The 3rd shifters at my office are an odd group...this is what they tend to do at night...
Third Shift only $14.95!
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Third Shift.
Caution: Third Shift may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Third Shift Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Third Shift on concrete.
Discontinue use of Third Shift if any of the following occurs:
Itching
Vertigo
Dizziness
Tingling in extremities
Loss of balance or coordination
Slurred speech
Temporary blindness
Profuse sweating
Heart palpitations
If Third Shift begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Third Shift may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Third Shift should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Third Shift, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Third Shift include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Third Shift has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Third Shift.
Third Shift comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Third Shift
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
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{ open on Woman giving product testimony from her couch }
Woman: I had the Bathroom from hell. { laughs } It was like everytime I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Third Shift. They said the Third Shift system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.
{ real-life Third Shift air freshener demonstrates }
The little Third Shift air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Third Shift hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom's Third Shift clean and Third Shift fresh. And my bathroom Third Shift? He's more than a bathroom cleanser. He's a part of the family. { Third Shift changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower }
I don't know where Third Shift comes from.. I don't know how they reproduce.. I don't know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it's cleaning power is all used up.. { she discards used Third Shift } ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. { Third Shift in red diaper } ..Blue.. { Third Shift in blue diaper } ..or Dylan. { SUPER: "Third Shift will not wear diaper" } This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Third Shift and I are gonna make a great team. { Third Shift hate CLEAN!! }
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Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky Third Shift. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Thirdshiftocaine.
Announcer: Thirdshiftocaine. Prescription medication for serious Third Shift itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you're one of those 90%, after taking Thirdshiftocaine, you'll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a "not-world". There, you'll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.
Suddenly, you're on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o'er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you'll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free Third Shift.
Another side effect is mild flatulence.
Ask your doctor about Thirdshiftocaine.
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This is the Story of Shawn's first night on the drug known as "Third Shift".
Nothing prepared us for the taste, of course. Third Shift is a time-release drug; it doesn't taste unbearable until it has firmly entrenched itself in your mouth. Then, all at once, Third Shift issues forth its vinegary bitterness, wilting tongue and lips alike with its thick, saucy, Drano-like quality. Next time the bathroom sink gets clogged with cat hair (don't ask), I'll be sure to strain some Third Shift juice down the drain. I think you'd be pretty messed up if you huffed the Third Shift vapors, too, but we were too scared to try. Besides, drugs are wrong! Think of the children!
Ed and I were too busy choking and flailing over our new-found atrocity to notice Shawn quietly returning from the bathroom. While Ed and I were heaving mucous-vomit into the sink, Shawn somehow managed to work his way past us, into the kitchen, and to the Third Shift itself.
"Hay mahn, let me try one of dees tinks!" exclaimed Shawn as he grabbed a green sliver of death.
"No! Don't! Quick, Dylan, stop him!" gasped Ed, but, alas, it was too late. Ed and I were powerless to fight the evils of Third Shift, and Shawn had already popped a sliver into his mouth.
"Dees ain't so bad!" Shawn mumbled thoughtfully as he crunched down on the offensive treat. "Dey taste kinna slimy, kinna crunchy. Kinna salty, cho know? Actually, wait...
"Oh mah god..."
Shawn froze as the full force of Third Shift washed over him. His mouth hung slightly open, framed by his cheesy gotee. His brow furrowed and his eyes opened wide, his pupils dilating wildly. I could see the look of anxiety wash over him as the blood drained from his fear-creased face, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before Shawn went completely insane.
For a moment, silence hung over us. Nobody moved.
Suddenly, without warning, Shawn tossed back his head and let out a whooping holler: "AIYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAAA!!!" Ripping his shirt off and exposing his hairy man-chest. Savagely hurling white boards, Shawn revealed that he was no longer just Shawn! The salty mucous of Third Shift had transformed him into ENRIQUE, SAVAGE HISPANIC WARRIOR! In a whirlwind of fists, teeth, and brutal insanity, ENRIQUE, SAVAGE HISPANIC WARRIOR was upon us, biting, flailing, and scratching, his ancestral warrior cry echoing off the walls, surrounding us with it's unadulterated fury!
"AIYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAAA!!!"
Ed screamed like a little girl and immediately passed out. I managed to snap a few photographs of the ensuing carnage, but the pictures were unfortunately destroyed during ENRIQUE, SAVAGE HISPANIC WARRIOR's rampage. When I came to, I found myself completely undressed, lying nude in a dark, stinky, narrow alley somewhere in East LA. I was covered in trash and a slimy mucous substance that I still can't identify. My skin bore several lacerations, but I appeared to be okay. I really don't want to know how I got there. Ed, on the other hand, apparently awoke days later in a closet in Shawn's house. He says that he too is happy to live his life in ignorance of the events which transpired during his unconsciousness.
Shawn, by the way, is getting better. Once the SWAT team managed to pin him down and subdue him (which took no less than a full battalion of the National Guard armed with tear gas, fire hoses, and full riot gear), a team of specialists used primitive electric shock treatment and the administration of numerous chemical depressants to convince Shawn that he was not really a SAVAGE HISPANIC WARRIOR. Shawn's attorney pleaded temporary insanity, so the Supreme Court dropped its Death Penalty ruling. Ed and I personally hold no animosity towards Shawn, and as soon as they remove his straitjacket and muzzle, we'll be the first people to give him a big, friendly hug. Provided the warden assures us that he's stopped biting people's ears off.
So in the end, what is the lesson to be learned from this long-winded story of excitement, betrayal, and intrigue? Only this: never impersonate a Cuban, unless you really are one. And never, ever try Third Shift.
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