Getting Divorced - It is officially over! Done! Fini!

[Jmmsbnd007]

Who owns the house?

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: Bleep
Do I have this right? You have decided to stay in the home with her and the kids. Then you go home and argue with her over crap? A lot of self control on your part will go a long ways. You took a loan out on your 401K and never told her about it? Secrecy in a marriage will kill it every time. Mark my words she will have a court order on you in nothing flat and you will be GONE and BROKE. Protect yourself with some security cameras stashed around the house for some proof of her and your actions. She has probably done this already and by argueing you are just giving her ammunition. Bleep

She is arguing with me JUST as much as I do with her, so she has no damn say on that part. And the loan against my 401k was to help us pay some bills we needed to get out from under, not to blow on stuff. So again she has nothing to say. She cant get a court order even if she wanted to, she has no leg to stand on. She cannot kick me out or ask me to move out, I dont have to a dman thing, she can argue with my lawyer. Whenever I try and ask her to talk about the custody and what not, she always says
"i will do this to you or I will take that from you" who the hell is guilty of being an ass? I would say both of us!

 

[Pliablemoose]

The best thing to do right now is to keep your mouth shut & not argue, let the lawyers hash it out.

Fact is, every state has "Boilerplate" custody, visitation, and child support stuff that the courts & legislature have established. Take the high road and don't argue, especially in front of the kids.

You-all are looking for an edge & honestly, they just don't exist, just behave as best as you possible can, be brutally honest with your lawyer & realize that material posessions are just that & that the courts won't screw you over any more or less than the other millions of divorced parents out there.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: Pliablemoose
The best thing to do right now is to keep your mouth shut & not argue, let the lawyers hash it out. Fact is, every state has "Boilerplate" custody, visitation, and child support stuff that the courts & legislature have established. Take the high road and don't argue, especially in front of the kids. You-all are looking for an edge & honestly, they just don't exist, just behave as best as you possible can, be brutally honest with your lawyer & realize that material posessions are just that & that the courts won't screw you over any more or less than the other millions of divorced parents out there.

Right, the money and cars and what not is nothing to me, just the kids. I wont argue with her over my 401k or stuff like that, if she wants it then she can have it all, no problem there for me.
I can always make money again, fairness in having my girls is what i want.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK


Of course that's because she had to have her perfect job, and wont go work somewhere else where she could make more money! I asked my lawyer about that as well, he said we should definitely get the support written so that when she finishes her masters and they give her a pay bump
(her employer has already agreed to it) that we should review the amounts and go form there.

I defintiely agree with him!

You keep bringing this job point up...it's moot, regardless of what she could do, the only thing that matters is what she is doing now. Many wives/husbands will purposely get a job for a year or so prior to filing a divorce to lower their responsibilities.

It's going to be hard to file against her future earnings as with increased earnings most of the time comes increased liabilities, and costs (better clothes, traveling, dinners, etc).

I'd just stick with solving the problems at hand than name calling and pointing out other uncontrollable problems.

Good luck though.

Å

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: SaigonK Of course that's because she had to have her perfect job, and wont go work somewhere else where she could make more money! I asked my lawyer about that as well, he said we should definitely get the support written so that when she finishes her masters and they give her a pay bump (her employer has already agreed to it) that we should review the amounts and go form there. I defintiely agree with him!

You keep bringing this job point up...it's moot, regardless of what she could do, the only thing that matters is what she is doing now. Many wives/husbands will purposely get a job for a year or so prior to filing a divorce to lower their responsibilities. It's going to be hard to file against her future earnings as with increased earnings most of the time comes increased liabilities, and costs (better clothes, traveling, dinners, etc). I'd just stick with solving the problems at hand than name calling and pointing out other uncontrollable problems. Good luck though. Å

True, I am working on getting my kids 50% of the time. Most people are shocked at the amount of support I will have to pay, even the support I would have to pay if I do get them 50/50.
It makes no sense to me, her standard of living will go WAY up, while mine will have to come way down to allow for that.
Again, i dont want anyone to think that I do not want to pay for my kids to live, but how can they live well with both of us if I have to scrimp and scrap just to get by each day?

 

[SaigonK]

Another issue is that now that I do not have to leave the apartment, things will probably get all crazy for awhile. I can see her wanting to move out and try to take the kids with her. I have to talk to my lawyer about that to be sure that she cannot do that or if she does, what type of recourse do i have as an option.

I offered her the following:

I get 50% custody of the kids and shared residency,
She gets child support in the amount of $500 per month,
She gets half of my 401k.
She gets half of my stock options. (Though they are not even mine, they are options and dont mature for at least another year.)
We each keep our current bills.

She said no, that i can just talk to her lawyer if I want to offer something, but that we will end up going to court over this. I told her to be reasonable about it, she comes back with "well if you want to stay..if you want to do this to your kids..then thats your choice..." She keeps trying to hit me with the 'you are punishing them with your behavoir bit', but if i bring up that SHE is the one who wants this divorce, that SHE is the one who isnt willing to let it work out, that SHE is the one who can explain to them who started this whole thing..she gets pissed and doesnt want to talk anymore.

Go figure....I am going to have my lawyer draft up a proposal and send it over to her lawyer to see what happens....

 

[Danman]

I'm sorry SaigonK, this has been a hard week for you and Fritzo. I hope everything works out like you want it to, it seems like neither of you are getting a divorce for money or anything....you guys are just unhappy. Best of luck.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: cashman
I'm sorry SaigonK, this has been a hard week for you and Fritzo. I hope everything works out like you want it to, it seems like neither of you are getting a divorce for money or anything....you guys are just unhappy. Best of luck.

Thanks Cash, the kind words are appreciated! One thing I can really appreciate here is that i get more than just the sympathetic ear, i get reality checks from allot of posters.
I appreciate any and all input, and a bump up for Fritzo, hope it all works out.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Another issue is that now that I do not have to leave the apartment, things will probably get all crazy for awhile. I can see her wanting to move out and try to take the kids with her. I have to talk to my lawyer about that to be sure that she cannot do that or if she does, what type of recourse do i have as an option.

I offered her the following:

I get 50% custody of the kids and shared residency,
She gets child support in the amount of $500 per month,
She gets half of my 401k.
She gets half of my stock options. (Though they are not even mine, they are options and dont mature for at least another year.)
We each keep our current bills.

She said no, that i can just talk to her lawyer if I want to offer something, but that we will end up going to court over this. I told her to be reasonable about it, she comes back with "well if you want to stay..if you want to do this to your kids..then thats your choice..." She keeps trying to hit me with the 'you are punishing them with your behavoir bit', but if i bring up that SHE is the one who wants this divorce, that SHE is the one who isnt willing to let it work out, that SHE is the one who can explain to them who started this whole thing..she gets pissed and doesnt want to talk anymore.

Go figure....I am going to have my lawyer draft up a proposal and send it over to her lawyer to see what happens....

You need to put on the "fvck her" attitude.

Your lawyer will offer her side even less and more for you. You ask for the moon and accept a middle ground. You ask for a middle ground and you have no room for negotiating/compromise.

 

[Yossarian]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Another issue is that now that I do not have to leave the apartment, things will probably get all crazy for awhile. I can see her wanting to move out and try to take the kids with her. I have to talk to my lawyer about that to be sure that she cannot do that or if she does, what type of recourse do i have as an option.

Unless she leaves the country with the kids, I think the courts will look on that VERY unfavorably. Stay strong, think long term & put up with some crap for the time being, good luck to you.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: PipBoy

Originally posted by: SaigonK Another issue is that now that I do not have to leave the apartment, things will probably get all crazy for awhile. I can see her wanting to move out and try to take the kids with her. I have to talk to my lawyer about that to be sure that she cannot do that or if she does, what type of recourse do i have as an option.

Unless she leaves the country with the kids, I think the courts will look on that VERY unfavorably. Stay strong, think long term & put up with some crap for the time being, good luck to you.

Thanks!

 

[SaigonK]

Well, I am now feeling bad.
I had to go out of town to work, and I miss my home worse than ever....spoke to the kids once in the morning and once before they went to bed.
My soon to be Ex didnt wait to put up the Xmas tree and stuff so I could be involved!

 

[Ausm]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
From my previous <a class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://forums.anandtech.com/messageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=1192152&FTVAR_MSGDBTABLE=" target=blank><STRONG>thread</STRONG></A>, i thought it would be better for me to move into a new one so that I can vent on the "goings-on".

So I saw my lawyer yesterday (Friday) for the first time, i had spoken to the office over the phone since my soon to be ex announced her intentions.
My little siter is divorced, and with me being all confused, etc. she was kind enough to write up a list of things I should ask about.

My concerns where (are):

1. She is asking me to move out, what are my rights? Do I have to move out? How do i deal with her requests.

<STRONG>Answer: She cant make me move out, she cant change the locks or move my stuff to another house or have the police come and have me removed.
I can stay as long as I want until we come to an agreement on our issues, or until we go to court and see a judge and he/she decides for us.</STRONG>

2. Child custody questions...I want the kids 50% of the time, what about child support, etc.?
<STRONG>
Answer: I have just as much right to my girls as she does, and he said she and her lawyer were probably hoping I would just walk out and not look back and accept any
deal they offered for custody/support. My child support would be $228 per week if I do not have them 50% of the time. But If i get them 50% of the time and shared residency, then it comes down to $120 per week and then we have to take into account dayacre, my medical costs, etc.</STRONG>

3. Finances, what about our bills etc.?
<STRONG>Answer: He was glad to hear that we dont care about the money, that it isnt about who gets what bills, I told him we are pretty much content to split things down the middle and move on.

</STRONG>I have to go out of town next weekend, and I had this fear that she would try to move me out or that she would try and move out, but he said she cannot do that, and if she does then I just need to move my stuff back in, that my leaving looks favorable to her, and I should not do it, that the court will say..if you wanted thekids 50% of the time then why did you leave them with their mother and agree to a weekend or other custody schedule? Good point there, the scary part is that a judge will have to decide for us if we cannot work it out. Who knows what would happen there!

I like your Initiative...To many people let a separation drag on and on which really is unfair to the kids. I've been through two divorces if you need any moral support PM me.

Ausm

 

[bozack]

My parents just got divorced about 5 years ago and all I can say is that it was nasty, and we were both over age 18 so there were no real custody issues....they stayed together for the kids and IMHO it was a mistake, I also recently knew someone who was in the process of getting divorced, and their lawyer told them the same thing it seems that you are being told, to stay in the house and tough it out...man was that hard for him, she was a very evil and vindictive woman (Ironically she was friends with my wife and I never liked her, I never liked him either but after this ordeal I have alot more respect for him than her).....

I am curious as to the "dark secrets" she is illuding to? did one of you have an affair? is she possibly seeing somene else? if so that could greatly help your case, I know in the above mentioned couples case the woman went out and slept with her boss on numerous occasions, her boss is also married which didn't make matters any better.

good luck, I know here in Massachusetts the men are always the ones to get railed...at least from those whom I know that have been decent people and through the divorce process here they have gotten screwed by their vindictive ex wifes...

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

She kept giggling to herself, making these comments,
"its amazing how your mother said to me once..dont tell anyone your darkest secrets when you sleep with them because they will come back to haunt you later". I was like what is that supposed to mean? She was like oh..nothing, "I am just surprised at how true that staement really is". I told her to stop playing the mind games and stop being snide about something she thinks she might have the upper hand on.

You realize this 'rule' doesn't usually apply to your WIFE/HUSBAND right?

In spy class you learn sleeping with the enemy yields a ton of info, so don't use idle bed chatter to let your ONS know you cheated the IRS out of $10k last year and this whole bedroom set 'they' paid for....she'll probably be on the phone the next day to cash in on the 25% or whatever they offer to turn tax offenders in

&Aring;

 

[KarenMarie]

I think it sucks that she wants a divorce and you have to move. that is so not fair. If she wants out, let her go.

I know I will probably get flamed for saying so, but the divorce/custody/support system in this country is sooooo far slanted towards the women it is not funny. I know that in many situations, the guy is a divk head and should get fleeced for everytihng. But all too often, women get the house, the kids and most of the guys money. and when he has to fork it over, she can do whatever she likes with it, and not have to account for any of it. I have seen sooo many occasions where the guy has to move out, the wife moves the new boyfriend in the house the guy is still paying for, and he still has to give her money. And I have seen more than one woman use that money for vacations, new perfume and etc. On one occasion, the court looked not at what he was earning, but what he was capable of earning and set child support on that. So, when he had to take a second job to actually pay his own bills, she took him to court to get a chunk of that. And she earned more than him the whole time.

My dad left my mom with nothing. She was 40yrs old and everything she had fit in the trunk of beat up old car. She had to move into a rented apartment, cause dad kept remorgaging the house and after it was sold the loans took everything. She had three kids over 18yrs old's grown and gone, and two kids under 14yrs old. It was very difficult for her. I raised my daughter by myself with no alimoney, child support or aid of any kind. It was rough, but we did what he had to do, ya know. Now the pendulum has swung way over to favor the women. It is not always looked at as individual cases, but blanket.

Personally, if she wants out, let her go ... You stay and keep the house and the kids. Tell her to pack her sh*t and go, if she wants out!

And if the kids ask why you ar fighting, tell them cause you both love them so much that you both want them really badly.

 

[nan0bug]

I think the most important thing to do right now is to avoid confrontation. She is going to be like a cut on the inside of your mouth that will continue to bother you until this is over. You just need to remember that messing with that cut will only prolong the time needed for it to heal.

Every time she starts to pick a fight with you, use her tactic against her and tell her to talk to your lawyer instead. Be CIVIL. You don't have to be nice, but you don't have to be an asshole either. Try and be as nice as possible around the children and at least get her to agree to the same. Explain to her that you are NOT moving out, and if she really cares so much about the children and 'what this is doing to them' then she will understandably want to at least be nice to each other around them.

I am wondering why she wants you out so badly -- to me this sounds like she could be involved with someone else. Looking into a private eye to find out could help you in the end, not so much with dividing your assets (since you said you really don't care about them) but more with the 'child support' (The courts will find it just as foolish that you help pay for her to have her new boyfrined move in as you or I would).

I can't reiterate enough that right now you need to just avoid confrontation. If you have a room to yourself, an office or something like that, get some sort of lock on it and just go into the room and lock it if you have to. Make her look like the antagonist, and DOCUMENT every time she tries to pick a fight with you. Even if the kids aren't around, it causes unnecessary tension at home which will become apparent to them.

Oh, and don't fool yourself. Women know they have the upper hand in divorce. She also probbably thinks that because SHE initiated the divorce, you will just be resigned to your fate and not put up a fight. DON'T GIVE UP AN INCH. Whatever you had is over now, and there's no use in pretending otherwise. You've got to do everything in your power to look out for you and your children's best interests. Get a tape recorder, and record when she starts talking about 'the children' and 'money'. Record it when she starts threatening you with 'don't tell people your secrets' crap. Record and document everything, and have your lawyer hold on to it since she will probbably destroy it if she comes across it in your home.

Good luck with everything. I really wish you the best and hope you can keep a level head through these next couple of months.

 

[Gravity]

the scary part is that a judge will have to decide for us if we cannot work it out. Who knows what would happen there!

I had a friend that had it all "worked out" when and his ex got to the judge. The judge asked if there were minor children involved, there were. Then the judge trippled the "agreed" upon support and also ruled that alimony would be paid for 10 years.

Yea, work it out. If your judge is having a bad day you are gonna get fvcked like you always dreamt about, in public!

 

[axelfox]

Are you a community property state? Cuz then all things earned during marriage gets split. (I think)

 

[SaigonK]

We are a community property state, so things do get split out. Like i said before, even my lawyer said it is best for us to try and work it out togethor. But now that she coped an attitude, it doesnt seem like that will be an option.

Many people have told me to document everything she says and when she says it, a friend of mine at work is getting a divorce and he constantly reaffirms this. He is almost finally divorced after 2 years and he said that he cant say it enough to document this type of thing.

I really dont know if she has someone else, it does seem strange that we stopped having sex after we came back from our 10th anniversary trip / wedding vow renewal.
I dont know anyone she works with, so that is probably where she met someone if there is a nother person involved here. I am wary of getting a private eye. What is the point? It doesnt make sense to me, I dont think the court will really care about it to be honest.

She ran into one of my best friends wife on Saturday. Told her we were getting divorced and that it was mutual, that we both wanted this. I was shocked when i heard that, and promptly set the story straight. That it was NOT mutual, that it was NOT agreed upon. That we did not both want this to happen, that i wanted it all to wkr out, to go to counseling, to do whatever it takes to make it work. His wife and him said they figured as much, but that she was trying to save face in front of everyone...I have to agree....maybe she is doing that because she does have someone and that if we do get it over with, then she can say "well I know I had a boyfriend on the side before we were actually split up, but we both knew e wanted out so it doesnt matter"

Like hell it doesnt matter...

 

[teddymines]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
Wow, that sucks...but it isnt what I am looking for. I want them 50% of the time, and I want ot make sure they have a good life in BOTH homes.
We argued today about stuff..I should have kept quiet and not said a damn word but I felt like I was being tormented and decided to push back...hindsight is always 20/20.

She kept giggling to herself, making these comments,
"its amazing how your mother said to me once..dont tell anyone your darkest secrets when you sleep with them because they will come back to haunt you later". I was like what is that supposed to mean? She was like oh..nothing, "I am just surprised at how true that staement really is". I told her to stop playing the mind games and stop being snide about something she thinks she might have the upper hand on.

That is when I told her we needed to talk about me oving out and told her that I didnt have to go anywhere, and that i could stay until the divorce was final.
She said "thats not in the best interest of the kids..us living togethor but not talking or arguing at times." I agrred, but i told her if she agreed to my requests then I would move out but not a day sooner or later, she then said "its about the money for you! Thats what really matters to you is the money!" I told her look whos talking, she is all hell bent on the child support issue.

She then came up with a bunch of crap about my 401k and my retirement, and how she had my records of it and that she knew about me taking a loan against it.
I told her SO WHAT, it doesnt mean crap in court, who cares. She said she wouldnt take half of my stock and my 401k if I agreed to her terms, I told her I wanted half of hers...she said "i only have $450 in there so if you want half take it!" then I said I wouldnt agree and we started fighting about the kids and what not again.

It is going to be VERY rough living here with her now that she knows I dont have to leave, i do need to get with my Lawyer on what to do if she decides to try and move out to somewhere else though, he was never clear on that one.

First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about your divorce. We get into these things with the best intentions and when they fail, it hurts.

If you don't mind me asking, were there any warning signs leading up to this? It sounds like she has a lot of rage, and was looking for an excuse to unload on you. Your responses seems defensive, which would indicate you were caught off guard.

 

[LordMagnusKain]

what selfish people would do that to their kids... man.

call your woman out on being a selfish whore for destroying the young lives and any future visions of commitment that your children will have.

she is hurting your kids in a way her selfish pea-brain doesn't comprehend. *unless you beat her, or screw around; then you shouldn't be allowed to see the kids at all*

 

[EagleKeeper]

Originally posted by: LordMagnusKain
what selfish people would do that to their kids... man.

Too many spouses are interested in shafting/payback to the other to be concerned with the impact on the kids.

A civil divorce would be easier/smoother on the children, but then there is no revenge factor (encourage by family/friends and lawyer snakes) against the other party.

 

[LordMagnusKain]

Originally posted by: EagleKeeper

Originally posted by: LordMagnusKain
what selfish people would do that to their kids... man.

Too many spouses are interested in shafting/payback to the other to be concerned with the impact on the kids.

A civil divorce would be easier/smoother on the children, but then there is no revenge factor (encourage by family/friends and lawyer snakes) against the other party.

good information about how detrimental to the kids this is should be found and given to her, if she has any regard beyond herself she'll see she needs to forget her worthless BS and stick with it for another few years.