Best Bar joke.

[guyver01]

Two strings are walking down the street when they see a duck walk into a bar. They say, "If a duck can go in a bar, so can we". So the first string walks in, sits down next to the duck and yells to the bartender, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you a string?" The string goes, "Yeah, so what?" The bartender says, "We don't serve strings and throws him out into the street. The second string sees all this and he sneaks into the bathroom, ties himself in a half-hitch and grabs a comb and frizzes one end of himself so it looks like he has an afro. Then he walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him a minute and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[AstIsis]

Originally posted by: guyver01
my favorite of all time bar joke:

A duck walks into a bar, goes to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any grapes".

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, 'no, we don't have any grapes.' So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, 'no, we don't have any grapes.' If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your beak to that bar!"


The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any nails". Then the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"

This is a good one!

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: austin316

A canadian, an american, and an englishman walk into a bar. The canadian says

I second this one. What is the punchline?

I also require an explanation for this "joke"

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: maladroit

Originally posted by: austin316

A canadian, an american, and an englishman walk into a bar. The canadian says

I second this one. What is the punchline?

I also require an explanation for this "joke"

it's canadian humor.. do you REALLY want to know???

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: guyver01
Two strings are walking down the street when they see a duck walk into a bar. They say, "If a duck can go in a bar, so can we". So the first string walks in, sits down next to the duck and yells to the bartender, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you a string?" The string goes, "Yeah, so what?" The bartender says, "We don't serve strings and throws him out into the street. The second string sees all this and he sneaks into the bathroom, ties himself in a half-hitch and grabs a comb and frizzes one end of himself so it looks like he has an afro. Then he walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him a minute and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Do'h! I was just about to post that.

 

[Kev]

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "Can I help you?" And the duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my ass."


I know it was terrible, but guyver01 stole my string joke

 

[ICEVaPa]

 

[ShotgunSteven]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

 

[Swag1138]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
A frog walked into an Irish bar and sat down. He then asked to use the phone so he could call his Dad, Mick Jagger. The bartender kept refusing on the grounds that the phone was only for employees. After this went on for a few minutes..one of the bar patrons got tired of it, slapped the bartender and said, "Whick Whack, Paddy Mac, give the frog the phone. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Not sure where I heard that one!

I always heard it:

A frog walks in a bank, and goes to the window of Patricia Whack. "I need a loan" says the frog. Patricia asks the frog thought this was weird, and asked if the frog had any collateral, so the frog places a carving of an elephant on the table and says "The manager knows me. My father is Mick Jagger." The woman is really starting to wonder if shes on candid camera, but sye goes to talk to the manager anyway, and they walk to the window and she shows him the carving. The manager says "Thats a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a rolling stone!"

 

[Ynog]

A cop is driving by a parking lot when he sees a car parked there with two people in it.
As he gets closer he see there is a guy in the front seat reading a magazine and a girl
and the back seat with some knitting stuff.
The cop knocks on the window and the guy rolls it down.
The officer askes the guy what he is doing and he replies
"What does it look like I am doing, I am reading a magazine."
The officer then says what is she doing, and he responds,
"What does it look like she is doing, she is knitting."
The officer askes how old are you and the guy
responds, 25. The officer askes how old is she?

The guy looks at his watch and says, in 12 minutes
she'll be 18.

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: maladroit
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "Can I help you?" And the duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my ass."


I know it was terrible, but guyver01 stole my string joke

LOL

 

[AstIsis]

Originally posted by: Swag1138

Originally posted by: AstIsis
A frog walked into an Irish bar and sat down. He then asked to use the phone so he could call his Dad, Mick Jagger. The bartender kept refusing on the grounds that the phone was only for employees. After this went on for a few minutes..one of the bar patrons got tired of it, slapped the bartender and said, "Whick Whack, Paddy Mac, give the frog the phone. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Not sure where I heard that one!

I always heard it:

A frog walks in a bank, and goes to the window of Patricia Whack. "I need a loan" says the frog. Patricia asks the frog thought this was weird, and asked if the frog had any collateral, so the frog places a carving of an elephant on the table and says "The manager knows me. My father is Mick Jagger." The woman is really starting to wonder if shes on candid camera, but sye goes to talk to the manager anyway, and they walk to the window and she shows him the carving. The manager says "Thats a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a rolling stone!"

A new version!!!

 

[ShotgunSteven]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

 

[ICEVaPa]

Proton walkes ito a bar and askes for a guiness,
The Bartender replies, "are you sure".
With this the Proton replies,"YEs, Im possitive"

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: ICEVaPa
Proton walkes ito a bar and askes for a guiness,
The Bartender replies, "are you sure".
With this the Proton replies,"YEs, Im possitive"

<groan>
physics humor

 

[ShotgunSteven]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

 

[Ynog]

A woman is cheating on her husband, when all of a sudden he comes home.
She throws the mans clothes under the bed and sticks him in the bathroom.
The husband comes upstairs and finds his wife naked and askes what is going
on. The wife responds that she was just trying to surprise him. The husband
gets excited and says he justs has to go the bathroom and runs into the bathroom.
There he finds the man, and askes what the heck is going on. The man responds
I am your exterminator, I am getting rid of you moth problem. The husbands looks
at him and says but your naked.

The man looks down at himself and say, "Those little bastards."

 

[Swag1138]

Originally posted by: guyver01

Originally posted by: ICEVaPa
Proton walkes ito a bar and askes for a guiness,
The Bartender replies, "are you sure".
With this the Proton replies,"YEs, Im possitive"

<groan>
physics humor

An atom walks into a bar with a big frown. Bartender asks whats wrong. Atom says "I just lost an electron" Bartender replies "Are you sure?" Atom says "Yeah, Im positive"

 

[guyver01]

A bar walks into a man, oops, wrong frame of reference.

An atom walks into a bar. Frantically he says, "Hey!! Somebody just stole one of my electrons!!" The Bartender replies, "Are you sure??" to which the atom replies, "I'm POSITIVE!!"

Off Topic: A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . .

 

[ShotgunSteven]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish and cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

 

[Ynog]

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine."

The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he says slowly, "we never waste booze?and we have plenty of New Yorkers."

 

[Swag1138]

A ghost dog walks into a bar holding his tail as the bartender was closing up. The gost dog says "Sir, I was just hit by a car and it knocked my tail clean off. I was wondering if you could reattach it for me?" The bartender replies "Sorry, I cant re-tail spirits after closing"

 

[ShotgunSteven]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[ShotgunSteven]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "Only when he's drunk."

 

[Kev]

A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick, the bartender sees no harm in this, gives the bum a toothpick and the bum leaves. A couple of minutes later another bum enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender obliges and the bum goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; bum after bum asking for a toothpick. The bartender is perplexed. Another bum walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused bartender's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks: 'For the last 15 minutes, bums have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?' The bum replies: 'Well, someone threw up outside and all the best bits are gone.'