He sounds like a normal 20-something. We're fuck ups. We're lazy.. We get into trouble and throw parties. We are literally as mature as 15 year olds from the previous generation. Why? We were babied. Your wife raised him that way. He is the end result of his upbringing. She babies him and, what, all of a sudden she's going to change? For you? Trust me, she loves her son more than she loves you.
Not that he's a lost cause, and not that pulling the rug out from under him will help.. A friend of a friend was cut off by her rich daddy and.. What did she do? Started boning a drug dealer to get her coke and lives with him now, I believe...
Try volunteer work.. Try helping him get some structure. TREAT HIM LIKE YOU WERE TREATED WHEN YOU WERE 15. I mean that.. Cutting the internet's a good idea. Give him measurable activities to do in order to get what he needs. And have that talk I had to have with myself after getting so drunk that I woke up in a skeezy hotel, covered in blood and vomit: "You're not doing anything to make sure that your life 10 years from now is any different than your life today."
By "YOU" I also mean your wife.
I'm saying all this not as a father -I'm 28! I say this as someone who related to your son, and who admits to spending 10 years of his life like a bum.
I'll also add that twenty somethings these days are idiots, myself included. Maybe it's because we're living longer (20 is the new 10?), or our baby boomer parents gave us everything without having to work for it, but we don't mature at the same rate that my parents' generation did.
I hate to break it to you, but your generalization failed. Just because you, or even your friends, failed at being responsible and mature adults by the age of 18 doesn't mean everyone did. You had the exact same chances as any other man since the first 20-something, and you blew it. This is nobody else's fault. But that isn't even a problem, because life goes on and you can make up for lost time. The problem is, you think it's normal and are now trying to tell others it is normal. You still haven't matured.
Tell him can live rent free for as long as he wants with the condition he signs some papers. Then you just wait for the local Marine Corps recruiters to come pick him up for basic training. Problems solved.
Jokes aside, the structure of service (Peace Corp, military service, etc.) might just be the structure he needs. This coming from a hippy liberal.
It is not ILLEGAL to rent out an illegal suite...that happens everywhere...The $$ is not an issue, its to get him out and get his own life started...plus the extra $12K per year is play $$ for us...my wife and I can do what we want with it and not regret it...I dont plan on working till 65....this $$ knocks that down by many years...Ive had all the toys and dont need to have them again...my house is 4000 sq ft so its pretty big.
If you have not been in this situation, its hard to you to pass fair judgement. My wife has agreed to all of this as she is sick of his lack of motivation to. As she puts it, its time for him to get out on his own.
Believe me this has been suggested....loudly
I side with the OP to an extent on this. What gets me a bit angry is the fact that he refers to him as "my wife's son." I'm sure he has been calling him that since the beginning. Imagine how his wife must feel every time he refers to her son like that.
As loud as you want to be, you can't force it.
An in-law is very similar to your step-son, and she's flirted with the idea of the Peace Corp. Her latest trick to stay under her parents payroll is school. She's going for her second bachelors now - who needs a second bachelors?
I understand your frustration but he's had a life long enabler. Add that to a shaky post-college economy and a world where women don't need a man anymore (good for them, bad for men - far less people here in NYC getting married. Relationships are the ultimate motivator) and, well.. He's not exactly screwed... yet.
Seriously, grab him by the ear and take him to walmart. Let him get a shit job there and charge him a token amount for rent, which you should just give him back as a gift when he's ready to move out. So that he contributes to the household and forces him into saving up for a move .
I'd like you to point to measurable statistics that show that, as a whole, our generation is as mature and together as previous generations.
Still no pics of the deadbeat wife?
He sounds like a normal 20-something. We're fuck ups. We're lazy.. We get into trouble and throw parties. We are literally as mature as 15 year olds from the previous generation. Why? We were babied. Your wife raised him that way. He is the end result of his upbringing. She babies him and, what, all of a sudden she's going to change? For you? Trust me, she loves her son more than she loves you.
Not that he's a lost cause, and not that pulling the rug out from under him will help.. A friend of a friend was cut off by her rich daddy and.. What did she do? Started boning a drug dealer to get her coke and lives with him now, I believe...
Try volunteer work.. Try helping him get some structure. TREAT HIM LIKE YOU WERE TREATED WHEN YOU WERE 15. I mean that.. Cutting the internet's a good idea. Give him measurable activities to do in order to get what he needs. And have that talk I had to have with myself after getting so drunk that I woke up in a skeezy hotel, covered in blood and vomit: "You're not doing anything to make sure that your life 10 years from now is any different than your life today."
By "YOU" I also mean your wife.
I'm saying all this not as a father -I'm 28! I say this as someone who related to your son, and who admits to spending 10 years of his life like a bum.
I am now in the final weeks ( 6) of having my wifes sons move out. I am so freakin happy. Ive bought all the appliances for my suite, the building has started and he has been told that his last day here is March 20th. Still the guy sits around doing Jack, sleeps all day except when the jackhammer, nail banging is going on lol I love it. He has sat on his ass for the last 1 1/2 years while being in this house. He doesnt get it still. Ive sold all the furniture downstairs and the gym has been moved to the garage. Tomorrow at 8am the new blinds are going in and that may wake his beauty sleep...too freakin bad. His mom has finally told him that he has to leave which may have not been easy but he has been enabled to long. Even the brother in law told him to join the army, be a man, get a life. He prefers to sit on his ass...tick tock, tick tock...my words are smiling here as I type.
He is the newest situation....my wife's daughter is 17 and she had about $5k to buy her 1st car. I went on Craigslist to help find a decent car for about $2k-$3K. I printed a bunch of ads out and gave them to her...decent cars that were 1998 or so...good reliable starter cars. But NOOOOO....he has to step in and "help" So he finds this 78 BMW about 2 hours away...goes and looks at it in the pitch black....comes back next day and I mentioned prior that he should have an inspection done on any car that may be worth while. It costs $100 or so. He comes back home says he put a deposit on the car, non refundable. He actually bought this POS in the dark and paid the guy $2800. My wife had to go out and drive them since she( the daughter) is a minor and cant drive the car yet. Here where it gets interesting...the car was picked up and brought home...the guy who sold it tried to put in an alarm and stereo, messed the electrical up big time. They were driving home and the blinkers didnt work, the high beams dont work. The car is parked and next day we look at the car. Theres a massive slash on the drivers seat, wire is hanging out everywhere. We had a freeze in Dec and the doors wouldnt close or open. The only way on getting into the car is through the passengers door...maybe.
We couldnt even open the doors one day and they were frozen solid. We took the car out to get her up and the heater/defrost is non functional, you have to use a cloth to wipe the window. You figure that this would have all been looked at prior to buying this POS....but NO. Later it was determined that the brakes are gone, the car pulls to the right and all the tires are shot. The wire is sticking out the the tires on the inside of the wheels. All the tires are shot. This car is not safe and I told my wife that I would never buy a car like that nor would I drive in it. Its not safe. The guy who sold it is laughing all the way to the bank. The car is still the way it was initially except for tires( that costed the daughter $250...used set) Today they couldnt turn the 4 ways off and the blinkers were going nuts...had to disconnect the battery. All this could have been avoided for a measley $100 as the inspector would have said " DONT BUY IT" I feel sorry for the daugher as she is stuck with this piece of shit paying all these unnecessary bills for an idiot call that her brother made. What a loser...how would you like him on your side....like i said tick tock tick tock...6 weeks, 42 days...whichever way you look at it...he is outta here soon. Thank god
Um, how did he buy the car with his sister's money?
I am now in the final weeks ( 6) of having my wifes sons move out. I am so freakin happy. Ive bought all the appliances for my suite, the building has started and he has been told that his last day here is March 20th. Still the guy sits around doing Jack, sleeps all day except when the jackhammer, nail banging is going on lol I love it. He has sat on his ass for the last 1 1/2 years while being in this house. He doesnt get it still. Ive sold all the furniture downstairs and the gym has been moved to the garage. Tomorrow at 8am the new blinds are going in and that may wake his beauty sleep...too freakin bad. His mom has finally told him that he has to leave which may have not been easy but he has been enabled to long. Even the brother in law told him to join the army, be a man, get a life. He prefers to sit on his ass...tick tock, tick tock...my words are smiling here as I type.
He is the newest situation....my wife's daughter is 17 and she had about $5k to buy her 1st car. I went on Craigslist to help find a decent car for about $2k-$3K. I printed a bunch of ads out and gave them to her...decent cars that were 1998 or so...good reliable starter cars. But NOOOOO....he has to step in and "help" So he finds this 78 BMW about 2 hours away...goes and looks at it in the pitch black....comes back next day and I mentioned prior that he should have an inspection done on any car that may be worth while. It costs $100 or so. He comes back home says he put a deposit on the car, non refundable. He actually bought this POS in the dark and paid the guy $2800. My wife had to go out and drive them since she( the daughter) is a minor and cant drive the car yet. Here where it gets interesting...the car was picked up and brought home...the guy who sold it tried to put in an alarm and stereo, messed the electrical up big time. They were driving home and the blinkers didnt work, the high beams dont work. The car is parked and next day we look at the car. Theres a massive slash on the drivers seat, wire is hanging out everywhere. We had a freeze in Dec and the doors wouldnt close or open. The only way on getting into the car is through the passengers door...maybe.
We couldnt even open the doors one day and they were frozen solid. We took the car out to get her up and the heater/defrost is non functional, you have to use a cloth to wipe the window. You figure that this would have all been looked at prior to buying this POS....but NO. Later it was determined that the brakes are gone, the car pulls to the right and all the tires are shot. The wire is sticking out the the tires on the inside of the wheels. All the tires are shot. This car is not safe and I told my wife that I would never buy a car like that nor would I drive in it. Its not safe. The guy who sold it is laughing all the way to the bank. The car is still the way it was initially except for tires( that costed the daughter $250...used set) Today they couldnt turn the 4 ways off and the blinkers were going nuts...had to disconnect the battery. All this could have been avoided for a measley $100 as the inspector would have said " DONT BUY IT" I feel sorry for the daugher as she is stuck with this piece of shit paying all these unnecessary bills for an idiot call that her brother made. What a loser...how would you like him on your side....like i said tick tock tick tock...6 weeks, 42 days...whichever way you look at it...he is outta here soon. Thank god
The learning is high with this one.She trusted him and gave the $$$ to him.
Yes it is...its an illegal suite
Jokes aside, the structure of service (Peace Corp, military service, etc.) might just be the structure he needs. This coming from a hippy liberal.