Grammar nazis, what's wrong with this paragraph?

[her209]

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/w...tity-after-teen-sneaks-back-home-9673392.html

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder, then crashed his car on the way to the hospital, after the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

 

[02ranger]

Everything? lol

 

[KLin]

run on sentence

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder then, crashed his car on the way to the hospital after, the teenager crawled back home following a night out.
This is poorly constructed but, I think the commas are now in the right place.

 

[stormkroe]

Comma between daughter and mistakenly, remove the one after hospital. Could stand to be re-worded though.

 

[JDawg1536]

run on sentence

run-on sentence

 

[mikeymikec]

Life needs more multi-way domestic shoot-outs. Father shoots daughter because he believes her to be an intruder, and daughter shoots father because father is shooting at daughter. Police shoot dog because it was barking angrily.

 

[phucheneh]

Comma between daughter and mistakenly, remove the one after hospital. Could stand to be re-worded though.

This is 100% correct. The comma change makes it technically competent, but as far as comprehension is concerned, that sentence is an abortion.

 

[olds]

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder after the teenager crawled back home following a night out. He then crashed his car on the way to the hospital.

 

[GagHalfrunt]

Everything? lol

The spelling looks good and the capitalization is correct.


Everything else is wrong though.

 

[waffleironhead]

Needs a bit of changing to make more sense as far as the timing of the events.

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter after the teenager crawled back home following a night out; he mistakenly believed her to be an intruder. Then he crashed his car on the way to the hospital.

 

[SSSnail]

You didn't capitalize Nazis.

 

[Schfifty Five]

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder then, crashed his car on the way to the hospital after, the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

This is poorly constructed but, I think the commas are now in the right place.

lol, i think you made it worse.

 

[Schfifty Five]

Comma between daughter and mistakenly, remove the one after hospital. Could stand to be re-worded though.

This makes it a lot better.

The article should have broken it out into two sentences. Just too much stuff going on in it.

 

[Sable]

It was written in 'reporter speak'.

 

[solsa]

it needs a comma somewhere. We can't be clear whether "mistakenly" refers to "shot" or "believing".... That would not change the meaning a lot but it needs to be clear...

 

[Pr0d1gy]

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder after the teenager crawled back home following a night out. He then crashed his car on the way to the hospital.

This, above, is the ideal format to use.


A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter, mistakenly believing her to be an intruder, after the teenager crawled back home following a night out. He then proceeded to crash his car on the way to the hospital while attempting to get her emergency care.

This is also an acceptable format. The writing I see these days in articles is pathetic.

 

[BeeBoop]

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter mistakenly believing her to be an intruder then, crashed his car on the way to the hospital after, the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

This is poorly constructed but, I think the commas are now in the right place.

Disagree. My changes are below. Any English majors want to chime in?

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter, mistakenly believing her to be an intruder, then crashed his car on the way to the hospital; the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

Edit:
Edit for comma before mistake. Sounds better like some of you said.

 

[alkemyst]

Wow, stuff to do on a Saturday?

 

[dn7309]

Run on and comma splices

and WTF "As he approached the interior of the garage he heard bangs and sounds coming from within, so grabbed a gun."

 

[Jaepheth]

The sentence runs on.
:sneaky:

 

[dank69]

A police officer crashed his car on the way to the hospital after he shot his 16-year-old daughter, after mistakenly believing her to be an intruder, after the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

If it must remain a single statement.

 

[Schfifty Five]

Disagree. My changes are below. Any English majors want to chime in?

A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter, mistakenly believing her to be an intruder, then crashed his car on the way to the hospital; the teenager crawled back home following a night out.

Edit:
Edit for comma before mistake. Sounds better like some of you said.

The last sentence of your post is wrong. "The teenager crawled back home following a night out" is part of the "mistakenly believing her to be an intruder".

It's not your fault though. The problem is the original article title had too many things to include, so it makes it all confusing.

They should rearrange the the sentences:

"A police officer shot his 16-year-old daughter, mistakenly believing her to be an intruder after the teenager crawled back home following a night out, then crashed his car on the way to the hospital."

Probably still not 100% correct, but sounds better imo.

 

[olds]

What do you want to bet she didn't crawl home?

 

[Bulk Beef]

You tards don't know what a run-on sentence is it's easy enough to google that shit.