I am really hurting and dont know what to do

[Whisper]

It's a rough place that you're in now, and as others have said, many of us (possibly even you) have been there--or close to it--before. But in all honesty, 20- and 26-year-olds, regardless of the individuals, really are in two different places in their lives. Let her go, and don't try to hold onto anything. The more you struggle and attempt to convince her to do so, the more you're going to push her away. This is something she needs to see/learn on her own; you attempting to "give her space" and be there for her throughout will only make things worse. Trust me, I know.

Beyond that, at 26, you're exactly the same age as me...and while I'm in graduate school, I'd say we're in similar situations. That being said, I definitely don't feel locked in, or as though the world is closed to me, and neither should you. However, I can empathize, as I felt the same way after my last break-up. Do anything you can to get your mind off of her; hang out with friends, go to the gym, read, drive, listen to music, anything. Realize that none of it will be 100% effective, but it's a helluvalot better than sitting around at home, reliving the memories of the past year and a half.

There's plenty out there for you to do and see, and at 26, maybe you should just focus on yourself for a while. Then, when the time is right, you can work on finding someone to accompany you through your life.

 

[OVerLoRDI]

Time heals everything. Just relax it isn't the end of the world. Go do something fun with your friends.

 

[SoundTheSurrender]

Don't be friends with her, cut her off.

 

[stars]

Surround yourself with real friends - people that have nothing to gain by your presence in their life because theyre usually the only people that will never lie you and help you the most. End all communication with her and watch your clock. Time will mend most wounds.

 

[Eeezee]

She may love you, but she loves sleeping with other dudes more. Time to move on, girls like that tend to ruin themselves

 

[ghost recon88]

Originally posted by: arrfep

Originally posted by: Balt

Originally posted by: GrantMeThePower
Let me add one thing that i see i didn't write in the opening post. She said she wanted to break up, but that she wanted to grow as friends and then hopefully get back together. She says that she wants to be with me eventually but that she needs to mature.

Translation: She wants to see other people, but she doesn't want YOU to see other people. Just in case she needs something to fall back on.

It's over, bud. Cut off all ties and do your best to move on. It's honestly the best thing you can do for yourself, even if it's the most painful in the short term.

I think I agree with this. I was in and out of this type of thing for a long time and the end result was not good. We split up with that whole highschooler mentality of "well maybe after college it will work out." And yeah, I think there were two parts to that thinking.

1.) She wants to be with other people. Physically or emotionally, whatever. People need
try different things before they can make a decision.

Yeah, it hurts. Let's be frank. Think about the fact that your girlfriend will sleep with someone else. One of the worst feelings ever...because it is a pain that you think you can prevent. The thing you need to understand is that you cannont prevent it. You cannot do anything about this. A surefire way to get someone to defy you is to try harder to restrain them.


2.) We both needed to grow.

You might not realize it now since you seem pretty set in your ways, and you seem to think your life is already decided because you have a job and a house and few outlets to meet people, but perhaps you need to do some growing as well. And it's not the type of thing that you can self analyze and say "Oh, I need to improve myself in this area." It's a journey you go on not becuause you have a reason to do so, it's a journey you go on to find the reason why you're going on the journey. If that makes sense.


So anyway. There was a split near the end of the summer before freshman year of college. The initial pain went away after a week. I was back to normal and interested in other girls by Christmas. We didn't talk much. Hooked up for the following summer. And it was awesome, but did not last. She got into a serious relationship for the last three years of college. There was always a dull ache, you know. You don't think about it all the time, but once in a while it bugs you that this didn't work out.

After college, we did get back together. This time, I was in the best shape of my life, I was happier than in HS, maybe more "dangerous," or whatever. i.e. a more attractive package than 4 years before. So we were together for another 6 months. And you know what...it didn't work. We'd changed.

We still hang out. We still sometimes hook up. I know. It's screwed up. Sometimes it really, really hurts when I think about it not working out. But most times I realize that it never would have worked out.

What is the point of this? LOL...guess it's the long way of saying "you cannot do anything about this situation." Cut the ties. Plenty of us have been in this situation. The best way is to cut ties.

I've always thought there were two main courses of action, each with two possible outcomes, for this type of situation.

ACTION 1: Give here excessive attention. i.e. Be the Super boyfriend, the one every girl wants.
OUTCOME 1A: She gets really sick of you smothering her and this makes matters worse, and things deteriorate into nothing. FAIL.
OUTCOME 1B: She feels bad and decides to try and make it work. You live in an awkard, forced relationship that will be unstable because she will always think about never having gotten to try something else when she wanted. You'll rationalize that it's good, but FAIL.

ACTION 2: Cut off absolutely all contact
OUTCOME 2A: You and her never talk again. End of story. Some would say that's a win, some would say that's a loss.
OUTCOME 2B: You and her don't talk for awhile. You make contact after she's "grown." She brings something new to the table. Realizes how good you were. Make lots of babies. Profit.


There is only one course of action, and it has been repeated here many times in many threads. If she wants space, put the fvckin Milky Way between the two of you.

This man speakith the truth!