How can shy people meet friends?

[James3shin]

quake huh? you ever play Counter-Strike? We should get a game on for some fun sometime.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: cherrytwist
gloryhole

how will that help?

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Start a new thread with a joke of your choosing.

My favorite joke. Crude yes, but so is my sense of humor.

I've never use any instant messanger. PM me here if you wish.

Why not?

AIM is free and MSN is prolly on your PC



and as for gaming, we are all itching to play if you'd like

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: James3shin
you ever play Counter-Strike? We should get a game on for some fun sometime.

Never tried it - but I have $55 in Best Buy gift cards that I don't know what to do with. Honestly I had to give up most online gaming to get my PhD and to have a wife. I could pick it up tomorrow I guess and bring it to work. Now just to find a decent video card. What is a suggested minimum video card requirement?

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

First, change your avatar to a happier one
Second, find a few people from this forum and have a conference call, slowly adding more people

Once you accomplish the second one, move onto a LAN party. First invite two or three people. Do just those two and see how you feel after that.

Also, you should consider Karate/Tae Kwon Do. They both build confidence not to mention a good workout

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: Skoorb

I highly recommend against taking anti-anxiety meds unless you've tried EVERYTHING else first. I've known several people on them in college, and sometimes the side-effects can be worse than the symptoms you're taking them for.

A physician will give the best advice in this area...not to undermine yours, because a good shrink will indeed not start immediately on meds unless they think that therapy will have only limited success. They've seen so many cases though that I've no doubt many times they can talk to somebody and in almost no time say "Yep, this guy will do best on such-and-such medication. I've seen it a million times - therapy is not going to help this fellow much."

For the record, social phobia is a condition that is VERY responsive to a psychological approach. The approach of choice is cognitive behavioral therapy, not SSRI meds. The psychologist will limit the number of sessions, i.e., it is not a drawn out, protracted process that takes years, it involves a specific number of sessions with the psychologist giving specific exercises, tasks, challenges. It is very effective.

 

[James3shin]

counter-strike (CS) is based off the Half Life 1 engine and has become a very popular mod. Your specs you listed should be alright to run the game actually. CS is nearly 5 years old i believe and isn't too graphics intensive, you may want to up your ram to 512MB but thats about it.

all you need to play CS is actually Half-Life 1, and then to download Steam

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard
Her work friends come by, we have a little conversation, they talk about dancing, then my wife turns to me and says "I'm going dancing, have a good night". A sharp kick in the teeth. Yes I'm jealous, and yes I'm lonely. She is a very wonderful person, and if she'd just spend some time with me, I'd be perfectly happy.

You must spend time together, if you live in the same house. Why do you interpret her going dancing as a kick in the teeth? Is she not entitled to develop her own independence, develop her interests and skills away from you?

 

[RossMAN]

Originally posted by: Goosemaster

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Start a new thread with a joke of your choosing.

My favorite joke. Crude yes, but so is my sense of humor.

I've never use any instant messanger. PM me here if you wish.

Why not?

AIM is free and MSN is prolly on your PC



and as for gaming, we are all itching to play if you'd like

I have AIM and MSN but I'm not really a gamer

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: James3shin
you ever play Counter-Strike? We should get a game on for some fun sometime.

Never tried it - but I have $55 in Best Buy gift cards that I don't know what to do with. Honestly I had to give up most online gaming to get my PhD and to have a wife. I could pick it up tomorrow I guess and bring it to work. Now just to find a decent video card. What is a suggested minimum video card requirement?

PHD, huh?

Go and buy a "6800GT " video card ..(it is the one in the metal case with the spikes and the security guards around it...you can't miss it) The ngo to steampowered.com, buy half-life 2 gold and we'll play.....along with liek 100 other people on here that are eager to make friends


Also, what is your doctorate in again...?

<--EE student always eager to learn for the "elite"

 

[James3shin]

how about some monopoly on games.com or playsite

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: RossMAN

Originally posted by: Goosemaster

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Start a new thread with a joke of your choosing.

My favorite joke. Crude yes, but so is my sense of humor.

I've never use any instant messanger. PM me here if you wish.

Why not?

AIM is free and MSN is prolly on your PC



and as for gaming, we are all itching to play if you'd like

I have AIM and MSN but I'm not really a gamer

all you play with is coupons you miserly and motley fool




P.S.


Send me savings

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: James3shin
how about some monopoly on games.com or playsite

pictioanry on the site...waht is it again? acutally, now that i think opf it, yahoo has one...

 

[flexy]

you can call someone here from the forum (or someone can call you)....and dont use IM or MUDs or MMORPgs...it wont help you with real life situations.
Get someone on the phone and talk about games or your problems or find someone and let them call you w/ the same problem and talk about your experiences. And dont be a **** thinking there's nothng to talk about. It could also lead to finding new friends.

I can relate to a LOT here because i think all these "fears" are latent in most people....just more evident in some people and less evident in others. If the "symptoms" get extreme or make it impossible to have a normal life then its called a "disorder"..my $0.2

You can untrain all of this...i know what i am talking about !

And yes...your perfectionism (in its bad sense) is a result of your fear/wanting to be perfect. You are NOT borderline-perfectionist if you need half an hour to prepare for calling for a pizza. You're terrfied because your fear to do something wrong.

I cant emphasize enough the KEY is to realize that others have their own issues and you might be suprised if you KNEW what issues/fears other people have. *IF* you do something wrong/are imperfect: Its irrelevant and rather makes you more "normal" because noone is.

Example....if you call some place, like tech support or the billing place for a credit-card etc.....who do you think you calling ?
The president of the US ? Some extremely important person which can turn your life to hell once you make the slightest mistake ? NOPE..maybe you get someone on the phone with the same issues you have or other issues, even more "weird"...for sure nothing to worry about.

Or....i just remember the excellent example...when i came to this country i was terrified because my english was not "perfect" and i sometimes had trouble following people. I was SCARED to death going to the seven-eleven and buy something.

Til i realized its the most ridiculous thing ever since, eg in every 7-11 the people there speak even LESS perfect english than i do.....and today i can only laugh about it. I think this fear certainly had to do with that "social anxiety" (or whatever you want to call it) too. I just realized that and i think its hilarious

 

[dullard]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll be going home now (its past midnight). I'll try to come back to post tomorrow but I don't know what time.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard
I love to have time to myself. I love to sit down for hours with a good computer game or just to watch football. She has all the time she needs to go off on her own. But she feels guilty doing it and wants me to be off with other people too instead of being where I really want to be: at home.

Would you say that you are an introvert, and she is an extrovert? Her idea of a fun night is being in a vibrant social scene, your idea of a fun night is at home with a computer game? Maybe you should both take the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, and then discuss how your different personalities are affecting the relationship. She is sort of bringing her extroverted assumptions (happiness = people, thinking you will be lonely and unhappy alone at night when she is out) to you, and they might not necessarily apply if you are more introverted. They other thing is that if she is a very extroverted person, then she really would need at least some social opportunities to BE extroverted in order to stay healthy. Just hanging out at home with you would not be enough. There is no rule that says all your personality needs and requirements have to be met within the marriage, tho. It sounds like she has developed a healhthy way to exercise that extroverted aspect of her nature, turning it into a business opportunity to boot. Why not be proud of her, instead of interpreting it as a kick in the teeth?

 

[CHfan4ever]

Incredible.Dude.I think i got a similar problem.Well i dont think.I have a similar problem

My problem with society people is a bit different.I dont mind me be around lots of people.But im in my corner.Never saying nearly anything.Not that im not good to chat with , but like you i got difficulty to stand out vs the others.I got the difficulty to start up a conversation.

I got fears of making friends, knowing other people.Intead of trying to make new friends.I rather stay home.

I got an incredible fears of girls.Why? Jesus i dont know.Everytime i know a girl seem to find me pretty.Im just unable to tell her to go out, to tell her i find her pretty.Im incredibly shy.I know i got the potential to meet girls fairly easy enough.I just choke inside of me when trying to speak to a girl.I lost totally confidence in me.I dunno why.Im like that.God id lvoe to get out of this.I just dont see the end...

What all this give me? No message on the answering machine when comming back from work,totally depress.I think about suicide about once a day.Think i hate not a lot of things in the world.Think im useless.Scare of involving my crappy existance with others.Dont want but want to meet new people at the same time...

I just dont know what to do.I have ZERO real friend( you know the kind a friend that phone you at least once per 2 day.To chat to you about anything. )

Do i need pills? I dont know...Do i need to end myself? I dunno.

I need answers, friends ..but at the same time.I feel i dont need.I cry.I do nothing of my own life beside working, and playing some fvcking video games because i got nothing else to do.

Suggestion?Cause in going toward ending myself soon.And you know what ?You guys are the first one to know all that.I never talk about that to anyone.Except my ex-girlfriend...

I just hate nearly everything....

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: flawlssdistortn
Dullard, I refuse to believe that this short post summarizes who you are. But the very fact that you wrote it and left it at that shows you need to start thinking about what's missing. No, it's not actually missing from you or your life, it's just missing from your perspective, and hence the thread.

What kind of things are you good at? What are your talents? What's your favorite type of music? What makes you feel really good (besides your wife)? What are those jokes you never tell? What do you think about anything?

As an exercise for yourself I think you should write out all these things and more, so you can stop focusing on your ridiculous "label" of a disorder. No stranger's first impression amounts to dick anyway, it means just as much as their 2dimensional idea of ditzy Jessica Simpson.

:thumbsup:

 

[Wanescotting]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

HOLY SH!TE, I have (had) the same problem! I have never been diagnosed with anything, but those symptoms sound familiar.

Luckily, I am hardwired( I guess my will power is good) to force myself to do the opposite of what I feel. Use the nervous energy to your advantage. Hell, purposely embarrasse your self. No joke, once you get over the feeling of everyone looking at you, learn how to flip the script, and take over the conversation in a large group of people. I was the fat kid in glasses at one time, so I am good at this. I still have problems speaking up, but when I do, I realize that I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. When you are in that situation, it is better to be damned if you do. Believe me, I know. You cannot llive your life wondering what if. Hold your head up, and demand attention. That is what I did, heck, I could very well be ddescibed as an attention whore these days, I cannot stand it when I am ignored.

However, never lose your analytical edge. I over analyize and overcomplicate everything. That being said, I am rarely in situation that I cannot control, Use it to your advantage.


Basically what I am saying is, learn to like yourself. Not eneryone likes going to the bar, Hell what is the point? You aren't going to gain anything by doing it, they are filled with smoke, and it costs money.
However, you could go to embellish your people skills, and get over being nervous, heck, you might even meet some friends of the female type.


Also, I am going through a similair divorce. I had the same worries about meeting friends, as I was reclusive for the past 8 years. When I finally starting going out, I realized that people enjoyed my company. Hell, when I went back to my home town to see my friends of 20 years whom I have seen sparingly the last 8 years, I had them and everyone in our group laughing their asses off. How did I become the center of attention? I made it happen. When we went out that night I had made up my mind that I was going to have fun, and so was everyone else! Life is what you make of it.

You have to look yourself in the mirror and decide if you like what you see, if you do not, change it.
Get angry with yourself if you must, but find what motivates you, and get back up on feet! Do not allow what you see as defecienies to rule your life.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: Vinney
forgive me for being slow but you never actually say (i don't think) that your wife was leaving you because of your disorder - is that the case or is that just a factor? .. i know that's not really relevant to the topic, but i was just curious.

Two reasons are all that I can determine: (1) is the shyness, (2) is my dad. My wife came from a loving but unintrusive family. They didn't care what she did or if she succeeded. My dad cares about that. He wants us to succeed and have lots of talents. I rarely speak to my family and I feel no pressure. But she isn't used to that. Having a father-in-law that actively asks what classes she takes in college really bothered her. She felt it was way too much pressure and way too controlling.

My dad is quite sexist too (I'm the opposite). But my wife can't shake the feeling that I want her to fail at her career and be a housewife. It can't be further from the truth. I pretty much renovated her building for her studio (walls, new wood floor, etc). I've helped with any policies/pricing/etc that she wants. I actively tell everyone I know about it and encourage them to go to her studio. Yet all along she sees me as my dad. That I'm against her working. Trust in that area has dwindled to zero. She says my actions speak louder than my words. I see a tile in the ceiling is water stained and replace it so that her customers will walk in and be impressed. She sees me as picking on her stuidos flaws and making her an idiot for not noticing the stain. I'm working on this issue too - but that is really getting off subject.

Sounds like you have some pretty fundamental misunderstandings/ miscommunications going on between you + wife. Marriage counselling would perhaps help, but you'd HAVE to do marriage counselling WITH your wife, as opposed to just slinking off to counselling on your own.

 

[Schrodinger]

The only thing you can do is just throw yourself into it. Thats it. Thats all there is to it. You won't get an easy 1-2-3 step guide that someone promises you will give you the world. It isn't like that.

So go out. Say hi to your neighbours and start a talk with them. Go to the convenience store and buy something...anything even if you don't need it (well, except smokes...bad stuff!) and shoot the sh!t with the dude at the counter for a minute about the weather or about the construction beside his building or god knows what.

Join a club or organization.

For me, I became a volunteer at the hospital (for other reasons) but it helped me to advance my social skills immensely. I'd talk to patients...take them outside for smokes (they were wheelchaired and on their way out anyhow so I gave them their vice). Just talk about crap with them. I'd talk about ANYTHING. Cars, classic cars, a guy who was a miner...where he worked, what it was like...what the job entailed. I'd joke about the fat bitchy nurses who wouldn't take them outside (many nurses there were 400 pound cows and they thought giving a dying patient a smoke and some fresh air was wrong...HAH). It brightened their day and helped me too.

Do something like that. Just practice. Thats all there is. Push yourself to go out and practice.

Come to think of it...volunteering at your local hospital is probably the best way to get started. Plus some nurses (not all, most of them are cows) are hotties :thumbsup:

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: Vinney
how old is your wife and how old was she when you two got married? maybe i'm wrong but it almost sounds a little like she wants to "be free" to do other things and explore other things in her life .. hence being bothered by your dad and her feeling like you want to "trap" her .. that might have more to do with her issues than anything else... i also feel like that's the case based on her "i'm going dancing" responses

:thumbsup:

 

[Meractik]

dullard hang in there man, that goes for the rest of you too, i battle my own problems they maybe related to social phobia as well.

Im not ready to give up i go on spirts i could be out with friends and 1 night be all ready to do whatever and actually do anything and be brave. The very next night if we go out i spend the time thinking about what i did the previous night and what everyone thought of it.

Ill be honest im soooo sick of it, im about ready to be like 'fvck it' and play the entire world as a game. A game i want to win very badly at, if theres something i want to do im going to do it, if theres someone i want to be with im going to go for them, im going to kick all my problems in the as5 by overcoming them, well see how well it pulls out but im going to try my best.

One major thing i realized helps alot is sleep, don't get to much or two little level yourself to always have like 8 hours a night or something if you can, to little will leave you crumpy and exhausted and nobody will be around you, to much would leave you depressed and feeling as though you wasted your life/time.

Everyone has problems dullard but it takes a man and courage to admit whats wrong and that they need help, i live in PA its kinda far away to meet in person but im on the forums and just about every IM client you could think of, i have a bit of a problem with wanting to help everyone and anyone i can... (which can lead to being taken advantage of) but i believe you're a kind hearted, goodwilled person so im offering up my friendship to you if you want to private message me talk via any IM or anything just drop me a line. Just keep it real and don't let the world walk on you but at the same time get everything you can out of it without regreting it.

The world is not a perfect place, accept, embrace and move on.

Those that mind don't matter... and those that matter don't mind.

 

[Wanescotting]

Originally posted by: Schrodinger
The only thing you can do is just throw yourself into it. Thats it. Thats all there is to it. You won't get an easy 1-2-3 step guide that someone promises you will give you the world. It isn't like that.

So go out. Say hi to your neighbours and start a talk with them. Go to the convenience store and buy something...anything even if you don't need it (well, except smokes...bad stuff!) and shoot the sh!t with the dude at the counter for a minute about the weather or about the construction beside his building or god knows what.

Join a club or organization.

For me, I became a volunteer at the hospital (for other reasons) but it helped me to advance my social skills immensely. I'd talk to patients...take them outside for smokes (they were wheelchaired and on their way out anyhow so I gave them their vice). Just talk about crap with them. I'd talk about ANYTHING. Cars, classic cars, a guy who was a miner...where he worked, what it was like...what the job entailed. I'd joke about the fat bitchy nurses who wouldn't take them outside (many nurses there were 400 pound cows and they thought giving a dying patient a smoke and some fresh air was wrong...HAH). It brightened their day and helped me too.

Do something like that. Just practice. Thats all there is. Push yourself to go out and practice.

Come to think of it...volunteering at your local hospital is probably the best way to get started. Plus some nurses (not all, most of them are cows) are hotties :thumbsup:

Excellent advice! I have been thinking of volunteering my time when I move back to my home town.

What do you do as a volunteer at a hospital (this is not a thread hijack, I promise)?

 

[Schrodinger]

Originally posted by: Wanescotting

Originally posted by: Schrodinger
The only thing you can do is just throw yourself into it. Thats it. Thats all there is to it. You won't get an easy 1-2-3 step guide that someone promises you will give you the world. It isn't like that.

So go out. Say hi to your neighbours and start a talk with them. Go to the convenience store and buy something...anything even if you don't need it (well, except smokes...bad stuff!) and shoot the sh!t with the dude at the counter for a minute about the weather or about the construction beside his building or god knows what.

Join a club or organization.

For me, I became a volunteer at the hospital (for other reasons) but it helped me to advance my social skills immensely. I'd talk to patients...take them outside for smokes (they were wheelchaired and on their way out anyhow so I gave them their vice). Just talk about crap with them. I'd talk about ANYTHING. Cars, classic cars, a guy who was a miner...where he worked, what it was like...what the job entailed. I'd joke about the fat bitchy nurses who wouldn't take them outside (many nurses there were 400 pound cows and they thought giving a dying patient a smoke and some fresh air was wrong...HAH). It brightened their day and helped me too.

Do something like that. Just practice. Thats all there is. Push yourself to go out and practice.

Come to think of it...volunteering at your local hospital is probably the best way to get started. Plus some nurses (not all, most of them are cows) are hotties :thumbsup:

Excellent advice! I have been thinking of volunteering my time when I move back to my home town.

What do you do as a volunteer at a hospital (this is not a thread hijack, I promise)?

You can do many things.

I porter, answer phones at information desk, take people from out of town upstairs to room/floor their sick person is on, take people that are confined to wheelchairs or those with alzheimers and memory probs (have to watch them) outside for fresh air (and smokes...the nurses refuse to take a terminal person out for a smoke. I know one guy who had no fingers and couldn't light a smoke...the fat cows wouldn't let him go outside so I always took him out and hooked him up. He passed away but would have anyways from his illness). I talk to people. Many of them that I ran into had tough lives or were disenfranchised by their own family (regardless of what they did in life, I don't care) and had no one around so I'd talk to them. I deliver flowers and other crap to them. I take people on beds or chairs to x-ray

Tons of things you can do at a hospital. I'd say its the most enjoyable place to volunteer. You learn a lot about life and makes me a better person at home I'd like to think.

Edit: Additionally, the people who you talk to there won't judge you. They are sick and love any company they can get. Its like a free audience for the OP heh.