I am really hurting and dont know what to do

[GrantMeThePower]

My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year and a half. I've had about 5 serious relationships in the past (serious means long term). This one was different.

I knew it was great. Everything has been perfect. No fights, nothing. We've taken two different vacations together. We got a dog. I thought we were going to get married. She lived with me over the summer before moving 20 minutes away for school.

And therein lies the problem. I'm 26 and she's 20.

She's at the point in her life where she wants to be single now. She wants independence. She sees her whole life in front of her and wants to change the world.

She told me she wants to breakup.

We talked all night last night and i told her that I can give her the freedom she needs and the ability to be herself. I'm not being controlling. I told her that I can give her space and that she can grow and that we can grow. I told her, for the sake of all we've gone through, and for the sake of how much we love eachother (she really cares about me, but there just isn't much room in her life for me right now) that its worht it to give it another try.

She didn't think she could, but after lots of talking we decided to spend New Years together, and then afterwards, i would give her space. We wouldn't 'break up' persay, but she would kind of leave me for a while. I think this is just her seeing an opportunity to end it without me freaking out.

We started this talk on christmas morning. The last three days have been hell. My family is in a bad situation right now with lots of illness and surgurys. My friends are all now either moved away or in very serious relaitonships. I used to rock climb a lot but i broke a few fingers on my hand and it kills me to climb. I can't take care of the dog by myself. I don't know what to do. I keep crying- and i'm not a crier, the only other time in recent memory is when my dad had a heart attack. I haven't eaten since the 24th. I have trouble sleeping. I feel like I can't deal. And, like i've said, i've dealt with heartbreak and break ups and stuff. But this is to an end that I can't even fathom. I keep having panic and anxiety attacks.

I know that this probably isn't the most supportive site in the world. but its really the only one i contribute to and I dont' know what to do or where to go. I'm so sad and i'm so scared.

I'm sorry for posting this emo bullshit but i never thought this would happen.

 

[imported_Mike]

There is someone else. Sorry bro, go get some booze.

 

[moshquerade]

first, get ahold of yourself, and realize you will survive this. secondly, don't make yourself ill over this - take care of #1 - YOU!

also, give her space and not a guilt trip. she is only 20 years old, and if it really was/is that good between you she may come back if you don't act all pathetic and needy.

you must have a friend or family member who has a shoulder you can lean on. utilize them. things will get better. trust me.

 

[Balt]

Well I hate to kick you while you're down, but... what she is doing is absolutely typical for her age. In fact, I'm surprised she lasted for a year and half.

Maybe it will work out eventually, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to get past the whole college experience. That could take a while.

 

[maximus maximus]

I can feel your pain... I posted a similar thread a few hours back.

Gals... why do you break our hearts?

 

[chrisms]

Once she loses interest, its over. I just went through something really similar and had the same reaction to the same reasons she gave me, until a day later when I realized it had to end.

In my situation we were both 20, but it is understandable for her to want independence. It's over so stop trying to hold onto it. The next time you talk to her agree that you shouldn't try to keep it going, maybe even be a jackass a little bit just to make sure you have no choice but to seperate from her. The most important thing is to stop trying to save the relationship because it is dead. You are going to be stuck in the worst part of the breakup for as long as you try to save it. She knows it is over and probably just doesn't have the heart to tell you straight out, instead letting you try to convince her to change her mind.

Like I said, when she loses interest, it is over for good. At this point your first step is to first end it completely and second occupy your mind with friends, hobbies, or whatever until time heals the wound.

 

[yowolabi]

The only thing I can really say is that this temporary breakup plan is only going to extend your pain for longer. She has not changed her mind.... she has simply said she would because it's hard for her to hurt you. You need to go back to her and tell her that you want to hold onto her, but you understand she doesn't see you in her life and you accept that.

Then you have to let her go completely, not call her or anything. There's a small chance that without you in her life she'll realize how necessary you are, there's a better chance that it will just be over. Either way it'll be more honest than your current plan, and you can at least start the healing process. If you beg and argue and get her to stay with you out of pity, she will grow to hate you and will start lying to you.

 

[wheresmybacon]

First of all eat some food. Your brain will do weird things to you if you're starving. Anxiety and panic attacks are some of those things.

Next, let your ex go. LET HER GO. She told you she wants to be alone, did she not? If anything, you wanting to hang on to whatever emotional scraps she'll throw you on New Years will turn her off even more. The balance of power is completely messed up. I don't see how you would want to spend anymore time with her after she took a sh!t on you on Crhistmas day.

Finally, call your friends. Hang out with them. Make plans to do something fun/crazy on New Years. Get out of your house. Often. Keep active and you'll feel a little better every day. I know that's hard to see now but time is the only thing that's going to heal you.

 

[SagaLore]

Do NOT force her into marrying you because its convenient.

I'm sorry, but this will not end well. If in a few years she doesn't hook up with someone else, she might come back. But by then you may be with someone else as well.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: moshquerade
first, get ahold of yourself, and realize you will survive this. secondly, don't make yourself ill over this - take care of #1 - YOU!

also, give her space and not a guilt trip. she is only 20 years old, and if it really was/is that good between you she may come back if you don't act all pathetic and needy.

you must have a friend or family member who has a shoulder you can lean on. utilize them. things will get better. trust me.

Agreed. You need to just move on with life and try to stop thinking about her. It will take time but that is what you need to do.

I wouldn't bother trying to spend more time with her though, that will just prolong the pain. Make a clean break and don't call her or try to see her anymore.

 

[MisterJackson]

chrisms is right. Quit trying to hold on. Cancel New Years plans NOW. I know that'll be hard to let go of, but you're holding on in hopes she'll change her mind and she most likely, change that, WILL NOT change her mind. Not anytime soon anyway.

If you drag this out it's only going to make it that much harder on you and you'll continue to feel like this. Once you severe the ties (let her go for good), only then can you begin to heal.

Just so you know too, you say:

i told her that I can give her the freedom she needs and the ability to be herself. I'm not being controlling. I told her that I can give her space and that she can grow and that we can grow.

None of that is real man. You're not letting her do anything. She's gonna do it with or without your permission. If you put it to her like that she may drag this out and give you false signs of hope out of pity or remorse.

It's hard to hear man, but it's life.

 

[hellokeith]

You can't even take care of yourself, what makes you think you can take care of an innocent pet or be keen-minded enough to wait around for the girl?

Let her go and cut the dog loose. Never think about either of them again. In 6-12 months, you'll be back on your feet and wake up one day and realize you haven't thought about her in a while, and your life is good again.

Sorry, but time is way too precious to waste it waiting around for other people who will 9 times out of 10 let you down.

 

[GrantMeThePower]

These responses are exactly what i was worried about. Not that you aren't trying to be helpful. But i just can't let her go. Not when i feel i might be able to hold on.

Hope is so powerful. I just need a little fvcking hope. God, i want this to work so badly. And it can. She just needs to grow up a bit.

WHy couldn't she grow up and not break up.

 

[BudAshes]

She's 20 and in college. And you really thought she was ready to marry you?

Well maybe you should have seen it coming, but this sh!t happens to the best of us.

If you are really that good together she will probably come back to you, but in the mean time id recomend smoking as much weed as possible playing lots of video games, getting a gym membership(working out is great stress relief) and getting rid of the dog. It will just remind you of her and be a pain in the ass.

 

[GrantMeThePower]

How can I get rid of the dog? It is a good, loving, dog. It can't just be gotten rid of.

 

[ghost recon88]

I just went through something a little similar, and I still have a hard time accepting it's over. If it's meant to be, she'll want you back shortly. If she doesn't, well then, question answered. One of the worst things I learned, is that no matter the urge to converse with her, either online or on a phone, don't! It will just keep giving you false hope, and make you feel even more devastated and saddened.

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
These responses are exactly what i was worried about. Not that you aren't trying to be helpful. But i just can't let her go. Not when i feel i might be able to hold on.

Hope is so powerful. I just need a little fvcking hope. God, i want this to work so badly. And it can. She just needs to grow up a bit.

WHy couldn't she grow up and not break up.

I gave you the best advice I can. If you want to continue doing what you are then you'll continue feeling how you are. Just about everything everyone has said here is right, and it comes down to you understanding that it is over and cutting off all contact with her.

As the police always say to jumpers, "B!tch ain't worth it man."

 

[GrantMeThePower]

Originally posted by: ghost recon88
I just went through something a little similar, and I still have a hard time accepting it's over. If it's meant to be, she'll want you back shortly. If she doesn't, well then, question answered. One of the worst things I learned, is that no matter the urge to converse with her, either online or on a phone, don't! It will just keep giving you false hope, and make you feel even more devastated and saddened.

Well if you dont converse at all, then how do you get back together?

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
These responses are exactly what i was worried about. Not that you aren't trying to be helpful. But i just can't let her go. Not when i feel i might be able to hold on.

Hope is so powerful. I just need a little fvcking hope. God, i want this to work so badly. And it can. She just needs to grow up a bit.

WHy couldn't she grow up and not break up.

It may not be what you want to hear but we've all been through this and it is the best thing for you to just stop seeing her. You need to accept that she's gone and start trying to move on with your life.

Sorry to say it, but it's a pretty good bet she's already found someone else. You've got to let her go.

 

[andy04]

Last Christmas I gave you my heart....

Get over it buddy... she needs a change nothing can stop her

 

[GrantMeThePower]

Let me add one thing that i see i didn't write in the opening post. She said she wanted to break up, but that she wanted to grow as friends and then hopefully get back together. She says that she wants to be with me eventually but that she needs to mature.

That is why i think we dont need to break up. Because she CAN grow and she can have everything she wants. It doens't have to be like that. She can be more self aware of the things that are important in life. Love and someone close to you IS important. And what we have is very special.

 

[ghost recon88]

It's up to the person who broke it off, to reinitiate it. Obviously, she's the one that wanted to end it, so it's 100% her choice if it's gonna restart.

 

[yowolabi]

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
These responses are exactly what i was worried about. Not that you aren't trying to be helpful. But i just can't let her go. Not when i feel i might be able to hold on.

Have you ever broken up with a girl? When she kept calling you and trying to get you to change your mind, or shown up at your door crying...... did that make you want her more or less? In the history of mankind I don't think anyone was able to argue somebody into loving them again.

There is only 1 chance that you have with her and that is at least to PRETEND to let her go and give her a chance to think of you as the strong man that might forgive her and take her back. The needy boy that constantly hangs around and makes her feel like a captive, will only drive her away permanently. Yes, i'm being intentionally harsh because you need to hear it. I think you posted here knowing you were going to get the harsh truth, and now 100% of the posters have given it. Please listen.

Edit: Your updates don't change anything. I can't believe you've had 4 previous long term relationships and don't recognize girl speak for "i'm too nice to tell you it's over and i'm also a little scared that things will go horribly wrong in the future, so I want you to hang around as a back-up plan and to make me feel better about my decision".

 

[Balt]

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
Let me add one thing that i see i didn't write in the opening post. She said she wanted to break up, but that she wanted to grow as friends and then hopefully get back together. She says that she wants to be with me eventually but that she needs to mature.

Translation: She wants to see other people, but she doesn't want YOU to see other people. Just in case she needs something to fall back on.

It's over, bud. Cut off all ties and do your best to move on. It's honestly the best thing you can do for yourself, even if it's the most painful in the short term.

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
Let me add one thing that i see i didn't write in the opening post. She said she wanted to break up, but that she wanted to grow as friends and then hopefully get back together. She says that she wants to be with me eventually but that she needs to mature.

That is why i think we dont need to break up. Because she CAN grow and she can have everything she wants. It doens't have to be like that. She can be more self aware of the things that are important in life. Love and someone close to you IS important. And what we have is very special.

Now I've tried to be nice this whole time but I'll be kind of blunt here. She wants to break up, keep in touch with you, and maybe get back together later?

So she gets to screw other guys for a few months, and if she doesn't find one good enough she comes back to you. Until she gets sick of you again. It's over, accept it.

I don't believe you've ever broken up with a girl. Don't tell me about "very special" because me and the girl I broke up with were basically attached at the hip for 14 months, 3 of which were spent travelling around the world. That doesn't stop the fact that this stuff happens and you have to move on. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

I'm done with this thread.. you are destined to a year or more of intense pain because of the mindset you have about this whole situation. I can't imagine how I'd be feeling right now if I'd been begging her to get back together with me for the past month.