Okay, here's the post to end all posts. These were collected (scribbled down in notebooks during class, basically) by me and several of my friends over the course of three years, three classes, and three whacked-out professors. Enjoy!
Here's some craziness from one of the physics teachers on campus...
- "If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniels is a wheelchair."
- "My doctor told me to drink 8 glasses of water a day. Well, I figure scotch is mostly water...."
- "I'm going to the beach for break. You can go sh!t in your hat for all I care."
- "I spent most of my life in the 60s believing I was a tree."
- "Do you know what rear defrosters are for? For keeping your hands warm while pushing your Dodge Omni."
- "They're repulsive. Just like my children."
- He's moving across the front of the room and his head hits the dangly string that they use to pull down the projector screen and he said "Oh, excuse me."
- "Chapter 2 is entitled 'Chapter 2.' The subtitle is <whatever it was>."
- "Remember, there is no such thing as eating too much turkey."
- He said he was driving his Dodge Omni (he really drove a gold Lexus and made jokes about it all the time) and he pulled up to a stoplight and looked over at a "co-ed" [his exact words] in a Mitsubishi and said "Moyle. David Moyle."
- "I can't wait to get out of here. There's a beer with my name on it down at the pub."
- "My office hours will be today from 5 to 6 at Keith Street" (local pub)
- "I always wanted to drive a beer truck."
- "Me and my two brothers used to drag race. We were good because we were good at physics. Everyone hated us because we were old... Fvcking b@stards."
- "I apologize for this intrusion of administrative BLAH BLAH BLAH into this classroom."
- "Attendance is required, but not recorded. This means that attendance is not required."
- "If I'm late for class, it is entirely likely that I am dead."
- "What did I learn in high school? I learned that there were 48 states... Sometimes things change."
- "This is a bunson burner. It doesn't burn gas. It burns bunson. The bunson is provided to us by the Internationl Bunson Cartel."
- "SHUT UP!!!!!!!! And a happy happy good morning to all of you."
- "If none of you showed up, I would still come here and lecture."
- After both sections of his class did very bad on a test, he said 'If you want to see a beating, come to my 1:30 class'."
- "Everyone understands this! ...Except my wife."
- "I just received the new Microsoft Windows 2000 keyboard. It has only three keys: Control, Alternate, and Delete."
- "Here we have ethyl alcohol: man's favorite compound. And benzene: which I don't advise drinking."
- "I also have a TI-89. It is stored in the toilet at home. It's too big to go down, so it just stays there."
- "For those of you who this is the last semester of physics, we can have the drop-kick Serway contest" (Serway being one of the authors of our textbook)
- (during a demonstration) "Did everybody see that?" Class: "Yes." Moyle: "No reason not to do it again."
- "You generate about as much energy as a 100 watt light bulb. We could generate as much energy in here if we took all of you out and put a 100 watt lamp in each seat. Doesn't really matter. In fact, it would probably be easier to lecture."
- "If you look at a molecule of air in this room... OH THERE'S ONE!!!"
- "If you have 3.53 times 10 to the 23 apples, you'd be spending a lot of time in the bathroom."
- (he worked a problem and got an answer of 1.35 x 10^3 m/sec.) "On the other hand, if you were struck by a beer truck going at this speed, we could start writing your epitaph: 'Here lies the horribly dismembered body of...'."
- "Life is tough. But it's even tougher when you're stupid."
- (on some rant about the Lone Ranger...) "Sometimes I wonder why it is that all the heroes of my day wore masks and tight-fitting clothes. And liked other men a whole bunch."
- (in the middle of a lecture and there's a loud CLANK). He says: "Calculator destroyed." Alternative: "And another one bites the dust."
- (while insisting that temperatures must be in Kelvins or he'll cut your balls off): "For those of you who had me in 122, I'll be happy to sew them back on so I can cut them off again."
- "My mother, god rest her soul, used to call the refrigerator 'the reefer.'"
- "This is a piece of silk. From my department head's wife's high school prom dress."
- "I wouldn't recommend doing this experiment with a live cat. I tried it with my cat at home and she bit me. Not a very pleasant experience altogether."
- "This terminology comes from Benjamin Franklin. That old fart."
- "I'm sorry, am I keeping you awake?"
- (he had a plush monkey and some girls in the front row kept saying that it was cute) "No, that's my monkey. I sleep with him at night. But if you want to join him, you're more than welcome."
- "The coulomb is named after a French physicist who did a lot of the early work of rubbing cats with bowling balls."
- "If you tried to build a coulomb in your living room, all you would succeed in doing is blowing your ass off the planet."
- "This is not a philosophical question. A philosophical question is something like: 'If I speak alone in the forest and my wife is not there to hear me, am I still wrong?'"
- "Class will be over at 11. If I live that long. *HACK COUGH COUGH*"
- "You may have to take dynamics next semester, in which case your life is over."
- "I did get out of bed early today to feed the cat because she was sitting on my face. Cats are not subtle animals, no matter what you may think."
- "Okay, do I do a problem or do I slit my wrists...? I think I'll save slitting my wrists for later."
- (while talking about Bill Clinton): "Dave said to me 'What do you think my chances are of having oral sex with a 22 year-old intern in my office and my wife would stand up for me?' I said, 'Probably not too high, but why not give it a shot?'"
- "Nobody thinks that was funny? We'll abandon that line of humor, you miserable little twerps."
- (he was looking for a piece of paper and said): "Hmmm, looks like this was left here by Dick Cheney: 'Invade Iraq today.' No, that's not it."
- "Don't take notes! You'll increase the entropy."
- (his wife purchased a new washing machine and when asked why, she responded 'The old one was dingy.'). "I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept wondering what she thinks when she looks at me, and I've got a nice, fat insurance policy, if you know what I mean. 'He just blew himself up with one of his experiments. It was the darndest thing.'"
- "If you unplug your TV, open the back up, and reach in at random, the odds are you'll kill yourself."
- "Remember, I told you how to kill yourself in a spectacularly Darwininan fashion, and you have to preface it with 'HEY GUYS, WATCH THIS!'"
- "How many of you have seen a camera? One person has. Six people have seen a camera. How many have seen an electric flash unit? More of you have seen electric flash units than cameras."
- (talking about sailboat races and someone had a Viagra sponsor and the word "Viagra" was written on the boom): "Makes you sort of wonder what would happen if someone on the crew rubs the boom..."
- *cough cough* "Excuse me, it's just tuberculosis."
- "Why is it that I can rip my fingernail on anything harder than paper, but I need bolt cutters to trim my toenails? You will know you're getting old when you wake up in the morning and discover a five-inch hair growing out of your ear.... What's so funny?"
- (while writing on the board...): "How do you spell 'a?' That's a one syllable word... good."
- "We have here your basic penguin aparatus."
- (Clemson used to be an all-male school and when they started admitting females and converting bathrooms): "I knew something was up when I looked over and there were flowers planted in the urinals."
- "I'd stay in Oz. You've got all those little munchkins there.... I bet they'd make excellent soup."
- "And so, we can use the theorem of a famous dead Greek person..."
- "You'll have to excuse me. I'm replaying the Spanish Inquisition in my head."
- "I don't mind sarcasm. I live there."
- (he was using the chalk compass to draw circles on the board...): "I really want to do number five, so I have an opportunity to complain about the compass again." (the department only had one that actually worked)
- "Notice how I distance myself from this by calling it 'your textbook.'"
- "We used 'e' for electric fields, and 'g' for gravitational fields; therefore, it makes perfect sense that we use 'b' for magnetic fields."
- "The second vector in the cross product is going to be the middle finger..." (which he of course demonstrated for us)
- (the clock was broken...) "You keep looking at the clock. The problem with looking at the clock is that it's going to keep showing the same time."
- (talking about giant electromagnets): "Those things will reset your pacemaker for you. That is to say, kill you. Just another way of putting it."
- "What's the matter? Is my fly open? What's going on?"
- (talking about Uranium): "It creates lots of death and destruction. Which is what we want."
- "Something broke. I hope it wasn't my arm."
- (talking about the speed of light and recited several digits of it): "I happen to remember that number because it's also my social security number."
- "If you want to steal my identity, please feel free to do so. I haven't had much luck with it myself."
- "This is the fundamental theorem of vector integrals. The fundamental theorem is 'avoid them at all costs.'"
- "Is that what I said? Nobody's paying attention, not even me."
- "I know many mathematicians and find them to be very decorative and delightful people, but I don't let them in my home."
- "Every time we go through all these laws with the fingers and the curling, I want to go behind some student and put my hands around his neck and crush him till he's DEAD... but it's okay. I'm getting better every day."
- "If this were a real railroad track, we could just take the conductor out of the train and slide him along the track. Of course, he wouldn't make a good conductor of electricity, but we'd sure punch his ticket."
- (talking about aluminum): "Why is it not magnetic? Because it's not magnetic!!!"
- "Although looking around, it looks like most everybody has already departed for vacation."
- "Roll it up into a little ball and stick it -- ....probably shouldn't use your own. Maybe we can find Serway and use his." (remember, Serway was the author of our textbook)
- "I'm not scared of electricity. Only three things scare me: tornadoes, yellow jackets, and old food."
- "I understand some of you have calculus exams on Friday. I like that. Friday the 13th... your lucky day."
- "A colleague of mine, who shall remain nameless... but his initials are Terry Tritt..."
- "One last class to see your happy and smiling faces... At the final, there won't be any smiles. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth."
- "They're pretty good books to read to your children when they're little, right before they go to bed. Deliverance is another good one."
- "It's one of the largest components of my personality: oddness."
- "This was performed by a guy named Hertz, after whom the car rental company was named."
- (he and his daughter were talking about having an ugly contest): "We were not going to have separate male and female categories because we were afraid that Prince would win both."
Last semester, I had a particularly humorous military history teacher... Here are some of his funny sayings....
- "We asked the French to discriminate against black people..... I love this country."
- "It's a pity that the Germans are stinking, murdering b@stards. Let's kill them all."
- (he always referred to the most powerful country in the world as the "800-pound gorilla"): "He's perfectly willing to go after people while still an adolescent chimp."
- "The words "Hitler" and "reasonably" do not belong in the same sentence."
- "Sorry, Cherokee... go to Oklahoma, until we feel like stealing that from you."
- "Hitler did not start slaughtering his generals until they really did start plotting against him."
- "Hitler went bat sh!t!!!"
- "Oh! The Germans have invented poison gas warfare! *COUGH COUGH*"
- "If you can't beat the enemy that you've already got, what you need is more enemies."
- (talking about soldiers digging foxholes in the ground): "The nasty thing about holes in the ground... they turn into wells. That's how we get water."
- "If they had IQs at room temperature...."
- "I hate Adolf Hitler. I like stories that make him look stupid."
- "It's a generalized orgy... going through the city burning down buildings because they make such a pretty fire."
- (he had the build-up to a big sneeze and then did sneeze): "I hope that doesn't happen too often. It takes up too much time."
- (talking about Pearl Harbor): "They weren't caught with their pants down. They were caught with their pants off, hanging over the chair in the next room."
- "Do unto them before they do unto you."
- "There were a lot of people who were really determined to die."
- "Any idiot can fly a plane into a ship."
- "If it's a city, it's a target."
- "The Chinese couldn't make a truck. They sure weren't making planes."
- "When the going got tough, the tough surrendered."
- (he drew a map on the board that looked only vaguely like what it was supposed to): "My map drawing has not improved tremendously."
- "The French locked him up in a mental institution, whereupon he converted his psychiatrist."
- "Both guys were hosed down thoroughly with automatic weapons."
- "It strikes me with rampant idiocy."
- "I am solidly convinced that there was nothing there but Americans and seagulls."
- (talking about napalm...): "All the trees in the area... move out of the area."
- (talking about the military buying from stores like Kmart, etc. and how quickly they can deliver): "Kmart gets this big sh!teating grin on its face and says 'How about 36 hours?'"
- "M.R.E.: Three lies for the price of one" (M.R.E. of course being "Meal Ready to Eat")
- "Without his cooperation, this fine war could not have been held at all. You'd think they'd have been more grateful."
- "The U.S. has been the world's 800-pound gorilla since WWII. We are now the world's 2500-pound gorilla."
- "You people behave yourselves or we'll shoot you."
Here's some of the funny things one of the computer science professors here at Clemson said (as recorded by my roommate)...
- ?You?d be surprised what?s on the internet besides pornography.?
- ?Emoticon? Is that a trivial pursuit question? I always call them semicolons.?
- ?Of course we could come up with some pornographic website. I?ve typed the most innocent things and come up with websites that I bookmarked right away.?
- *click* *click* *click* *click* ?Any questions??
- ?When I newed it here... that?s not n-u-d-e, it?s n-e-w-e-d.?
- ?One student can access another student?s private parts. I know it sound kind of weird. Well, not in your world. Students can?t access the private parts of faculty, and the faculty can?t acc... We?d better close the door.?
- ?What?s the difference? There?s a lot of differences, but not too many.?
- ?I wrote some code to help you, and I hope it works.?
- ?I have a number of questions... What is this? That wasn?t the question.?
- ?I had this one kid come in. I said we had an exam. His face kind of turned white... pale... threw up... took it anyway.?
- Talking about a conversation between his wife and son: ?You?re always concerned about your looks. Beauty is only skin deep.? Son: ?Yeah, that?s what all the ugly people say.?
- Something fell on the floor and someone asked, ?Do you need this little thing you dropped?? He responded, ?I DO need that. It?s part of my belt! ... From now on, when I can?t answer a question, I?m going to rip my pants.?
- Scrolling up a web page, ?Where?s ?vector??? ?Probably down.? ?Oh, yeah. I have a problem sometimes with alphabetical order.?
- ?Makes sense if you know what you?re doing wrong.? ?Yeah, if you know what you?re doing wrong. If you don?t know what you?re doing wrong, you?re screwed!?
- Curt popped his neck. ?Your neck just did something!? ?Yeah, it did.? ?Do you have control over that??
- ?You?re a far cry from 101 students. You may not think it, but I used to teach 101, and the first day, they?d ask questions like, ?Where?s the bathroom,? ?Where?s the cafeteria,? ?What?s a loop???
- ?Once I overloaded the addition operator to subtract and they got so mad at me! They kept asking what kind of car I drive. I was afraid of what they?d do to it. I drove my wife?s car for a week.?
- ?DragonballZ is an idiot show. People just kind of scream for a long time. While they?re screaming, you can be coding.?
- When explaining stacks, he talked about a special beverage holder he had, and how he would put root beers on the top and something more interesting beneath when going to games, ?It worked great for a couple of games, then someone checked all 6 cans, and I don?t have it anymore to show you.?
- [student]->[person] ?A student is a person... with wants... desires... needs.?
- ?Ever use Microsoft Word or Power Point? .... It?s a computer program..... you turn it on... oh, never mind.?
- ?Let?s get this straight. In this university, football comes first, and I don?t know where academics is, but it?s not first!?
- ?Where am I?? ?At the blinking cursor.? ?You?d think I?d know that.?
- ?My wife was in the bathroom, where she spends a good bit of her day...?
- After writing a piece of code that wasn?t supposed to compile, ?No, no, no! That didn?t compile. That didn?t compile.?
- ??Dad, what does ?bind? mean?? So then I tie him up and say, ?This is what bind means,? then I go outside for a while.?
- ?Glow... sounds like something you smoke, doesn?t it??
- In reference to ?_instance,? ?I don?t like the underline. It?s like someone left their zipper open. It?s just sort of hanging there. Some people like it.?
- ?He says I shoved him down the stairs. I just pushed him toward the stairs.?
- ?Netscape has these word filters. Some of the graduate students I?m working with have obscene words in their last name. Brian Cumming. He sent me 4 emails then finally stopped by my office and said, ?Hey, did you get my email?? and I said, ?Oh, Brian...? and then it dawned on me.?
...and there you have it. About 2 1/2 hours' worth of time looking through old notebooks, laughing at quotes, and typing them out. If there are any that don't make sense, lemme know, and I'll try and get you the correct version. We were laughing so much that there might be a few typos here and there. Hope you (actually read it all, heh) enjoyed.