The first thing you should do before going into IRC is delete the program and get rid of such a stupid idea. As you will soon see, IRC is full of people that no one wants to be around in real life, and any association with them is mental suicide. You don?t believe me? Just look at the types of people that you?ll meet:
THE INSECURE OP
On entering an IRC channel, you may notice that some people have an @symbol next to their name. This indicates that they are an operator of the channel, or op for short. An op has the power to kick, ban, change the topic, or give other people op status. He or she is there so that the channel does not devolve into the chaotic state of AOL chat and to keep a semblance of order in the channel.
Unfortunately, many IRC ops are people that are taunted, abused, and discarded in the real world. This is the type of person that sits alone in the lunch room, or never gets a date, etc. etc. They come on IRC to find someone to be accepted by, and once they get a inkling of power, they tend to lose their minds.
See, an insecure op is constantly reminded that he or she is worthless, talentless, and a waste of human flesh in the ?real world,? and come on IRC in order to escape reality. Any threat to this escape, and a hissy fit is thrown, normally resulting in a swift kick or ban for the person involved. Example:
InsecureOP: Okay here is my picture: ________
ChannelSuckup: Whoa, you?re sexy!!!
*ChannelSuckup humps InsecureOP*
ObservantPerson: Uh, why did you paste a picture of Marilyn Monroe over your face?
*InsecureOp sets mode +b ObservantPerson*
*ObservantPerson has been kicked from #suckupcentral*
ChannelSuckup: Good riddance.
Whether male or female, an insecure op is the most dangerous type of person that you will meet in IRC due to the fact that everything that you do or say must always coincide with their wishes, lest risking a ban from the channel. Actually, a ban from a channel where that type of person is an operator is a good thing, so it may be a good idea to torment these losers whenever possible and remind them that they can never escape from being the pathetic trash that they really are.
THE INSECURE FLAMER
The insecure flamer is basically an insecure op without the power. Because this person does not have the power to inflict any ?harm? upon people in the channel, he or she is forced to take out verbal aggression on the people there. Hiding behind a ?cool? nickname, the insecure flamer is normally a 12-17 year old kid that is not accepted by his or her peers at school, and is forced to take out their aggression on the Internet since taking out their aggression on the kids at school will result in a quick beat down. Insecure flamers often attack anyone that resembles the ?cool people? in their school - basically anyone on IRC with any self confidence or a life. Example:
SuccessInRealLife: Yeah, so I?m getting married to my girlfriend of 4 years next week!
InsecureFlamer: Shut up you F----- lovely human! You don?t have a girlfriend, you?re queer!
SuccessInRealLife: Uh, she?s on cam with me right now.
InsecureFlamer: She?s F----- ugly and so are you queerboy! You?re a liar, and you just pasted that picture of a Jaguar on your back window to fool us!
Insecure flamers normally attack when a person shows any negative attention to their so called ?IRC friends,? normally a bunch of losers who have grouped together in order to build each other up. Once you are attacked by one, be prepared for 5 others to jump on you like a group of malformed, rabid chinchillas.
Note: Whenever an Insecure Flamer DOES talk about themselves, it is normally to brag about how "drunk" they are or have gotten or some other imaginary experience. Avoid at all costs.
THE SEX GODDESS
To be an IRC Sex Goddess, you have to be one of four things: An ugly woman, a young teenage girl that has the sexual experience of an amoeba, a girl that gets unfulfilling sex from an oppressive, demeaning boyfriend, or a man.
Because IRC channels are typically 90% males, a woman (or someone with a female nick) will automatically get oodles of attention from anyone in an ?insecure? category. In order to get more attention than the other two women in the channel, a Sex Goddess will typically constantly talk about the art of sex, her sexual experiences (which are fantasy 99% of the time), how sexy she is, what porn she watches, and distribute ?sexy? pictures of herself. Note that these pictures will always be fake, ugly, will not show the Sex Goddess? face, or will show her face under a 5,000,000 watt flaw-hiding searchlight that she claims to be ?monitor glare.?
Here is an example of the Sex Goddess in action:
SexGoddess: Me and my boyfriend had the best sex ever last night! He humped me for 5 hours straight and I orgasmed 52 times!
SmartGuy: Were?t you on IRC all last night?
SexGoddess: I?m so good in bed that I was typing and having sex at the same time!
*ChannelOP enters #stupid*
*SexGoddess has hot passionate sex with ChannelOP*
ChannelOP: Hey baby!
*SexGoddess orgasm*
SexGoddess: So anyway, I bought a new vibrator yesterday!
Horny12YearOld: Wowie, can I see?!
SexGoddess: Sure, I?ll show it on cam after my orgy later today!
While the Sex Goddess claims to have sex every hour upon the hour, she tends to be on IRC 24 hours a day. All of her ?sexual experiences? tend to be unrealistic; sounding directly copied from what she?s observed in porn (which everyone with any sense knows is about as unrealistic and unfulfilling as you can get). You can also recognize them by their vocal support of porn, masturbation, or oral sex.
Beware; any attempts to ?dethrone? the Sex Goddess will result in attacks from her willing apostles, the people in the insecure categories. Because the Sex Goddess is an integral part of their fantasy world, any attacks on the Goddess will be met with fearsome opposition from her loser supporters (Since those are the only types that would pay her much attention). Of course, being banned from that sort of channel is NOT a bad thing , so attack away!
A graphic depiction of what two IRC people would look like "humping" each other.
THE KNOW IT ALL
Whenever a subject of conversation is brought up in IRC, the Know It All (or KIA for short) will have the BEST information on EVERY subject and must always have the last word. You could be talking about anything from NASCAR racing to sewing techniques, and the KIA will spout forth some sort of ?inside information? that they have on the subject. Now there are two types of KIAs that I will both illustrate by example.
The first type tends to have no friends in real life (due to being KIAs on every subject). They are often the fat pimply kids who are forced to sit at home watching Babylon 5 while all the cool people are out doing cool things. In order not to get depressed and commit suicide, they develop superiority complexes that are based on avoiding anything mainstream at all costs. They watch enough television and read enough issues of monthly magazines to parrot the quotes that they heard in IRC conversations. They will never agree with ANYTHING and will always offer an obscure irrelevant fact to back up their stance:
BobChat: So I went and bought Final Fantasy X yesterday...
KIA: Final Fantasy X?! Hah! That game sux! Square is crap and has been so since the days of Super Nintendo when they made great titles such as Chrono Trigger! I don?t have to play the game to already know that it is CRAP!
MrMovie: I saw A Beautiful Mind yesterday. Very good movie.
KIA: A Beautiful Mind is crap! Hollywood is a bunch of crap designed to appease the brainless citizens of the world! No one compares to Stanley Kubrick who is a true artist of film! Spielberg, the Hollywood hack, ruined A.I. by adding a sappy ending! The best movie of the year is obviously La Bjiklambur, the French Indian underground spectacular filmed with a Sony handicam in the director?s basement!
MissMusic: I bought Nickelback?s new CD...
KIA: Nickelback is crap! MTV marketed mainstream pop nonsense! Who would actually want to listen to anything that is actually produced so that it sounds good? All music is meant to be different and make a grand artistic statement on the origin of mankind even though most music doesn?t even have lyrics! Radiohead is god!
The second type of KIA exists only to argue with the first type. The differences between the two are subtle; while KIA1?s know it all persona comes from his annoyance at being ostracized by the rest of the world, the second ostracizes himself from the world in order to learn more, and actually does know what he?s talking about. KIA2 normally only speaks up when he is annoyed by KIA1, creating a completely annoying conversation that would fly over most people in the channel?s head. This normally results in a kick/ban for KIA2 since most members of the channel are social outcasts and can relate to KIA1 more.
THE SUCKUP
The Suckup?s whole purpose in an IRC channel is to help the Insecure groups on their ego trips. The Suckup is mainly noticed by agreeing with everything an OP/Sex Goddess says, writing ?lol? after every joke that an OP/Sex Goddess makes, or attacking anyone who disagrees with an Op/Sex Goddess. All of the Insecure group members share the suckup traits; however the true Suckups have no power of their own. They?re the IRC equivalent of the people that follow the popular kids around in school in order to try to look ?cool? themselves. Normally incredibly dumb and not versed on any subject, the Suckup will always mirror the OP/Sex Goddess in an argument. Example:
SexGoddess: I need at least a 32 inch penis! Anything else is far too small!
KIA2: What are you talking about? You aren?t even thirty two inches wide! Anything too far above normal isn?t even necessary and becomes uncomfortable for the man due to him having to be too gentle.
Suckup: SHUT UP KIA2! YOU DON?T KNOW WHAT YOU?RE TALKING ABOUT! U R GAY! SHE HAS SEX A LOT SO SHE NEEDS BIGGER!
SexGoddess: KIA2, you don?t have sex?! OMG you?re a virgin!
Suckup: ROTFLMAO!!!!
KIA2: Huh?
Because they add to the ego stroking to the ?leaders? of the channel, Suckups are almost never kicked or banned. Being a Suckup is perhaps the best way to survive for the longest amount of time in the more worthless IRC channels.
THE IDLER
Defying the logic that the word ?chat? is part of Internet Relay Chat, the idler will go into a channel and sit there for 24 hours without saying a word in the channel. Normal appearances would dictate that he or she is away at the moment and has just left his IRC program on. However, appearances can be deceptive...
If you get info for an idler, you will notice that his/her ?idle time? is actually only 5 seconds! Yet, he has not spoken in the channel for 5 days! What is going on here?
The idler is actually engaging in ?secret conversations.? Thinking that they are too good to speak to the rest of the channel, the idler will only privately message the people that he or she deems to be ?important.? This normally involves women with a webcam or webmasters.
Once in a while, the idler will awaken from his apparent slumber and say something completely irrelevant and useless. This is done to show how cool and witty that they view themselves. It is normally met with a high amount of ?LOL? and ?ROTFLMAO? posturing from the Suckup crew.
THE GUY WHO CAN?T FINISH HIS SENTENCES
Cursed with an extremely short attention span, the GWCFHS will often fill up a whole screen in making on statement by chopping up every sentence into five lines. Always speaking in spurts, the guy will be quiet for 4 hours only to not be able to make him shut up for another 4. Example:
GWCFHS: So then I went
GWCFHS: down to the store
GWCFHS: and thats when
GWCFHS: i saw
GWCFHS: the brother of the guy
GWCFHS: of the cousin of the guy
GWCFHS: who knew
GWCFHS: Michael Jackson?s plastic surgeon.
Normally, the statements that the GWCFHS make will have no real relevance to the conversation, nor will they say anything that you actually care about. Yet, they require you to clear the screen every time the guy speaks.
Warning: A combination of a Know it All and a Guy Who Can?t Finish His Sentences is deadly, indeed. If you see someone like this, especially if they have operator status, it is best to leave the channel immediately.
While there are many more types of IRC citizens, I think this will give you the basic gist of the system. If not, that gist is to STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM IRC! If you?re some kind of masochist and MUST go on IRC, I would tell you to go to www.mirc.com and download MIRC and that you can see me sometimes on irc.animenet.org, #db. But I?m not going to tell you that because I hate you and don?t want you to disturb me there. Goodbye.
THE INSECURE OP
On entering an IRC channel, you may notice that some people have an @symbol next to their name. This indicates that they are an operator of the channel, or op for short. An op has the power to kick, ban, change the topic, or give other people op status. He or she is there so that the channel does not devolve into the chaotic state of AOL chat and to keep a semblance of order in the channel.
Unfortunately, many IRC ops are people that are taunted, abused, and discarded in the real world. This is the type of person that sits alone in the lunch room, or never gets a date, etc. etc. They come on IRC to find someone to be accepted by, and once they get a inkling of power, they tend to lose their minds.
See, an insecure op is constantly reminded that he or she is worthless, talentless, and a waste of human flesh in the ?real world,? and come on IRC in order to escape reality. Any threat to this escape, and a hissy fit is thrown, normally resulting in a swift kick or ban for the person involved. Example:
InsecureOP: Okay here is my picture: ________
ChannelSuckup: Whoa, you?re sexy!!!
*ChannelSuckup humps InsecureOP*
ObservantPerson: Uh, why did you paste a picture of Marilyn Monroe over your face?
*InsecureOp sets mode +b ObservantPerson*
*ObservantPerson has been kicked from #suckupcentral*
ChannelSuckup: Good riddance.
Whether male or female, an insecure op is the most dangerous type of person that you will meet in IRC due to the fact that everything that you do or say must always coincide with their wishes, lest risking a ban from the channel. Actually, a ban from a channel where that type of person is an operator is a good thing, so it may be a good idea to torment these losers whenever possible and remind them that they can never escape from being the pathetic trash that they really are.
THE INSECURE FLAMER
The insecure flamer is basically an insecure op without the power. Because this person does not have the power to inflict any ?harm? upon people in the channel, he or she is forced to take out verbal aggression on the people there. Hiding behind a ?cool? nickname, the insecure flamer is normally a 12-17 year old kid that is not accepted by his or her peers at school, and is forced to take out their aggression on the Internet since taking out their aggression on the kids at school will result in a quick beat down. Insecure flamers often attack anyone that resembles the ?cool people? in their school - basically anyone on IRC with any self confidence or a life. Example:
SuccessInRealLife: Yeah, so I?m getting married to my girlfriend of 4 years next week!
InsecureFlamer: Shut up you F----- lovely human! You don?t have a girlfriend, you?re queer!
SuccessInRealLife: Uh, she?s on cam with me right now.
InsecureFlamer: She?s F----- ugly and so are you queerboy! You?re a liar, and you just pasted that picture of a Jaguar on your back window to fool us!
Insecure flamers normally attack when a person shows any negative attention to their so called ?IRC friends,? normally a bunch of losers who have grouped together in order to build each other up. Once you are attacked by one, be prepared for 5 others to jump on you like a group of malformed, rabid chinchillas.
Note: Whenever an Insecure Flamer DOES talk about themselves, it is normally to brag about how "drunk" they are or have gotten or some other imaginary experience. Avoid at all costs.
THE SEX GODDESS
To be an IRC Sex Goddess, you have to be one of four things: An ugly woman, a young teenage girl that has the sexual experience of an amoeba, a girl that gets unfulfilling sex from an oppressive, demeaning boyfriend, or a man.
Because IRC channels are typically 90% males, a woman (or someone with a female nick) will automatically get oodles of attention from anyone in an ?insecure? category. In order to get more attention than the other two women in the channel, a Sex Goddess will typically constantly talk about the art of sex, her sexual experiences (which are fantasy 99% of the time), how sexy she is, what porn she watches, and distribute ?sexy? pictures of herself. Note that these pictures will always be fake, ugly, will not show the Sex Goddess? face, or will show her face under a 5,000,000 watt flaw-hiding searchlight that she claims to be ?monitor glare.?
Here is an example of the Sex Goddess in action:
SexGoddess: Me and my boyfriend had the best sex ever last night! He humped me for 5 hours straight and I orgasmed 52 times!
SmartGuy: Were?t you on IRC all last night?
SexGoddess: I?m so good in bed that I was typing and having sex at the same time!
*ChannelOP enters #stupid*
*SexGoddess has hot passionate sex with ChannelOP*
ChannelOP: Hey baby!
*SexGoddess orgasm*
SexGoddess: So anyway, I bought a new vibrator yesterday!
Horny12YearOld: Wowie, can I see?!
SexGoddess: Sure, I?ll show it on cam after my orgy later today!
While the Sex Goddess claims to have sex every hour upon the hour, she tends to be on IRC 24 hours a day. All of her ?sexual experiences? tend to be unrealistic; sounding directly copied from what she?s observed in porn (which everyone with any sense knows is about as unrealistic and unfulfilling as you can get). You can also recognize them by their vocal support of porn, masturbation, or oral sex.
Beware; any attempts to ?dethrone? the Sex Goddess will result in attacks from her willing apostles, the people in the insecure categories. Because the Sex Goddess is an integral part of their fantasy world, any attacks on the Goddess will be met with fearsome opposition from her loser supporters (Since those are the only types that would pay her much attention). Of course, being banned from that sort of channel is NOT a bad thing , so attack away!
A graphic depiction of what two IRC people would look like "humping" each other.
THE KNOW IT ALL
Whenever a subject of conversation is brought up in IRC, the Know It All (or KIA for short) will have the BEST information on EVERY subject and must always have the last word. You could be talking about anything from NASCAR racing to sewing techniques, and the KIA will spout forth some sort of ?inside information? that they have on the subject. Now there are two types of KIAs that I will both illustrate by example.
The first type tends to have no friends in real life (due to being KIAs on every subject). They are often the fat pimply kids who are forced to sit at home watching Babylon 5 while all the cool people are out doing cool things. In order not to get depressed and commit suicide, they develop superiority complexes that are based on avoiding anything mainstream at all costs. They watch enough television and read enough issues of monthly magazines to parrot the quotes that they heard in IRC conversations. They will never agree with ANYTHING and will always offer an obscure irrelevant fact to back up their stance:
BobChat: So I went and bought Final Fantasy X yesterday...
KIA: Final Fantasy X?! Hah! That game sux! Square is crap and has been so since the days of Super Nintendo when they made great titles such as Chrono Trigger! I don?t have to play the game to already know that it is CRAP!
MrMovie: I saw A Beautiful Mind yesterday. Very good movie.
KIA: A Beautiful Mind is crap! Hollywood is a bunch of crap designed to appease the brainless citizens of the world! No one compares to Stanley Kubrick who is a true artist of film! Spielberg, the Hollywood hack, ruined A.I. by adding a sappy ending! The best movie of the year is obviously La Bjiklambur, the French Indian underground spectacular filmed with a Sony handicam in the director?s basement!
MissMusic: I bought Nickelback?s new CD...
KIA: Nickelback is crap! MTV marketed mainstream pop nonsense! Who would actually want to listen to anything that is actually produced so that it sounds good? All music is meant to be different and make a grand artistic statement on the origin of mankind even though most music doesn?t even have lyrics! Radiohead is god!
The second type of KIA exists only to argue with the first type. The differences between the two are subtle; while KIA1?s know it all persona comes from his annoyance at being ostracized by the rest of the world, the second ostracizes himself from the world in order to learn more, and actually does know what he?s talking about. KIA2 normally only speaks up when he is annoyed by KIA1, creating a completely annoying conversation that would fly over most people in the channel?s head. This normally results in a kick/ban for KIA2 since most members of the channel are social outcasts and can relate to KIA1 more.
THE SUCKUP
The Suckup?s whole purpose in an IRC channel is to help the Insecure groups on their ego trips. The Suckup is mainly noticed by agreeing with everything an OP/Sex Goddess says, writing ?lol? after every joke that an OP/Sex Goddess makes, or attacking anyone who disagrees with an Op/Sex Goddess. All of the Insecure group members share the suckup traits; however the true Suckups have no power of their own. They?re the IRC equivalent of the people that follow the popular kids around in school in order to try to look ?cool? themselves. Normally incredibly dumb and not versed on any subject, the Suckup will always mirror the OP/Sex Goddess in an argument. Example:
SexGoddess: I need at least a 32 inch penis! Anything else is far too small!
KIA2: What are you talking about? You aren?t even thirty two inches wide! Anything too far above normal isn?t even necessary and becomes uncomfortable for the man due to him having to be too gentle.
Suckup: SHUT UP KIA2! YOU DON?T KNOW WHAT YOU?RE TALKING ABOUT! U R GAY! SHE HAS SEX A LOT SO SHE NEEDS BIGGER!
SexGoddess: KIA2, you don?t have sex?! OMG you?re a virgin!
Suckup: ROTFLMAO!!!!
KIA2: Huh?
Because they add to the ego stroking to the ?leaders? of the channel, Suckups are almost never kicked or banned. Being a Suckup is perhaps the best way to survive for the longest amount of time in the more worthless IRC channels.
THE IDLER
Defying the logic that the word ?chat? is part of Internet Relay Chat, the idler will go into a channel and sit there for 24 hours without saying a word in the channel. Normal appearances would dictate that he or she is away at the moment and has just left his IRC program on. However, appearances can be deceptive...
If you get info for an idler, you will notice that his/her ?idle time? is actually only 5 seconds! Yet, he has not spoken in the channel for 5 days! What is going on here?
The idler is actually engaging in ?secret conversations.? Thinking that they are too good to speak to the rest of the channel, the idler will only privately message the people that he or she deems to be ?important.? This normally involves women with a webcam or webmasters.
Once in a while, the idler will awaken from his apparent slumber and say something completely irrelevant and useless. This is done to show how cool and witty that they view themselves. It is normally met with a high amount of ?LOL? and ?ROTFLMAO? posturing from the Suckup crew.
THE GUY WHO CAN?T FINISH HIS SENTENCES
Cursed with an extremely short attention span, the GWCFHS will often fill up a whole screen in making on statement by chopping up every sentence into five lines. Always speaking in spurts, the guy will be quiet for 4 hours only to not be able to make him shut up for another 4. Example:
GWCFHS: So then I went
GWCFHS: down to the store
GWCFHS: and thats when
GWCFHS: i saw
GWCFHS: the brother of the guy
GWCFHS: of the cousin of the guy
GWCFHS: who knew
GWCFHS: Michael Jackson?s plastic surgeon.
Normally, the statements that the GWCFHS make will have no real relevance to the conversation, nor will they say anything that you actually care about. Yet, they require you to clear the screen every time the guy speaks.
Warning: A combination of a Know it All and a Guy Who Can?t Finish His Sentences is deadly, indeed. If you see someone like this, especially if they have operator status, it is best to leave the channel immediately.
While there are many more types of IRC citizens, I think this will give you the basic gist of the system. If not, that gist is to STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM IRC! If you?re some kind of masochist and MUST go on IRC, I would tell you to go to www.mirc.com and download MIRC and that you can see me sometimes on irc.animenet.org, #db. But I?m not going to tell you that because I hate you and don?t want you to disturb me there. Goodbye.