First off, I will say that i am writing this of my own free will. Not because i have to. But because i feel i need to. I owe it to whoever reads this message for them to know the truth about me. This is very hard to write, because it will destroy my relationships with people, it may destroy my entire Internet life. I am writing this because i am sick of lying. I am disgusted and ashamed of myself for what i have done. I blame no others for my actions, i blame solely myself. Solely my childish nature. It is sickening how i let myself become this. I owe it to you all for you to know the truth about me. And what i am talking about will become clear in a moment.
I don't know why i did it, i guess I've been accustomed to lying about myself ever since my first venture onto the Internet A long time ago, when i was perusing the historychannel.com forums, i created a persona of a person who was both an aviator, and an insane gun nut. A flattering image, i know. In that persona, i lied about my age to lend credibility to my arguments, because i was arguing a lot of political viewpoints. I see however, in the end, it has only detracted credibility from me. I know this will shatter any images i have built of honesty, but hopefully now i will build some based on the truth, and not a fake image.
At most political forums I've been to, i kept the same persona. But i abandoned that one long ago.
A couple years ago, after i had been out of forums for awhile, i came upon a Diablo 2 forum that, for awhile, i was wary about joining. I'm a very paranoid person. Anyway, because of my paranoia, i would lie about where i lived. I would always say i lived in Los Angeles, California. Compton, specifically. (here's the first lie you've all heard about me.) the truth is that I've lived in San Diego for the last 6-7 years, and prior to that, i lived in Colorado, Littleton, specifically, of ?Bowling for Columbine? fame. (and i do hate Michael Moore). No, i don't have huge welded iron bars across my windows, or a gigantic Steel core door with 27 deadbolts or whatever i said it was. My door is of the mundane variety, with 1 deadbolt only. And my windows are just strait glass and mesh screen. I have done construction work, but it was limited to fixing walls, and putting up a way over-engineered shed in the backyard. That was the reason why i said i moved to San Diego, was that i was tired of lying about living in LA.
I am not a paintballer, i have never even fired a paintball gun. I do not go to some ranch in Arizona and with hundreds of other people wage a gigantic war. (though it would be fun). I do not own some great gigantic paintball gun that puts dents in mail trucks, nor do i mix my own paint.
I have never been shot. I have never been shot at. I have no excuse or reason behind saying that i had been.
i was never attempted molested. nor did i cut off someone's genitals who was attempting to molest me.
I have never been drunk. I am not a reformed alcoholic. i have had alcohol in limited amounts... i didnt like beer, never had vodka, didnt really like the lemon liquer i had in italy.. in fact, the only liquer i did like was baileys Irish creme...
I am not a grand knife fighter. I never defended myself against a person with an icepick with a nighthawk, nor do i wield a nighthawk. I do carry a blade on me at all times, should the need arise, but i doubt it will. Nor would i want to dirty the blade. It's a buck folding knife.. 4? blade, half serrated, with quick flip-open studs. On one side, engraved, is Chuck Buck's Signature, and the signature of one of his sons. Both dated '02, the year i bought the knife. I do have a lot of knives, that i didn't lie about. But they aren't very impressive. All were bought for a reason. I am a camper, for most the knives, that was the reason. The folder was bought for personal protection, and just having a blade handy for utility cutting jobs.
I am not a grand karate master dude. Well, i never claimed to be, but i did claim to have some training in shotokan. That is not true. I have been trained in Okinawan style Kempo. In an adult class while i was 12 or so, i attained the rank of yellow belt (second rank, 1 above white). I like to think that it was harder because i was in an adult class, but i know it's not true.
I do not have a whore that hangs out below my bedroom window. But i do have a neighbor, and her occupation does seem questionable. So i may still have a whore that is somewhere near my bedroom window.
And lastly. I claimed i don't masturbate. This is not entirely true. I wish i didn't masturbate, but i unfortunately do occasionally. The reason i claimed i didn't is because i am extremely embarrassed that i did. I am ashamed of that. I doubt any of you can understand my shame in that. That i am not strong enough to hold off that urge.
I am not asking for forgiveness, or understanding, or anything at all. I just want you all to know the truth about me, so i can stop the lies. I am so sick of the lies, and what i have become. A filthy liar. Some of you wondered why i hate myself with a passion... this is mostly why. I realize none will really trust me again, but i think it better that you all not trust me and know the truth, than trust me based on some false pretenses.
I am sorry for what i have done. I am ashamed of what i have done. I am disgusted by my actions. I deserve any insults thrown my way, and i will not try to defend myself against them, because i know i deserve them. I try to call myself a moralistic person, but what i have done is completely immoral, and an affront to what i want to be.
I am not asking for forgiveness, and i most certainly will not ask for trust. Trust is something that is earned, and all i have earned is a reason not to be trusted.
I am sorry.
I don't know why i did it, i guess I've been accustomed to lying about myself ever since my first venture onto the Internet A long time ago, when i was perusing the historychannel.com forums, i created a persona of a person who was both an aviator, and an insane gun nut. A flattering image, i know. In that persona, i lied about my age to lend credibility to my arguments, because i was arguing a lot of political viewpoints. I see however, in the end, it has only detracted credibility from me. I know this will shatter any images i have built of honesty, but hopefully now i will build some based on the truth, and not a fake image.
At most political forums I've been to, i kept the same persona. But i abandoned that one long ago.
A couple years ago, after i had been out of forums for awhile, i came upon a Diablo 2 forum that, for awhile, i was wary about joining. I'm a very paranoid person. Anyway, because of my paranoia, i would lie about where i lived. I would always say i lived in Los Angeles, California. Compton, specifically. (here's the first lie you've all heard about me.) the truth is that I've lived in San Diego for the last 6-7 years, and prior to that, i lived in Colorado, Littleton, specifically, of ?Bowling for Columbine? fame. (and i do hate Michael Moore). No, i don't have huge welded iron bars across my windows, or a gigantic Steel core door with 27 deadbolts or whatever i said it was. My door is of the mundane variety, with 1 deadbolt only. And my windows are just strait glass and mesh screen. I have done construction work, but it was limited to fixing walls, and putting up a way over-engineered shed in the backyard. That was the reason why i said i moved to San Diego, was that i was tired of lying about living in LA.
I am not a paintballer, i have never even fired a paintball gun. I do not go to some ranch in Arizona and with hundreds of other people wage a gigantic war. (though it would be fun). I do not own some great gigantic paintball gun that puts dents in mail trucks, nor do i mix my own paint.
I have never been shot. I have never been shot at. I have no excuse or reason behind saying that i had been.
i was never attempted molested. nor did i cut off someone's genitals who was attempting to molest me.
I have never been drunk. I am not a reformed alcoholic. i have had alcohol in limited amounts... i didnt like beer, never had vodka, didnt really like the lemon liquer i had in italy.. in fact, the only liquer i did like was baileys Irish creme...
I am not a grand knife fighter. I never defended myself against a person with an icepick with a nighthawk, nor do i wield a nighthawk. I do carry a blade on me at all times, should the need arise, but i doubt it will. Nor would i want to dirty the blade. It's a buck folding knife.. 4? blade, half serrated, with quick flip-open studs. On one side, engraved, is Chuck Buck's Signature, and the signature of one of his sons. Both dated '02, the year i bought the knife. I do have a lot of knives, that i didn't lie about. But they aren't very impressive. All were bought for a reason. I am a camper, for most the knives, that was the reason. The folder was bought for personal protection, and just having a blade handy for utility cutting jobs.
I am not a grand karate master dude. Well, i never claimed to be, but i did claim to have some training in shotokan. That is not true. I have been trained in Okinawan style Kempo. In an adult class while i was 12 or so, i attained the rank of yellow belt (second rank, 1 above white). I like to think that it was harder because i was in an adult class, but i know it's not true.
I do not have a whore that hangs out below my bedroom window. But i do have a neighbor, and her occupation does seem questionable. So i may still have a whore that is somewhere near my bedroom window.
And lastly. I claimed i don't masturbate. This is not entirely true. I wish i didn't masturbate, but i unfortunately do occasionally. The reason i claimed i didn't is because i am extremely embarrassed that i did. I am ashamed of that. I doubt any of you can understand my shame in that. That i am not strong enough to hold off that urge.
I am not asking for forgiveness, or understanding, or anything at all. I just want you all to know the truth about me, so i can stop the lies. I am so sick of the lies, and what i have become. A filthy liar. Some of you wondered why i hate myself with a passion... this is mostly why. I realize none will really trust me again, but i think it better that you all not trust me and know the truth, than trust me based on some false pretenses.
I am sorry for what i have done. I am ashamed of what i have done. I am disgusted by my actions. I deserve any insults thrown my way, and i will not try to defend myself against them, because i know i deserve them. I try to call myself a moralistic person, but what i have done is completely immoral, and an affront to what i want to be.
I am not asking for forgiveness, and i most certainly will not ask for trust. Trust is something that is earned, and all i have earned is a reason not to be trusted.
I am sorry.