Experience with severing family ties?

[AnonymouseUser]

Once you remove the mysticism, you realize family are just another set of people. There's plenty of overused sayings that relate to how awesome family is, but in the end they're just people like anyone else. Some people aren't worth dealing with.

My family on my mother's side is white trash and/or religious nuts. About fifteen years ago I realized I couldn't stand them, and asked myself "would I ever have anything to do with them if they weren't my family?" The answer is "no", so I haven't spoken with or contacted them in any way since. I don't miss them, though I do wish I had more of a family.

 

[nanette1985]

Wow, there are a lot of clueless folks on this thread.

I cut ties with my oldest brother many years ago. He's ex-Navy and he and a bunch of his buddies founded a Neo-Nazi compound in New Hampshire.

There are some people you don't ever want to be family with.

How to cut ties? Just do it. Ignore them at family funerals. Remove from Christmas Card list. Don't split those winning lottery tickets with them. Say nasty things to reporters and investigators who are looking for info.

Works for me.

 

[Triumph]

Sever ties if you must but I'm always careful about burning bridges, you never know when it might come back to bite you in the ass.

Yet I am universally acknowledged by top-level people on several continents as a BRILLIANT guy,
what do YOU mean?

Ringtail is my new favorite poster.

 

[james7679]

The only way to quit anything is cold turkey. Rip them off like a band aid.

Them being family gives them no right to intrude or be destructive in your life. We, generally, think of them as deserving a higher level of respect. Not true. We are just, in most cases, closer to them.

Good luck.

 

[ringtail]

``

 

[waterjug]

my question for ringtail....that's definitely not a lemur in your avatar...so what is it?

 

[AreaCode707]

The quote from the famous Pulitzer Prize Winner is deemed "nonsensical" by "Howard?"?

Hmmmmm,

Let's see, Howard has shifted the problem. Now it is:
how can we save face for "Howard?"

We are motivated, but,
HOW are we to save Howard from embarrassment because a few lines of prose by a world-famous Puliter Prize man fly over Howard's head (according to Howard)? ?

Hmmmmmm, this is indeed a problem....

Apparently Howard is coming from a win-lose paradigm instead of a harmonious win-win paradigm? Alas!!!

I remember your original username. It was DessertCart.

OP, my cousins had pretty crap upbringings by their parents and just kinda gradually let the whole family fade out of their lives, which was pretty painless for us extended family folks. I've also had a sibling (under the influence of a controlling husband) write an email to parents saying "please don't contact me" and that caused a lot of unnecessary hurt.

If you want to make a statement go ahead but if you really just don't want them around just let it go and be passive about it. Don't show up where they do, don't take their calls, etc. Unless you're open to changing your mind through discussion with them, discussion serves no purpose.

 

[FallenHero]

Couple of my second cousins have stolen shit from my parents, and my first cousins have defended them, completely ignoring reality. They don't get invites to anything and I don't attend any function they are at unless it is really important to my immediately family members that I be there. I ignore or avoid them while at the event.

Problem solved.

 

[AmerDoux]

I remember your original username. It was DessertCart.

* snip *

The user with the 'highest levels of smartness'.

This should be entertaining.

 

[RossMAN]

LOL. I am not the only one...

I was also beginning to wonder.

 

[PowerEngineer]

Sever ties if you must but I'm always careful about burning bridges, you never know when it might come back to bite you in the ass.

This.

Ringtail is my new favorite poster.

And almost this. I can always count on Ringtail for a different perspective. :thumbsup:

 

[OverVolt]

^

Yea, don't burn bridges. Never, ever. I can understand a falling out with less than savory elements of your family, but still you never know, people can surprise you. Maybe in 20 years they will get their shit together and you'll lose your job/get sick or something and they will be exactly what you need at the time. Thats what family is for. Because without that you just end up on the street.

 

[BudAshes]

^

Yea, don't burn bridges. Never, ever. I can understand a falling out with less than savory elements of your family, but still you never know, people can surprise you. Maybe in 20 years they will get their shit together and you'll lose your job/get sick or something and they will be exactly what you need at the time. Thats what family is for. Because without that you just end up on the street.

What if they molested you as a child?

 

[OverVolt]

What if they molested you as a child?

jailtime jailtime

 

[fralexandr]

my question for ringtail....that's definitely not a lemur in your avatar...so what is it?

not sure if serious?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring-tailed_cat
aka just "ringtail"

also I wonder which coast the left coast is for ringtail , which direction is he facing .

-----
on topic: People are different. You would probably know what's best to expect from a falling out, since you probably know more about them. If your families are as close as you say they are, it'd probably be difficult to forgo seeing them altogether, but like many have been saying a good path is to more or less ignore them. If you're going to openly declare that you don't want to see them anymore, you might want to say it with resolve/confidence and no hostility/resentment.

I think my grandfather had a falling out with one of his sons, due to drugs and/or delinquency, but even after he cleaned up his act (more or less), my grandfather didn't want anything to do with him. My grandmother wanted to visit him and kept mentioning it, but my grandfather was pretty adamant about not going. It took my grandmother's death for him to actually go see his estranged son.

So I suppose It might be best to always keep hope that people change for the better. Time may change everything, so don't burn any bridges that can't be rebuilt.

 

[paperfist]

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives...

Everyone has got some crazies in their family. They make life interesting.

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Friends are the ones you keep close, those you can choose based on what they are like.

Family can be nice, in which case you keep them close too, they can be 'ok', in which case you keep in contact and see them once in a while, and they can be people where the DNA link is the only connection you'll ever have.

I have family I've only seen once about 35 years ago, who couldn't be bothered to visit us or invite us over when we were still kids, and whom I now therefor don't feel like contacting either. I've also got an aunt and several cousins I'd basically only see at my grandfathers birthdays and whom I have not seen anymore since his funeral years ago. They'd always say 'we should keep in touch' at such occasions, but would never respond to letters or cards, and wouldn't contact us either. And when my mother's husband (she remarried) died to cancer that aunt phoned another aunt to ask whether it was true or whether my mother 'was just seeking attention'. She and her sons didn't bother showing up at the funeral either, which was another reason for me to stop caring about that part of the family and decide to never seek contact with them again.

I rather have good friends than bad family.

 

[AznAnarchy99]

Ignoring works and simple and straight forward "No" to any requests. It works.

Exactly what I did.

"Can I borrow money, ill pay you back with 50% interest. I need money for to pay for (insert sob story that I've heard for years here)".

NO bitch stop blowing up my phone. Not my fault you borrowed thousands of dollars from your friends and now family and now you're losing your car. (Lost house already at this point)

 

[TridenT]

You're talking to the guy who is known for not just burning bridges, but nuking them.

Simply: Say no to any invitations (Ignoring them at the start isn't clearly sending the message you want). Do not give hurtful reasons unless you are the master of bridge burners (Like me). It is likely that they will argue and grow a seething hatred for you that could cross over in ways that you wouldn't want (No, really, I am quite serious.). Tell family members that you do not want to see them, interact with them, or even hear of them. Be very clear and with much intention on it. You could also not appear at family gatherings where they have been invited, but that's your move. That could create a schism in the family and I don't think that's what you want. That's a start that is blindly obvious to most of us, but I guess not to you. So, work with it.

Also, block them on social media (even if you're not fucking friends with them). I blocked my entire family (extended+close) except for 1 person ('cause she's actually alright) even though I was never friends/connected with them on it.

 

[bononos]

I've recently decided that there is a faction of my family that I no longer need in my life due to their deceitful nature and incessant need to cause drama in the lives of other members of the family.

I'm just done with their $hit and ready to remove them from my life.

Have you been forced to do this? What sorts of repercussions should I expect, aside from possible awkward planning around holidays?

*the familial ties involved are a group cousins and an aunt, not siblings or parents. But historically speaking, our families have been very close.

Get your lawyer to send them on your behalf a cease and desist letter (or is there a std template for this).

 

[OverVolt]

You're talking to the guy who is known for not just burning bridges, but nuking them.

Simply: Say no to any invitations (Ignoring them at the start isn't clearly sending the message you want). Do not give hurtful reasons unless you are the master of bridge burners (Like me). It is likely that they will argue and grow a seething hatred for you that could cross over in ways that you wouldn't want (No, really, I am quite serious.). Tell family members that you do not want to see them, interact with them, or even hear of them. Be very clear and with much intention on it. You could also not appear at family gatherings where they have been invited, but that's your move. That could create a schism in the family and I don't think that's what you want. That's a start that is blindly obvious to most of us, but I guess not to you. So, work with it.

Also, block them on social media (even if you're not fucking friends with them). I blocked my entire family (extended+close) except for 1 person ('cause she's actually alright) even though I was never friends/connected with them on it.

It is settled then... never burn bridges.

 

[Iron Woode]

My initial ideas are refusal to invite them to any familial events hosted at my house. Any of my immediate family's events, birthdays, baptisms, parties, etc.

Eliminating our usual social interactions which have been about once per month for years, since we were children.

My aunt is off her rocker and her children seem to be following suit and siding with her in the drama she starts.

been there. done that.

My Aunt is nuts, too. She decided that my family was no longer part of theirs because my mother (her sister) passed away. She came over not too long after the funeral and told us we are no longer part of her family and we are banned from contacting our relatives on her side of the family.

Life has been so much easier without all of her drama.

FAMILY is one of your mainlines to life, to reality\

don't sever

work it out
work through it

Family is one of the things that matters

there is no fixing crazy.

family only matters when everyone gets along.

 

[classy]

If you are historically close, then maybe it just needs time for the dust to settle. You can stop having contact with anyone, but I don't know if that is the best thing in your scenario.

 

[Abe Froman]

Here is where I am at. Deciding whether just not attending/declining all of their invites, while not inviting them to my family's events is the way to go....

OR...

Informing them now, to avoid them just showing up uninvited. I'm not sure if the confrontational method is the most viable option at this point. I plan to host the coming holiday in my home. I am not planning on inviting them. But they will speak to my parents/siblings who will undoubtedly inform them that they will be with me.

My plan is to not say anything unless confronted. But I feel as though this may be a less respectable/more passive approach. I also want to avoid confusion... So I am a bit torn.

 

[Baked]

At least it's not your mom or dad, that would really fuck up your mind. Relatives are easy to get rid of.