Asian people - I need advice

[slackerinabox]

Hello my fellow asian people...While I'm indian and most of you guys are probably chinese or korean we all have very similar social structures (indians are the lost asians.. from asia but never grouped with the rest because we're brown and have rounder eyes).. Anyways, my problem is dealing with asian(indian) parents that refuse to adapt to american culture.. A cliched, age old problem but it's been getting on my nerves lately.. I'm 22 and have had a stable gf since I was 16.. We've been going out for 6 years - most people aren't even married that long anymore! - yet our relationship continues to be invalid in the eyes of my parents (and even my sister)... They find it weird that I invite her to family events, constantly treat her as an outsider, and generally make me feel like a whore even though I don't sleep around nor do anything illegal/"immoral" (I'm not knocking drugs but I don't use em, I don't even drink).. I'm a pretty stable guy in a loving relationship with a wonderful, brilliant (ivy leaguer) girl yet they always look down on me because dating is not part of indian culture... I honestly think that arranged marriages are FAR more immoral but that's a whole other can of worms.. So how do I make them get with the times? I will definately marry this girl but I feel terrible every time they suggest taking me out for an event (b-day, etc.) and give me the "what's she doing here?" glance when I bring her along.. Grr.. they should just grow up..

Also, I should mention that she's white (and jewish).. Indians HATE jewish people even though I've always lived in a jewish neighborhood and my relatives tease me by calling me a jewish boy (I like conversations and art - sue me!).. Anyways, this adds another layer to my problem.. FYI most (not all) indians are very racist... My mom was about to disown my sister for marrying an indian guy from another part of india (he's from the north, we're from the south)! In the end, I don't care if I get disowned... But I do love my parents and just want peace..

 

[SpecialEd]

tough situation...
I can't really offer advice, but my dad is white and my mom is chinese and they are happily married. so if they did it, you can! Good luck!!

 

[Lager]

Love is love....

pics or ban.....

 

[xEDIT409]

Man, I'm indian, and I know how you feel.

My mom is a psycho when it comes to these things. Like, I honestly believe she will disown me if SHE doesn't get to pick my wife... yeah right, no way in hell that's gonna happen.
My dad on the otherhand, it a lot more leniant.

I still have like 5-7 yrs to figure this problem out, cuz i'm only 17 right now.

Try sitting down with them, and DO NOT get up until they have accepted her.

Or show them Bend it Like Beckham.

If you don't mind me asking, what part of india are you from?

 

[pinoy]

man, that sucks big time! i've never been to that kind of situation before, so the only advice i can give you is hold on and show them that you're serious about her. If you're gonna be an outcast in the family, so be it. Just hope that in the future they'll change.

Again, goodluck!

 

[LongCoolMother]

i know what you mean. my parents are kind of like that too, if its a girl they dont like. but that would be for a reason. i dont know if i should say this, but my parents are asian and i know some asian parents dont like their son getting a GF thats a different race. i guess its just in their culture or something. but i think the largest reason is that they dont like your gf or have a misunderstanding of some sort, rather then being prejudice against dating as a whole. i mean, you're definately old enough, maybe you should ask your parents why they dont like you having a gf or maybe clear some issues up. she sounds like shes a great and smart person, so i dont see why your parents would be unhappy about it.

 

[boyRacer]

your girlfriend will end up marrying you... not your parents... i know its crappy if not everyone's happy... but it's your happiness at the end of the day.

 

[WinkOsmosis]

Ignore them.

 

[Spac3d]

I am Indian too. I feel your pain.

I have told my mom that I would never date an Indian girl, she has to deal with that. Just another way I have dissapointed her

 

[RossMAN]

You missed YAGT in your thread title.

 

[Rufio]

i'm in the exact SAME situation...

except i'm the Asian man and she's the Indian Woman. So the situation is opposite.

my parents love my g/f to death. her parents will literally kill me if we get married. or kill themselves...

we've been together for over 8 years, and the only reason why we are not married is because of her mom. her mom is a wonderful and caring woman, and i see that. but she doesn't see that in me. her mom is very dependent on her, and i can't force her to make that decision because her mom would then be left with a horrible alcoholic husband.

anyway, situation gets a lot more complicated and more crazy than that....if you want to chat or talk, PM me and we can definitely do that -- maybe we can help each other out.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: xEDIT409
Man, I'm indian, and I know how you feel.

My mom is a psycho when it comes to these things. Like, I honestly believe she will disown me if SHE doesn't get to pick my wife... yeah right, no way in hell that's gonna happen.
My dad on the otherhand, it a lot more leniant.

I still have like 5-7 yrs to figure this problem out, cuz i'm only 17 right now.

Try sitting down with them, and DO NOT get up until they have accepted her.

Or show them Bend it Like Beckham.

If you don't mind me asking, what part of india are you from?

Hey,
Yeah, they've seen bend it like beckam .. Didn't help My mother actually said that she would disown me if I didn't marry a "tamil, christian girl" (i'm tamil - from south india) when I was growing up.. Luckily, I'm a rebellious fellow and would rather get disowned then even consider giving up my girl.. That's not the issue (nor should it be for you!).. I have a girl that I love and since I love her I want them to accept her.. Know what I mean? They don't have to love her, just don't disrespect her.. I should talk to them... I just get a bit angry and emotional about it because the situation sounds absurd.. Would they rather me screw around and then just marry someone that I don't love?

 

[neovan]

if they can't accept the fact that both of you love each other then it is their own fault. live your own life, not the life they want you to live. good luck with everything.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: Rufio
i'm in the exact SAME situation...

except i'm the Asian man and she's the Indian Woman. So the situation is opposite.

my parents love my g/f to death. her parents will literally kill me if we get married. or kill themselves...

we've been together for over 8 years, and the only reason why we are not married is because of her mom. her mom is a wonderful and caring woman, and i see that. but she doesn't see that in me. her mom is very dependent on her, and i can't force her to make that decision because her mom would then be left with a horrible alcoholic husband.

anyway, situation gets a lot more complicated and more crazy than that....if you want to chat or talk, PM me and we can definitely do that -- maybe we can help each other out.

I gotta clear something up - she's not asian.. I'm asian (I was saying that all of us asians deal with something like this to a degree, indian, chinese or japanese).. She's white.. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the conflict.. But my sister had a lot of slack because she dated/married an indian guy from a different part of india- how insane is that! I'll PM you in a bit man, but good luck and fight on, brother

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: RossMAN
You missed YAGT in your thread title.

This isn't about a girl, it's about respect..

 

[pennylane]

What nationality is your girlfriend?

I say forget the parents. All you need is love. Love is all you need.

 

[bleeb]

What you need to do is to talk to your parents. Seriously and in an adult manner... talk to your parents about your feelings regarding the issue and their feelings regarding the issue. Do this of course strictly between your parents and you.

 

[mdbound]

I too feel your pain....I'm Indian and I was brought up with the same "threats". I had the fortune however of falling in love with my dad's friend's daughter. After that, it was no worries. However, I know what you mean. My brother is in a similar situation as you though definitely his relationship has not lasted as long.

Couple things...like you said, you are going to talk to them. Try to make them understand that she too is a loving, caring human being that is GOING TO CARE FOR THEM. That seems to be a big fear of Indian parents...abandonment by their kids. Try to make sure they understand that you aren't going to leave them and that your sig other isn't either. Of course the irony here is that they try to mandate love and respect, and those are things that have to be earned, not forced.

Also try to dispel any myths that they have. Ask them straight up WHY she is not acceptable in their eyes. Don't settle for BS responses like not indian, doesn't know the culture, etc. Tell them that she knows, cares, is willing to learn, etc....IF you guys are willing to help her learn and be a part of the culture. You have to tell them that this is their responsiblity too.

Anyway, good luck...I'll write more later...

GTG.

MD.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: fanerman91
What nationality is your girlfriend?

I say forget the parents. All you need is love. Love is all you need.

My gf is jewish.. Actually, as far as nationality goes, we're both 100% new yorkers... I agree.. All you need is love.. But it's hard when you live with your parents and they're pricks to you gf for no reason at all..

 

[bleeb]

Jewish people are racist! =) Just kidding.

 

[conbon]

eh, i say do yourself a favor and don't take her to any more family events...they're uncomfortable, and i'm sure she is too. it sounds ridiculous to have to keep your life with her separate from the rest of your family, but sometimes that's what you need to do. if it's already been six years of pushing the envelope, you should give it up already...they're so old school it seems like there is very little if anything you can do to change this. i mean, what kind of parents threaten to disown their kids...geez.

oh, if you could possibly convince all of your cousins to start marrying into other cultures, that might help. or not.

marry her if you want to, and you can bet that your parents will start coming around as soon as you have kids. they won't be able to resist seeing their grandkids, and they'll be forced to treat your gf/wife better. maybe seeing her a good mother to your kids will benefit the respect issue.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: mdbound
That seems to be a big fear of Indian parents...abandonment by their kids. Try to make sure they understand that you aren't going to leave them and that your sig other isn't either. Of course the irony here is that they try to mandate love and respect, and those are things that have to be earned, not forced.

You are beyond right.. My mom always fears that I'm going to abandon them.. In fact, I'm a very honest guy so my honest probably frightens her even more.. To the uninformed, in the indian familiar system the son gets married and then his parents move in with him.. To be honest, that's simply not an option.. I love my parents but there's no way in hell that I'll be able to ...ahum.. sleep at night knowing that they're in the room next door! I will take care of my parents in anyway that I can but they can't understand my views and are scared of them.. I never realized that dating an "outsider" probably increases that fear of theirs.. I should try to help to know that I'm the one terribly against the idea and that she has nothing to do with it..

Originally posted by: mdbound
Don't settle for BS responses like not indian, doesn't know the culture, etc. Tell them that she knows, cares, is willing to learn, etc....IF you guys are willing to help her learn and be a part of the culture. You have to tell them that this is their responsiblity too.

Oddly enough, I don't known anything about indian culture but, I suspect that you're right in that they expect her to... They really never subjected me to the culture and have grown up as a new yorker (born and raised, baby).. I guess it scares them but it's their fault.. I hate selling out and pretending that my gf is big into indian culture but you have a point...

Thanks for all the advice guys.. I have some serious thinking to do..

 

[venk]

You need new parents. Seriously though, I don't where you come up with this most Indians are racist crap (my family, our friends, and our acquaintances are the furthest thing from), maybe it's just the Christian variety of Indian.

BTW. this is the first time I?ve ever heard of Indians hating Jews. Muslims yes, but Jews? I?ve never heard an Indian say a disparaging word about them. Where did that come from?

 

[TuffGirl]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
So how do I make them get with the times? I will definately marry this girl but I feel terrible every time they suggest taking me out for an event (b-day, etc.) and give me the "what's she doing here?" glance when I bring her along.. Grr.. they should just grow up..

Like you said, it's not part of their culture so why should they have to accept something that's so ingrained in them for years and years? It doesn't make sense; it's not a matter of their "growing up." Sheesh. I sympathize with you and agree that it sucks that you and your parents have such a cultural gap, but expecting them to become something opposite of their culture and saying they need to grow up is just as reproachable as their close-mindedness about your girlfriend.:|

Because you can't (and shouldn't IMO) change your parents' views, maybe you shouldn't bring your girlfriend to your family events. Your efforts to make your family accept her are all well and good but the fact remains your family is conservative, nothing is going to change that, and they will alienate her because she is not Indian. I think you should accept your parents' conservative views and your situation as a fact of life and enjoy your time with your g/f away from your family, since all they'll do is make her uncomfortable. Marry her when you feel the time is right and then who knows, perhaps your family will accept her in the long run after you've shown to them you are really committed to this girl for life, despite your defiance against them.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: conbon
eh, i say do yourself a favor and don't take her to any more family events

I agree, I don't take her to family events anymore.. I just get offended when it's MY birthday and I have to think twice about inviting her... She got really hurt when my sister came over with her husband and we all went out to dinner without her.. I understand the hurt and I tried to reason with her but there was no reasoning - she was right (my gf's family is awesome and always invites me to important family occassions)..

Originally posted by: conbon
oh, if you could possibly convince all of your cousins to start marrying into other cultures, that might help. or not.

Want to know what's funny? Every female member of my extended family has crossed the race lines... My favorite cousin married a great german guy and was called a whore by my parents and hers.. Now they have 4 gorgeous kids (one girls acted on that show hack) but I'm sure she's still thought of as a traitor of sorts..