How unethical is it to...

[wesman6]

I've been married for 9 years next month. During the last year, I didn't tell my wife that I got a raise. Reason being is that she likes to spend money. We have been struggling to keep ahead of bills, but she doesn't seem to understand that. She goes to the thrift store at least twice a week and just impulse buys. I know that it could be much worse if she bought stuff new, but it still puts a strain on cash flow nonetheless. So what I've been doing is holding out on the money to help with the bills. It feels wrong, but it seems to be the only thing helping us keep afloat.

Should I come clean and let her know that I've been doing that or just keep the Status Quo? I'm worried about her being very pissed that I didn't tell her when I got the raise. What do I do?

 

[mAdMaLuDaWg]

End yourself??? j/k

Seriously though, have you ever talked the wifey about her impulse buys?

 

[nwfsnake]

Sounds like you both need counseling before this ends in divorce. Then she is going to get 50%+ !

 

[serialkiller]

If you know for sure that she is going to spend the money away to a point where yall can't float the bills... then dont tell her... its for the better...

 

[MikeyIs4Dcats]

keep the status quo.

 

[lokiju]

Touchy subject, and it totaly depends on your wife and how she'd react.

 

[YetioDoom]

TALK TO HER.

 

[xospec1alk]

i wouldn't say anything. just keep on keeping on.

 

[nakedfrog]

I think you're probably best off leaving things as they are. She's still got spending money, right?

 

[l Xes l]

divorce the bitch. GG.

 

[Hammer]

put her on an "allowance" since she sucks at handling money.

 

[Kelemvor]

Do you cash your check and then just give her the amount she got before? Or does it go into it's own account or what?

I don't really think it's "unethical". But you shoudl talk to her about it. And if she doesn't change, just open your own account at the bank and don't put her name on it and have your checks go into there. Then you can distribute the money to her as you see fit.

 

[Homerboy]

no matter what, secrets aren't good.
The bigger picture here isn't you not telling her about a raise, its that you both can't come to an agreement on spending the money. That is the issue that needs to be resolved.

Edit: I love many of these responses. Totally unhelpful and likley ignorant (ie: you are not married). Why chime in with a smart-assed response, when the guy and his wife obviously have a problem and he is whole heartedly asking for advice?

 

[ggnl]

It's not necessarily unethical, but it's very indicative of a serious problem with your relationship. You shouldn't have to lie about how much you make to keep her from spending you into insolvency. Some type of counseling/education on her spending habits is definitely in order.

 

Originally posted by: lokiju
Touchy subject, and it totaly depends on your wife and how she'd react.

Yep.


Whose money is she spending? If it?s mostly or all yours, keep everything you need for bills and whatnot and give her very little if any. Don't feel bad because she is being irresponsible.

 

[Kelemvor]

Originally posted by: Hammer
put her on an "allowance" says she sucks at handling money.

Impulse buying and not saving money for bills is what says she sucks as handling money. Putting her on an allowance is just a way to make sure you don't go broke.

 

[Homerboy]

Originally posted by: buck

Originally posted by: lokiju
Touchy subject, and it totaly depends on your wife and how she'd react.

Yep.


Whose money is she spending? If it?s mostly or all yours, keep everything you need for bills and whatnot and give her very little if any. Don't feel bad because she is being irresponsible.

They're married... its THEIR money.

 

[MisterJackson]

First off, I think what you're doing is right. You are only thinking of your family. However, that doesn't stop the issue of your wife having a problem with money. Have you addressed it with her in a serious way (not as a passing comment, but a "We need to sit down and talk" kind of thing)?

If she finds out what you've been doing though she may feel betrayed, and not don't trust you, or worse yet feel like you trust her (which technically you don't).

It's a sticky situation, but again I agree with you. Until she fixes her problem you have to do what you have to do for the betterment of both of you.

 

[GTaudiophile]

See my next post.

 

[Skiguy411]

Does she work?

 

[acemcmac]

I have always wondered how these situations are supposed to be handled. My woman has no sense of money either...

 

[loudSilence]

In the given situation I wouldn't let her know, though I'd strongly suggest either of you should seek professional help, since this does not seem to be a healthy behaviour.

 

[ajpa123]

Your heart is in the right place but you really are betraying her trust. You love her dearly but you're hiding something from her. You should have sit with a financial planner or parents or inlaws (people she trusts) and make her understand the situation as soon as you got that raise.

If TSHTF, in a court of law, your behavior can be twisted into something other than 'doing the right thing' which wouldn't help you. Get some professional advice and make ur marraige last.

 

[wesman6]

She used to handle the bills and I thought nothing of them until I noticed that she was paying some bills with credit cards. That was the red flag that I needed to handle it. It was at that point that I realized the extent that it was affecting our cash flow.

We've talked about the purchasing of misc items that we don't need. She stops for a while, then it starts again. It just a cycle that happens every few months.

I may have to start the allowance idea with her, but I still hesitate to tell her about the raise.

As for how I keep the money separated, I have my direct deposit split between my mad money account and our joint account, so she doesn't see what money there is. I made my mad money account about 3 years ago because I myself had an issue with spending money on frivolous items. I only put about $40.00 in it a paycheck for doing whatever with it. I've grown up since then and I am much more responsible for cash now. I've been paying bills through that account to keep up with expenditures. My wife doesn't really pay any attention to that account so I'm not worried about that.

Counseling maybe in the near future for us and I think at that point would be the best time to come clean. I don't think she'll be as mad if she knew the root cause for my actions.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: wesman6
I've been married for 9 years next month. During the last year, I didn't tell my wife that I got a raise. Reason being is that she likes to spend money. We have been struggling to keep ahead of bills, but she doesn't seem to understand that. She goes to the thrift store at least twice a week and just impulse buys. I know that it could be much worse if she bought stuff new, but it still puts a strain on cash flow nonetheless. So what I've been doing is holding out on the money to help with the bills. It feels wrong, but it seems to be the only thing helping us keep afloat.

Should I come clean and let her know that I've been doing that or just keep the Status Quo? I'm worried about her being very pissed that I didn't tell her when I got the raise. What do I do?

But do you feel that this secret is making a distance between you and her? When you keep a secret from someone, does it sort of make it difficult to be truly intimate or open with them (even in other areas of life)?