Corporate Training Conferences Are The Worst

[xeemzor]

I didn't they could do it but I would actually prefer working to this. Five days of hell as we go through useless buzzwords and corporate mumbojumbo. All the head honchos are here so I even have to pretend to pay attention We won't do any team building exercises since none of us will ever work together. Here are some of the sessions: Professional Etiquette, How to use Visio, Communication Management, etc.

Dr. Pizza, I need you here to mess with HR like you did when you used static electricity to stick the balloon to the ceiling

 

[PottedMeat]

All the head honchos are here

are you willing to humiliate yourself to get ahead?

 

[xeemzor]

are you willing to humiliate yourself to get ahead?

Of couse, i have no shame. I still do the networking lunches, dinners, and whatnot. It's just getting through the actual conference bit that is challenging.

 

[UncleWai]

I think you meant the CCC - Corporate Cocksucking Conference.

 

[xeemzor]

I think you meant the CCC - Corporate Cocksucking Conference.

Yep, that would be an accurate description.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Ah yes, what I like to call the corporate "warm and fuzzy" meetings. My last employer was especially guilty of stupid stuff like that, filled with "advances" (they refused to call them 'retreats'), lots of team-building exercises, and in general, many attempts to humiliate their employees.

For service anniversaries, our lame Communications department got the idea to make videos of people in various skits to show at a big all-company meeting. For me, it was my fifth anniversary that year and (IIRC) there were four other people celebrating their fifth anniversaries as well. Communications wanted all of us to go up to the top of the parking garage, race around in a van, stop, jump out, and pretend we were the A-Team. I didn't show up. They kept calling me and I refused to answer. The finally came to my office and wanted to film me there and I said "I am sitting here and working. You can film that and only that." I don't suffer fools and Communications people with obviously too much time on their hands and no real work to do are the very definition of fools.

 

[Markbnj]

Here are some of the sessions: Professional Etiquette, How to use Visio, Communication Management, etc.

HR thought these would be really helpful and informative!

 

[xeemzor]

HR thought these would be really helpful and informative!

It's a good thing that HR does all the work too. Oh wait...

 

[IndyColtsFan]

It's a good thing that HR does all the work too. Oh wait...

What I tried to do was to volunteer to help at these events, since it generally meant that I'd get out of some of the "employee humiliation" events.

 

[mikelish]

do you at least get to travel somewhere cool like Vegas?

 

[xeemzor]

do you at least get to travel somewhere cool like Vegas?

Nope, the far west suburbs of Chicago.

 

[kranky]

Ah yes, what I like to call the corporate "warm and fuzzy" meetings. My last employer was especially guilty of stupid stuff like that, filled with "advances" (they refused to call them 'retreats'), lots of team-building exercises, and in general, many attempts to humiliate their employees.

That, oh..that's too good. It's the kind of thing you know somebody suggested in a the retreat planning meeting and nobody dared speak up against it. "What, you think we should EMPHASIZE retreating? (Looks over at Bob) Great suggestion, Bob! Advances! Love it!"

For service anniversaries, our lame Communications department got the idea to make videos of people in various skits to show at a big all-company meeting. For me, it was my fifth anniversary that year and (IIRC) there were four other people celebrating their fifth anniversaries as well. Communications wanted all of us to go up to the top of the parking garage, race around in a van, stop, jump out, and pretend we were the A-Team. I didn't show up. They kept calling me and I refused to answer. The finally came to my office and wanted to film me there and I said "I am sitting here and working. You can film that and only that." I don't suffer fools and Communications people with obviously too much time on their hands and no real work to do are the very definition of fools.

Never get tired of that anecdote. I know I would have done the same thing. But our Comms people would have simply given up and not filmed me at all if I didn't want to play in a stupid video. They wouldn't want people to see a non-scripted video and have everyone realize you can just refuse to go along.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Never get tired of that anecdote. I know I would have done the same thing. But our Comms people would have simply given up and not filmed me at all if I didn't want to play in a stupid video. They wouldn't want people to see a non-scripted video and have everyone realize you can just refuse to go along.

I didn't even bother going to the all-staff meeting where they played that video. I had way too much work to do and was working on some huge projects and that meeting was a minimum of a half day and maybe even a full day, complete with team-building exercises. Apparently, they took some artistic liberty with the segment they filmed with me and piped in some ridiculous music and overlaid some ridiculous text (I think I was supposed to be 'Hannibal'). When I heard about it, I just rolled my eyes and sighed.

When I left there and had an exit interview with my VP, I told her stuff like that didn't help morale for people who were overloaded with work and additionally, as an IT department, none of us liked it or got anything from them. She actually agreed with me, which kind of shocked me.

 

[poofyhairguy]

She actually agreed with me, which kind of shocked me.

Well yeah, no one LIKES all the motivation stuff. I think its more a CYA thing.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Well yeah, no one LIKES all the motivation stuff. I think its more a CYA thing.

We had a big "cultural change" at my old company a few years ago. The committee in charge of communicating the new goals, mission statement, etc. came up with a binder with 12 lessons and each VP was to have a monthly meeting with his/her department and complete one of the lessons.

One of these dumb lessons actually had the department sing songs and dance together. No, I am not joking. Our VP looked at it and thankfully said "OK, we're not doing that." Sometimes at this place (a very well known organization), you almost felt like you were in North Korea with all the brain washing attempts.

I have so many of these stories that I should just write a book and self-publish on Amazon.

 

[Uppsala9496]

Nope, the far west suburbs of Chicago.

What town you stuck in?

 

[xeemzor]

What town you stuck in?

Itasca. I guess it would a lot better if I didn't already live in Chicago and wanted to explore the loop, wriggleyville, etc.

 

[poofyhairguy]

We had a big "cultural change" at my old company a few years ago. The committee in charge of communicating the new goals, mission statement, etc. came up with a binder with 12 lessons and each VP was to have a monthly meeting with his/her department and complete one of the lessons.

One of these dumb lessons actually had the department sing songs and dance together. No, I am not joking. Our VP looked at it and thankfully said "OK, we're not doing that." Sometimes at this place (a very well known organization), you almost felt like you were in North Korea with all the brain washing attempts.

I have so many of these stories that I should just write a book and self-publish on Amazon.

Oooooo I have been at a corp like that. It felt cheezy like a summer camp, except its work so it sucked. They try to create "company loyalty," as if that is anything other than a paycheck.

Even though I am technically a "Communications" guy that comes up with this sort of shit I feel for you...

 

[xeemzor]

We had a big "cultural change" at my old company a few years ago. The committee in charge of communicating the new goals, mission statement, etc. came up with a binder with 12 lessons and each VP was to have a monthly meeting with his/her department and complete one of the lessons.

One of these dumb lessons actually had the department sing songs and dance together. No, I am not joking. Our VP looked at it and thankfully said "OK, we're not doing that." Sometimes at this place (a very well known organization), you almost felt like you were in North Korea with all the brain washing attempts.

I have so many of these stories that I should just write a book and self-publish on Amazon.

I would pay $200 for such a book. You have the best crazy work stories. The little bit I've share with fellow prisoners, I mean coworkers, had them rolling on the floor laughing.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

I would pay $200 for such a book. You have the best crazy work stories. The little bit I've share with fellow prisoners, I mean coworkers, had them rolling on the floor laughing.

LOL.

 

[TXHokie]

I enjoyed my last team building outing - two hours of unlimited rides and the local outdoor race karts track. I "accidentally" sideswiped my manager into the wall -- twice.

 

[kranky]

I enjoyed my last team building outing - two hours of unlimited rides and the local outdoor race karts track. I "accidentally" sideswiped my manager into the wall -- twice.

That's not team-building! That's "Every man for himself"!

Communications team, we have a lone wolf in Sector G. Repeat, lone wolf in Sector G. Institute remedial training program.

 

[xeemzor]

Ugh, and now the mandatory charity icebreaker. I want to punch the DJ in the face.

 

[MichaelD]

Go gitcherself all liquored-up and show the ladies a good time!!!

 

[xeemzor]

Go gitcherself all liquored-up and show the ladies a good time!!!

Already saw a 56 year old parter walk home with a 23 year old female associate at last party