Family Member Advice

[TechAZ]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a brother who I'm afraid might be in a tailspin. He's 35, worked as a CNA for years and got fired last month for attendance and falling asleep at work. I paid his rent for December. He is now working retail for near minimum wage and is in poverty status (no savings, no CC, thousands in debt to payday loans). His car likely won't last a year and he lives 2k miles away. He doesn't have the option to move in with other family members and other family members do not have the means to financially support him. He has never been diagnosed with a mental issue, but it's clear he has something wrong. He's a conspiracy nut, he never does things the right way, there is always an excuse for his problems other than the problem being him.

With that said, does anyone have any advice on what I should do, or something to make me feel better? I don't know if I can give him $500 every month to not be homeless. He makes excuses why he won't get on gov't assistance.

It has been causing me great stress and sadness. I feel like he would be diagnosed as at least partially disabled mentally, but he would never see a doctor. I'm afraid if he becomes homeless he will kill himself.

Thanks in advance for any advice or stories of your own.

 

[Azraele]

This sounds like he doesn't want/care to be helped. He has to want to make a change in his life. Excuses as to why he can't are just that..excuses. If you think he needs mental help, perhaps there is a way to get him evaluated? It might help to find the root cause of why his work performance suddenly went downhill when it sounds as if he was ok before.

 

[RGN]

You can't help folks that are unwilling to help themselves, family or not.

In fact, with family, you have to tread really carefully as to not get taken advantage of. It is ok to draw a line and say that is your choice/problem, you have to work to deal with it.

Someone doesn't just get fired for attendance and falling asleep at work, you have to make a string of bad choices to get there.

I had a close family member recently approach me for some assistance, I had to politely refuse. Despite guarantee's that it would be 'ok' this time, and it was to help him in a 'good' cause and also to stay out of legal trouble. I explained that it would be a hardship for me to help, and that it was his string of bad choices that brought him to the situation he was in. Also that the requested help couldn't be 'ok' based on his a fore mentioned bad choices, coupled with his history in this area.

I know its vague.... but I the concept is there.

 

[lxskllr]

Not a lot you can do. People need to live their own lives. It's also easy to get sucked into a bunch of bullshit, and you end up with an adult child. You can help if you think it'll /really/ help, but try to keep him at arms length. If you get too involved, your standard of living can drop, and his won't budge.

 

[SandEagle]

how about not give him money and pay for rent instead? does he have a gambling addiction, substance abuse, or depression that you are aware of?

 

[sixone]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a brother who I'm afraid might be in a tailspin. He's 35, worked as a CNA for years and got fired last month for attendance and falling asleep at work. I paid his rent for December. He is now working retail for near minimum wage and is in poverty status (no savings, no CC, thousands in debt to payday loans). His car likely won't last a year and he lives 2k miles away. He doesn't have the option to move in with other family members and other family members do not have the means to financially support him. He has never been diagnosed with a mental issue, but it's clear he has something wrong. He's a conspiracy nut, he never does things the right way, there is always an excuse for his problems other than the problem being him.

With that said, does anyone have any advice on what I should do, or something to make me feel better? I don't know if I can give him $500 every month to not be homeless. He makes excuses why he won't get on gov't assistance.

It has been causing me great stress and sadness. I feel like he would be diagnosed as at least partially disabled mentally, but he would never see a doctor. I'm afraid if he becomes homeless he will kill himself.

Thanks in advance for any advice or stories of your own.

The best thing you can do for your brother is to get out of his way, and stop keeping him from learning that he is, in fact, his own problem. The sooner he learns this, the happier he'll be.

It's tough watching someone you care about hurting himself.

 

[MotionMan]

It may be really hard, but you probably should do the following:

1. Do not give him any more money;
2. Help him get government assistance;
3. Help him get a medical/mental evaluation.

If he will not do 2 or 3, there is not much you can really do to actually help him (versus enabling him).

I had a family member who was a complete mess (probably mental issues, criminal record, drugs), but he was a really charming character, so he strung in and used up a number of family members. Many of us had to just write him off because of his history of being a 100% f-up.

This is how things turned out. Some people just cannot be saved.

MotionMan

 

[nanette1985]

The best thing you can do for your brother is to get out of his way, and stop keeping him from learning that he is, in fact, his own problem. The sooner he learns this, the happier he'll be.

It's tough watching someone you care about hurting himself.

This.

Having been through similar situations myself, The best thing you can do at this point is to find a good therapist for yourself. It doesn't help anything if you are stressed, worried, upset. Work through your own issues about this. Anything you do to try and fix him in your condition will be less than useful.

Hang in there.