Elderly woman racist to us at starbucks, what would you do?

[Perknose]

I know, well, the full way he said it was what bothered me - "come back in a bit and we'll work it out" sorta deal, like he wanted us to leave to avoid any drama for some biscotti in exchange for our dignity. I know he meant well, but at the moment it came off as hush money (and I felt that we had a right to finish our drinks and the interview, not leave)

I was with you, OP, but Exophase's explanation of why the manager offered to comp you some goodies is the better, saner, more objective one. It's the one best tool that they have.

The place was packed. The ignorant old biddy had a straight up right to sit at "your" table. Maybe a more accommodating person would have honored your request by getting up and shuffling off in search of another of the very few seats that were open . . . where the people sitting at them wouldn't try, for whatever reason, to exclude her.

Hey, she probably was racist! But you played a part in this by trying to claim a public table as your personal preserve. No matter how reasonable you think your request was, the place was crowded, she was old, kranky and tired, and didn't respond politely. That was your clue to shine it on.

You were the fully functioning adult in this.

The manager just wanted to keep a stupid spat from escalating and upsetting his entire crowded room. He wasn't about to ask that old coot to move, which he didn't have the right to do, and which you know and he knew would end poorly.

And he wasn't there and didn't know who had said what, and he wasn't about to drop everything and launch an investigation.

So . . . he offered you some comps. From your perspective, he didn't adequately assuage your outraged sense of personal affront. You seriously need to let that go.

Look, I'm Anglo white and at least understand that we, for the most part, never had to go through life enduring demeaning, even threatening bigotry from strangers based solely on the color of our skin.

So I'm not unsympathetic to the buttons this pushed for you and your wife.

Just . . . don't let whatever unfair shite you've experienced in the past make you a less flexible adult in a world that desperately needs flexible, intelligent, well-mannered adults.

The modern "urban warrior" doesn't carry a Glock or a katana, he carries a good attitude.

 

[Viper GTS]

I was with you, OP, but Exophase's explanation of why the manager offered to comp you some goodies is the better, saner, more objective one. It's the one best tool that they have.

The place was packed. The ignorant old biddy had a straight up right to sit at "your" table. Maybe a more accommodating person would have honored your request by getting up and shuffling off in search of another of the very few seats that were open . . . where the people sitting at them wouldn't try, for whatever reason, to exclude her.

Hey, she probably was racist! But you played a part in this by trying to claim a public table as your personal preserve. No matter how reasonable you think your request was, the place was crowded, she was old, kranky and tired, and didn't respond politely. That was your clue to shine it on.

You were the fully functioning adult in this.

The manager just wanted to keep a stupid spat from escalating and upsetting his entire crowded room. He wasn't about to ask that old coot to move, which he didn't have the right to do, and which you know and he knew would end poorly.

And he wasn't there and didn't know who had said what, and he wasn't about to drop everything and launch an investigation.

So . . . he offered you some comps. From your perspective, he didn't adequately assuage your outraged sense of personal affront. You seriously need to let that go.

Look, I'm Anglo white and at least understand that we, for the most part, never had to go through life enduring demeaning, even threatening bigotry from strangers based solely on the color of our skin.

So I'm not unsympathetic to the buttons this pushed for you and your wife.

Just . . . don't let whatever unfair shite you've experienced in the past make you a less flexible adult in a world that desperately needs flexible, intelligent, well-mannered adults.

The modern "urban warrior" doesn't carry a Glock or a katana, he carries a good attitude.

Pretty well covers everything, if underplaying the NYC factor. Expecting personal space in an NYC Starbucks is simply idiotic.

Had you posted this story without the "I went and whined to the manager" part you might have gotten some sympathy from me, but it never should have gone anywhere. The world is not always friendly or fair, and just because you happen to be in a Starbucks at the time does not mean you're exempt from this.

Be a little more thick skinned, it will serve you well.

Viper GTS

 

[Brian Stirling]

What does she cook you?

Fixed it...


Brian

 

[Herr Kutz]

My wife and family (and a student who was interviewing us) were at a Starbucks yesterday when an elderly woman rudely sat at the table we were already sitting at. We were paying customers and she was not - I asked her if she minded because this was a personal conversation and she was literally 3 inches away from me.. Her reply was "this is my neighborhood, you don't belong here and I have a right to be here and you don't." As a person of color I was livid by her assumption (based on the color of my skin, I assure you) and calmly walked to report this to the manager. Instead of hearing the 3 witnesses the manager instead took the white woman's side and suggested that I find another table, he did not speak to her at all. When my wife was obviously livid by the suggestion that WE move, he then offered us free stuff, adding insult to injury. We didn't take the free stuff, obviously.

What would you do in this situation? I knew I couldn't lose my temper because the older white woman will always get the sympathy from onlookers..

Seriously, how old are you? 5? Just ignore her and continue with your business like any normal adult would.

 

[A Casual Fitz]

If it wasn't packed, I can see it being weird. You were out of line asking her to move in the first place. Obviously her comments showed her true character but at that point it is what it is.

 

[Pipeline 1010]

I said "excuse me, this interview is of a personal and confidential nature, do you mind moving?"

Were you guys discussing classified secrets of nuclear weapons systems? What is so secretive that this old woman, who you'll likely never see again in your life, MUST NOT HEAR?

Besides, you said the place was packed, and anything you said during the interview that is loud enough for an elderly woman to hear would likely be loud enough for several other people in the packed room to hear.

I think you could have been a better, more accommodating person. The old lady sounds racist. One thing that doesn't make sense is that if she were so racist, then why did she sit next to YOU?

 

[HamburgerBoy]

Only an old woman could do this because she has no fear of being beaten down for being physically aggressive. Sorry to hear this, op.

Also, lol @ NYC where apparently it's assumed that every open chair at any occupied table is free game. Glad as fuck I don't live there.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Also, lol @ NYC where apparently it's assumed that every open chair at any occupied table is free game. Glad as fuck I don't live there.

Yeah that's an attitude that has come up in this thread that I don't quite get. In my mind if a group of people are at a table, that entire table should be considered occupied even if there is an open seat there.

You don't just shove yourself in there elbow to elbow with strangers like its no problem. If there is no other seating available you stand and wait for a more appropriate seat to open up or get your coffee to go and drink it at home.

 

[Kelvrick]

Yeah that's an attitude that has come up in this thread that I don't quite get. In my mind if a group of people are at a table, that entire table should be considered occupied even if there is an open seat there.

You don't just shove yourself in there elbow to elbow with strangers like its no problem. If there is no other seating available you stand and wait for a more appropriate seat to open up or get your coffee to go and drink it at home.

Just wondering if you've been to NYC. There are A LOT of people there. It isn't like it is a free for all, but to me, a seat at a place like starbucks is like a seat in the park bench. You're not given a table like a sit down restaurant. Why do I feel like the OP's wife is one of those people who likes getting offended FOR other people and he is only riled up because she made him feel like he should be. The OP is expecting to have a private booth in a public place that is packed, has self seating and no table service. Then gets angry at someone saying sorry, have some free coffee on us when you're already expecting more than you should.

 

[Captante]

What would you do in this situation? I knew I couldn't lose my temper because the older white woman will always get the sympathy from onlookers..

And from the Police! D:

Crappy experience too bad it happened, however I would have taken the high road and just moved.

However I would have taken the free stuff! :awe:

 

[disappoint]

That's ok -- Jesus still loves -- red or yellow black or brown they are precious in his sight -- Jesus Loves all the little children of the world!@!

Really? Does he love atheists and people from other religions too or does he want to play thought police and BURN and TORTURE them forever?

 

[Ichinisan]

If I was in your position, OP, I wouldn't even consider getting the staff/management involved. Publicly shame the woman so that she wants to leave.

 

[slackerinabox]

Just wondering if you've been to NYC. There are A LOT of people there. It isn't like it is a free for all, but to me, a seat at a place like starbucks is like a seat in the park bench. You're not given a table like a sit down restaurant. Why do I feel like the OP's wife is one of those people who likes getting offended FOR other people and he is only riled up because she made him feel like he should be. The OP is expecting to have a private booth in a public place that is packed, has self seating and no table service. Then gets angry at someone saying sorry, have some free coffee on us when you're already expecting more than you should.

Have YOU been to NYC? I *live* here and it's very weird for a person to sit at your crowded table, especially when we were single person seats available (we had the last table).

And my wife, don't make this thread about her because you don't know a think about her and are making up theories in your head.

 

[slackerinabox]

If I was in your position, OP, I wouldn't even consider getting the staff/management involved. Publicly shame the woman so that she wants to leave.

I shout, she shouts louder and says I'm threatening - cops, 100% will believe her. I don't believe all cops are racist at all, I do think they believe old ladies more than me.

 

[Ichinisan]

I shout, she shouts louder and says I'm threatening - cops, 100% will believe her. I don't believe all cops are racist at all, I do think they believe old ladies more than me.

Getting the staff involved wouldn't be much different from a scenario where the police get involved. You're asking them to believe you over her.

 

[lsd]

Have YOU been to NYC? I *live* here and it's very weird for a person to sit at your crowded table, especially when we were single person seats available (we had the last table).

And my wife, don't make this thread about her because you don't know a think about her and are making up theories in your head.

They are equating nyc = skyscrapers & lots of people. They don't know you were in a residential area. Yes, having lived in Queens for 25 yrs it would be weird for someone to sit at your table even if it was packed.

 

[jlee]

tldr

OP is just as judgmental and bitchy as the old woman in the OP and his wife wears $400 scarves and is offended when people don't realize they spend that much on clothing.

here..

 

[slackerinabox]

They are equating nyc = skyscrapers & lots of people. They don't know you were in a residential area. Yes, having lived in Queens for 25 yrs it would be weird for someone to sit at your table even if it was packed.

EXACTLY, it was Queens crowded not 42nd Street crowded. It was very weird, she wedged herself in between my wife and myself so that if I spoke to my wife she would be in the middle (sitting so close that my leg pressed against this woman's).

How is this normal to anyone else and how am I rude for asking for some privacy? Then, instead of punching her for saying what she did I went to the manager for help, to let cooler heads prevail yet, again on this thread I'm the bad guy. Are you guys saying that old white people can say or call other people anything they want and we're the overly sensitive uppity ones for being upset about it and not just eating it?

 

[5150Joker]

From the sounds of it, the old white lady wasn't racist but just a cranky bitch. You took it as racist and ran with it and went crying to the manager because you felt discriminated. I think this is more a problem with you having an inferiority complex than her being racist. The manager probably saw you were being overly dramatic and offered you some goods to shut you up. BTW I say this is a fellow minority, you need thicker skin. Just imagine what other minorities like Blacks, Mexicans and especially Muslims deal with on a daily basis, you got it easy w/your white trophy wife.

 

[slackerinabox]

From the sounds of it, the old white lady wasn't racist but just a cranky bitch. You took it as racist and ran with it and went crying to the manager because you felt discriminated. I think this is more a problem with you of having an inferiority complex than her being racist. The manager probably saw you were being overly dramatic and offered you some goods to shut you up. BTW I say this is a fellow minority, you need thicker skin. Just imagine what other minorities like Blacks and Muslims deal with on a daily basis, you got it easy w/your white trophy wife.

Does anyone else not know that "You don't belong here, this is not your neighborhood" is WASP code for "get out [OTHER?]" This is a well known thing, and don't you dare call my wife a trophy wife. She works very hard as a special ed teacher, show some respect.

 

[KMFJD]

this thread started as but being atot it turned into :biggrin:

 

[5150Joker]

Does anyone else not know that "You don't belong here, this is not your neighborhood" is WASP code for "get out [OTHER?]" This is a well known thing, and don't you dare call my wife a trophy wife. She works very hard as a special ed teacher, show some respect.

No, I've never heard of that WASP code but then again I'm not from NY. I think you're way too sensitive.

 

[slackerinabox]

No, I've never heard of that WASP code but then again I'm not from NY. I think you're way too sensitive.

How you can say that without being there to witness just how belligerent, rude, and hurtful she was being, in front of an 18 month and 4 year old saying "you don't fucking belong here, fuck you"...Repeatedly, loud enough for people across a crowded starbucks to hear. You just AUTOMATICALLY assume when reading the thread title that I was uppity, or too sensitive right? You made that decision before considering anything because that's how we are, overly sensitive.

I was in fact so calm that a kindly older white fellow came up to me and said "me and my partner have been through similar things.. I'm sorry." and gave me a thumbs up for not losing my cool. Anyways, I'm done - you guys are all severely lacking in empathy- enjoy the warm embrace of your hand tonight, because that's what a lack of compassion will get you.

 

[jlee]

EXACTLY, it was Queens crowded not 42nd Street crowded. It was very weird, she wedged herself in between my wife and myself so that if I spoke to my wife she would be in the middle (sitting so close that my leg pressed against this woman's).

How is this normal to anyone else and how am I rude for asking for some privacy? Then, instead of punching her for saying what she did I went to the manager for help, to let cooler heads prevail yet, again on this thread I'm the bad guy. Are you guys saying that old white people can say or call other people anything they want and we're the overly sensitive uppity ones for being upset about it and not just eating it?

I don't think her behavior was normal (or appropriate), but the amount of mental energy you are exerting on this is absolutely absurd. Move on with your life.

 

[5150Joker]

How you can say that without being there to witness just how belligerent, rude, and hurtful she was being, in front of an 18 month and 4 year old saying "you don't fucking belong here, fuck you"...Repeatedly, loud enough for people across a crowded starbucks to hear. You just AUTOMATICALLY assume when reading the thread title that I was uppity, or too sensitive right? You made that decision before considering anything because that's how we are, overly sensitive.

I was in fact so calm that a kindly older white fellow came up to me and said "me and my partner have been through similar things.. I'm sorry." and gave me a thumbs up for not losing my cool. Anyways, I'm done - you guys are all severely lacking in empathy- enjoy the warm embrace of your hand tonight, because that's what a lack of compassion will get you.

Look, you said she's an old lady, how do you know she doesn't suffer from some form of dementia or other medical problem? It's obvious she was spouting nonsense, so if I were in your place, I would have simply discontinued the personal conversation and asked the guy to continue it some other time at a less busy venue. Alternatively, you could have just moved and dealt with the indignation of an old white crazy lady getting in your personal space.

Again, as one minority to another, my advice is to let it go. Even if she was being racist, people like her are going to fade away. The future of this country is brown given the rapidly changing demographics, maybe that will bring you some comfort