Here is what I think: No one here knows about this because no here can think of a possible use for it. You are unique. That's the reason for the type of response you are getting, only a couple of which are actually hostile. If there were something actually functional about your request, maybe people could think of a way to accomplish it.
>.... I know there's a hack for this.
It looks like you are the only one here that knows about this. Can you recall anything about where you would have encountered this info?
I can only guess that the way MS accomplishes the menu change uses some kind of style file, and if you could delete that, or redirect it in the registry, the classic menu would not be available.
BTW, as someone who has lurked at Anandtech a lot recently, I see that EeyoreX is one of the regulars most likely to help out people with difficult or even silly requests, without judgement, and no wonder he is defensive about the negative characterization of the forum. Sure, there are pranksters, and abrasive personalities, but you haven't seen it yet. Take it from me: your request seems wildly nutty, and no wonder people are taking shots at it.
>..certain things need to be branded and pinned correctly.
So you need a brand to appear on the menu, and the Classic won't do it? What does pinned mean?