Does anyone here have aspergers/autism or is close to anyone who does?

[MrsBugi]

If you have aspergers/autism or know someone who does, I'd really appreciate your insight on the following questions:

1. What do you do for work?

2. How do you manage "bad days" when you are in your head, depressed/anxious/struggling?

3. When you are experiencing extreme stress and frustration, what can someone do to help, if anything?

4. How is your social life and are you happy with it?

5. What can a partner do to be as supportive, caring, and loving as possible?

The reason why I ask, if you're wondering...

My boyfriend was diagnosed with aspergers and autism when he was very young. He's extremely high functioning but he struggles sometimes. Right now, he's looking for a way to make a living. His past 3 jobs have included:

1. Elementary school science teacher (quit because he loved working with kids but couldn't deal with other teachers/administration socially since he thought they were incompetent)

2. Business plan developer for a nonprofit startup (he graduated with a degree in environmental business but quit this job because he had difficulty dealing with so many people)

3. Retail (he was the top sales associate in the nation but quit because he hated his bosses... at one point, he was having a bad day and told his boss he had aspergers, and his boss laughed in his face and told him to "suck it up and get over it" )

If anyone has seen the documentary "Just Add Water," he's like Clay Marzo but more high-functioning socially. His symptoms include:

- A certain degree of lacking empathy (not being able to understand other's emotions or to show caring or concern if he doesn't agree with or can't get why they feel that way) and somewhat rigid thinking

- Lack of managing appropriate social conduct (extremely uncomfortable in crowds, much more comfortable in one-on-one scenarios - he says he sees everyone's facial expression at once, wonders what they're thinking/feeling, and becomes overwhelmed easily)

- Extremely high intelligence & specialized fields of interest (he knows everything about the ocean, fishing, snowboarding, and surfing - one time, I started naming random types of fish and he would tell me about their coloring, fins, average size, weight, and speed, etc. - it was amazing)

- Past anger management problems (he used to explode a lot more when he was younger but has become better at controlling it... he's had one outburst in the 4 months we've been together but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary)

- Frequent feelings of depression, fear and anxiety (sometimes crippling, this happens once every few weeks... he describes it as "an uncontrollable downward spiral in my head")

- Stress with routine changes (and repetitive motions when he gets stressed)

- Visual thinking (he says that he always thinks in pictures)

I love him and I want to do what I can to support him, but I've never dated or been close to anyone with asperger's and autism before so any insight would be greatly appreciated. If anyone can recommend other forums or websites that I can go to for more information, that would be wonderful.

Thank you so much.

 

[foghorn67]

I'm having a hard time with the recent discussions concerning Asperger's and Autism.
I will first get this out of the way. It's this generation's new ADD.

That being said, much like ADD, Asperger's and Autism is a real concern. I just think it's diagnosed way too much. I know a couple of kids in their college years now, that have Autism. Both high functioning and brilliant. It's the real deal, and scary. ( I worry about them a lot).

When I was young, my parents had a rough time with me. I was interpreting other's intentions wrong most of the time. They sent to me a to a couple of therapists and one of them recommended me to a speech therapist. Part of the program was for me not to know the true intentions of the therapy. I knew about it years later. They told me I had trouble pronouncing certain words or letter combinations.
After a while the symptoms went away.
It can easily be confused for Asperger's during developing years. Honestly, I think child psychology was more advanced 30 years ago than it is today.

I'm an introvert, so I still struggle socially. It goes with the territory. Reading a few books improved this immensely. I know that sounds stupid and callous, so I apologize.

-There are tons of different opinions on this, and I tend to agree with the solutions that provide focused therapy practices that address each symptom rather than expecting one therapy and method (and perhaps medication) and expecting a breakthrough.
I have seen this work with ADD, depression and anxiety...but not to Asperger's.

 

[MrsBugi]

I'm having a hard time with the recent discussions concerning Asperger's and Autism.
I will first get this out of the way. It's this generation's new ADD.

That being said, much like ADD, Asperger's and Autism is a real concern. I just think it's diagnosed way too much. I know a couple of kids in their college years now, that have Autism. Both high functioning and brilliant. It's the real deal, and scary. ( I worry about them a lot).

When I was young, my parents had a rough time with me. I was interpreting other's intentions wrong most of the time. They sent to me a to a couple of therapists and one of them recommended me to a speech therapist. Part of the program was for me not to know the true intentions of the therapy. I knew about it years later. They told me I had trouble pronouncing certain words or letter combinations.
After a while the symptoms went away.
It can easily be confused for Asperger's during developing years. Honestly, I think child psychology was more advanced 30 years ago than it is today.

I'm an introvert, so I still struggle socially. It goes with the territory. Reading a few books improved this immensely. I know that sounds stupid and callous, so I apologize.

-There are tons of different opinions on this, and I tend to agree with the solutions that provide focused therapy practices that address each symptom rather than expecting one therapy and method (and perhaps medication) and expecting a breakthrough.
I have seen this work with ADD, depression and anxiety...but not to Asperger's.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience and your opinions. I appreciate your feedback and I also agree that they are very real concerns that are overdiagnosed.

Why do you worry about the couple of kids that you mentioned who have autism and are high functioning and brilliant? What is scary about it being the real deal?

My boyfriend has similar experiences to you when he was young... Always interpreting other's intentions incorrectly, attending a slew of doctors and therapists, taking a constant stream of medication that made him feel strange and disconnected and dulled. At 17, he told his parents that he was no longer going to take any medication and he refused to see anymore doctors. Recently, he began seeing a coach who specializes in working with adults with asperger's, and that has helped through especially difficult times but appears to be more of a "bandage solution" for certain situations instead of long-term solutions.

He is also an introvert and he struggles socially... I have read several books on the topic and suggested several to him, but he also has dyslexia and reading is challenging for him. No need to apologize at all... You are sharing from your experience. I don't take offense to words these days and I appreciate your feedback and taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

He struggles a lot of guilt because he feels he has been a burden to many people in his life, including his family and a few friends who have stuck around through the challenges. Many people in his life have gone because he comes with more than most and it can be a lot... It's not easy, but he is worth it and I am doing all I can to better understand what he is going through so I can be as supportive as possible without being enabling.

 

[Jodell88]

I know someone that has autism but it was caught late. He's not functioning member of society and never will he ever be.

 

[foghorn67]

Thank you for sharing your personal experience and your opinions. I appreciate your feedback and I also agree that they are very real concerns that are overdiagnosed.

Why do you worry about the couple of kids that you mentioned who have autism and are high functioning and brilliant? What is scary about it being the real deal?

My boyfriend has similar experiences to you when he was young... Always interpreting other's intentions incorrectly, attending a slew of doctors and therapists, taking a constant stream of medication that made him feel strange and disconnected and dulled. At 17, he told his parents that he was no longer going to take any medication and he refused to see anymore doctors. Recently, he began seeing a coach who specializes in working with adults with asperger's, and that has helped through especially difficult times but appears to be more of a "bandage solution" for certain situations instead of long-term solutions.

He is also an introvert and he struggles socially... I have read several books on the topic and suggested several to him, but he also has dyslexia and reading is challenging for him. No need to apologize at all... You are sharing from your experience. I don't take offense to words these days and I appreciate your feedback and taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

He struggles a lot of guilt because he feels he has been a burden to many people in his life, including his family and a few friends who have stuck around through the challenges. Many people in his life have gone because he comes with more than most and it can be a lot... It's not easy, but he is worth it and I am doing all I can to better understand what he is going through so I can be as supportive as possible without being enabling.

If it were me, I would focus on the dyslexia. It would help him with something that he is struggling with and largely remove a huge frustration with his life.
The emotional struggle will be huge at first, but I think it would be worth it.
First, it is one check box off the list that makes him frustrated, second it will unlock a new willingness in so many ways.
I say that with caution. I know a few folks that have tried everything with dyslexia and no results to show for it, and a few others that made reading and listening no longer a chore.

On your earlier question, my concern is their social awkwardness can make things hostile. For such an advanced society we live in, we still have bottom feeders that prey upon weaknesses. One of them is trying to make it on his own away from his parents...but living with an older sister. His adjustment to the "mainstream" is somewhat amusing. He lives in Las Vegas now, and is surrounded by filth. I'm not saying that as a prude (I do love me decadent Vegas), but it's like hearing about a simple hillbilly that hasn't seen a naked woman ever being surrounded by smut, gambling and boozing. Or the idea of him getting in the way of some meth head needing a fix.

 

[lxskllr]

A hero of mine having a meltdown...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jskq3-lpQnE&nofeather=True

This is his speaking contract. He lays out very specific terms to make things easier because he's hard to get along with...

https://secure.mysociety.org/admin/lists/pipermail/developers-public/2011-October/007647.html

 

[MrsBugi]

A hero of mine having a meltdown...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jskq3-lpQnE&nofeather=True

This is his speaking contract. He lays out very specific terms to make things easier because he's hard to get along with...

https://secure.mysociety.org/admin/lists/pipermail/developers-public/2011-October/007647.html

Brilliant, brilliant man.

It made my heart hurt to watch that video... My boyfriend has has similar experiences where he becomes so frustrated and overwhelmed, it's debilitating.

I noticed on Richard Stallman's wiki page that he has never married...

 

[MrsBugi]

If it were me, I would focus on the dyslexia. It would help him with something that he is struggling with and largely remove a huge frustration with his life.
The emotional struggle will be huge at first, but I think it would be worth it.
First, it is one check box off the list that makes him frustrated, second it will unlock a new willingness in so many ways.
I say that with caution. I know a few folks that have tried everything with dyslexia and no results to show for it, and a few others that made reading and listening no longer a chore.

On your earlier question, my concern is their social awkwardness can make things hostile. For such an advanced society we live in, we still have bottom feeders that prey upon weaknesses. One of them is trying to make it on his own away from his parents...but living with an older sister. His adjustment to the "mainstream" is somewhat amusing. He lives in Las Vegas now, and is surrounded by filth. I'm not saying that as a prude (I do love me decadent Vegas), but it's like hearing about a simple hillbilly that hasn't seen a naked woman ever being surrounded by smut, gambling and boozing. Or the idea of him getting in the way of some meth head needing a fix.

It was interesting and surprising to see you suggest he work on the dyslexia, first. I worry that this would cause even more frustration because he's tried so many things, with private schools, tutors, teachers, therapists, etc. He got through college with special assistance (i.e. extra time allowance on exams, etc.) and I'm concerned that this will be time-consuming but not very rewarding or helpful... I do like the idea of checking off one item off the "frustration list" at a time, but the list is long and ever-growing.

I wish the two individuals you know all the best... There will always be bottom feeders and those who take advantage of others, and there are a number of "friends" and females who have taken advantage of my bf in the past. I am protective of him but don't want to be smothering in any way... I'm not his mom nor do I want to be. I know his family worries about him very much and so do I... I see moments of beauty and possibility, but there are also some very, very challenging times where it's hard to maintain hope and faith. I love him, so I will and I will continue to for as long as I possibly can.

 

[MrsBugi]

I know someone that has autism but it was caught late. He's not functioning member of society and never will he ever be.

Do you know where he is on the spectrum? This makes me feel sad. How does he make a living?

 

[Jodell88]

Do you know where he is on the spectrum? This makes me feel sad. How does he make a living?

Looking at the spectrum he has Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, the worst it has.

 

[foghorn67]

It was interesting and surprising to see you suggest he work on the dyslexia, first. I worry that this would cause even more frustration because he's tried so many things, with private schools, tutors, teachers, therapists, etc. He got through college with special assistance (i.e. extra time allowance on exams, etc.) and I'm concerned that this will be time-consuming but not very rewarding or helpful... I do like the idea of checking off one item off the "frustration list" at a time, but the list is long and ever-growing.

I wish the two individuals you know all the best... There will always be bottom feeders and those who take advantage of others, and there are a number of "friends" and females who have taken advantage of my bf in the past. I am protective of him but don't want to be smothering in any way... I'm not his mom nor do I want to be. I know his family worries about him very much and so do I... I see moments of beauty and possibility, but there are also some very, very challenging times where it's hard to maintain hope and faith. I love him, so I will and I will continue to for as long as I possibly can.

Thank you for your kind wishes on my friend's kids.

Like I said, I don't have any experience other than observing and perhaps going through some fraction of the struggles myself. Take it with a grain of salt.
Best of luck, your bf is very blessed to have someone like you in his life.

 

[Ichinisan]

I'll read the OP later (when I'm not juggling a bunch of other things), but I honestly think I have aspberger's or another kind of mild, high-functioning autism.

 

[Mixolydian]

Not really sure about this one. I have ADHD which was diagnosed when I was a kid, but was also diagnosed with Asperger's around the same time. When I was really young (~3-6 yrs old) I definitely had a lot of the AS/Autism traits. But oddly, they seemed to have disappeared almost completely by the time I was a teenager. So as an adult, I don't really consider myself as having Asperger's - just ADHD. Hopefully I can help answer your questions though.

1. What do you do for work?

Pre-loader at UPS. I'm definitely a "physical work" type of person versus any kind of office work. I love my job.

2. How do you manage "bad days" when you are in your head, depressed/anxious/struggling?

It's not easy. I just try to make myself relax. Often that involves cigarettes and alcohol, but I try not to go down that slippery slope. I find I often just need to tell myself to "calm the fuck down."

3. When you are experiencing extreme stress and frustration, what can someone do to help, if anything?

Leave me alone. I need some time alone to sort things out, so I will usually remove myself from the presence of others. When return, I would appreciate a hug.

4. How is your social life and are you happy with it?

It's OK I guess. I'm not much of a people person but have a few friends. I'm content.

5. What can a partner do to be as supportive, caring, and loving as possible?

Sex is always appreciated. Try to be understanding - I'm far from perfect, but I'm trying my best to make things work.

 

[Jumpem]

I could be. Social situations and dealing with people/coworkers does not come easily to me. I have always wondered how people just make small talk so easily. It does not come naturally to me. I think I have had to observe what others do growing up, and do what they do.

If I didn't need an income, I could easily live secluded with just my family. I don't need to be around others.

 

[Jumpem]

Fuck. I understand most of the bullet points you listed.

 

[shortylickens]

WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU?!

 

[jaqie]

Tagging for now as I just had an incredibly exhausting day out and came home to the power being out in the entire town... will post when we have power and I am feeling better.

(tablet laptop and cellphone tethering for no power internet for the win! )

 

[HamburgerBoy]

I've never been diagnosed, but even when I was ~3-4 years old we have home videos where my parents would affectionately/jokingly refer to me as "Our little autistic son" and such. Easily frustrated, potty-trained at 4, an early reader but I didn't learn how to tie my shoes or ride a bike until I was 10, kindergarten report cards would come back with "Reads at a 4th grade level, can't kick a ball and doesn't get along well with others", underwent a few years of speech classes, never had friends for longer than a year or two at a time largely because I was very prone to emotional outbursts, and was expelled in 6th grade in one in which I threatened to kill a student. Homeschooled after that, and while I've kind of mellowed out, I still have periods of frustration where I'd mentally shut down. The difference is that up until about 14 it would involve literally crying and losing my shit. Now I just kind of go blank. If my parents wanted to, they probably could have had me labeled as mild Asperger's or something. I'm starting my M.S. in Biochemistry next fall, and overall college has gone pretty well for me at least academically, although I have nothing social going on, and my adviser often mentions that I need to work on verbal communication skills.

 

[Mixolydian]

I've never been diagnosed, but even when I was ~3-4 years old we have home videos where my parents would affectionately/jokingly refer to me as "Our little autistic son" and such. Easily frustrated, potty-trained at 4, an early reader but I didn't learn how to tie my shoes or ride a bike until I was 10, kindergarten report cards would come back with "Reads at a 4th grade level, can't kick a ball and doesn't get along well with others", underwent a few years of speech classes, never had friends for longer than a year or two at a time largely because I was very prone to emotional outbursts, and was expelled in 6th grade in one in which I threatened to kill a student. Homeschooled after that, and while I've kind of mellowed out, I still have periods of frustration where I'd mentally shut down. The difference is that up until about 14 it would involve literally crying and losing my shit. Now I just kind of go blank. If my parents wanted to, they probably could have had me labeled as mild Asperger's or something. I'm starting my M.S. in Biochemistry next fall, and overall college has gone pretty well for me at least academically, although I have nothing social going on, and my adviser often mentions that I need to work on verbal communication skills.

man this pretty much describes my childhood to a T.

 

[hans007]

i know a guy who has aspergers. he seems fairly normal, he's actually i guess worked really hard to be a really good talker, and i suppose "fake" that he understands and feels a certain way so people will like him. he has actually talked to me saying well maybe i might have some of that too since well im what many would consider lacking in empathy. anyway he used to be a financial analyst , and i know he's back in school studying more finance stuff to get some sort of phd after he took a year off to act in plays and such in hollywood. he says to get around it is just a matter of working at it , like getting over that you dont feel things the same way , and just observing how other people act and controlling yourself etc.

personally i've taken those empathy tests, and i score really low like 20 out of 100 on that one standard one it actually says i may have aspergers. i mean i can understand why say someone is sad, but i just dont care like in my heart i feel nothing most of the time and you have to fake that you care just to seem like a decent friend etc.

i remember i was the last person my grandma talked to alive. and she died. so i have 20 some other cousins adn we are at the funeral and everyone is crying. my dad is crying my uncles are crying. and i was standing there thinking, well she's dead she did a lot in her life, but i wasnt sad. and i felt like a somewhat terrible person because it made me feel so abnormal.

anyway , i'm a software engineer and i can understand him ranting about his coworkers being incompetant. its something i've done at every job i've had and some of my coworkers who were competant know im one of the worst about it. its very frustrating and pisses me off to great degree. i guess i handle stress by working out. A LOT.

 

[rsutoratosu]

My nephew has austism.

My cousin does not work, she takes care of him full time. Her husband is a lawyer at deutsche bank, they live cheaply and use the bulk of the money towards his medical care. They live in a very small place and drives an old CRV. I know he makes around 300-400 and probably 500 after bonus as I work for HF and I know lawyers make double to triple of IT guys.

My nephew is very smart, he's able to play games and spell but he is just unable to speak and often "acts out" but I know he doesn't mean to. They do not come out for a whole day of activity, they come out a few hours at a time and often stay home.

Unfortunately he is only 5, so unable to offer any more insight about helping him..

I hope they find a cure some day for everyone that suffers from it.