Experience with severing family ties?

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Abe Froman

Golden Member
Dec 14, 2004
1,057
4
81
If you are historically close, then maybe it just needs time for the dust to settle. You can stop having contact with anyone, but I don't know if that is the best thing in your scenario.

We were always close, but ties have become significantly weakened over social escapades that involve defaming my family and giving all of us a bad name. It has begun to affect our relationships with friends and other family members. It's just time to move on with a more positive time in our life. It may not be for good, but it will last until they've rejoined the rest of us in sanity.
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,472
867
126
Wow, there are a lot of clueless folks on this thread.

I cut ties with my oldest brother many years ago. He's ex-Navy and he and a bunch of his buddies founded a Neo-Nazi compound in New Hampshire.

There are some people you don't ever want to be family with.

How to cut ties? Just do it. Ignore them at family funerals. Remove from Christmas Card list. Don't split those winning lottery tickets with them. Say nasty things to reporters and investigators who are looking for info.

Works for me.

:thumbsup: I like your sense of humor.
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,472
867
126
Here is where I am at. Deciding whether just not attending/declining all of their invites, while not inviting them to my family's events is the way to go....

OR...

Informing them now, to avoid them just showing up uninvited. I'm not sure if the confrontational method is the most viable option at this point. I plan to host the coming holiday in my home. I am not planning on inviting them. But they will speak to my parents/siblings who will undoubtedly inform them that they will be with me.

My plan is to not say anything unless confronted. But I feel as though this may be a less respectable/more passive approach. I also want to avoid confusion... So I am a bit torn.

I think it is best to be direct. Just call them up and tell them that you're having the rest of the family over for the holidays but that you aren't inviting them unless they can stop with the drama. Leave it up to them and if they come they come, if they don't they don't. If they show up and drama ensues then kick them out and tell them they are no longer welcome in your home.
 

Platypus

Lifer
Apr 26, 2001
31,053
321
136
Here is where I am at. Deciding whether just not attending/declining all of their invites, while not inviting them to my family's events is the way to go....

OR...

Informing them now, to avoid them just showing up uninvited. I'm not sure if the confrontational method is the most viable option at this point. I plan to host the coming holiday in my home. I am not planning on inviting them. But they will speak to my parents/siblings who will undoubtedly inform them that they will be with me.

My plan is to not say anything unless confronted. But I feel as though this may be a less respectable/more passive approach. I also want to avoid confusion... So I am a bit torn.

Be direct. People can't get into your mind and just know what you're thinking... especially people who have gotten so hard to deal with in your regular life that you need to avoid them in the first place.

Be firm, direct, emotionless and let them know exactly what you want from them. Don't get sucked into their drama, don't placate them or put up with their retorts, once you've said what you need to say, just go your separate ways and avoid contact with them.

If they are talking shit about you or your family or causing pointless drama, you need to check that behavior directly, not passively.
 
Last edited:

sixone

Lifer
May 3, 2004
25,162
4
61
Here is where I am at. Deciding whether just not attending/declining all of their invites, while not inviting them to my family's events is the way to go....

OR...

Informing them now, to avoid them just showing up uninvited. I'm not sure if the confrontational method is the most viable option at this point. I plan to host the coming holiday in my home. I am not planning on inviting them. But they will speak to my parents/siblings who will undoubtedly inform them that they will be with me.

My plan is to not say anything unless confronted. But I feel as though this may be a less respectable/more passive approach. I also want to avoid confusion... So I am a bit torn.

I think it would stir up a lot of useless drama to inform them directly. That would only make the situation worse.

I vote for a quiet word with your parents/siblings, when you invite them to your home. "Just so you know, it will only be us, no extended family", or something of the sort. Don't get into explanations or arguments, "That's what Wife and I have decided to do this year."
 

D1gger

Diamond Member
Oct 3, 2004
5,411
2
76
My brother was a non-functioning alcoholic, who burned every bridge he ever crossed or came to the edge of. I dropped all contact with him about 12-13 years ago. Five years ago, he died in a single car accident, driving at 140kmph while drunk. His ex-wife contacted me and told me he was dead and I had to become the administrator for his estate simply because no-one else would have anything to do with him.

I never lost a moment of sleep because he was responsible for his decision in life and was alone when he died simply due to his actions.

My advice is to cut off the ties when it becomes too difficult to deal with; you can't let their drama drag down the members of your family that do matter.
 

Agent11

Diamond Member
Jan 22, 2006
3,535
1
0
Why Tribe

by Gary Snyder (c.1969) (Pulitzer Prize winner)

We use the term Tribe because it suggest the

type of new society now emerging within the

industrial nations. In America of course the

word has associations with the American

Indians which we like. This new subculture is

in fact more similar to that ancient and

successful tribe, the European Gypsies-- a

group without nation or territory which

maintains its own values, its language and

religion, no matter what country it may be in.

The Tribe proposes a totally different style:

based on community houses, villages and

ashrams; tribe-run farms or workshops or

companies; large open families; pilgrimages and

wanderings from center to center. A synthesis

of Gandhian "village anarchism" and I.W.W.

syndicalism. Interesting visionary pamphlets

along these lines were written several years

ago by Gandhians Richard Gregg and Appa

Patwardhan. The Tribe proposes personal

responsibilities rather than abstract centralized

government, taxes and advertising-agency-

plus-Mafia type international brainwashing

corporations.

In the United States and Europe the Tribe has

evolved gradually over the last fifty years--

since the end of W.W.I-- in response to the

increasing insanity of the modern nations. As

the number of alienated intellectuals, creative

types and general social misfits grew, they

came to recognize each other by various

minute signals. Much of this energy was

channeled into Communism in the thirties and

early forties. All the anarchists and left-

deviationists-- and many Trotskyites-- were

tribesmen at heart after W.W.II. Another

generation looked at Communist rhetoric with a

fresh eye and saw that within the Communist

governments (and states of mind) there are too

many of the same things as ware wrong with

"capitalism"-- too much anger and murder. The

suspicion grew that perhaps the whole Western

Tradition, of which Marxism is but a (Millennial

Protestant) part, is off the track. This led many

people to study other major civilizations-- India

and China to see what they could learn.

It's an easy step from the dialectic of Marx and

Hegel to an interest in the dialectic of early

Taoism, the I Ching, and the yin-yang theories.

From Taoism it is another easy step to the

philosophies and mythologies of India-- vast,

touching the deepest areas of the mind, and

with a view of the ultimate nature of the

universe which is almost identical with the most

sophisticated thought in modern physics-- that

truth, whatever it is, which is called "the

Dharma".

Next comes a concern with deepening one's

understanding in an experiential way: abstract

philosophical understanding is simply not

enough. At this point many, myself included,

found in the Buddha-Dharma a practical

method for clearing one's mind of the trivia,

prejudices and false values that our

conditioning had laid on us-- and more

important, an approach to the basic problem of

how to penetrate to the deepest non-self Self.

Today we have many who are exploring the

Ways of Zen, Vajrayana, Yoga Shamanism,

Psychedelics, The Buddha-Dharma is a long,

gentle, human dialog-2,500 years of quiet

conversation-- on the nature of human nature

and the eternal Dharma-- and practical

methods of realization.

In the course of these studies it became

evident that the "truth" in Buddhism and

Hinduism is not dependent in any sense on

Indian or Chinese culture; and the "India: and

"China" - as societies- are as burdensome to

human beings as any others; perhaps more so.

It became clear that "Hinduism" and

"Buddhism" as social institutions had long been

accomplices of the State in burdening and

binding people, rather than serving to liberate

them. Just like the other Great Religions.

At this point, looking once more quite closely at

history both East and West, some of us noticed

the similarities in certain small but influential

heretical and esoteric movements. These

schools of thought and practice were usually

suppressed, or diluted and made harmless, in

whatever society they appeared. Peasant

witchcraft in Europe, Tantrism in Bengal,

Quakers in England, Tachikawa-ryu in Japan,

Ch'an (Zen) in China. These are all

outcroppings of the Great Subculture which

runs underground al through history. This is the

tradition that runs without break from Paleo-

Siberian Shamanism and Magdelenian cave-

painting; through megaliths and Mysteries,

astronomers, ritualists, alchemists and

Albigensains; Gnostics and vagantes, right

down to Golden Gate Park.

The great Subculture has been attached in part

to the official religions but is different in that it

transmits a community style of life, with an

ecstatically positive vision of spiritual and

physical love; and is opposed for very

fundamental reasons to the Civilized

Establishment.

It has taught that man's natural being is to be

trusted and followed; that we need not look to

a model or rule imposed from outside in

searching for the center; and that in following

the grain, one is being truly "moral". It has

recognized that for one to "follow the grain" it is

necessary to look exhaustively into the

negative and demonic potentials of the

Unconscious, and by recognizing these

powers-- symbolically acting them out-- one

releases himself from these forces. By this

profound exorcism and ritual drama, the Great

Subculture destroys the one credible claim of

Church and State to a necessary function.

All this is subversive to civilization: for

civilization is built on hierarchy and

specialization. A ruling class, to survive, must

propose a Law: a law to work must have a hook

into the social psyche-- and the most effective

way to achieve this is to make people doubt

their natural worth and instincts, especially

sexual. To make "human nature" suspect is

also to make Nature-- the wilderness-- the

adversary. Hence the ecological crisis of today.

We came, therefore, (and with many Western

thinkers before us) to suspect that civilization

may be overvalued. Before anyone says "This is

ridiculous, we all know civilization is a

necessary thing," let him read some cultural

anthropology, Take a look at the lives of South

African Bushmen, Micronesian navigators, the

Indians of California; the researches of Claude

Levi-Strauss. Everything we have thought

about man's welfare needs to be rethought.

The tribe, it seems, is the newest development

in the Great Subculture. We have almost

unintentionally liked ourselves to a

transmission of gnosis, a surviving from

prehistoric times.

The most advanced developments of modern

science and technology have come to support

some of these views. Consequently the modern

Tribesman, rather than being old-fashioned in

his criticism of civilization, is the most relevant

type in contemporary society. Nationalism,

warfare, heavy industry and consumership, are

already outdated and useless. The next great

step of mankind is to step into the nature of his

own mind-- the real question is "just what is

consciousness?"-- and we must make the most

intelligent and creative uses of science in

exploring these questions. The man of wide

international experience, much learning and

leisure-- luxurious product of our long and

sophisticated history-- may with good reason

wish to live simply, with few tools minimal

clothes, close to nature.

The Revolution has ceased to be an ideological

concern. Instead, people are trying it out right

now-- communism in small communities, new

family organization. A million people in

American and another million in England and

Europe. A vast underground in Russia, which

will come out in the open four or five years

hence, is now biding. How do they recognize

each other? Not always by beards, long hair,

bare feet or beads. The signal is a bright and

tender look; calmness and gentleness,

freshness and ease of manner. Men, women

and children-- all of whom together hope to

follow the timeless path of love and wisdom, in

affectionate company with the sky, winds,

clouds, trees, waters, animals and grasses- this

is the tribe.

Sounds the like pseudo intellectual ramblings of a overly idealistic misfit dreamer. Even in the examples cited as peaceful there can be found histories of violence and intolerance.

Also, capitalism is an economic model. Not the founding thesis of our government.
That would be the constitution, which was born of the enlightenment and is a damn fine document.

But then again people are free to believe as they will in our great country.

+1 For telling them how you feel, without too much vulgarity or personal insults. Just tell it as you see it, tell them they need to shape up or you will remove them from your life.
And warn them they are on probation.

Tell your 'ally' family members as well, so that they can brace for the shit storm.
 

Circlenaut

Platinum Member
Mar 22, 2001
2,175
5
81
I never understood the preference that people give to family. To me there is no difference between a really good friend and a brother. If they're a shit person, doesn't matter of their family, friends, black, white whatever sever them off.
 

Scotteq

Diamond Member
Apr 10, 2008
5,276
5
0
Just ignore them.

...and when the birthday/holiday cards come, slap a stamp on them (unopened, ofc), write "Refused, return to sender", and chuck them back in the mailbox. They get the message reeeeeeal quick when you do that.
 

Abe Froman

Golden Member
Dec 14, 2004
1,057
4
81
Be direct. People can't get into your mind and just know what you're thinking... especially people who have gotten so hard to deal with in your regular life that you need to avoid them in the first place.

Be firm, direct, emotionless and let them know exactly what you want from them. Don't get sucked into their drama, don't placate them or put up with their retorts, once you've said what you need to say, just go your separate ways and avoid contact with them.

If they are talking shit about you or your family or causing pointless drama, you need to check that behavior directly, not passively.

I've directly confronted them about the negative comments regarding myself and my family. They simply deny it. How do you argue with someone who just denies and places blame elsewhere, even when you have proof? It's a dog chasing its tail.

I've cut off friends etc, but never family before.
 

rasczak

Lifer
Jan 29, 2005
10,453
22
81
I've directly confronted them about the negative comments regarding myself and my family. They simply deny it. How do you argue with someone who just denies and places blame elsewhere, even when you have proof? It's a dog chasing its tail.

I've cut off friends etc, but never family before.

Sorry to hear that man. I think the best option at this point is the silent treatment. Make your plans, remind those invited to be discreet about it. If those family members show up, simply ask them to come back when they are ready to be adults.
 

Platypus

Lifer
Apr 26, 2001
31,053
321
136
I've directly confronted them about the negative comments regarding myself and my family. They simply deny it. How do you argue with someone who just denies and places blame elsewhere, even when you have proof? It's a dog chasing its tail.

I've cut off friends etc, but never family before.

Then you've done your due diligence and are obviously dealing with children. You don't need that in your life, cut it out or continue to suffer.

At least it's your aunt, I've been through this with a parent.
 
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