Cool I found your original BMW thread, mine is around October 4th.

 

[Soulbane]

My parents have been divorced for over 15 years, and I can say that I am still not over it.

I don't think you can really ever get over it.

Sure you think about all the problems it caused less over time, but it still raises concerns and questions.

New issues are always coming up. For example, my brother got married 2years ago. My stepmother wouldn't come to his wedding because he didn't invite her daughter (who we all have met like 3 times in 15+ years). Therefore, because she is so controlling, my Dad didn't come to the wedding either.
This is all 15 years after the actual divorce.

A ton of petty stuff occurs when faimlies break up.

Good luck

 

[FelixDeCat]

32nd anniv this saturday

 

[b0mbrman]

Unfortunately, no

Now I have no excuse to be a jerk

 

[Pakaderm]

Nope, coming up on anniversary 27.

-Pak

 

[MuffD]

My parents are divorced after 26 yrs. I dunno how they did it but I guess it just didn't work u know?

 

[daveman]

My parents have been divorced for about 12 years now after they were married for 25. My dad started screwing aroung with some hoe.

 

[reitz]

GTaudiophile,

Just be glad your parents waited until you were much older before getting divorced; if they had pulled that crap when you were much younger, you likely would have grown into one messed up adult. My best advice is to tell them both that you are moving on, and no longer want to be involved in their pettiness; if either of them tries to "talk bad about the other" through you, just explain that you no longer are willing to listen to it.

I don't think you should feel obligated to endorse your mother's marriage, but I do think you should support her (even if you don't support the decisions she makes). Being bitter towards one or both parents is normal, but you'll feel best if you can get over that. She is your mother; it's not worth hurting your relationship with her because of it. Good luck!


My parents divorced when I was 8 years old, but both parents handled it perfectly. My father is/was an alcoholic womanizer, so he didn't really have much room to say anything, and my mother never spoke badly of him until I was old enough to see it myself. Because of the way they handled it, none of us kids ever really felt any kind of bitterness. It's normally fairly easy to guess that a person comes from a broken family (even now, when most of my friends are in their mid-twenties, it's still very obvious), but people I know are always surprised to learn that about me, so I guess that says something.

 

[arod]

mine aren't

 

[datalink7]

My parents are about to have their 20th aniversery.

 

[blakeatwork]

<< Just be glad your parents waited until you were much older before getting divorced; if they had pulled that crap when you were much younger, you likely would have grown into one messed up adult. My best advice is to tell them both that you are moving on, and no longer want to be involved in their pettiness; if either of them tries to "talk bad about the other" through you, just explain that you no longer are willing to listen to it. >>



What a load of crap... My mother has been divorced three times, twice from the same guy. I've had a fairly good relationship with all parents, except my step-mothjer, but that's a different story.

Point is, anyone who blames the way their life has truned out on the fact that when their parents divorced, they were "tramuatized" needs to get a grip on reality. How many people here resented their parents interfering in their own relationships?? Almost all i would imagine. what would you say if you were married, and your parentas said they were trauamtized by the fact that they loved your spouse, and now they cannot gom on with their life because YOUR spouse is no longer there.


Ahh well, everyone needs something to bitch and complain about, otherwise they wouldn't be happy. I have dumb people to complaion about...

 

[NFS4]

28 years baby!!!!!

Me luvs mammy and pappy

 

[reitz]

blakeatwork,

<< What a load of crap... My mother has been divorced three times, twice from the same guy. >>

But how did your parents handle the divorces? Were they upfront and fair with you, or did they involve you in their pettiness and use you as a means to get back at the other? My point is that divorce, if not handled properly, will have a negative impact on most children. That is why it is so easy to pick out people who came from broken families, even well after they are out of college.

 

[The Stigenator]

nope.. they are still married.. got married in 1969.. still going at it.

 

[Infos]

Thread for Divorced Poll

 

[Geekbabe]

First off,I would tell *both* parents that they need to stop putting you in the middle,if they have something bad to say,then they need to deal with each other and not burden you with it.Let them know you are serious about this by getting up and leaving whenever the bad mouthing starts.

As for how to come to terms with your mother and have good feelings about her again,consider this,she might have been quite unhappy in the marriage for a long time but wished to see you launched into adulthood before seeking her own happiness.You got the benefits of a two parent home as a child but you are an adult now and she can reclaim her life.
As far as your Dad's unhappiness goes,speaking from my own experience with divorce,many men claim to have not seen it coming in spite of months or years of their spouse letting them know that things weren't good and change was needed.
Ultimately the only person who is responsible for your Dad's happiness is your dad himself.

 

[blakeatwork]

<< << What a load of crap... My mother has been divorced three times, twice from the same guy. >> >>





<< But how did your parents handle the divorces? Were they upfront and fair with you, or did they involve you in their pettiness and use you as a means to get back at the other? My point is that divorce, if not handled properly, will have a negative impact on most children. That is why it is so easy to pick out people who came from broken families, even well after they are out of college. >>



The first divorce was pretty nasty, typical of people who married wayyy too young, and had too much responsibility at a young age. The second one was even worse, and there was a lot of go-betweens. Yet, I'm a normal, healthy, active, intelligent...(I think.. adult, who owns his own house, has a decent job, and harbours no resentment on either side. Like I said, people nowadays are looking for any excuse to show why they are miserable, or my favorite, the "tortured soul", who wallows in self-pity, like they're the one getting divorced.

I dunno, maybe I'm just cynical, maybe I have pent-up anger or some such hippy nonsense... (BTW, I'm 23... so don't bother with the old fogie crap). I'm practical. there's no reason to get all emotionally invovled. Let it play itself out, refuse to be a gopher in the arguments, tell your parents to grow up and start acting like the adults that they're supoosed to be, and get on with your life. I have no sypmathy for someone that doesn't help themself, but resorts to "Oprah" tactics.

 

[NakaNaka]

no parents are not divorced but i know a number of people whose are and in some situations everything works out and they can still be friendly to eachother, because of having to deal with a kid. And then there are some that are so ugly it's horrible ...

You need to tell both your parents to stop talking about the other one to you ... So your mother is moving to a foreign country, doesn't even want to stay near you? No wonder your more sympathetic to your father.

 

[Athanasius]

My parents divorced when I was fifteen. I am thirty-six now.


Q1: How long did it take you to get over the situation and move on?

I don't know about "get over it". I moved on pretty quickly. I was a fifteen year old who satyed with my dad when my mom left. My dad worked nights for the government. He also had multiple affairs and chased prostitutes, which is why my mom left. Despite all of the hurt I felt, in a self-absorbed way I felt somewhat liberated when my mom left. Since my dad worked nights and I was the only kid still at home, I had a world without boundaries. I learned by experience that it isn't what it is cracked up to be. Still, in the end, it worked out well for me. Since I had no boundaries, I ended up finding my own way (or I would say being found by the Way) in areas of right/wrong, work ethic, etc.

Q2: How long did it take you to love your parents equally again?

What is love? I would call "love" the act of seeking another's best interests. Most of the time we tend to define love as the "the feeling a particular object generates in me." When I stopped focusing on my feelings and started seeking their best interests, I was better able to love my parents equally again. It is virtually impossible to change how you feel by conscious effort, but you can act in another's best interests.

Though my father was the far more difficult person, he also was the most needy. In his old age (now deceased), he reaped every seed he planted in his middle age: he was an angry, bitter, leering, lustful old man. And my wife and I sought his best interest: we took him into our home and cared for him. To whatever degree I succeeded in loving him, it was not by focusing on my feelings. Yet I discovered something. When I sincerely sought his best interests, I found my feelings taking care of themselves.

BTW, my mom is happily involved with an old college friend from forty-five years ago. She lives with him in Oregon.


Try, to the best of your understanding, to seek your parents' best interests and you may find that your feelings towards them (however conflicted) begin to resolve themselves.

 

[aUt0eXebat]

yep mine are