Good Onion articles - post your favorites

[GagHalfrunt]

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

 

[Albatross]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo

 

[OCGuy]

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

Turned into one of my favorite ATOT threads:

http://forums.anandtech.com/showthread.php?t=222568

 

[Gigantopithecus]

Archaeological dig uncovers ancient race of skeleton people.

An artist's rendering of what a warrior-skeleton may have looked like:

 

[Perknose]

Their TV show, the Onion News Network, was really well done. Reading The Onion is like eating fast food, do it too often and you'll quickly get sick of it, but sample it occassionally, and it can really hit the spot.

 

[NetGuySC]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/clinton-deploys-very-special-forces-to-iraq,645/

 

[sjwaste]

My absolute favorite Onion article ever:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/german-luftwaffle-chain-offers-waffles-overwhelmin,5000/

 

[vjyper]

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades,11056/

That one is my favorite.

 

[iCyborg]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/astronomers-admit-they-made-neptune-up,3454/

LONDON–An elaborate, 155-year-old hoax was revealed Monday, when the Royal Astronomical Society confessed that the planet Neptune does not exist. "It appears to have begun in 1846, when Johann Galle needed a big discovery to give his career a jump-start, so he fabricated this new planet," said Royal Astronomical Society president N.O. Weiss. "Ever since, every astronomer who's wanted some attention has come up with some new report on 'Neptune' and made up some rubbish to support it. I swear, we meant to come clean eventually, but the whole thing just kind of snowballed."

 

[Ichinisan]

http://www.theonion.com/video/dna-evidence-frees-black-man-convicted-of-bear-att,14323/

 

[PottedMeat]

Herbert Kornfeld - Accounts Receivable

Keep your fucking shit off my desk

West wing tech support crew be a bunch of whack bitches

I gots to represent at tha muthafuckin company picnic

... so many more

 

[zinfamous]

My favorite Onion headline:

"Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game"

 

[zinfamous]

This is one of my all time favorites
National Science Foundation: Science Hard



http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-science-foundation-science-hard,1405/

 

[DrPizza]

Here's a good one

She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

http://www.theonion.com/articles/shes-probably-sleeping-with-him-right-now-local-ma,1576/


This one is great too

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades,11056/

I loved that one. Last paragraph was great, and... it came true.

 

[Bryophyte]

I've been looking for the Onion's bit on Hellman's Mayo for years. Anybody have a link?

Nevermind. They have a better search tool (or more of their old stuff archived?) than the last time I looked.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-highviscosity-mayonnaise-to-aid-in-american-sw,480/

 

[JMapleton]

Their current homepage article is pretty good, ahaha.

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/cleveland-pathetically-celebrates-greatest-sports,20819/

 

[SoulAssassin]

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

September 26, 2001

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/

 

[Sable]

This one is great too

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades,11056/

My favourite. Fucking lols.

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

September 26, 2001

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/

"which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant"

hahahaha! Not read this one before.

 

[TurtleCrusher]

theonion.com/articles/budget-mixup-provides-nations-schools-with-enough,20350/

My favorite as it makes too much sense. It really seems as if it was real.