Best Bar joke.

[WhiteKnight]

Originally posted by: maladroit
A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick, the bartender sees no harm in this, gives the bum a toothpick and the bum leaves. A couple of minutes later another bum enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender obliges and the bum goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; bum after bum asking for a toothpick. The bartender is perplexed. Another bum walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused bartender's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks: 'For the last 15 minutes, bums have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?' The bum replies: 'Well, someone threw up outside and all the best bits are gone.'

Now that is just vile.

 

[Ynog]

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

 

[yoda291]

Originally posted by: maladroit
A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick, the bartender sees no harm in this, gives the bum a toothpick and the bum leaves. A couple of minutes later another bum enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender obliges and the bum goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; bum after bum asking for a toothpick. The bartender is perplexed. Another bum walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused bartender's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks: 'For the last 15 minutes, bums have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?' The bum replies: 'Well, someone threw up outside and all the best bits are gone.'

That was so disgusting, i could make a diet plan out of it.

 

[Ynog]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. ?What are these guys in the big suits doing?? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder?s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, ?Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.?

 

[Dball]

Two rednecks are out hunting, when one of them suddenly collapses, his eyes roll back in his head. Keeping a cool head, his friend grabs the mobile phone and dials 911. "My buddie's collapsed, he's dead" cried the redneck. "OK sir, keep calm, I can help you" said the rescue worker. "The first thing is to make sure he really is dead". After a pause, the rescue worker hears a shot. "OK, what next?"

 

[Game]

This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.
 
So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home eartly from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.
 
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.
 
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

 

[dquan97]

Originally posted by: Fingers
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills in it. He asks the bartender whats that for. Bartender tells him if he pays $10 and does 3 things he can keep it all. The guys says okay pays the $10 and says what are they. Bartender says
1st you have to drink a gallon of red pepper tequila and not make a face.
2nd there is a pit bull in the alley that has a toothace, you have to pull it out.
3rd there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go make things right for her.

guy takes the gallon of tequila and just starts chugging, the whole time crying his eyes out but didn't make a face. Drunkenly everybody sees him stumble out into the alley where everybody hears this awfull screaming and yelping of the dog. After about 10 min of this the guy walks back in and says "okay where is the old lady with the tooth ache"

Really funny stuff. almost laughed out loud during class

 

[Lichee]

Originally posted by: MrDingleDangle
an Englishmen, Scottsmen and Irishmen all sit down at a bar and order a guinness ...3 flies come and land in each glass...the Englishmen say "ew! barkeep get be another beer!"...the Scottsmen picks the fly out and throws it on the ground and drinks the beer...The Irishmen picks up the fly by its back legs and yells "SPIT IT OUT!"

LOL! that was a good one. i gotta send that one out.

 

[KC5AV]

It is late on Saturday night, and the police are staking out the local bar. Suddenly, a guy comes staggering out the door into the parking lot. The police watch intently as he stumbles from car to car trying his key in each of the locks. When he finally finds his own vehicle, he climbs in, starts the car and begins to drive away. The police stop him as soon as he pulls into the street. They walk up to the vehicle and ask him to step out. As they begin to administer the field sobriety test, there is a mass exodus from the bar. Everyone goes to their vehicle and leaves. Amazingly, the man passes the field sobriety test without any problems. The police tell him that they saw him staggering around the parking lot, and that they thought he must be drunk. He says, "That's okay. I'm the designated decoy."

 

[yobarman]

A man walks into a bar and sees two gorgeous women sitting at a table with each other. He walks up to them and asks "How are you ladies doing?," One of the girls replies, "I'm sorry, but we're lesbians..." The man asks "What does that mean?" The woman replies, "We like to eat pussy." The man then yells "Hey bartender! Three drinks for us lesbians over here!"

 

[Corn]

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.


A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra...


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."

 

[dquan97]

Originally posted by: maladroit
A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick, the bartender sees no harm in this, gives the bum a toothpick and the bum leaves. A couple of minutes later another bum enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender obliges and the bum goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; bum after bum asking for a toothpick. The bartender is perplexed. Another bum walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused bartender's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks: 'For the last 15 minutes, bums have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?' The bum replies: 'Well, someone threw up outside and all the best bits are gone.'

thats just gross

 

[drewshin]

a guy went into a new bar and sat down to have a drink. a few guys approached him and asked him if he had ever played bar football.
"it's easy," the guy explained. "just down a beer, and that's six points. then pull your pants down and rip a fart for the extra point."

they guy thought, "that's easy enough." so the first guy got a beer, downed it, pulled down his pants and ripped a huge one. high fives everywhere. then another guy did the same thing. same response. then it was the new guy's turn. he got his beer, chugged it down, pulled down his pants, when all of a sudden one guy came rushing forward towards him yelling, "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK!"

 

[dejitaru]

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!' This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"




*



Billy sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Billy finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Billy tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Billy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Billy to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."




*



A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eyes. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "Might as well carry on".
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite
attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 500 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his meat and ass.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

 

[UNCjigga]

Originally posted by: ShotgunSteve
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

didn't get it...he was going nuts?

 

[ShotgunSteven]

Originally posted by: uncJIGGA

Originally posted by: ShotgunSteve
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

didn't get it...he was going nuts?

COMPLIMENTary nuts.

 

[Murpheeee]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
He orders a few drinks, and after a while the giraffe passes out.
The man gets up, and as he's about to walk out of the bar, the barmen shouts, "hey, can't leave that lyin' 'ere".

The man replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe"

 

[SendTrash]

Originally posted by: guyver01
Two strings are walking down the street when they see a duck walk into a bar. They say, "If a duck can go in a bar, so can we". So the first string walks in, sits down next to the duck and yells to the bartender, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you a string?" The string goes, "Yeah, so what?" The bartender says, "We don't serve strings and throws him out into the street. The second string sees all this and he sneaks into the bathroom, ties himself in a half-hitch and grabs a comb and frizzes one end of himself so it looks like he has an afro. Then he walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer!" The bartender looks at him a minute and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Funny...

 

[Murpheeee]

Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm
barman says "Where'd you get the pig?"
woman says "That's not a pig, it's a dog!"
barman replies "I was talking to the dog"

 

[vi edit]

A guy and an octopus were sitting at a bar. The guy stands up on the bar and says "$100 says this octopus can play any instrument you bring to him".

So after a couple minutes, a lady brings up a flute. The octopus grabs it, and plays a song. The lady nods her head impressed, and hands the man $100. After another few minutes, a man brings up a trombone. The octopus snags it out of his hands and starts blowing away on it with a marching band tune. Dissapointed, the better hands over $100. After a long while, a big burly scotsman walks up with a bagpipe slung over his shoulder. The octopus raises his eyebrow, and scratches his head. He grabs the bagpipe, spins it around a couple times, and just looks confused.

After a few minutes, the owner of the octopus looks over at it and goes "Well, aren't you going to play it". The octopus looks back and him responds "play it?, as soon as I figure out how to get off it's knickers I'm gonna fsck it!"

 

[bolsen]

Originally posted by: maladroit
A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick, the bartender sees no harm in this, gives the bum a toothpick and the bum leaves. A couple of minutes later another bum enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender obliges and the bum goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; bum after bum asking for a toothpick. The bartender is perplexed. Another bum walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused bartender's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks: 'For the last 15 minutes, bums have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?' The bum replies: 'Well, someone threw up outside and all the best bits are gone.'

LMAO!!!
NASTY!

 

[bolsen]

Lots of great jokes everyone! Keep going!

 

[Dark54555]

Originally posted by: bolsen
What's some good bar jokes. Obviously they have to be jokes you tell people, not paper funny jokes.

I used to have some, but i can't ever remember em.

the new heineken commerical is the ULTIMATE bar joke.

 

[rudeguy]

a guy was sitting at the bar when a random guy comes from across the room and starts pushing him, yelling, "I banged your mom!" The guy sits on his stool and ignores the troublemaker. The troublemaker then yells even louder, "Your mom gave me head!" The guy stays seated and calm. Finally the troublemaker yells, "I had anal sex with your mom!!" So the guy finally stands up and says, "Dad, you're drunk, sit down!"

 

[Afro000Dude]

This really nerdy guy comes in and sits at the bar. He says, "Gimme a milk. With a straw!" The bartender gives him his milk, but a big guy starts hassling him about it, saying that milk is for wimps. The nerdy guy challenges him, and they take it outside. A minute later, the big guy comes back and says "That was karate from Korea."

The next night the guy comes back, and orders another milk with a straw. The same guy challenges him again, and again they take it outside. The big guy comes back in a minute later and says, "That was juditsu from Japan."

The next night, the same nerdy comes back, and orders his milk. The big guy can't figure out why someone would come to the same bar night after night just to get beat up, but he beats the nerdy guy up anyway. He comes back in and says, "That was tae kwon do from Taiwan."

By now the nerdy guy is getting smart. He comes back the next night and orders another milk, this time with two straws. The big guy is getting ready to give the nerdy guy the beating of his life. They take it outside once again, but this time the nerdy guy comes back in. He says, "That was a crowbar from Sears!"