Best Bar joke.

[XMan]

Originally posted by: MrDingleDangle
an Englishmen, Scottsmen and Irishmen all sit down at a bar and order a guinness ...3 flies come and land in each glass...the Englishmen say "ew! barkeep get be another beer!"...the Scottsmen picks the fly out and throws it on the ground and drinks the beer...The Irishmen picks up the fly by its back legs and yells "SPIT IT OUT!"

LMAO!

Guy walks into a bar. A sign behind the bar says "Hand jobs, $10. Cheese sandwhiches, $2."

He says to the bartender, "Excuse me miss, are you the lady who gives the handjobs?"

She says, "Yes I am."

He says, "Well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwhich!"

 

[ROTC1983]

Originally posted by: X-Man

Originally posted by: MrDingleDangle
an Englishmen, Scottsmen and Irishmen all sit down at a bar and order a guinness ...3 flies come and land in each glass...the Englishmen say "ew! barkeep get be another beer!"...the Scottsmen picks the fly out and throws it on the ground and drinks the beer...The Irishmen picks up the fly by its back legs and yells "SPIT IT OUT!"

LMAO!

Guy walks into a bar. A sign behind the bar says "Hand jobs, $10. Cheese sandwhiches, $2."

He says to the bartender, "Excuse me miss, are you the lady who gives the handjobs?"

She says, "Yes I am."

He says, "Well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwhich!"

:Q

 

[Fingers]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills in it. He asks the bartender whats that for. Bartender tells him if he pays $10 and does 3 things he can keep it all. The guys says okay pays the $10 and says what are they. Bartender says
1st you have to drink a gallon of red pepper tequila and not make a face.
2nd there is a pit bull in the alley that has a toothace, you have to pull it out.
3rd there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go make things right for her.

guy takes the gallon of tequila and just starts chugging, the whole time crying his eyes out but didn't make a face. Drunkenly everybody sees him stumble out into the alley where everybody hears this awfull screaming and yelping of the dog. After about 10 min of this the guy walks back in and says "okay where is the old lady with the tooth ache"

 

[fitzhue]

Originally posted by: Fingers
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills in it. He asks the bartender whats that for. Bartender tells him if he pays $10 and does 3 things he can keep it all. The guys says okay pays the $10 and says what are they. Bartender says
1st you have to drink a gallon of red pepper tequila and not make a face.
2nd there is a pit bull in the alley that has a toothace, you have to pull it out.
3rd there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go make things right for her.

guy takes the gallon of tequila and just starts chugging, the whole time crying his eyes out but didn't make a face. Drunkenly everybody sees him stumble out into the alley where everybody hears this awfull screaming and yelping of the dog. After about 10 min of this the guy walks back in and says "okay where is the old lady with the tooth ache"

LOL!! That was a good one!

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: fitzhue

Originally posted by: Fingers
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills in it. He asks the bartender whats that for. Bartender tells him if he pays $10 and does 3 things he can keep it all. The guys says okay pays the $10 and says what are they. Bartender says
1st you have to drink a gallon of red pepper tequila and not make a face.
2nd there is a pit bull in the alley that has a toothace, you have to pull it out.
3rd there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go make things right for her.

guy takes the gallon of tequila and just starts chugging, the whole time crying his eyes out but didn't make a face. Drunkenly everybody sees him stumble out into the alley where everybody hears this awfull screaming and yelping of the dog. After about 10 min of this the guy walks back in and says "okay where is the old lady with the tooth ache"

LOL!! That was a good one!

 

[weezergirl]

not sure if someone posted this one but...

2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks. har har.

 

[bolsen]

Bump

 

[yoda291]

Originally posted by: mpitts
Jesus walks into a bar, sets four metal stakes on the bar and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

I find this offensive...you should only need 3 stakes to put someone up. The 4th is just wasteful.

 

[austin316]

A canadian, an american, and an englishman walk into a bar. The canadian says

I second this one. What is the punchline?

 

[LaLaLand]

Take off your pants

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: yoda291

Originally posted by: mpitts
Jesus walks into a bar, sets four metal stakes on the bar and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

I find this offensive...you should only need 3 stakes to put someone up. The 4th is just wasteful.

It was in THE CROW..


ERIC: "Jesus Christ... stop me if you've heared this one. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks, 'Can you put me up for the night?'"

 

[AstIsis]

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender looks at the mushroom and says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom frowns and says, "Why not? I am a fun guy (fungi)."

 

[Mutilator]

Originally posted by: Fingers
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills in it. He asks the bartender whats that for. Bartender tells him if he pays $10 and does 3 things he can keep it all. The guys says okay pays the $10 and says what are they. Bartender says
1st you have to drink a gallon of red pepper tequila and not make a face.
2nd there is a pit bull in the alley that has a toothace, you have to pull it out.
3rd there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go make things right for her.

guy takes the gallon of tequila and just starts chugging, the whole time crying his eyes out but didn't make a face. Drunkenly everybody sees him stumble out into the alley where everybody hears this awfull screaming and yelping of the dog. After about 10 min of this the guy walks back in and says "okay where is the old lady with the tooth ache"

This one is winning so far. Just so you guys know what you're up against.

 

[40oz]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender looks at the mushroom and says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom frowns and says, "Why not? I am a fun guy (fungi)."

Here is another mushroom joke-- What do you call a mushroom in a bar buying drinks for everyone?-- A fun guy (fungi) to be around

 

[mpitts]

Originally posted by: yoda291

Originally posted by: mpitts
Jesus walks into a bar, sets four metal stakes on the bar and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

I find this offensive...you should only need 3 stakes to put someone up. The 4th is just wasteful.

Hahhaha.. so true. I always heard four, but three made more sense to me.

 

[mpitts]

Originally posted by: guyver01

Originally posted by: yoda291

Originally posted by: mpitts
Jesus walks into a bar, sets four metal stakes on the bar and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

I find this offensive...you should only need 3 stakes to put someone up. The 4th is just wasteful.

It was in THE CROW..


ERIC: "Jesus Christ... stop me if you've heared this one. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks, 'Can you put me up for the night?'"

Ahhh.. I knew I was stealing it from somewhere, but I couldn't remember where. I haven't seen that movie in probably 8 years.

 

[Demon-Xanth]

There are two guys sitting at a bar at the top of a sky scraper and one turns to the other and says "Because of the wind currents, if you jump off you'll fly into the 8th story window."

The other guy says "yeah, right."

So the first guy jumps off, falls all the way, and then ends up right in the 8th story window.

He takes the elevator up and the second guy says "no way, that had to be a fluke"

So the first guy does it again.

He comes up again and the second guy just has to try it.

So he falls all the way and splatters himself on the pavement.

The bartender looks at the first guy and says "You know Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."

 

[ICEVaPa]

A seal walks into a club...

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: ICEVaPa
A seal walks into a club...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

but... isn't a "baby" seal

 

[ndee]

Originally posted by: ICEVaPa
A seal walks into a club...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw you meany head

 

[AstIsis]

A frog walked into an Irish bar and sat down. He then asked to use the phone so he could call his Dad, Mick Jagger. The bartender kept refusing on the grounds that the phone was only for employees. After this went on for a few minutes..one of the bar patrons got tired of it, slapped the bartender and said, "Whick Whack, Paddy Mac, give the frog the phone. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Not sure where I heard that one!

 

[ICEVaPa]

Originally posted by: guyver01

Originally posted by: ICEVaPa
A seal walks into a club...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

but... isn't a "baby" seal

 

[911paramedic]

A hot dog walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says "we don't serve food here"

 

[ICEVaPa]

A polar bear walks into a bar, he goes to the barman and asks,"Can i have a gin and...............................................................................................................................................................................tonic" The barman replies,"Why the great paws?'

 

[guyver01]

my favorite of all time bar joke:

A duck walks into a bar, goes to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any grapes".

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, 'no, we don't have any grapes.' So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, 'no, we don't have any grapes.' If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your beak to that bar!"


The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any nails". Then the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"