Gran can't take care of house, won't leave

[mmntech]

Spent the better half of my weekend cleaning out my grandma's (mom's mom) back garden yesterday. Used to be beautiful and well kept but it has become a jungle. Beds had be taken over by deadly nightshade and some other unidentified weeds. We filled four yard waste bags with weeds alone. Still not done but at least done enough for now.

We're in a bit of a conundrum over what to do with her house. She's turning 89 next month. Still mentally all there and still mobile. However, the house is starting to be way too much for her. It's a semi about the size of your typical town house. Back split so it has a lot of stairs. Built in the 1960 so it's getting old, and has a fairly large garden.

The house needs a lot of work. Kitchen and basement need to be renovated. The roof was leaking, again. Now she's got mice in the basement. She's starting to struggle with basic upkeep such as cleaning. It's obvious she's worried about it. She's not eating peoperly.

It's starting to become a major issue for us. That generation thinks you should be there every day to care for them, but that's just not possible. She lives out the other end of the city so it's a hike through heavy traffic getting there. I work and my mom is too busy taking care of my parents house. It's gotten to the point where we can't supplement anymore because there's just too much that needs to be done.

My dad thinks she should move into a seniors apartment like his mom did. However, my grandma has flat out refused to leave her house. We finally did get here to get someone in to cut the grass, but they don't weed or anything. If she could just get someone in to prepare meals and clean she'd be fine. But... She doesn't like strangers around the house. She was complaining this weekend about the grass guy coming too early. It's not a money thing, she can pay for help. She just doesn't want it. Besides, even if we did get her to move, there are no senior places available.

Another thing that bothers me is that she lives alone. She has a neighbour that keeps an eye on her. She can still move around but she has fallen a couple of times. Me fear is if she falls and nobody is there. We and the neigbours can't watch her 24/7.

Anybody else in this situation? Please share your stories. I'm at a loss.

Cliffs
-gran is 89, lives alone, can no longer the care of house
-is worrying herself sick because of it
-refuses to move, refuses to get people in to help her
-we can no longer help her and take care of ourselves at the same time, job is just become too out of hand.
-

 

[olds]

Is she willing to sell and move into a smaller place?

 

[LumbergTech]

If she really is mentally sound, I wouldn't put her in some weird place. I'm open to opinions about the subject, but I worked in a retirement home and when the sane guys get mixed up with the insane they get depressed by it. I remember one guy I knew named Bill who got really really depressed. He had health problem, but he was mentally still there. What he ended up doing was moving to a small apartment and having someone visit to assist him on a fairly regular basis (but not live in).

 

[mmntech]

Is she willing to sell and move into a smaller place?

That's the problem. She won't. She's made it quite clear she will not live in an apartment. We've tossed the idea of having her move in with my parents. My parents aren't getting any younger though.

 

[the DRIZZLE]

Assuming money is not an issue, it will probably be easier to convince her to allow people in to help then to get her to move.

 

[AreaCode707]

Assuming money is not an issue, it will probably be easier to convince her to allow people in to help then to get her to move.

*then = than, and I agree

Would she possibly be open to helping someone that needs a place to live given the hard economic times? There are lots of good people who could use a low-rent + handyman/caretaker kind of situation, especially if she's open to having kids in the house. It's harder for a family to find that type of living arrangement but the likelihood of finding good people and a semi-permanent solution would be higher if she's willing to take in a family with kids.

It could be positioned as win-win for her, with special emphasis on the fact that she's essentially doing a favor for a family in need.

 

[MotionMan]

Even though she is an adult and is all there mentally, at some point, because of her physical and age-related mental limitations, the children and grandchildren have to take the role of the grownup/parent.

You have to give her options, but make it clear that these are the only options available:

1. Move into an more appropriate living condition (old-age home, your parents' home or a smaller, newer house (which probably requires (2) anyway), etc.); or
2. Have someone come in a clean and cook for her and hire a gardener who will take care of the entire property (and the ridiculous complaints must stop).

Either way, you should sign her up for a 24 hour monitoring system with an emergency button (Think "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"). We just got this for my 82 year old uncle (Bay Alarm Medical). He hates it, but I made it clear he, basically, had no choice.

Take control and make the right choices, just like you would with your kids.

MotionMan

 

[Lounatik]

My FIL is going through this right now. His parents are 93 and 90. He had them in his home for a year and they balked and moved back home. Now they realize that they can't do it alone and are moving back with FIL. Its not something you'd want to do, but you are going to have to let her make the decision on her own, unless she becomes incapable. Wifes gran had to fall and hurt her wrist before she decided enough was enough. It sucks, but that's about all you can do if shes adamant about staying.

Edit: I read MM's post above mine and I think he is correct. I was thinking along those lines, but I remember what my FIL went through with his parents. Not fun battling it out with the old folks for sure.i


Peace

Lounatik

 

[Childs]

I dont envy your situation at all. Would it be out of the question to have her move in with family, like yourself or your mom? Thats what I would lean towards. It would be nice to be around family the last few years of your life.

 

[Imp]

I'm on the "go against her wishes" boat. Whether that be to move her closer to mom and dad's, move her to a retirement/nursing home is up to you.

We went through this with a grandparent (I did shit, mom had to deal with 99% of it). She was a hoarder with an apartment, had developed dementia and alzheimers on top of existing batshit craziness (OCD and paranoia when younger). Luckily, she lived a block away, but mom still had to go there daily to feed her 3 meals, clean stuff, etc. It drained the life out of her because she kept trying to respect the grandparent's wishes - not wanting to move.

She also didn't want to put my grandparent in a home because she would be a total shit disturber. At some point mom got tired of it all, factored in the batshit crazy, and just had a doctor declare her "unfit" to live on her own (major fall/injury happened), then put her in a home. She's now mentally and physically abusive to other residents...

OP's situation doesn't sound like it includes such batshit crazy, but if respecting her wishes puts you out that much, then it doesn't sound like she's respecting any of you. So, factor that into any decision you make.

 

[dud]

OP. I've been where you find yourself. My mother died age 66 in 1999 leaving me with an ailing father who died ended up dying in 2003. I do not know your grandmother but I know a lot about the generation. They are a proud, hardy bunch who put us to shame. My guess is your GM is so proud and independent that she does not want to be "taken care of" and wants to be independent. Ask yourself this: You've lived almost a CENTURY and you haven't depended on anyone ... do you want to start now?

Your family has a number of options, some are painful while some require some work. First, you and your family should be commended for the love/respect you have for those who came before you. I know I respect it. Based upon the limited info you have provided please consider the following:

1) Get Power of Attorney (may require the court's intervention) and put your GM into a safer place ... that she may not be happy in. This is the "painful" option and I do not recommend it.

2) Respect your GM ... let her live and die in her house. This option requires that you and your family support her in her wish to live out the remainder of her life in her home. This will require you (and the rest of the family) to help her take care of the house and the yard and to possibly be yelled at and bossed around by your GM. This is what I did for my father and I do not regret it one bit. He considered an assisted living facility but decided to stay in his home once I offered to take care of it for him. I sold his house in 2004 after he died (painfully).


OP, I highly recommend option #2. Spend as much time as you can with your GM before she leaves you. I visited one of my GM's on Father's day ... at the cemetery. PM me if you wish to discuss.

Good luck making a difficulty into a blessing.

 

[nanette1985]

Assuming money is not an issue, it will probably be easier to convince her to allow people in to help then to get her to move.

Not necessarily. Hiring help can be a challenge.

Having been through this with many elderly relatives, It often takes more time to supervise the help than it does to do the help yourself.

Is she religious? Churches often have good suggestions for this kind of situation.

Best to your gran. Take care.

 

[RbSX]

OP. I've been where you find yourself. My mother died age 66 in 1999 leaving me with an ailing father who died ended up dying in 2003. I do not know your grandmother but I know a lot about the generation. They are a proud, hardy bunch who put us to shame. My guess is your GM is so proud and independent that she does not want to be "taken care of" and wants to be independent. Ask yourself this: You've lived almost a CENTURY and you haven't depended on anyone ... do you want to start now?

Your family has a number of options, some are painful while some require some work. First, you and your family should be commended for the love/respect you have for those who came before you. I know I respect it. Based upon the limited info you have provided please consider the following:

1) Get Power of Attorney (may require the court's intervention) and put your GM into a safer place ... that she may not be happy in. This is the "painful" option and I do not recommend it.

2) Respect your GM ... let her live and die in her house. This option requires that you and your family support her in her wish to live out the remainder of her life in her home. This will require you (and the rest of the family) to help her take care of the house and the yard and to possibly be yelled at and bossed around by your GM. This is what I did for my father and I do not regret it one bit. He considered an assisted living facility but decided to stay in his home once I offered to take care of it for him. I sold his house in 2004 after he died (painfully).


OP, I highly recommend option #2. Spend as much time as you can with your GM before she leaves you. I visited one of my GM's on Father's day ... at the cemetery. PM me if you wish to discuss.

Good luck making a difficulty into a blessing.

She can't have both if she isn't able. If she lives at home she needs assistance (which the OP's grandmother refuses).

 

[mmntech]

I found this company that hires younger seniors to help older seniors. They seem reputable. I think that might work for her. It's not too expensive either. She's not at the point where she needs constant care, just help with tidying up. Building maintenance I can do. I told my mom that she and her sister need to lay down the law and make it clear that she's running out of options.

I would like to spend more time but I work six days a week most weeks. I work M-F and do volunteer work on Saturday for the cable access station. My mom tries to go by herself but she's a nervous driver and won't go places that are too busy. My mom's sister comes about once a month. She lives out near Ottawa though so it's quite a trek.

 

[tw1164]

Can you move in w/ her? I know it's not's ideal, but it maybe the best thing for her.

 

[RaistlinZ]

Can you move in w/ her? I know it's not's ideal, but it maybe the best thing for her.

That sounds just awful. He has a right to live his life too, and not spend every waking moment when he's not at work tending to her 24/7.

OP, your Gram is giving herself limited options. Her situation is taking a toll on her health, but she refuses to move. She needs help maintaining the house, but refuses to hire help.

You should tell her, "Gram, we can do a, b, or c for you. Which one of the three would you like us to do?"

 

[surfsatwerk]

Buy her a cat. A grandma eating cat.

 

[Fayd]

my grandmother is 90something.

lives by herself in another city, about 2 hours away.

what we did to allow her to live by herself is get an automatic pill dispenser, that needs refills once a month. it screams at her to take her medicine, and if she fails, locks it away for the caretaker to count how many doses she missed.

also got her a necklace (has an accelerometer inside) that alerts the fire department if she falls (and fails to move for a minute.) she lives about 2 blocks from the closest fire house, so...

and a caretaker that comes 6 days a week for about 5 hours a day. cooks, light cleaning, drives to dr's appointments, etc.

edit: for what it's worth, my grandmother has alzheimers and moderate dementia. she would not do well in a senior center, will only accept living in her own house, and seems to look forward to death. :/

also one thing you might think about is setting up a trust for her money, so that the amount she can be scammed for if it should happen is limited. the way it works for us is my grandmother has a large checking account that she does not control, along with several other CD's and whatnot that she does not control. she has access to a small checking account containing $1000, from which she pays for whatever she needs. then that is refilled weekly. large expenses are coordinated with the trustees, (my parent and their sibling) and all bills and other recurring expenses are sent to one of the children's houses for payment.

 

[Doppel]

So lovely old gran is too prideful to downsize and get closer to help and yet happily welcomes her family regularly taking large chunks of time out of their schedule to cater to needs that should be satisfied by others or even better just be removed (e.g. apartment living)? Thanks, Gran!

 

[rh71]

people around the house... like landscapers who stay outside only do their work after 9am here.. and no later than 5pm... I don't see why she would be opposed to that. If anything, put in a special request to come mid-day. They will weed for extra costs.

 

[yh125d]

I plan to kill myself before I get to the point where I need help on that level. I don't want anyone to be that much of a burden on me and I'm sure as hell not going to put that burden on someone else.

I'd prefer of course to go peacefully while I can still care for myself

 

[SirStev0]

you're in a very tough spot. That generation has zero desire to listen to reason and are stubborn as hell. Very rarely will they do what is good for them.

 

[Lounatik]

I like the grandma eating cat option. OP, not being familiar with Canadian law, do you have a power of attorney option available to you? It's really something to consider in the event of something going awry. Plus it enables your family to immediately take control of any situations that may occur.


Peace


Lounatik

 

[Red Squirrel]

That's a tough situation. I can imagine how it is for a senior who has lived there for a long time. It's hard to let go. Does she have any kind of income that would allow her to get a maid/helper to at least help with the basic stuff?

And yes power of attorney is a good idea. Make sure it's someone that grandma get's along with and is ok with.

I can't help but think of my poor great grandma when she broke her hip. She ended up in the hospital obviously and was there for a while. The family was quick at making the arrangements to move her out of her apartment. She never even got to go back after the incident. But at same time, after that incident everyone kinda realized she was at that point. She was lucky it happened where someone could help her. She's in an old age home now and she's ok with it, but it took a lot out of her to go through the process. She's 93ish now and still kicking. Going to the Bingo once a week or what not, to the mall almost every day. She loves to go out.

 

[Baked]

Your grandma's turning into somebody I know... Only asks for help when there's absolutely no option, doesn't like people helping her, thinks she can do everything on her own. I've stop caring, none of my business anymore. If you want help, I'll help you. But I won't initiate the help, nor will I go outta my way to offer help. Yeah I know it's family and all that, but you gotta draw a line and think about yourself too.

In your case, I would just call every couple of days and see if she's still alive.