College Applications Part II

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victoria116

Senior member
Aug 24, 2003
282
0
0
Originally posted by: chrisms
I see what you mean. I like the topic of the second one but it isn't something I can really make interesting at all.. the story itself is pretty boring.

EDIT: Didn't the point about becoming assistant editor and such get that across that I wasn't just an Amazon reviewer?

Oh, sorry I missed that. Maybe elaborate your new duties as asst. editor? Btw, I just tried to email you my essay but it got returned to me. If you still wana read it, PM me your email addy.
 

LtPage1

Diamond Member
Jan 15, 2004
6,311
2
0
your intro is BORING. sorry. spice it up, startle the reader. no, i dont know how you could do that. its the hardest, but the most necessary thing to do.
 

LS20

Banned
Jan 22, 2002
5,858
0
0
as soon as i hit the videogames and x-box, i decided not to read further. not trying to be acerbic here... but comeon????
 

da loser

Platinum Member
Oct 9, 1999
2,037
0
0
i would concentrate more on details of writing reviews and take the reader through the process of playing a game, and reviewing. make it exciting, put some emotions, not describing a step by step process. the action and thrill of playing a game and uh..writing??


i really wouldn't put sections about quitting the job went to roundtable pizza, your brother, because it's irrelevant. your story should be the thrill of playing the game and writing. ignore the making money part. i thought selling those games you recieve was illegal?

btw- i have no idea what they look for, so that's my opinion. also what's the essay question?
 

chrisms

Diamond Member
Mar 9, 2003
6,615
0
0
Good advice, thanks. The topic is one experience or event which helped shape my character during my high school years.
 

User1001

Golden Member
May 24, 2003
1,017
0
0
Try focusing less on the content (odd but otherwise sounds too kiddish) and more on the goals.
 

chrisms

Diamond Member
Mar 9, 2003
6,615
0
0
Alright here is another try, tell me if I'm going in the right or wrong direction with it...
-------------------------
As I walked down the hallway, I could hear gun shots all around me. My fellow soldiers were taking cover beyond some debris as I stood out in the open with my rifle, mowing down the enemy troops in a blaze of glory. They stood in awe as I, the Master Chief, almost single-handedly conquered this alien spaceship. Satisfied with the mission, I pressed pause and put down the controller to take some notes on one of the premiere games for Microsoft's X-Box, Halo.

Most people don't take notes while they play video games but I had to. As the assistant editor of Gamenikki, an online game review publication, part of my job was to write extensive reviews on new releases to the market and let consumers know what is worth buying.

I've always had the desire to become a print journalist, and in my first year of high school I was lucky enough to get some experience with it beyond the student newspaper. Writing articles for a publication which had thousands of readers each day, I was able to get some valuable exposure to my chosen career field.

I must admit, the fact that video game reviewers get free games from the publisher in exchange for writing an article about their product was quite important in my decision to start writing reviews. I was a broke 15-year-old after I'd bought my first game console, and so after some persistence in asking the editor I scored myself my first free game. I don't remember what it was exactly, in fact most of what I got wasn't too good or worth remembering, but I do recall the satisfaction I felt in being payed for doing something I enjoy, writing and playing video games.

After only a couple of months I moved up to assistant editor and was getting new games thrown at me left and right. With the editor busy with school, I took the responsibility of contacting the publishers to receive free copies of their new releases. Only after a few weeks I knew some of the public affairs people on a first name basis, although I'm not sure they ever knew they were dealing with a 15-year-old kid who was taking time out of his algebra homework to land himself a copy of Mortal Kombat.

I worked for Gamenikki for over a year before my schoolwork caught up with me and I had to leave. In retrospect I should have tried to stay longer, because only a few months after I quit I was strapped for cash again. I ended up taking a job at Round Table Pizza. My new job entails bussing tables instead of blasting aliens with a sub-machine gun, and cutting pizza as opposed to writing articles about one of my favorite hobbies. It was my experience at Gamenikki which solidified my desire to become a print journalist, and after two years of working at a pizza place I've realized how much more I'd like to be writing for money rather than cleaning tables for it.
 

MrCodeDude

Lifer
Jun 23, 2001
13,674
1
76
1. It's Xbox. Not X-Box. God knows how many times I was beaten for getting the Xbox name wrong
2. You speak with Public Relations people, not Public Affairs.
 

amoeba

Diamond Member
Aug 7, 2003
3,162
1
0
don't write mowing down enemies. The person who reads your review just might be a hardass who is against video game violence.

also, don't talk about writing for "money". It makes it sound like thats what you are after. if you want to say writing for a living, say writing for a living.

Also, your story doesn't stand out. It sounds like the cover letter of a resume. If this is a prestigious writing program, you are going to need to show some creativity in your essay.

 

chrisms

Diamond Member
Mar 9, 2003
6,615
0
0
Thanks for the advice. It is for the University of Washington, not specifically a writing program. I felt I should put at least some emphasis on the fact that I was being paid, because any moron with a computer can post crap on the internet so I wanted it to make it seem more professional.
 
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