How can shy people meet friends?

[Meractik]

i must agree with Schrodinger throwing yourself into situations helps but you must do it at a constant basis so that you do not relapse into being a lonely muck with nothing to do except sit and ponder how lonely you are and blah blah blah like i do sometimes but im to pressed for time as it is right now but the good news is i just got my hours shifted at work to steady daylight monday through fridays and this is my last midnight shift for a long time until my contract is up sometime in may! so ill have every weekend off! YAY hopefully ill be able to get back into the swing of things and go out and do some stuff on the weekends, my friends are all off a college and they don't come home every weekend so i don't know what ill do on my weekends yet besides probably catchup on some schoolwork and get some time in with the computer and games and stuff, but i hope to go out as well as i need to fix my social problems and stop being so afraid of what people think b/c it ruins life

 

[Taejin]

I dont know much about social anxiety, but have you EVER tried visiting a psychologist or psychiatrist?

You might want to.. if you're serious about overcoming your particular disability.
And it is a disability, it is every bit as disabling if not more than a physical disability.

 

[Meractik]

disability or fear, and whose to say its something you can't fix on your own? i don't know about dullard but i refuse to go to any type of doctor thats just going to give me some drugs and say these will help you. id rather spend 4 years trying to help myself and achieve my goal then to have a doctor issue drugs i have to take everyday and become addicted to.

 

[db]

"[Wife:] I'm going dancing, have a good night". ..
[dullard:] "She is a very wonderful person...."

Perhaps your wife and Dad (or Mom) have something in common--they are controlling, and maybe critical.
Perhaps you were scrutinized all the time as you grew up by one of your parents, and no matter what you did, it was *never good enough*. Perhaps that parent always criticized others too, possibly ranting and raving about what's wrong and how things SHOULD be right. This could set up a superior/inferior relationship, which you automatically play with a partner.
Perhaps you are not a selfish person--you are a considerate person. Perhaps your wife and parent are selfish people.
Perhaps you poured out your every thought and feeling, unguarded, fragile and susceptible like a baby bird. Perhaps she takes advantage of you. Maybe you find yourself having to always "make it up to her" for something you did.
Have you lost someone significant in your family when you were younger? Is there a fear of losing your wife, a fear that is so strong that you will put up with inappropriate behavior from her?
Is your mom a stay-at-home mom?

 

[Schrodinger]

Follow my advice. The last thing you need is a shrink. This stuff is all constructed in your mind, by your mind. Do you really want to be put on meds and act artificial? The side effects are horrible.

Throw yourself into social situations and keep it up. No matter how stressful it is at first.

Trust and believe me Like Nike says "Just do it"

 

[Wanescotting]

Originally posted by: Meractik
disability or fear, and whose to say its something you can't fix on your own? i don't know about dullard but i refuse to go to any type of doctor thats just going to give me some drugs and say these will help you. id rather spend 4 years trying to help myself and achieve my goal then to have a doctor issue drugs i have to take everyday and become addicted to.

You are correct sir!
For me, it all comes down to will power. I understand that some people have no other choice but to use medication, but you have to at least try it on your own.

 

[GiLtY]

I'll cs if anyone wants, but I only have cs 1.5

--GiLtY

 

[Meractik]

Originally posted by: GiLtY
I'll cs if anyone wants, but I only have cs 1.5

--GiLtY

cs 1.5 is the best version out there (aside from 1.3 but nobody plays that anymore)


p.s. my pc can't play CS:S or hl2 haha i lan with 1.5 to bad im at work id play ya GiLtY

 

[Meractik]

dillard maybe if you have a big house you can post flyers and have a LAN or something at your house or just find other LANS within your area if you're into that sort of thing with video games and such or want to participate in playing them they're a good way to socialize

 

[Siva]

I'm very sorry about your situation. Its nice to see that forum is so responsive in such a positive manner. I think everyone has been lonely for a period of his/her life, and its very easy to understand what sucks so much about it.

I don't think anyone has perfect advice, myself included, but you definately have to do something. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut where you are just as miserable today as you were yesterday. GO OUT. Don't sit at your computer, as tempting as it might be, that's not going to improve your social situation.

Here's what I found in college that transformed me from a kinda lonely guy into someone I can say I am happy to be.

1. Get in close proximety to likeminded individuals. Living with my peers was very helpful when it came to meeting new people and actually getting out. Move somewhere that might have a lot of individuals who share your interets and are in your age/income group. You can't help but run into and talk to your neighbors every now and then, and often times they are good people.

2. Find hobbies. Get out there and do something. Dancing is a great start, but keep looking. I am sure you would've never found an interest in dancing without your (ex)wife. There are probably plenty of other things out there that suit you, that you could find yourself getting engrossed in. Do something out of the ordinary, skydive, smoke pot, go crazy. Don't become stagnant. If you share someone else's passion, they are instantly going to have a connection with you.

3. Put the computer away. Its important for work, but its not going to make you happy, its not going to take the place of friends either.

4. Don't rush yourself. Change takes a lot of time, and you can't help but feel down now and then. That doesn't mean things aren't going to get better. Smile, do the things you know you enjoy most when you get down, and don't let it get to you all the time.

5. Get professional help. There are a lot of people with the letters M.D. or PhD after their name that know how to help you a lot better than yourself or any of us. Drugs might be an answer too, but not a permanent one.

I dunno, there's probably more stuff that I am forgetting, but that's the gyst of what I was thinking. Don't let negative feelings, anger, bitterness, etc... take you over. They are very unappealing to any new people you might meet, and will turn you into a generally unpleasent person. You don't seem too overcome by anything like that, your online demeanor seems generally positive for your negative situation. You are a nice guy, there's no reason people shouldn't like you, so say hi, shake some hands, and let your prescense be known! It can't hurt to try, rejection is something we all face at one time or another, don't fear it.

And if you want, give me a call. PM me and I'd be happy to give you my phone number, or just PM me. A lot of people care, even if they haven't met you face to face.

There's no good reason to be lonely for long in this life, but it happens far too often. Don't let it happen to you and keep us updated.

 

[Taejin]

People are dissing my suggestion of a shrink, but it is the PSYCHIATRISTS that attempt to use science to medicate your problem.

It is the psychologists that attempt to unravel your problems with you in hand.

Sometimes, a mix of psychology and psychiatry fixes the problem. People are telling you to stick it out on your own, but when you need help, you go get help. When your own mind is your enemy, it is very difficult to overcome.

I don't see people telling other people who are borderline suicidal to "buck up sucker, its all in your mind. If you can't overcome this, you're a weak-willed fool". You don't see people with extreme phobias (ie arachnophobia) being treated of their condition by having spiders stuffed in their face. You don't see schizophrenia, depression, and the entire host of psychological conditions being fixed by the affected.

There's a reason why people get help, whether it be mental (from psychs) to physical (from psychiatrists). Don't mistake me - I am not calling anyone with mental problems like they're some outcast, and I hope people don't mistake my post for something more offensive than what I'm trying to make it.

I had a mild case of depression, and that was pretty debilitating. I would hate to have social phobias, or god forbid, a real case of severe depression.

 

[poopaskoopa]

Season tickets to your local college sports(BB/FB/etc). Your alma mater would be perfect. With some programs, the cost is prohibitive and availability scarce, but if you can get it, it's pretty cool.

Poker. Sort of like a guys' night out thing. My former co-workers get together and play LAN games on Thurs and poker on Fri. Most of them are married. Go figure....

Sports. Not to watch, but to play.

Good luck.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: Taejin
People are dissing my suggestion of a shrink, but it is the PSYCHIATRISTS that attempt to use science to medicate your problem.

It is the psychologists that attempt to unravel your problems with you in hand.

Sometimes, a mix of psychology and psychiatry fixes the problem. People are telling you to stick it out on your own, but when you need help, you go get help. When your own mind is your enemy, it is very difficult to overcome.

I don't see people telling other people who are borderline suicidal to "buck up sucker, its all in your mind. If you can't overcome this, you're a weak-willed fool". You don't see people with extreme phobias (ie arachnophobia) being treated of their condition by having spiders stuffed in their face. You don't see schizophrenia, depression, and the entire host of psychological conditions being fixed by the affected.

There's a reason why people get help, whether it be mental (from psychs) to physical (from psychiatrists). Don't mistake me - I am not calling anyone with mental problems like they're some outcast, and I hope people don't mistake my post for something more offensive than what I'm trying to make it.

I had a mild case of depression, and that was pretty debilitating. I would hate to have social phobias, or god forbid, a real case of severe depression.

I don't understand this reticence to seek help from an expert in mental health (psychologist, psychiatrist). People seem comfortable seeking assisance from experts in most other areas of life (car repair, computer maintenance, financial advice, legal advice) but somehow mental health is off limits? My preference would be for a psychologist over a psychiatrist; but that's because I favor the cognitive behavioral approach (an approach which focuses on changing dysfunctional thoughts about self and the world).

 

[StormRider]

You and I are very similar except I never met a girl who liked me.

 

[yhelothar]

I had the same problem too as a kid. I was picked on a lot so I never talked and most people saw me as shy. But then when I turned 16.. people stopped picking on me, and I stopped caring how others view me. Then I just opened myself and almost spoke my mind. You just need to convince yourself that you have nothing to lose if you say something stupid, but you will lose if you don't say anything at all. It's all in your head. Mind over matter.
There's a good training course that helps you get comfortable in a large group of people. It's a highly acclaimed program worldwide called Dale Carnigie. It'll help you get past your comfort zones in front of large groups of people. I went to it early in high school, and in my late years of high school, I was winning trophies in my school's speech and debate club.

 

[Meractik]

Ralph Waldo Emerson boldly states, "Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."


i got the e book of dale carnegies that is called 'how to make friends and influence people' i have yet to read it though been to busy with work and school

 

[Paul Ma]

You think too much because you excessively care what other people are thinking about you. That is a mistake. I suggest becoming more snobbish and condescending but it will only work if you actually believe it.

 

[ohtwell]

I would go to a psychiatrist about your problems with anxiety. Sometimes it takes just talking to someone about your problems to figure out where they are really coming from. I wouldn't go so far as to say that you need medication, but that does help some people. What you really need to do is boost your confidence a little. I think you find it hard to talk to others and get in social situations because you feel that everyone is judging you. I get like that sometimes. I feel that all eyes are on me and that if I make a mistake I'm going to look like an idiot. About 5 seconds later, after I've undoubtedly made a fool of myself, I realize that it doesn't really matter what other people think about me. If people laugh at you, that's perfectly fine. No one says the right thing all the time. That's just something everyone has to overcome and deal with.

If you let other's opinions dictate your actions, you'll always be trying to fullfill unrealistic expectations. It's great to want people to like you, but you shouldn't be afraid of people not liking you. You need to force yourself, somehow, to put yourself out there. Good luck!


: ) Amanda

 

[Geekbabe]

Some of us do better by ourselves or with just one or two close friends.As long as you're not guilt tripping your more socially extrotverted wife I can't see what the problem is.

I knoqw far,far too many people who have to be around others, who can't sit with and enjoy their own comopany.

 

[ragazzo]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
you are a teacher right? time to institute that A for "effort" program

I forced myself to teach one college course. It was my effort to improve public speaking ability. By the end of week 2 of the class, I had no fear of that class. But other public speaking has still proven difficult.

you have more balls than you think. i don't have social anxiety issues, but i don't have the balls to teach a class and i certainly don't like dancing hahah.

the only tip i can give you is just don't think too much about it. want to call up a friend/coworker to hang out? just do it. don't think. just do it.

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Originally posted by: acemcmac
I really hate to be blunt, but you need to hear this:

Get your pee-pee out of your mouth and be bold, brash and brasin. Stick your kneck out, you have nothing to loose.

Also, repeating "I DONT GIVE A FVCK" helps. Helped me

 

[Tom]

"A church sounds harmless enough. If only I wasn't an athiest who things church going people are often brainwashed lemmings (This doesn't apply to all people, just those who refuse to think for themselves. If you think for yourself and still believe in God, then all the power to you and congratulations)."

You might try going to a Unitarian church. In my experience they accept atheists, agnostics, and provide a great deal of fellowship.

 

[CptObvious]

I can relate to OP. I suffer from the same degree of social anxiety, and I haven't made any new friends since my old ones moved away a couple years ago. When I get really depressed that everyone else is living but me, I have to stay productive to prevent myself from lying in bed all day.

I've found that to a certain degree I have to learn to accept it. People come from all different walks of life and because of the way I am and the way I was raised, I know I'll never be a natural extrovert or socialite. At the same time I know I can be a social person when in the right circumstances (particularly when I'm with friends). When I'm among complete strangers I clam up, unless in a small group or one-on-one. It's worst when I have to get groceries or shop in a mall alone. So knowing which situations give me anxiety helps.

Finally, I know there are people who actually prefer hanging out with introverts (when they've warmed up a bit). I find that other introverts tend to be more honest with themselves and usually have a better sense of humor. I am attracted to women who are the opposite of myself - outgoing and free-spirited, but most of the people I admire in life are introverts. GL

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: ifesfor
Incredible.Dude.I think i got a similar problem.Well i dont think.I have a similar problem

My problem with society people is a bit different.I dont mind me be around lots of people.But im in my corner.Never saying nearly anything.Not that im not good to chat with , but like you i got difficulty to stand out vs the others.I got the difficulty to start up a conversation.

I got fears of making friends, knowing other people.Intead of trying to make new friends.I rather stay home.

I got an incredible fears of girls.Why? Jesus i dont know.Everytime i know a girl seem to find me pretty.Im just unable to tell her to go out, to tell her i find her pretty.Im incredibly shy.I know i got the potential to meet girls fairly easy enough.I just choke inside of me when trying to speak to a girl.I lost totally confidence in me.I dunno why.Im like that.God id lvoe to get out of this.I just dont see the end...

What all this give me? No message on the answering machine when comming back from work,totally depress.I think about suicide about once a day.Think i hate not a lot of things in the world.Think im useless.Scare of involving my crappy existance with others.Dont want but want to meet new people at the same time...

I just dont know what to do.I have ZERO real friend( you know the kind a friend that phone you at least once per 2 day.To chat to you about anything. )

Do i need pills? I dont know...Do i need to end myself? I dunno.

I need answers, friends ..but at the same time.I feel i dont need.I cry.I do nothing of my own life beside working, and playing some fvcking video games because i got nothing else to do.

Suggestion?Cause in going toward ending myself soon.And you know what ?You guys are the first one to know all that.I never talk about that to anyone.Except my ex-girlfriend...

I just hate nearly everything....

Would you consider going to see a counselor or doctor? Things are getting kind of serious when you start thinking about ending it all.

 

[dullard]

I haven't forgotten about this thread. No progress yet, and nothing to report.