How can shy people meet friends?

[Vinney]

yeah but i want to know your plan of action, remember

 

[aznman]

*i didnt read this whole thread so please forgive me for anything i said that u take offensive*
try meeting one friend at a time. perhaps someone from anandtech forums(u probably already know we are really nice ppl! well most ). u say that ur problem is that u cant communicate well with a group of more than 2 friends but have u really tried? meet one person. become reaaally good friends w/ him/her and perhaps him/her will introduce u to another friend. take it in little by little. u have the rest if your life to do so. and make sure your wife knows u are trying to get new friends and change ur social status so she doesnt run off on u before u get the chance to say anything. just dont try to jump and gain groups of friends. hell id be ur friend(if i wasnt about 10 years younger than u)well i hope i helped some....gl and take care bro

 

[i3rYs0n]

well, usually a few drinks will do you good. When you first drink alchohal (i can't spell) it passes through the front part of ur brain (the part that controls ur personality). So just get trashed and i'm sure you wont have a problem. And if you continue on this path, eventually you will kill enough brain cells to not care so much about what you say.

It seems like you are worried about experiancing "bad" things, but as everyone else does, you learn from experiance,. It's difficult but you have to fall before you can walk.

 

[WooDaddy]

You have to find a hobby and focus on it. Work on a way to make YOURSELF happy. It's tough. We all suffer this episode at some part in our life.

Short and brash answers but here you go:
1) Find something that intrigues you and do it on your own. Do NOT include your wife.
2) Go to church. Guess what? You're just as messed up as those 'lemmings' you see there. Once you realize that you're not the only one messed up, then you can move beyond that. The only difference is that they recognize they're messed up and that religion soothes the pain. (It sounds harsh but true once you start thinking about it)
3) Just go outside, by yourself. Even simple things as walking around the neighborhood and looking and enjoying the fresh air will help. Small steps but in reality they are big steps.
4) Take some drugs. They help temporarily but eventually you have to learn to accept yourself and your problems without crutches. St John's Wort is a good herbal anti-depressant.

Long and short of it, your wife loved or loves you because of you not because of both of you together. When you lose yourself, you won't seem as attractive to her. If you start going out and doing these things on your own, she'll see the self-improvement stuff that you are doing for YOURSELF and most likely become more attracted to you. Learning to appreciate yourself with all your faults is key but it is difficult. But once you start and you realize just how wonderful you are (your wife did, you must too!), I can bet you $10 your relationship will get back on track. It will take a LONG time though, but you must follow through.

She loves you man! Even if she might be cheating, she loved you, she probably still does but your issues make it difficult.

Remember, your first obligation is to YOURSELF, next God (even though you don't believe), your wife, your family, your household, your job, etc.

You are going through the same stuff I am and let me tell you, it's rough, but as I improve I feel great.
Love yourself man! Hell, I love you! I love you too much to let you fall apart like this.

Now go outside and take a walk. Look at the world and appreciate the fact that you are alive and get to reap the benefits of this world and life!

(Ok.. this wasn't as short as I thought it would be... but it touched home.)

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: neonerd
perhaps ask one of your closest friends about this...talk to him/her about it and see what they think. They probably know you and the situation better. Tell them what you just told all of us. I'm no psychiatrist or whatever, but that's what my $0.02. Hope it helps....GL

oh, and really try to get out there...it's not that bad out there

Did you even read the post?

 

[skace]

Some day you are going to realize how many people are similar to you and it is going to shock the hell outa you.

 

[laurenlex]

The best way to be good at talking with people is not to talk. It is to ask questions. Most people love talking about themselves, and if you get good at asking starting questions, and then follow up, it might help a lot.

Get more exercise and fresh air. Don't spend as much time on the net.

Change username to non-Dullard.

 

First step, lost your intellectual elitism.

 

[bharok]

How old are you
sometimes just start talking to people casually
what is the worst that can happen they wound like you --so what ?
you said you had a few 1-2 friends or used to
conatact them again
start hanging out with them
then hang out with their friends

or find a good community out there a church etc volunteer there etc
or hang out family
do u have and brouthers / sisters

 

[bharok]

dont give up on her life
admit your problem to your wife
let here help you
main thing is admit to your wife you do have a problem and show you are taking steps to fix it

 

[bharok]

show your wife you are tring by showing here this post
and that you do have friends (at least online)

 

[bobsmith1492]

I feel for ya Dull.... I thought I was reading my own thoughts when I saw the first post. The problem is I don't even have a girlfriend and never have, and now I'm off at college and all I have is Anand forums (sniff sniff) ....

 

[bobsmith1492]

I'd love to be in your position, if that's any help (regarding the 'married' thing)

 

[xtagenesis]

umm.. try some dating services... i'm sure they can hook you up with someone.. there is always www.bride.ru

 

[thehstrybean]

Originally posted by: bobsmith1492
I feel for ya Dull.... I thought I was reading my own thoughts when I saw the first post. The problem is I don't even have a girlfriend and never have, and now I'm off at college and all I have is Anand forums (sniff sniff) ....

Woa...This is all me!! Even the no girlfriend part!! Been single for 16 years....NO!!!!

 

[StormRider]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Some of us do better by ourselves or with just one or two close friends.As long as you're not guilt tripping your more socially extrotverted wife I can't see what the problem is.

I knoqw far,far too many people who have to be around others, who can't sit with and enjoy their own comopany.

I don't sit still when I'm enjoying my own company if you catch my drift..

 

[JEDI]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

wow dude..i am in the same boat. i was exactly like you. found someone that loved me. she left after 6 years.

unfortunately, 4 years later the only true friends i have are still the ones from college

if you find the answer, please update your 1st post! i'm sure that lots of people in ATOT would be

 

[notfred]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
you are a teacher right? time to institute that A for "effort" program

I forced myself to teach one college course. It was my effort to improve public speaking ability. By the end of week 2 of the class, I had no fear of that class. But other public speaking has still proven difficult.

You have to do this with everything. You're afraid to order pizza? Order pizza every night for a week. You'll get used to it. You've shown that you CAN overcome these problems, you just have to force yourself to do it.

 

[tooltime]

get involved. whether it's a church group or a club, get involved with a group of people your age that have a lot of activities...you'll find out how shy your not

 

[JulesMaximus]

Wow, that's pathetic.

 

[dderidex]

Originally posted by: notfred

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
you are a teacher right? time to institute that A for "effort" program

I forced myself to teach one college course. It was my effort to improve public speaking ability. By the end of week 2 of the class, I had no fear of that class. But other public speaking has still proven difficult.

You have to do this with everything. You're afraid to order pizza? Order pizza every night for a week. You'll get used to it. You've shown that you CAN overcome these problems, you just have to force yourself to do it.

Sounds silly, but this makes more sense that you know.

What did you 'have no fear of that class' after 2 weeks? After that much time, you KNEW the students in them. They were now "known quantities" to you, you could interact with them now that your subconscious was reassured they are normal people, like everyone else.

Do the same thing with anything else you have trouble with - hit up the same pizza shops, coffee shops, whatever. Just find out who works there - not prying or anything, but just learn their names, who makes a better pizza, who fills the coffee cup up the highest, etc. Once you 'humanize' all those nebulous masses, it becomes much easier to interact with them.

(For a real kick - try picking up a retail job, like at American Eagle, Banana Republic, EBGames, or Borders or something. Not only will you rapidly lose ANY fear of people you haven't met yet....you will, in fact, start hating them! Preemptively!!)

 

[artikk]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: acemcmac
Stick your kneck out, you have nothing to loose.

I've thought about sticking my neck out on a railroad track and I'll have just one thing loose.

Don't worry, I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it, nor to impede on the lives of those who it would affect.

Be more decisive in your decisons and in your life and that will make a ton of difference.You just need to have more confidence. I was like you once but I changed and became more confident in myself and now I'm ready to take on the world.:thumbsup:

 

[Gooberlx2]

Originally posted by: loki8481
pills?
........

Seriously, maybe try to score some valium or vicodin from someone, it's usually not too hard. Or (since I just remembered the whole problem in the first place) talk to a shrink who'll get you a prescription.

I might get flamed for encouraging pill-popping...but you know what, they mellow you out and make you less anxious. The point is to use them as a crutch and try to use them less and less over time.

 

[gopunk]

hey dullard, sorry to hear about your troubles! i don't have any advice to offer, but i hope everything works out for you :beer:

 

[JEDI]

well, i dont know if this will help or not, but here's something i started about Lifespring/Legacy Center. They're either about empowering people to fulfill their dreams, or a cult. I'm still trying to decide...

LINK