can't believe I'm discussing this

[chusteczka]

• Protect yourself - Have her name removed from any credit cards or close all joint accounts then reopen for you in your own name.
• Do not act provocatively - Do not get a lawyer right away. Do not scare her with threatening statements.
• Separate - Move out if you can. This will give you both time alone to relax and think things over.
• Mediate - Split all your assets yourselves in a fair manner without threats or lawyer tactics.
• File for divorce - Once an agreement has been made on how to amicably split your assets and you both still want to divorce then file for divorce. A lawyer can be used for this step or you can do it on your own.

The main thing is to protect your credit, then you will feel safer. Do not threaten or provoke so she will not take a defensive position and "strike you back first".

Lawyers are expensive. It is possible that a single lawyer can be obtained to be used only for filing but this lawyer can only represent one party, not both. This means the person without the lawyer will have to trust and be treated fairly. The split couple can then divide the attorney costs between themselves.

Or you can skip the attorney and file your own divorce papers. This will require research to learn how to properly write the Settlement Agreement.


I suppose the first thing to do is decide if the two of you really want a divorce. This can be determined while the two of you are separated. This can take time, maybe a year or two. The two of you will figure out your own style for this situation.

 

[Rage187]

Originally posted by: Semidevil

Originally posted by: zeruty
Regardless of whether you want "lawyers involved" you will be making a huge mistake if you don't have a lawyer

Does she work? If so, how much does she make in comparison to you? 50%? Gimme a percent

she probably makes 60% of what I"m making.

doesn't matter, you don't have to pay her anything..get a freaking lawyer already...

 

[TwiceOver]

If she is the one that wants the divorce then fight that shit and don't pay a cent in alimony. It isn't like you are kicking her to the curb and leaving her with nothing. It is her choice to leave, why should you have to pay for that.

Get a lawyer ASAP.

 

[judasmachine]

Originally posted by: dbk
20K damn....

cut her off completely and only communicate with her through a lawyer

this. screw her and her alimony. she is young enough to get an education and make her own damn living.

 

[nanette1985]

Originally posted by: chusteczka

• Protect yourself - Have her name removed from any credit cards or close all joint accounts then reopen for you in your own name.
• Do not act provocatively - Do not get a lawyer right away. Do not scare her with threatening statements.
• Separate - Move out if you can. This will give you both time alone to relax and think things over.
• Mediate - Split all your assets yourselves in a fair manner without threats or lawyer tactics.
• File for divorce - Once an agreement has been made on how to amicably split your assets and you both still want to divorce then file for divorce. A lawyer can be used for this step or you can do it on your own.

The main thing is to protect your credit, then you will feel safer. Do not threaten or provoke so she will not take a defensive position and "strike you back first".

Lawyers are expensive. It is possible that a single lawyer can be obtained to be used only for filing but this lawyer can only represent one party, not both. This means the person without the lawyer will have to trust and be treated fairly. The split couple can then divide the attorney costs between themselves.

Or you can skip the attorney and file your own divorce papers. This will require research to learn how to properly write the Settlement Agreement.


I suppose the first thing to do is decide if the two of you really want a divorce. This can be determined while the two of you are separated. This can take time, maybe a year or two. The two of you will figure out your own style for this situation.

Wrong in many ways.

Yes, protect your credit and your assets.

No, you DO need to talk to a lawyer. She's talking about 20K alimony, are you kidding? You don't need to tell her about your lawyering, though. In fact you shouldn't.

No, do not move out. The lawyer will tell you why.

Mediation - sure, why not. Worth a try. But . . . I know of cases where the spouse thought the mediation worked everything out, but it turned out when the other spouse showed up with a lawyer that they were just using the mediation to get information on assets. Be VERY careful here.

 

[MotF Bane]

LAWYER. Do it now, and don't let her know you're even thinking lawyer.

 

[spidey07]

Immediately go into protect mode. Get a lawyer, she already has and her moves and actions are being dictated by one.

See all of us telling you what to do? She's already done the same with other women who got divorced and took as much as they could get. Monday morning, first thing, get a lawyer. Take off work if you have to. Protect yourself.

 

[Nik]

Originally posted by: Aimster
why do u have to pay her? I hate these b.s laws.

This.

 

[Epic Fail]

Is 20k one time fee or per annum, if it is the later case, forget it.

 

[Pliablemoose]

<--Divorced X2

Hire a lawyer.

Close joint accounts

Close credit card accounts

Court order stopping her from credit apps etc now...

Don't jack around, she may be behaving now, but things can get ugly and (more) expensive very quickly.

 

[spidey07]

Pliablemoose brings up a very important point. Nothing stopping her from going on a huge shopping spree on the joint accounts (think buying a new car). You're stuck with the debt.

 

[Greenman]

There certainly is a lot of expert advice here on how to escalate a bad situation.

 

[chusteczka]

<sarcasm>Go ahead, get a lawyer. Your lawyer will mention to strike preemptively, her lawyer will do the same. Your lawyers will move you both like puppets through cooperative scare tactics while both attorneys discuss your case over lunch. You will both be scared of what the other will do so you will both act defensively, not listen to the other, and be easily milked for over $20k by your attorneys. The attorneys love this game.</sarcasm>

It may be true that moving out may become desertion of the marriage. I do not know the law on this. It seems the two of you need some time apart. Maybe let her move out since she is the one wanting the divorce but she can certainly make things difficult for you if she stays.

My steps above worked perfectly for me in my divorce of 10 years with a home and no children. My steps allowed me to maintain a friendly relationship with my ex and her family to the point I am in business with my ex's father and he continues to think of me like a son. My divorce only required an attorney to write up the Settlement Agreement because I did not have the time to do so properly. All asset separation was done without an attorney. The agreement was settled before the attorney was involved. The attorney was hired by my ex and I paid half the $6000 bill at the end. Her attorney attempted to make some changes to the settlement that would hurt my position but my ex did not accept those suggestions.

Everybody has their own style. Are you going to be antagonistic or cooperative? It is your call. Remember, your ex is most likely just as scared as you are concerning what you will try to do to her.


EDIT:
Do you want to destroy the person you came to love? I think not and believe she does not either. However, you know her and yourself. I know neither of you. Therefore, this is your call to make.

 

[chusteczka]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Pliablemoose brings up a very important point. Nothing stopping her from going on a huge shopping spree on the joint accounts (think buying a new car). You're stuck with the debt.

This is a good reason to control credit accounts to a level they are easily paid off. Long ago I locked my credit cards at a maximum of $3,500. I then told the bank that I do not want any credit charges beyond that amount. My credit is locked at $3,500 with no possibility of going over. This prevents me from receiving "over credit" fees. I mentioned this in a thread about a year ago and many people told me that I am paranoid and wrong. Such replies show me that what is suitable for one person is often not suitable for another. Your credit is yours to control. Do what *you* want with it.

 

[WHAMPOM]

Counter offer for a $40,000 payment from her and an uncontested divorce.

 

[Wuffsunie]

Need more info to see what kind of situation you're in.

Whose names are on what? Who owns your house/condo/whatever? Whose name is on your vehicle titles? Who's in charge of the bank accounts? If it's joint, you might want to take your share (or all) out now before she drains it on you. I agree with canceling any joint credit cards immediately. Whose names are on what major assets and debts you two have?

Don't move out if you can, but beware if she gets hostile towards you. I know instances of, and have known of lawyers to recommend, her calling the cops and filing false abuse charges against you just so that it'll look better when the situation finally hits court.

What kind of job and income do you and her have? How long has she worked at that job? Any history of mental illness, treatment for depression, stuff that can suddenly be dredged up from the past to put herself in a better position?

Since she's asking for a divorce, do you know if she has a lawyer? If she does, you're playing catchup and will have to work your ass off in order to get yourself into a decent position.

Counseling is a good idea, if you're both mature enough to handle it in an amicable manner. This may give you tools to solve your problems instead of just bailing out, as divorce seems to be regarded as a quick fix for those who don't want to work on a marriage. Suggest it, and even if she doesn't want to go, go yourself. If it comes to divorce later on, you'll be able to show you made an effort to save the marriage and didn't just jump ship. Do you know if she already has a man on the side leading to her dissatisfaction with you? Proof of that existing as early as possible may also prove useful during proceedings.

Divorce can be amicable and relatively painless if both parties are mature enough to keep it a civilized process and realize that mistakes go both ways. Or it can be ugly and dehumanizing in ways you wouldn't imagine possible from someone you love. Hope for the former, expect the latter, and it'll most likely land somewhere in the middle. Even if counseling is the final solution, right now you need to know how best to protect yourself.

 

[rgwalt]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat

Originally posted by: Semidevil
see, I dont even know. I guess I'll need to find a lawyer to get the state facts.

this is Oklahoma.

I was divorced in OK. The wife was asking for alimony. The judge asked her: "can you work?". She replied: "yes." The judge replied: "no alimony."

I :heart: that judge! Someone (woman or man) thinking they can request a divorce AND get paid just because the other person isn't right for them is absurd. I'll echo what others have said:

1) Get a lawyer to represent your interests (alimony, property, etc).
2) Cancel all your credit cards, and open your own bank account in your name. Start depositing all pay checks there. Redo all your investments (401K, savings, etc) in your name as well.
3) Put your life insurance in someone else's name
4) Get a storage unit and start moving anything of yours from before the marriage into it. Even things from after the marriage that are obviously yours should be moved into it.

You feel aweful, you may even still love her and think she won't screw you. Maybe she won't, maybe she will. Either way you need to look out for yourself before you give her the benefit of the doubt.

Best of luck.

 

[Agentbolt]

Originally posted by: Greenman
There certainly is a lot of expert advice here on how to escalate a bad situation.

Yeah, because demanding a 20,000 buyout for a 4 year marriage was a perfectly civil, reasonable thing to do. :roll:

This thing became un-civil the moment that happened. She is looking for a payday that she doesn't deserve. Although getting a lawyer, canceling credit cards, etc... may not be as good and pure and selfless as people behave in your fantasy world, this guy needs to protect himself, and that doesn't go hand-in-hand with making this as easy as possible for her.

 

[Red Squirrel]

Wow that sucks.

I hate how the divorce law system always screws over the guy. Why is it always the guy that has to pay some crazy amounts? Sometimes even per month, for life, like when a child is involved. Why does anyone have to even pay anything? Just split the equity and move on. That would make more sense imo but then the law system had to get into this and screw over men like usual. Same goes with car accidents and pretty much anything else where a man and a woman can be involved.

Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get married. Too much BS and red tape that goes on with it.


What I'd do is get a paypal account, move as much money there as you can so it's not in the bank. I don't think paypal is considered a bank, so that money might not count as being yours, it's basically money you don't have but yet have access to. So when they look at how much you make and how much you have in savings, it might influence how much you have to give, though I could very well be wrong on this too, not really sure what determines how much you give.

 

[chusteczka]

Originally posted by: Agentbolt

Originally posted by: Greenman
There certainly is a lot of expert advice here on how to escalate a bad situation.

Yeah, because demanding a 20,000 buyout for a 4 year marriage was a perfectly civil, reasonable thing to do. :roll:

This thing became un-civil the moment that happened. She is looking for a payday that she doesn't deserve. Although getting a lawyer, canceling credit cards, etc... may not be as good and pure and selfless as people behave in your fantasy world, this guy needs to protect himself, and that doesn't go hand-in-hand with making this as easy as possible for her.

That request/demand for $20k was most likely not completely thought out on her part. It may have been merely an uneducated, emotional blowout. A simple discussion directed towards an equal splitting of assets can solve this situation at a low level before it becomes an expensive issue involving attorneys.

 

[ViviTheMage]

just curious, how long did you guys know eachother before marrying? Did you live together before marrying?

sucks though..Divorces aren't as uncommon as you'd think.

 

[DrPizza]

Lawyer consult without necessarily retaining the lawyer. Most of the rest of the issues come down to your state's own legal system. I'd imagine that in some states, it would matter if you moved out. Likewise, in some states, it doesn't matter whose name is on car titles, etc.; in some states, apparently it does.

 

[Wreckem]

Theres very little chance a court will award her alimony in thsi case. Dont agree to anything she says.

 

[Modular]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: zeruty
Regardless of whether you want "lawyers involved" you will be making a huge mistake if you don't have a lawyer

Does she work? If so, how much does she make in comparison to you? 50%? Gimme a percent

not necessarily...a lawyer will only cost money. If both parties can just reach a settlement and file together it's a lot cheaper and cleaner for everyone.

If both of you are making similar incomes there should be no alimony.

Unless you own real estate or major assets there is not much need for any kind of lawyer. Lawyers fees can easily outweigh what a typical set of electronics and the like are worth.

I divorced in 1997...we owned a home, she got a lawyer. I was willing to take on all the debt...split the proceeds of the home and we each take our cars/computers. I'd get electronics, she'd get the furniture. Everything was brand new as of 1995.

With her lawyer and going to court the deal I got was actually better for me. It went the same as above, but we split the debt as well.

There was no alimony (I made about double her salary).

How long were you guys married Alk?

 

[Reckoner]

Originally posted by: ViviTheMage
just curious, how long did you guys know eachother before marrying? Did you live together before marrying?

sucks though..Divorces aren't as uncommon as you'd think.

There are people out there who still think otherwise? Last I heard the divorce rate was hovering around 35% within the first 10 years of marriage