BAD SANTA

[Random Variable]

Santa shoots woman


<< SAO PAULO (Reuters) - A man in a Santa suit set aside his bag of gifts, drew a gun from his trademark black belt and shot a woman on a Sao Paulo street, wounding her in the wrist and face.

The unidentified Santa was handing out candy to motorists stopped at a traffic light when he yanked the draw strings on his bag of sweets, pulled a revolver from his belt and fired at a woman who was entering her car parked nearby, said a spokesman at the Sao Paulo police department.

"The woman was wounded in her wrist and face but was not seriously hurt," said the spokeswoman. She said the incident did not appear to be a botched robbery but gave no other explanation for the shooting.

A witness helped police artists draw up a composite sketch of the shooter Santa after she saw him with his beard, red suit and gloves removed. Those items, along with the gun, were recovered by police.

Local media reported the woman was involved in a paternity suit and said police were investigating the crime as a possible act of retaliation. >>

 

[GodBlessTheUSA]

Is Santa Dead ?

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical
engineers report on the theory of Santa:

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa
has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces
the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child
in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due
to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say
that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to
be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household,
a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to
do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus
eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at
650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4
miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15
miles/hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a
medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying
321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying
reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we
cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need
214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times
the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles/second creates
enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in
the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised
within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be
subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater
than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in
terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the
back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever
DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

A Merry Christmas to one and all!!

 

[Random Variable]

Now why did you have to post that again?

 

[GodBlessTheUSA]

Why is Michael Jackson pissed off at Santa?

 

[Random Variable]

<< Why is Michael Jackson pissed off at Santa? >>


Why did you forget to take your medication?

 

[monk3y]

Is this like that 'only answer with questions' game on Whose Line is it?

 

[Random Variable]

<< Is this like that 'only answer with questions' game on Whose Line is it? >>


I have no idea.