Having a child

[CRXican]

I have terrible buyers remorse.

Having a kid and finding out it sucks would be the ultimate buyers remorse but this time there is no reciept.

I like kids though so it's a tough decision.

 

[Ramma2]

I've always thought if you wait until you are completely ready to have kids, you end up too old to have them.

You're almost 40 now. Think if you wait a few years longer; do you really want to be getting after a teenager when you're nearing 60? Are you going to live to see your child get married, and have kids of their own?

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Ramma2
I've always thought if you wait until you are completely ready to have kids, you end up too old to have them.

You're almost 40 now. Think if you wait a few years longer; do you really want to be getting after a teenager when you're nearing 60? Are you going to live to see your child get married, and have kids of their own?

If we get to that point, we just won't have them. Sorry, but I don't subscribe to that method of thinking because if you choose not to wait and just have them, things can go very badly for the relationship and the child as a result. Thats not the situation I want to be in and I see couples in that kind of situation. With the child stuck in the middle.

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: vi edit
Each month seems to get a little better and better. Thinking back to "life before kids" just really seems pretty dull.

Oh, just you wait

 

[Ramma2]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: Ramma2
I've always thought if you wait until you are completely ready to have kids, you end up too old to have them.

You're almost 40 now. Think if you wait a few years longer; do you really want to be getting after a teenager when you're nearing 60? Are you going to live to see your child get married, and have kids of their own?

If we get to that point, we just won't have them. Sorry, but I don't subscribe to that method of thinking because if you choose not to wait and just have them, things can go very badly for the relationship and the child as a result. Thats not the situation I want to be in and I see couples in that kind of situation. With the child stuck in the middle.

And yet not doing something just because something could go wrong doesn't seem like a good reason to not do it.

Having a kid if you're ready or not isn't going to automatically make it work or fail. You can think you're 11ty billion percent ready and fail. You can have a kid at the worst point in your life and be the best parent in the world and raise a great child. The type of parent you are and how you maintain your relationship after child are all within your control, and you have that ability today, right now, weather you realize it or not.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

Yea, I can see it now when my daughter turns 20.

daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: After your mom and I talked about it, and then left it up to a coin flip.
daughter: A coin flip?
me: Yup, heads was yes, tails was no.
daughter: So, the entire decision to have me was based on a coin landing heads?
me: Yea, that about sums it up.

Not really the direction I want to go on this issue.

Better than - -
daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: Let me show you the thread, honey!

 

[spidey07]

Honestly, at her age it sounds like her biological clock is ticking. It's telling her "now or never, let's GO!". But yes you should have an opinion - either you do or do not want kids.

 

[Casawi]

How do you compare your life with kids and without? which life sounds better than the other? then you just tell her which one it is ... show that you are still supportive of the other choice.

 

[IronWing]

Borrow a cat for a week or two. Overfeed it. Wait until it pukes at 3am. As you're cleaning up the puke reflect on your future and possible desire to have children. Kids are just like that only cats are cute and children are not.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Casawi
How do you compare your life with kids and without? which life sounds better than the other? then you just tell her which one it is ... show that you are still supportive of the other choice.

We are going to have a discussion about this tonight on the way to her parents place. Its a nice long 2 hour drive where we have the opportunity to discuss it in detail. I will let her know what I think and see what happens from there.

Thank you for your input.

 

[MichaelD]

As has been said, YOU need to make up your mind. Easier said than done...I'm facing the same thing currently. I'm 40, BTW. I think that little factoid carries a little weight in this thread.

Four years ago I swore I'd never get married and would never have more kids (I have one child...13 years old now...from a "relationship" and it cost me dearly emotionally and financially).

Then I met my wife (or the woman who would eventually turn out to be my wife) and everything changed. Me being "smart", we discussed everything before we even got engaged. I knew that a child (ONE) was part of the deal. She's 14 years younger than I am. (Who's the man??? ) and it's expected that she'd want a kid.

I am honestly neutral at this point. I like babies. I enjoy seeing them learn their environment. Learn to speak We babysit regularly; I can change a diaper faster than most women. I don't like it one bit, but I've a bit of experience in that arena. :roll:

I just...am selfish. I don't want to have to move my DVD collection to higher shelves. I don't want a baby seat taking up the entire back seat in the car AGAIN. Been there, done that.

But she wants it. And I do love her very much. So that's where I'm at. Feel free to PM me if you want to. I feel your confusion.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

Kids are not something to be wishy washy about. In my opinion, if you have no opinion one way or the other about kids, you probably should not have kids. Why? Because kids are a full time job, and will absolutely demand most if not all of your attention. If you are not ready to provide that (which your ambivalence suggests), then don't worry about it, and enjoy life as a DINK (dual income no kids).

On the flipside, children are, in my opinon, one of the most wonderful things a husband and wife can share. Few things in life can provide as much satisfaction, joy, sadness, drama, etc. as a child. So, if you want a shot at the rollercoaster called parenthood, and are convinced that once on, you won' want to get off, then having a child is a fantastic thing to do with your spouse.

And if having a child naturally or with fertility treatments is something that will be too invasive/difficult or whatever, consider adoption. Lots of kids out there need parents, and if you adopt a 3-4 year old, you may not have to deal with the messy diaper phase.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

Originally posted by: AreaCode707

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

Yea, I can see it now when my daughter turns 20.

daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: After your mom and I talked about it, and then left it up to a coin flip.
daughter: A coin flip?
me: Yup, heads was yes, tails was no.
daughter: So, the entire decision to have me was based on a coin landing heads?
me: Yea, that about sums it up.

Not really the direction I want to go on this issue.

Better than - -
daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: Let me show you the thread, honey!

lol! like i said, if you are both truly on the fence and will be happy taking either path, nothing beats a good coin toss!

 

[MovingTarget]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Honestly, at her age it sounds like her biological clock is ticking. It's telling her "now or never, let's GO!". But yes you should have an opinion - either you do or do not want kids.

This. Time is ticking...louder and louder...

 

[Sho'Nuff]

Originally posted by: ironwing
Borrow a cat for a week or two. Overfeed it. Wait until it pukes at 3am. As you're cleaning up the puke reflect on your future and possible desire to have children. Kids are just like that only cats are cute and children are not.

Wow. If you focus on the negative aspects of anything than nothing looks attractive. Sure, children are messy (especially in the beginning), but few things bring more satisfaction than seeing your child grow into a cool mini version of you. If you don't understand that, you either don't have kids; or rightfully shouldn;t have kids.

 

[compuwiz1]

Sounds like both of you are too passive on the issue, vs. being passionate about having a child. That to me is a no.

Children should be had by those who truely desire them. It's a huge responsibility and will change your lives forever. There is undoubtedly the usual peer pressure too. Certainly you both have friends who have kids and it's easy to feel like you need to have them just to be normal. Not true. How about a pet instead?

 

[IronWing]

Originally posted by: soxfan
Sure, children are messy (especially in the beginning), but few things bring more satisfaction than seeing your child grow into a cool mini version of you. If you don't understand that, you either don't have kids; or rightfully shouldn;t have kids.

As egotistical as I might be, I have never once thought that the world would be a better place with a bunch of mini ironwings running around.

 

[ballmode]

At least you have a wife. I don't even have a girlfriend or a job right now. Some couples can't even have kids so be lucky you can make this decision.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: ballmode
At least you have a wife. I don't even have a girlfriend or a job right now. Some couples can't even have kids so be lucky you can make this decision.

You do have a point (about that some couples don't have that luck) but it's really not that simple.

Not all couples are the same age (my wife and I) and not all share the same views. BUT, all that should have been discussed before they became "a couple." Assuming, of course, that they didn't get married b/c she was knocked up. Not being insensitive....it happens every day, unfortunately.

 

[vi edit]

I don't buy into the "it's a yes or no answer" mantra.

There's a whole pile of us (yeh, us bastard children! ) that didn't even give our parents a choice. They just had to roll with the hand they were dealt.

For others that have the choice, if they don't have some bit of doubt about the decision they either haven't done their homework or they are delusional. It's human nature to second guess and debate a choice as big as this.

It's just not one of those decisions you can really try before you buy or really vest yourself into until you have to. Those of us in our 20's and 30's have been conditioned so much that you have to have the most toys, we want to play video games and surround ourselves with giant TV's and a billion channels to watch on it. And we are completely screwed when it comes to daycare and future college costs. It's easy to just say "screw it" I like my life and don't want the challenges. I know very few men my age that absolutely felt like they needed to have children. We still want to be kids ourselves.

 

[compuwiz1]

Originally posted by: vi edit
I don't buy into the "it's a yes or no answer" mantra.

There's a whole pile of us (yeh, us bastard children! ) that didn't even give our parents a choice. They just had to roll with the hand they were dealt.

For others that have the choice, if they don't have some bit of doubt about the decision they either haven't done their homework or they are delusional. It's human nature to second guess and debate a choice as big as this.

It's just not one of those decisions you can really try before you buy or really vest yourself into until you have to. Those of us in our 20's and 30's have been conditioned so much that you have to have the most toys, we want to play video games and surround ourselves with giant TV's and a billion channels to watch on it. And we are completely screwed when it comes to daycare and future college costs. It's easy to just say "screw it" I like my life and don't want the challenges. I know very few men my age that absolutely felt like they needed to have children. We still want to be kids ourselves.

I'm 49 years old and still want to be a kid. Sure glad my kids are grown and gone.

 

[Baked]

I'm surprised how you two can stay together for close to 25 years w/ so much indecisiveness. Be a man, and drill her unprotected if you want a kid, or get a vasectomy if you don't. It's really that simple. I don't know why people have to make an issue outta everything.

Ps. This thread belongs in the L&R forum.

 

[Madwand1]

Originally posted by: Nightfall
I have always been of the state of mind that if I was to have a child, I would want it to be for the right reasons. I wouldn't want to go into it half wanting because in my opinion, a wanted child should be truly wanted. I believe some people have kids just for the wrong reasons. You should be committed to these children that you have. You should be prepared and ready to raise them the right way. To go into it half assed is not a key to a successful married or upbringing of the child.

Do I have my attitude in the right place? Should I make some changes and be more open minded? Any suggestions you have would be great.

If you want to take a rational / analytical approach to the questions, then I think that a rational answer is that no, you shouldn't have children, but should first consider adopting a needy child according to your means and spirit.

But. I don't think this should be approached as a purely rational decision. There is no right or wrong answer from a rational/analytical perspective. You cannot sufficiently analyze, predict, ensure the future. Life very much so has a life of its own. So there is no set of right or wrong questions you can ask yourself to come to a decision in this view.

But. You can try to utilize your highest intuition and have it guide you to what is right for you. Don't trivialize intuition with a rational/analytical framework. The head will never clearly tell you what is the right goal. You have to use the heart for that too.

 

[Edgewardb]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

Yea, I can see it now when my daughter turns 20.

daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: After your mom and I talked about it, and then left it up to a coin flip.
daughter: A coin flip?
me: Yup, heads was yes, tails was no.
daughter: So, the entire decision to have me was based on a coin landing heads?
me: Yea, that about sums it up.

Not really the direction I want to go on this issue.

The most successful relationships are based on lies.

 

[Fenixgoon]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
sounds like you are both waiting for the other to make the decision. it happens sometimes.. i usually settle it by asking a magic 8 ball, but coinflip or other methods work too.

Yea, I can see it now when my daughter turns 20.

daughter: Dad, when did you decide to have kids?
me: After your mom and I talked about it, and then left it up to a coin flip.
daughter: A coin flip?
me: Yup, heads was yes, tails was no.
daughter: So, the entire decision to have me was based on a coin landing heads?
me: Yea, that about sums it up.

Not really the direction I want to go on this issue.

that means in some parallel universe, you didn't have kids because coin flips have opposite outcomes! </futurama>

seriously though, best of luck to you and your wife with whatever you guys decide