I am in SHOCK! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Stigenator]

good point cheapster.

She needs someone who has been in that position to talk to. My math teacher in college, she was married at age 19 to a guy, working at McDonalds for 3.13/hr and married.. this was in 1980. She then got divorced and decided to go to school, got her GED, went to Pasadena City College, and got her degree in math and then went to UCLA and got her doctoral. During her time she was doing her schooling at Pasadena city college she got married (for teh second time) and later she got divorced after she graduated from UCLA. She now doesnt want to get married, however she has her two kids and is quite happy and content being a single mom.

She says getting married early was the biggest mistake. Sure she was making 3.13 an hour but now she looks back and says going to school was the best thing she ever did.

 

[Cheapster]

Scrapster, you won't think about the possibility until told otherwise! Well wish this being such a rush wedding and all, that would be the first thought on my mind. When I mentioned "immature and uncalled for" etc. I was referring to the other comments on here, not you.

If you're that close to your sister, then you should be able to be honest with her and straighforward. Talk to her, find out why such the rush.

 

[The Stigenator]

Scapster there is a way to stop the wedding:

"Does anybody have their say at this moment or forever keep quiet"
shout "me" and then say "DONT DO IT "

 

[maleficent]

She's 19. She's not going to listen to you anyway. It may turn out badly - She was 16 and dating a 27 year old? How the h*ll did that happen? Was it a secret? No one knew what she was doing with her time? Why's it a problem now that she's legal? I don't think the marriage is a good idea, but, hey, everyone's been living with their relationship up 'till now. It's not going to make sense to her that there are objections now that they're making it "societally legal/acceptable".

 

[Scrapster]

Certainly I'm going to talk to her. It better not be too late. Just hope she takes what I say with an open mind.

 

[Cheapster]

Hey The_good_guy in a lot of marriages they don't even ask that!

 

[Xede]

I don't think they say the "If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace" line in most weddings any more. It's a shame. I want them to say it when I get married--it's one of the coolest parts. Everybody gets to look around, it's kind of tense...

 

[Pennstate]

Cheapster: Are you the BF?

 

[Cheapster]

Pennstate, too funny I must disclose that I am in the same age range, and don't mind those early 20's for myself. I figure I'll have to deal with a brother like him one day or another, I'll be ready though.

 

[goog40]

A 27 year old going out with a 16 year old is so f*cking messed up right there.

Did she get along well with your father?

 

[FrontlineWarrior]

if you were a caring brother you wouldn't just allow your sister to get married and find out for herself whether it was a good or bad decision. you will make damn sure she IS in fact making the right decision... how you achieve that is up to you. have fun!

 

[Cheapster]

make damn sure she IS in fact making the right decision

WOW, who the hell is anybody else to guarantee that a relationship is good and therefore ordained by you to go forward? Putting your questions out to the couple is all you have the right to do. Anything else will only cause the relationship with both of them to suffer.

Does that mean if they were both 30 you should make damn sure she IS in fact making the right decision, hell no!

 

[FrontlineWarrior]

ok I was more implying "make sure she knows she is making the right decision", however, I'm not letting go to the possibility that she might not really know what she's doing either. So in that case, I'm saying that it's his job to make sure she knows what she's doing.

next time try not to be so defensive about "it's my life"

I guess I was reacting to the 2nd post about letting her do her thing and letting her figure it out herself and all. All I'm saying is that while that sounds idealistically good, practically it's not so wise. Our culture values marriage as a fairly meaningful thing. As a caring sibling you don't just allow your sister to act foolishly and let her deal with the pain. That's almost like letting someone drink and drive, figuring, it's their life, who am I to mettle, if something goes wrong then they'll learn from their mistakes. No, that's not how life goes. If you see someone driving drunk you stop them from driving or prevent them from driving. Now don't get all excited because I'm relating drunk driving to marriage. I'm not. I'm relating the two because both events can possibly change a person's life for good, and you don't just allow people to make big mistakes if you really care for them.

I realize the ultimate decision is hers, and it very may well be a good, thought out one. All I'm saying is that as a brother who cares for her, you should make sure she knows what she's doing. If that's politically incorrect then politics is suck.

 

[KevinH]

Agree with Cheapster a hundred percent. "allow your sister to get married...". That's a bit much isn't it Dirf?

I have a kid sister whose around that age and if I were in your shoes, the ONLY option I have is to talk to her and give her support in whatever SHE decides.

You're her brother dude, and I feel for yah, but you gotta realize, she's an adult now. A good brother is one who is supportive and caring and certainly not some overbearing watchdog.

 

[FrontlineWarrior]

don't get me wrong... the ultimate decision is hers. BUT, if she's obviously making a poor decision that she is unwilling to see the obviousness of, then... well I'll leave that to Scrapster to decide. I don't think we're talking about anything along the lines of such hypothetical extremes here though. all i'm saying is that it's his job to be as involved without crossing the line.

ok now back to the hypothetical (not related to Scrapster's case):
if someone is completely wasted and is getting his keys to drive, do you
1. decide that he is free to do whatever he wants and let him drive drunk (assuming that you can't convince him otherwise)
2. take away his right to choose driving recklessly drunk for his own good by taking his keys.

Taking away someone's rights for their own good sounds evil like big brother or something, but remember, it's what parents have done FOR us all these years.

 

[Losty]

Getting married at such a young age...how long has she been with this guy? can't be more than a year ... or he'd be ... well ... lets say he shouldn't have been with her more than a year...anyhow...i dont' think they would know each other long enough to understand the true meaning of marriage and their true feelings...i've been iwth my girl for 3 years and yet i still learn things about her i don't know of...things change...marriage is a serious matter...

i'd be pretty numb myself if my 19year old sister announced it...well depends on the other guy...but i'd prolly not like him very well...

good luck with the situation...
(can't really do much)

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

There's been lots of good advice already given here, so I'll just add a couple of things that came to mind rather than subjecting you to a full lecture.

Scrapster, first of all - you are taking on way too much responsibility for how your sister grew up. I don't mean that you shouldn't feel a sense of responsibility and protectiveness towards her, but don't think for a second that you should have somehow been off parenting her rather than living your own life.

"Concentrating on your own crap" is a good thing, when balanced with maintaining your relationship with your sister - and it sounds like you've done that. You're not required to be there, holding her hand and guiding her through life 24/7. You do the best you can with what skills you've got, and you have to depend on the other person growing up and taking care of themselves to some extent. It's a bad analogy, but it's like when my son has some especially difficult homework - my instinct is to help him do it, but the purpose of the lesson is to make sure he can help himself do it. While you may want to be there to help her make the "right" decisions, at some point she needs to be able to make them herself - and if she's working towards a GED, working 2 jobs, then she's obviously working to do that. She's not sitting on her butt being lazy, so it sounds like she's got a decent start on acting like an adult.

As far as the b/f goes, you can't tell her not to marry this guy. But you can tell her that you love her, and that she doesn't need to get married to "have" someone, if you know what I mean. Maybe one of the reason's she's marrying him so young is because she's afraid her life isn't going anywhere, and at least getting married means she'll have someone to be with, to take care of her. You can offer her advice and a shoulder to cry or lean on, but in the end, she's legally an adult and can do whatever she wants to with this guy. It won't help the situation to come down on her or to tell her she's making a bad choice. The best thing you can do as a brother is to just be there for her when she needs you - and if your instincts about this guy are correct, she will need you.

I guess after all that typing, my advice is still pretty simple. Let her know you love her, that you're afraid she's getting married too young, listen to her feelings about it, and then tell her whatever her decision is, you'll support her as best you can and if she needs you, she can always call you.

Good luck, Scrapster.

 

[Missus]

<<<I don't know what to do. Should I just suck it up? I don't know if I could stop her, or if I should. I feel really lost right now. >>>

It is a hard situation...

What I would do is treat her like an adult and let her make her own decision... If it works out great... If it falls apart be there with a ready shoulder...

I am not telling you what you should do.... Obviously you have to do what you think is best for you and your sis...

Good Luck!!

 

[ArkAoss]

hmm, well my bro went to school with a guy, and he married a girl thats like 30. and hes like only 21 now... But it really depends on how mature the people involved are.

Scrap if the 30 yr old is less mature than normal for his age, and/or your sis is over mature, it might work out.

I've found that it doesn't matter how old a girl is, I look for qualities that generally relate to maturity, and I've found that I prefer more mature girls than most guys my age. Its impossibly dificult to find a girl my age thats as mature as what I feel comfortable with, but I found her, and things are looking very good.

Hope fully in your sisters case she's overly mature enough to handle the guy.

but what are your parents saying about this? they have no qualms???

 

[Ferocious]

Any 30 year old wanting to 'marry' any 19 year old should have his or her head examined.

Sorry to say but this marriage will most likely fail.

 

[bcterps]

Hmm, I think its fine that they want to get married, but what is the rush to do it in the next few weeks? I'll assume that both people here are mature adults, why not ask your sister to at least give herself a couple of months to plan the wedding.

Yes it does concern me that they have been dating since she was 16. That should be a red flag already. No 27 year old should be dating a 16 year old, period. That is wrong, illegal, and immoral, at least in my opinion. He should know better.

There really should be no rush for them to get married, maybe they delay it a bit everyone will get a better idea of whether this is a good thing or not.

--Ben

 

[classy]

You are getting all up in arms over nothing. It doesn't matter when she started seeing him. She is a grown woman now. And he is only 10-11 years older. Its really not as bad as you think. When she is 30 and he's 40 no one think anything of it. While 19 or 20 is young to be getting married its not outlandish either. And for some of you guys to encourage this selfish brother of hers to try and break them up is wrong. For all you or I know this could be her perfect mate. If it fails it should be because of those two and not some mendling family member. If you really love your sister you'll mind your own business and be happy that she's happy. And try to get to know your brother inlaw instead of judging him. Sheesh, give them a chance!

 

[whatsherface]

your sister won't listen to you. can you talk to the guy?

 

[BoberFett]

I got married when I was 19. That's a bad thing. A very, very bad thing.

 

[tim0thy]

oh damn. personally, i think a 26 year old dating a 16 year old is majorly fscked up. however, i do know a girl that is 21 dating someone that's 30 and they get along well and everything. however, she's really strong minded and knows what she wants in her life.

i'm not saying your sister doesn't know what she wants, but she has a GED and working two jobs! i think she should worry about herself (future) and go to college before tackling motherhood. granted, the guy can support her, but c'mon.

Quoted from Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free
&quot;... don't expect anyone else to support you. maybe you have a trust fund. maybe you have a wealthy spouse. but you never know when either one might run out.&quot;

and i would have a talk with the guy. if he ever leaves her, i'm going to kick this ()*((@)()_% out of him. but that's my way of handling this.

don't worry about what you did in your life so far. you can't change it, so worry about present and future. if she still gets married to him, there's nothing you can do but be there for her in the future and to kick the ()&amp;&amp;*()%@@ out of him of course.

much luck to you.