~From the Desk of P.C. Bowdler, President of the Tolkien Revisionist Society~
Dear Peter Jackson:
Regarding the ultimate "Director's Cut" of your Lord of the Rings trilogy, here are a few humble suggestions.
These are only a few of the many changes that right-thinking people would like to see made in this fine family film. We eagerly await your compliance.
Very truly yours,
P.C. Bowdler
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Dear Peter Jackson:
Regarding the ultimate "Director's Cut" of your Lord of the Rings trilogy, here are a few humble suggestions.
- The pipeweed has got to go. Likewise the beer. The sight of little 3-foot-tall fellas toking up and getting sloshed is not exactly the message we want to send to our youngsters, is it? Let's replace the weed and the booze with something wholesome and preservative-free. Maybe the hobbits can chew on sun-dried tofu chips and swig nonalcoholic, decaf Gollum-Ade.
- Speaking of protecting the youngsters, there is a horrifying tinge of pedophilia in Gandalf's relationship to these halflings. They may technically be adults, but they look like children, and the old man sure does imply a bit of huggybumpus with them on more than one occasion. And what about that wand? If that isn't the phallic symbol of a sexual predator, I'll eat Gandalf's hat with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Alcohol-free, of course.
- We must be careful not to downplay the delightful homoerotic undercurrent of the plot. With the possible exception of Aragorn (who may be using the apparent unattainability of Arwen as a ploy to stay in the closet,) it appears that everyone else is either gay (Frodo + Sam, all the twiddly blond boys from Elfland, the scary uberdyke Galadriel) or asexual (Gimli) or just plain bent (Gollum.) NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. We need to make a healthy statement about the wholesomeness of alternative lifestyles here. (Some people may object to this, but if so, we can brush them aside since their lifestyle is unacceptably narrow-minded, and their mindset should be exterminated.) Middle-Earth abounds in fairy-folk. Goodness knows Tolkien provided enough hints of what was going on. A few quotes from LOTR:
"You should never have gone mixing yourself up with Hobbiton folk, Mr. Frodo. Folk are queer up there."
"It don't seem to matter what I think about them. They are quite different from what I expected-- so old and young, so gay and sad, as it were."
Not to mention this corker, from "The Hobbit"...
"O! What are you seeking?
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! Tril-lil-lil-lolly
The valley is jolly,
Ha! Ha!"
Your sensitivity on the matter of sexual orientations is admirable. A lesser man might have chosen the blatantly heterosexual Richard Harris to portray Gandalf, rather than the increasingly lispy and wispy Sir Ian McKellan, who has been known for years in cinema circles as "The Man Who Would Be Queen."
- It is mandatory that you edit out any and all depictions of weapons as an appropriate means of solving problems. Arrows, swords, and axes can be digitally replaced by long-stemmed roses, soup ladles, and tennis racquets. The protagonists should be shown settling their disputes amicably, through sensitivity training that enables them to empathize with the so-called "enemy" and admit that the supposed conflict is merely the result of profound cultural, political, and religious intolerance. It is imperative that respect should be shown for the variant lifestyles, opinions, and values of Mordor.
- The depiction of Sauron presents many problems:
The racist slur "Dark Lord" is out. "Melanin-Enhanced Authority Figure" or "Potentate of Color" would be good choices. Likewise, the Nazgûl must never be referred to as "Black Riders." "Ebony Equestrians" has a nice 'ring' to it, if you'll excuse the pun.
We should applaud Sauron's ability to overcome his disabilities, all the while struggling with a severe lack of elf-esteem. No undue attention should be paid to Sauron's physical challenges (a single big red eye, chronic insomnia, missing finger.) On the other hand (the one with all its fingers, presumably), Sauron must be portrayed in a slightly critical light, along with Saruman, for displaying a callous disregard toward the delicate ecology of Middle Earth. The Ent-vironmental Activists of Fangorn Forest can provide a moral focus for these issues (we must be careful, however, not to present them as mere stick figures.) The search for the entwives should be given a happy ending, when Treebeard is reunited with his beloved Treehugger, and they pollenate happily ever after, covered in spotted-owl dung.
- It should not be implied that the Orcs and Uruk-Hai are an inferior race to the Elves. As enslaved peoples, the Orco-Earthians plainly have a nobility of spirit and a rich cultural heritage which merits considerable reparations from Elvenkind, perhaps a program of subsidized housing with a lifetime supply of Waybread Stamps, or least 40 acres and a Balrog.
These are only a few of the many changes that right-thinking people would like to see made in this fine family film. We eagerly await your compliance.
Very truly yours,
P.C. Bowdler
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