Alright you guys asked for it. Here is a typical day for me, I wrote it for school and have yet to receive a grade on it. (I'm not crippled and I'm not contemplating suicide)
?He who heeds discipline shows the way to life,
But whoever ignores correction leads others astray.?
-Proverbs 10:18
The bible has done maybe the opposite of what it was intended to do. It was projected to rejoice in love for each other and I do the opposite thing, hate. I hate everyone without morals and who avoids discipline and obedience. My school is bursting of these heathens seeking no purity. Just today I heard that it was amazing that someone at the tender age of 18 was praying regularly and attending church habitually. I can?t help but to be infuriated by these words. Do they believe that they can ask for forgiveness at the end of their sinful lives so they can be accepted into heaven without putting up with obedience? Do they believe that the religious young man is wasting his time? I?m not doubting God?s willingness to forgive nor am I doubting his intelligence, he is great but not stupid. He knows who?s righteous and who?s a sinner. He can see the sinners seeking a false redemption to save themselves from the depths of perdition. All of their kind will perish in the flames of Hell for they deserve it after their negligence towards God and his commandments.
I see no good in anyone nor do I see knowledge of any kind. Is everyone so self-indulged in their own pathetic image and sinful ways that they care nothing of their creator or fellow man? They are righteous to no one but themselves. Lust, anger and pride are ubiquitous, and are impossible to elude. Women wearing the tightest of clothing to endorse their dominant sin, lust. Anger fills the lungs of the fruitless who blame their failings on everything and everyone but themselves. This is not what our good Lord commanded of us and it is not what I intend on following. Falling short everyday, my self-hatred accumulates and no one is to tell me that I will be forgiven for even if they did, I would not believe in such a thing. I know my right from wrong and I choose wrong all too often. I am not a wicked man by any means, if it is anyone who is harmed it is myself and myself alone. I will admit that I may never extinguish my prolonging lust as long as this society continues on its nefarious ways, I too will attend to the sin. I do not depart from this sin without a guilty conscience fortunately. I leave with an increased sorrow for myself as well as regret that I commit such hideous, sinful acts. I pray I will change with the coming of the next day.
I am not being pessimistic when I see the world of how it really is. I am reading between the lines and I cannot imagine how people can go on living casual avoiding the customary drug talk and profanity exchanged among these ?everyday? students. It is not scarce to hear someone who is thinking about getting doped up the coming Friday or petting the new female student in his or her grade. I apologize for being so vulgar but we cannot subsist in this world sane with these repulsive things occurring all around us. I reject the thesis of my generation and ones to follow that we are normal to have hell-bound hearts with our tainted, common deeds and be seen typical for the drug use and promiscuous sex. We are to be seen typical for destroying ourselves?! I call that lack of authority and a surplus of apathy. Followers of the bible and the commandments of our God are few and far apart nowadays. It?s sad and yet frustrating.
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways?
How long will mockers delight in mockery
And fools hate knowledge?
If you had responded to my rebuke,
I would have poured out my heart to you
And made my thoughts known to you.
But since you rejected me when I called
And no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand,
Since you ignored all my advice
And would not accept my rebuke,
I in turn will laugh at your disaster
I will mock when calamity overtakes you-
When calamity overtakes you like a storm,
When disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind,
When distress and trouble overwhelms you.
?Then they will call to me but I will not answer
They will look for me but will not find me.
Since they hated knowledge
And did not choose to fear the Lord,
Since they would not accept my advice
And spurned my rebuke,
They will eat the fruit of their ways
And be filled with the fruit of their schemes.?
-The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel
Fools really do despise knowledge. I was talking with a very close friend of mine, explaining what he denied, a sexual addiction. He looked at me and shook his head, as if trying to rid himself of the wisdom just accustomed to him. Although in his eyes I saw he knew I was right. He must have deserted all previous knowledge of morality in his infancy to formulate no guilt. After ten minutes of silence and listening to the TV and its reports of more murder and death, I brought up the subject again. Irritated, he picked up his books and retreated to the back of the room to shun anymore newfound guilt. I do not know what to do. I am lost in my thoughts as well as life. Egotism and self-hatred take their lashes on my back. Whether I am right or wrong I may never know. But at times I am diligent, at other times, lethargic from my thoughts and philosophies. I am either blessed or cursed in my ways. Blessed if I convert so much as one person to seek God, cursed if I encourage one single sin on an innocent being.
I have noticed how depressing my thoughts are now that they are embedded on paper. Maybe the world is as sad as it seems and I?m the only cursed teenager who is doomed to see it. These visions which will loosen my grip on sanity and adolescent happiness. These visions that will cause total self-destruction. Though cursed, I use the burden to my advantage. I inform the faithless of their unfaithfulness and give them reasons to change. I do not attempt to ever give my eyes to someone else because it is bad enough that I must see through them. It is a shame that people that differ from normal society or peers that they are cast out and considered ?freaks of nature? or ?weirdoes?.
"An eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Why are we so quick to blame others rather than ourselves? So many in haste to lay the blame on the innocent and dead. We must change our ways or we will all be cast into Hell and be tormented for all eternity. But anyways, I myself am sick and tired of talking about the sin and immortality in our culture/society. Unfortunately, my philosophies are all I can offer to you besides my pitiful life of rain and failure (I seek no sorrow from you). I will give you a typical day of the casual K******* R******.
?Days are long, but life is short.?
-Anonymous
I usually wake up to the sound of Ian Curtis of Joy Division or Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails pouring out their hearts from my Sony Dream Machine. I smack it off at an uncomfortable six o?clock AM. I rub my face of sixteen years to remind myself of reality. Switching on the light I shield my eyes to the brightness of it and proceed to my bureau and pick out a pair of socks and boxers. Pushing it shut, I proceed to my right to request a shirt and pair of pants from my never-ending closet of Nine Inch Nail shirts and other music accompanied clothing. I then progress eventually to the lavatory where I relieve my bladder and shower.
As I dry myself off and glance at the twelve numbers on the wall I realize I?ve got to snap out of my gaze or I?ll miss the cheese-wagon. Following previous intentions, I rush to the kitchen and drink a couple glasses of Colteryahn Iced Tea to sooth my arid throat. I usually converse for roughly fifteen minutes with one of my parents about my constantly absent siblings or upcoming events with the family. Then off to downstairs I go. Petting my five dogs and battling my way through them, I make my way to my desk and mist myself with Curve cologne. Now the chronometer reads approximately 6:50 so I hurry myself out the door after putting on a pair of shoes and my jacket.
On the way down to the bus I check and make sure I didn?t overlook anything at my house. I pat my breast pocket of my coat to ensure I have my key and shove my hand into my pocket to verify I have a lead pencil. Now at the bus stop I stare at the grass or the timid sky and wonder what today has in store for me. Misery is usually the first thought to cross me. I dwell on this for about five minutes when the bus finally arrives.
I aboard and find my seat at the back of the bus next to the Emergency Exit window. I sit and off we go. Bouncing up the hill I just descended; I look around at the emptiness of the bus. Now at the top of the large hill we slow to a halt and more munchkins aboard. Taking their seats, the bus driver persists on our normal route to pick up the middle and high school students.
After exiting the back roads and onto the major routes, my mind drifts as it usually does and the thoughts continue to call me. Terrible, reoccurring dreams of living miserable and forlorn haunt me to no end. The fog of depression lays thick upon me at my fragile state. The most trivial of scolds could send me into a deep depression at this sensitive time. The High School drawing near, I try to rid my mind of the phantasms and prepare myself for the cruel day that lies ahead.
Stepping off the bus onto the High School?s dull concrete, he is welcomed by a cool breeze that relaxes him and reminds him of himself and how the real him must remain at home. Who is here now is a mindless, egotistic, arrogant beast seeking no teenage years; the one that rejects adolescent life as well as the stereotype of eternal happiness and carefree living. This comer wants others to see the failure of himself, to incarnate misery and spread it to others like that of a virus. He is an original, unusual character that roams man?s entire domain. He seeks no happiness for he is a masochist.
Swiftly through the metal detectors, I am on my way up to locker 853 ignoring all kind gestures thrown at me. A ?Hi? is replied with a ?Leave me alone?, a ?What?s up Kam?? is retorted with silence. The term reminds me too much of me being a know-nothing teenager that illustrates no morals or correctness; all illustrated is apathy and lewdness. Oh how I wish I could destroy that embarrassing, humiliating stigma of inaccuracy.
Leaving the forlorn locker, I ensue my homeroom where I sit next to someone I couldn?t care less about. Watching through the sometimes-entertaining orbit news, Mr. McCarthy reminds us not to talk during the hearsay. Now on to the depressing news that talks nothing of happiness or enjoying life. Talks of more Middle East violence floods the airwaves and its banality sickens me. Following the daunting news is a maddening anecdote of the show that just pollutes the news of a scheme that teens relate to.
The bell rings and I?m off to my normal morning classes which consist of American Cultures then subsequently Math Integrated 2 and the intimidating C++. English fills me full of philosophies and lectures of what my price is and so on. Yawners are yelled upon and talkers are taunted. A very serious class. Anyways, on with the torture.
?Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.?
-Anonymous
In the hallways I see people frolicking around socializing which is the number one thing I detest. Why talk of other people? You are not they and therefore you should not have anything to do with their business. Who cares about the trip to Wal-Mart or the smoking of a joint? It?s a stupid, messed up world, if only I could change it.
Lunch comes and goes with the insignificant talk of the supernatural upon my four friends. Talk of religion and the immorality of society are usually the main topic on a given day, which is my favorite to pick apart. The easiest of all targets are people and their empty souls. They have nothing inside them; they are as vacant and worthless as myself. They do not see they are wrong and are destined for Hell. I try to help but my help is rejected. They seek no redemption whatsoever and I do not see why. Is their sin that enjoyable that they would rather be cast into Hell than to stop the most common and easy of a sin? They will regret and so will I.
?Hell is the place of those who have denied;
They find there what they planted and what dug,
A Lake of Spaces, and a Wood of Nothing.
And wander there and drift, and never cease
Wailing for substance.?
-W.B Yeats, The Hour Glass
The day comes to a cease eventually as I get off the bus and it races past me. I walk up the strenuously steep hill to my asylum. Now at home, my dogs usually greet me by jumping all over me and licking my face. Could life get any worse? Their dirty, filthy tongues not knowing (or wanting to know) where they have been. Swiping my face clear of their saliva I hurry upstairs and make my way to the lavatory again. I then change out of my school attire and put myself back on. I get used to it and head on back downstairs with the dogs. There I sit at my throne or my desk chair. I power on the computer and sit myself down for about three hours of online gaming or intense-pointless writing. This is my only leisure next to polishing my 1973 Dodge Challenger. Around 5:30 my brother arrives and asks me what?s wrong. As usual I just express my hatred for him and off he goes living his fruitless pointless life towards nothing. Love has struck the poor lambs heart and it?s only a matter of time that I get to see him fall. I?ll just love it.
Around 7 my parents arrive home with my sister that I also despise with a passion who always demands where the mail is to retrieve any packages for her. Depending on the mood my mom is in decides whether or not we will be making our own food tonight or she?ll be cooking it for us. The only two people I love in my life are my parents and it?s usually the highlight of my day to see them no matter how dull I look. Everything else is nothing and without my parents I will cease to exist.
At about 9 I lay down and put in a CD of Joy Division or Nine Inch Nails to take away the thoughts. I lose myself in their lyrics and forget about my own. After this, I usually fall asleep and the entire, glum situation repeats. Despite minor differences in the days or mood it is relatively identical to the day before it.
Full of nothing and pointlessness, I continue to pursue this endless routine of brokenness and corruptions in seek of someone or something that will cause a 180 on my life. All hope in that is usually lost at the sight of the most basic, fundamental challenge that I come across. My life sucks and that?s the bottom line. You can call me ungrateful and sinful and it just doesn?t matter anymore. You asked for a journal on my life and here it is. I?m not going to lie about my life and say it?s beloved patriot-dory because it isn?t. It?s flawed and no one has yet to stop the everlasting torment and failure that congregates around me.
Anti-depressants, psychologists, guidance, religion, nothing can stop me from my downward spiral. My life is an awful story that I am forced to read and only receive a chapter a day. It?s only a matter of time that my sanity will leave me and off I go to la-la land. I have nothing to hold on to except my parents and my unrealistic goals. I do not see a happy future for myself on the horizon and that is not the pity speaking, it is the actual frail K***** R******* telling the truth.
?No light, but rather darkness visible
Served only to discover sights of woe
Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace
And rest can never dwell, hope never comes
That comes to all; but torture without end?
-Paradise Lost,
John Milton
?I just want something I can never have?