From personal experience, it's hard to cut ties with in-laws, they always know which buttons on your spouse because they programmed her.
Be kind as possible, be careful what you say in front of the kids, they'll pick up your vibe on body English alone, be cautious to not say or do anything that they or your in-laws and kids will remember forever, and remember, you married into the family as well as marrying your spouse.
Come up with some code words or carefully crafted statements about the in laws you and wife can use, the strongest relationships have their own language and words, work on that so you're not trashing the in laws openly in front of your kids inadvertently.
The kids only get 2 sets of bio grandparents per lifetime, keep them safe, but in some form of contact so they develop a realistic understanding of how messed up they are, and don't develope an unrealistic, idealized version of them, because it's human nature to think the best of people, especially in their absence.
I had one toxic MIL, and my parents were a mess, divorced wife with toxic MIL, and made peace with my dad just a few years before he unexpectedly died. My sisters are still all messed up because they never came to terms with dad, and it's been 20 years now.
Good luck, tread carefully.
Excellent advice but shit kinda hit the fan and my wife is now on board, completely. Now let me apologize for the wall of text below, this is cheaper than therapy and everyone's so open on the internet. rhiana shows her vagina on Instagram all the time!
I'll admit that I enjoy the confrontation and egged it on, but it is what it is and the adrenaline feels kinda awesome. Not seeing her until she apologizes or doesn't is kinda awesome too. Back to the beginning, my wife drops her mother off at the airport and comes home elated.. I'm happy to see the witch and her comrades gone, but my wife is literally skipping and throwing rose petals elated.'La La La La La!' Supposedly, not only was the experience full of odd silence interrupted by my kids playing, but she was apparently just awful and passive aggressive to my wife the entire time while repeatedly insinuating that I was a bum.
Now, my wife's a saint - not only is she a great mom to 2 kids, but she works 3 jobs (!): (1) special ed teacher (to inner city high school kids at that) (2) teacher of teachers, and (3) summer sub. She works her ass off, and I'm raising the kids and keeping the house immaculate and making little movies on the weekends until I find the right gig (believe me, my standards keep creeping lower by the week, and these movies are dirt cheap and look great.).
I'm able to stay home until the wife takes over on break because we made some sacrifices - sold a house in a now hot part of Brooklyn at a tidy profit, locked some of it away and moved to a smaller place that suits us just fine with far less upkeep (I'm not atot millionaire cash positive, I sold it at a reasonable price considering I didn't want to deal with the damage the tenant did. But we live pretty comfortably, and not off of credit or family loans)..
We downscale so that we can temporarily raise our just turned 2 year old ourselves while also taking care of a 4 y.o. after school. Daycare's hella expensive for the good places ($38k a year for kindergarten, as an example! I shit you not), or shitty. My girls are also kinda cute, boys pick on them all the time, I like being around for just a bit and can afford to.
To get back to the point - we have a plan, we've repeatedly expressed the plan to the MIL (I'm watching the kids and working on the coop previously badly in need of work, she take over during break - hell, a dayjob would be less stress to be frank.)... we're not aimless hippies, and our apartment looks banging with polished walnut floors, knoll office chairs (ok, one knock off - shhh), new crate and barrel furniture and design that my wife put a lot of thought into and I put a lot of muscle into executing, quicker because her mom kinda sprung the trip on us out of nowhere.
Well, her mom walks in and pretends that literally nothing has changed. She doesn't comment that the cat pee covered couch is gone and replaced with a shiny new one from west elm, that the shredded rug is replaced with a handsome fresh one, that rooms painted and wallpapering was done - she doesn't acknowledge a thing, even though she knows I worked the past weeks at an exhausting clip to get it done for her trip. I'm not bragging because I'm balling, quite the opposite - I'm very thrifty, and paid very close to ikea prices by stalking the clearance bins. I don't expect a blowjob for being the savior of DIY interior design, but a "nice rug" would have been nice....
Apologies for the wordiness, prescribed vyvanse and celebratory champagne turns me into a chatterbox and this is theraputic (i should get a private blog, yeah) . Cutting to the chase we're both working our asses off and raising good, loving kids and kept an apartment pristine and hair free with two toddlers, two cats, and a dog while working on a side creative project quite actively and job searching at a decent clip - but, you know - I'm annoyed that she doesn't even notice, but I let it slide. She doesn't talk about the awesome looking movie trailer I just finished filming and editing during the few free hours that I have in a day (filmed for like 800 bucks too), the dope promtional website I built (the concept of which she dismissed as "I don't like horror movies) - doesn't mention it at all by the way. She doesn't bat an eye that we're both 50 pounds lighter too.
Turns out that in addition to just ignore anything positive we've done, the MIL, constantly insisted that my wife give up a hobby she recently returned to (drawing) while insisting that I'm a bum. "You have 3 jobs, your husband has none, and you're wasting your time doodling!"
Back to my wife, instead of saying "awesome," or sharing advice, instead of applauding her for finding the time to put aside and dabble in what she went to undergrad for, she criticized her for "wasting time." She didn't do this once, she did this throughout the weekend.
Again, we're not Jesus - I don't expect her to praise us for trying, but obnoxious hate like that? And my kids are pretty awesome, we're using my wife's masters in early childhood education to raise well rounded kids, and the oldest is scoring mid 90s on current metrics, all while being very social kids. Wearing always clean designer clothes, I may add (even the posh places have a bargain bin, I pay old navy prices and have clothes that lasts for years of hand downs, I'm not being pretentious - it just takes planning and effort.). Their strollers are Uppababies and their car seats Britax (if you're out of the know, snobby brands I like for solid warranties and resale value). In other words, we're not living in squaller or destitute and we're taking care of our kids while still making time for side projects. So why the hate? Why the insistence that her daughter throw away a hobby she enjoys, drawing and making absurd little comic strips meant for no one but for the joy of drawing? Why shit on her parade, like she did all of her life?
I didn't know this until today, and I sorta flipped out, kinda hotheadedly and kinda on purpose. I did take a breather and really did think about it with my wife and asked for permission, then flipped out calculatedly but passionately, so I think I won't be dealing with her for a while. And my wife is ok with that. I figured a phone call would be terrifying to the mil ("I don't like conflict, but I like starting shit!), and they're pretty awful about talking about their feelings, so I sent her a very clearly worded email.
I got most pissed when I realized why she's trying to discourage my wife - when my wife was 10 her mother flat out told her: "I'm [the mother] the artist in the family. You need to stop drawing immediately, you're no good." I bluntly told her to back off, and am very aware that it'll probably just instigate her. Whatevs. At the end of the day my cute grandkid capital is more valuable than her midwestern housewife with no marketable skills value and conversational skills limited to the weather and teams i don't follow... I'm in no rush and my heart not torn if a fractured relationship means visits are cut down to holidays and funerals.