Fiance's car TAKEN!

[Garet Jax]

I feel sorry for your entire family. This is an opportunity to share in one of the most special human experiences possible. Instead her Dad is turning this into a nightmare.

It is in both of your interests to repair the relationship since you will both benefit so much from it.

 

[dethman]

for some reason op sounds like a tool.

 

[shadow9d9]

Originally posted by: dethman
for some reason op sounds like a tool.

For some reason, you do.

 

[chambersc]

Originally posted by: griffis

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
I find it annoying that some are saying that they are not ready to have a kid... most of the time, you never are but things do happen and there is nothing they can do about it now, so whats the point in telling them they will be unfit parents (or similar)? They cannot do anything about it at this point.

However, OP, it worries me that you say you are not worried at all about the birth or having a baby. There should always be some worry or nervousness with an undertaking that large.

I feel bad at the whole situation, but you need to be an adult about everything and it does not seem like you are at this point. Neither is she. You made choices that perhaps her father does not like, they are YOUR choices, but you need to learn to live with any issues that come with them... whether they be getting the car taken away or having him not being a part of your Fiancees/yours/new childs life.

Lola, of course I am worried but excitement overpowers all of that. A couple of our friends have recently just had kids and just knowing that the two of you created life together is beautiful to me. Having a baby is almost like knowing someone indirectly for 9 months and then meeting them for the first time. I am worried and I know financially it could be tough but I know people who are my age and they can't even get health insurance for their child where as all that is taken care of for us along with daycare and other things.

Also, thanks for saying that judging us for being unfit parents is a little judgmental on everyone's part but everyone has their opinion. All i know is when she has the baby she is on maternity leave for three months to stay at home with him while I take care of everything else. This does not bother me in the least.

Ah, after reading this, I'm reassured about your predicament. Not that you care (I don't know if you do or not) but it sounds like the typical jitters. You have accepted your position and are attempting to make the best of it for your new family. I wish you the best and a hearty good luck goes out to you.

 

[Calin]

Originally posted by: halik
welcome to the real world... and wht the hell did you knock up a 22 year old girl? Woot my ass, i very much doubt that you're ready to have kids. My stepbrother is 30 and it's a full FULL time job for him. Really dumb decision imo.

A kid will need a lot of time, dedication, care. Also, expenses will increase a lot.
On the other side, age has nothing to do with how good a parent can you be. I hope for good, and wish you well.

 

[BoomerD]

So, quit whining about losing the car, and move on. YES, if the title is in his name, he has the right to do that. Does it suck? Absloutely, and I'd be pissed too, however, coming here and whining/ranting about it does nothing to solve the problem. IF your allegations of abuse are true, why even maintain contact with the guy? Sounds like she would be better off with him out of her life anyway...
Find a decent car for her and move on...

 

[unsped]

bwahahahaha... sorrry *catches breath* bwahahahaha

 

[imported_michaelpatrick33]

Originally posted by: Tom
I don't agree with many here that you are too young to start a family, that's preposterous.

On the other hand, you start off complaining about the car, then like an afterthought you toss out some allegation about the father being abusive, as if the two things have anything to do with each other.

And you say your going to take away his rights as a grandparent, because of the car ? Not the "abuse"..

If he was actually abusive, why would you even want the car ?

What about the rights of your child to have a grandfather ? Are you thinking about that ?

If the father was abusive than his taking the car away is an obvious abuse (a further abuse on the daughter and demonstrates an obvious dysfunction on the father's part. The car was obviously an ego boost/buying of affection and when his status as dominant giver of gifts/male in her life was threatened he lashed out and took away his "gifts" ... ie his ego had to be protected. He then lashed out at them for being too young and not wanting anything to do with the grand daughter (which makes no logical sense) to further hurt his daughter for "betraying" him.

I would not want my child to interact with anyone who abuses their mother either physically or emotionally, period. If, over the course of time, I observed changed and consistent behavior than I would introduce him to the child but only supervised. Be thankful that he exposed himself for the evil dysfunctional man that he is and move on without him as much as possible. Perhaps counseling for the two of you or your fiance alone would be advisable if she is have ambigous or torn feelings concerning this situation. Stop posting on ATOT about our opinions (ironic for coming at the end of a long bombastic opinion) and get a new car.

Also, ignore the oddballs on this thread stating that 23 and 22 are too young to have children. If you feel you are ready for the commitment and are financially secure and independent enough than congraduations.

 

[imported_michaelpatrick33]

Originally posted by: Bryophyte

Originally posted by: griffis
I am thinking about all that. If he DOES come around then I will let him see him, you are right it's not place to make that judgment. But, it will be supervised by either me or my fiance. The reason I mentioned the abuse is because it's not an afterthough but because beyond physical abuse he still abuses her emotionally. he calls her stupid and tells her she isn't worth a ****** and tells her she will never amount to anything.

She needs to set limits with her father. When he calls her names, she needs to immediately tell him that she will not tolerate it and cut off the contact, whether it's on the phone or in person (get up and leave.) She is an adult and does NOT have to give him the opportunity to continue to berate her. She also needs to tell him that if he DOES berate her that she expects an apology from him before she will speak to him again, EVERY SINGLE TIME. She probably doesn't feel safe telling him this in person, so I would suggest a letter, delivered certified if possible. Make him sign for it. Something on the order of:

"Dear Dad,

I respect your right to hold your own opinions, but I am an adult now and I expect to be treated with respect whether you agree with my choices or not. I will no longer tolerate you calling me names and insulting me. From this day on, I will only speak to you when you can discuss things rationally and refrain from being verbally abusive. If you say something inappropriate to me, I will immediately stop the conversation with you and will not continue until you have apologized. Etc, etc, etc......

Your daughter,
XXX"

Something like that. Rationally set forward her terms for contact with him, without returning his verbal abuse or calling him names, without threats over grandchildren, just address it one conversation at a time.

:thumbsup: Well stated!

 

[imported_michaelpatrick33]

Originally posted by: IHateMyJob2004
Child out of wedlock? Ya, you should be ashamed of your future father in law. News for you ... some people still have morales. You may not have realized it, but your future wife may have already been dis-owned.

:laugh: You mean those patriarchal Judeo-Christian ones that state, "let he who has not sinned cast the first stone?" Morals? :laugh:

 

[SirChadwick]

Originally posted by: dethman
for some reason op sounds like a tool.

smoke pole much?

 

[imported_griffis]

this is going downhill fast lol

 

[NicePants42]

Originally posted by: captains
blessing in disguise.... he's outta your live (or should be) and it didnt cost u a thing

Bingo. Nothing wrong with your situation, you just need to make sure not to let the guy back into your life.

Congrats on the engagement and the bun. My single life will end shortly as well.

 

[imported_griffis]

BUMP for update

 

[dabuddha]

Be the bigger man and go to the dinner. But don't apologize for anything.

 

[codeyf]

Originally posted by: dabuddha
Be the bigger man and go to the dinner. But don't apologize for anything.

:thumbsup:

 

[Howard]

Originally posted by: griffis
UPDATE 1:

Ok, so we ended buying her a 93 Jeep Grand Cherokee for cash in pretty good condition. Made a couple minor repairs and now she actually owns a car. Last week, she calls her dad to discuss a life insurance policy because I have recently uped mine and were looking at getting her some as well in case something happens after the baby is born. Well, during that call he starts saying he wants to be a part of her life again and that everyone is telling him to stop being such an a$$. So, the first thing he wants to do is meet with me tonight over dinner. My fiance believes that since I never had the change to ask him for her hand in marraige that this is the time plus she wants me to smooth other things over. What would you do?! Thanks for all the input as well.

The enjoyable thing to do would be to tell him to suck you off. The smart thing to do would be to forgive him.

---------------------------------------------------------
You apparently have a hard time understanding decency here.

Please take another 2 weeks to figure out what you posted that is considered unacceptable.

Anandtech Moderator

 

[chairbornrangerx]

my gf's dad is in the same boat somewhat, he's a crazy ass loon who deserves a good @$$ kicking.

 

[Lola]

i have found that many times the parents and childs roles are reversed.
Be the adult in the situation. Go to the dinner with an open mind but be careful what you say and take note of what he says.

 

[JEDI]

Originally posted by: griffis
ATOT,

This is sort of a rant/advice topic. Here is the gist of things. My fiance is 22 and about a year ago her father bought her a brand new Mazda 3 for doing well in school. Recently we became engaged and then shortly found out after our engagement that she was pregnant(WOOT!!). Anyways, so a couple months go by and her father decides he is taking the car away because he thinks we are two young( I am 23) to have children and get married and basically tells us that this child will ruin our lives and he will not support it.

So, fast forward to today, the car is gone. I don't agree with the fact that he bought her a brand new car in the first place but no point in arguing that. I REALLY don't agree with the fact that we get a 4 day notice that he is going to take the car away because now we are left with one car and scrambling to find a decent used car for only a few thousand dollars. Basically, the guy is a POS and needs to be burned at the stake. I know sometimes your kids can do things you do not agree with but taking a car away for it? That's not right.

I need also to mention that he does NOT want to be the grandfather for this child we are bringing into this world. I let him know that if he took the car away then he was also revoking his right as a grandparent, he basically laughed at me and said he didn't care. I am just appauled that a 50 year old adult would act this way towards his daughter.

P.S. - This guy used to beat her when she was younger and is remarried with two more children who are both 4(twins). Also, he has disowned his outher daughter who is now 19 because he also does not agree with some things she has done. Nothing serious by any means though.

Thoughts?!


Cliffs for the lazy:

1. Fiance and me get engaged
2. Find out she is pregnant (YEAH!!)
3. Fiance's father takes car because of her being pregnant
4. Father says he does not want to be grandfather
5. Bad father all around used ot be beat her
6. Now left with trying to find a decent used car for her to drive

UPDATE 1:

Ok, so we ended buying her a 93 Jeep Grand Cherokee for cash in pretty good condition. Made a couple minor repairs and now she actually owns a car. Last week, she calls her dad to discuss a life insurance policy because I have recently uped mine and were looking at getting her some as well in case something happens after the baby is born. Well, during that call he starts saying he wants to be a part of her life again and that everyone is telling him to stop being such an a$$. So, the first thing he wants to do is meet with me tonight over dinner. My fiance believes that since I never had the change to ask him for her hand in marraige that this is the time plus she wants me to smooth other things over. What would you do?! Thanks for all the input as well.

r u nuts?

he's never going to change.

if u let him into your life, he'll just poison your marriage

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: dabuddha
Be the bigger man and go to the dinner. But don't apologize for anything.

Agreed. Your fiance wants him in her life, so you're going to have to deal with him. This doesn't mean you have to suck up to him, but try to treat him with respect. If things go wrong, be sure it's not because you didn't try your best.

 

[Sphexi]

Be the nice guy, and do what she asks. Even if he ends up being a dick again, that's his fault, not yours.

 

[mercanucaribe]

If him taking the car is a financial problem for you, she shouldn't have gotten pregnant. In any case, based on The Simpsons, you won't regret the kid in 10 year so congrats.

I don't see what the problem is with the father wanting to be in her life again. People get mad and make mistakes.

 

[Beau]

Originally posted by: fbrdphreak
You two are morons, I'm sorry to say. Having a kid that young is a recipe for disaster. If you're very well off financially there will be less stress, but having a kid that young will be disasterous in the first place. The father is right and while that decision may not have been the best, you shouldn't be having this kid. You will regret it.

Where the hell do you get off judging that? Do you know them? Do you know their full living situation?

OP, don't listen to this moron.

 

[imported_griffis]

Originally posted by: mercanucaribe
If him taking the car is a financial problem for you, she shouldn't have gotten pregnant. In any case, based on The Simpsons, you won't regret the kid in 10 year so congrats.

I don't see what the problem is with the father wanting to be in her life again. People get mad and make mistakes.

Financial problem, no, inconvenince yes. I just wish he would have given some time or heads up. Financially, it was a tiny pain but nothing major by no means.