Recent ones by me and my friends:
"I wish we had cryogenically frozen Patton. That way we could have woken him up 2 days ago, and by now he could have been in Bagdad c*ck-slapping Saddam to death while plotting to invade Germany and Russia at once. He'd also think about invading France, but lets face it, all he'd have to do for that is parachute in a troop of quadrapeligic girl scouts and the French would surrender."
"Friend, When you are sad,... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastage who made you sad.
When you are blue,... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile,... I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb @ss.
When you are sick,...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall,... I will point and laugh at your clumsy @ss.
This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!!"
"I need to get people to stop telling me to finish off bottles of liquor with significant amounts of liquor left.
Mainly because I'll do it"
-oh, that was a good night, but a certain friend was pissed over what happened to his sister, but hey, he is the guy who gave my already intoxicated self the half bottle of Jack
"I've noticed that whatever doesnt kill me has a decided tendency to piss me off"
""I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson,
And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin,
And whatever happens next is all a blur,
But you remember 'fist' can be a verb"
-Excerpt from "I Hope You Die" by the Bloodhound Gang"
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less"
"Without further preamble, here is adam, in his own words:
-"I have 20 years of being royally f***ed up the @ss for no reason. You never get used to taking it up the @ss"
-"After 7 years of sheep, any woman pretty much meets my standards"
-"Not as rough as a sheep"
-"We did bump a couple of cows"
All I have to say is, let the record show that adam has responded to the title "sheepf***er""
"Cold water splashed on face to help wake up at 7:30AM after two hours of sleep:
$.02
Gas for driving back and forth to county jail 4 times:
$3.50
Pizza and soda while at the jail (hey, who knew Pizza Hut delivers to jail?):
$8
Bailing your friend's three friends out of jail:
2/3 thankless :|:|:|"