I feel a huge panic attack coming on. :(

[amdhunter]

About three weeks ago, my father died. He was someone I talked to every single day, and we were more like best friends than father-son. I loved the guy more than he knew, and I am sure he knew it.

Ever since then, I am having a really hard time coping. I can't sleep, and can't concentrate on anything except a fucking PSP. I don't know why, I don't usually game for longer than 2 minutes lately, but I've logged 40+ hours playing Star Ocean in less than a week. I have the urge to just break it across my face.

I've lost interest in everything. I don't want to go to the gym, I hate my car, I hate everything I liked. The other day I had the urge to crash it into a wall - not to hurt myself, but just to crash it. I can't stand anything anymore. Everything reminds me of him.

I thought I was OK, but I think as shock is wearing off, I am starting to have small panic attacks. I can't lie down at night without my heart trying to break through my chest - and even know as I sit in my work cafeteria typing on my laptop, I feel like there is a ton of weight on me. I'm taking lunch late so that I can be alone for a bit.

Also, I can't stop going to the bathroom for whatever reason. I usually go twice a day, now I'm going maybe 5-10 times a day. Most of it is productive, but I am worried about how quickly food is passing through me. I caught myself trembling last week.

I don't feel overly stressed, but there are moments I'm getting flashes and forget to breathe - I am hoping I don't break down at work and embarrass myself.

Ugh - anyone have any ideas on what to do? I don't have many people I want to talk to. I'm not one to share feelings. I don't think I need a doctor, but I am having a tough time relaxing. I'm not feeling suicidal guys, just a little destructive. :\

Please forgive me if I don't respond back. Even posting threads here is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought.

This is the first death I've had to deal with. It was a really big one too.

 

[PrayForDeath]

I would consider taking a few days off of work, and doing something new that would distract you. Visit another city maybe, or practice a hobby.

And definitely talk to someone, friend, family, or a psychiatrist. I tend to keep my feelings to myself and rarely open up to anyone, just like you. But when I do talk, I feel much more at ease.

 

[SociallyChallenged]

First of all, let me saw - I'm so sorry that you've got to experience this. Coping with the loss of a fantastic parent is a grief that most will never know. What you're feeling and saying is normal, but excessive. You should try to find people you can talk to about it. I know it's one thing you want to avoid at all costs, but knowing that your friends are there for you and being able to vocalize your feeling is powerful and soothing. Don't try to bury yourself into anything - gaming, girls, boozes, drugs. Do things that you would normally do and in their normal amounts. If you have the opportunity, also try to spend time with people who knew and appreciated your father. That cohesion creates a sense of unity. Overall, you're grieving. It's a very hard, awkward, and scary process. If nothing is making you feel better, I wouldn't hesitate to talk to a counselor, psychologist, etc. It's stigmatized, but there's nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it. Again, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It may not mean much, but I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

 

[OILFIELDTRASH]

Do your best to maintain in normal settings. Other than that it will be something you will always live with but will get bearable over time.
Just don't do anything stupid. Go visit your mom if she's still around.

 

[Kyle]

So sorry for your loss...if you don't have anyone to talk to I'd really really suggest finding a counselor/psychologist to help you through this.

 

[amdhunter]

Thanks guys. I thought I was OK, but it's getting worse as time passes. I thought it would only get better.

I think I'll be OK, but the feeling of weight over me is becoming overwhelming. I took a lot of time off work, and I feel better here. It's funny because I haven't been so productive in years. I literally picked up a broom and started cleaning my workspace. My co-workers are like WTF.

I'm hoping to get over this so I can move on. I've put off looking for a new place - I am going to prioritize that in the next few weeks. I think I need a change of scenery. It just depresses me to go home. My parents live in the same building as I do. I can't stand looking at my mother, it makes me want to die. My brother's moved in with her, but that isn't helping at all.

 

[tHa ShIzNiT]

sorry to hear that man. I really hope i'm older and more mature when my folks die, because i dont think I could handle it right now.

I dont know if this is the correct advice or not but when I'm feeling really low, I just try to do something that I would really enjoy. And if I have to spend a little of my hard earned and hard saved cash, so be it. I generally eat very healthy and save as much as possible...but on those days maybe I'll go get a really delicious dinner like a filet mignon or something at Ruth's Chris with mashed potatoes and dessert. Maybe that will only make you feel better for a short time but at least that's something...something to look forward to in life.

 

[blackdogdeek]

So sorry for your loss.

With all the symptoms you've described I would have gone to see my doctor; at the very least to get a referral for a psychiatrist/therapist.

 

[amdhunter]

sorry to hear that man. I really hope i'm older and more mature when my folks die, because i dont think I could handle it right now.

I dont know if this is the correct advice or not but when I'm feeling really low, I just try to do something that I would really enjoy. And if I have to spend a little of my hard earned and hard saved cash, so be it. I generally eat very healthy and save as much as possible...but on those days maybe I'll go get a really delicious dinner like a filet mignon or something at Ruth's Chris with mashed potatoes and dessert. Maybe that will only make you feel better for a short time but at least that's something...something to look forward to in life.

Literally 2 days prior I was in a Subaru dealership getting ready to trade in my car for an STi Sedan. I keep making jokes with my friends that I am going to do that to make me feel better.

The only thing that hurts is that my father won't be there for me show it to him. Ugh. I hope I get over this soon. It's cramping my style.

I'm glad I am self-sufficient - I couldn't imagine how hard it would be for someone young and dependent on a parent.

 

[TallBill]

Have you tried exercise at all? A run or fast walk could help. I'll clear my head with a good gym session. Never had to deal with anything like what you're going through though.

 

[tHa ShIzNiT]

Literally 2 days prior I was in a Subaru dealership getting ready to trade in my car for an STi Sedan. I keep making jokes with my friends that I am going to do that to make me feel better.

The only thing that hurts is that my father won't be there for me show it to him. Ugh. I hope I get over this soon. It's cramping my style.

I'm glad I am self-sufficient - I couldn't imagine how hard it would be for someone young and dependent on a parent.

i'd honestly look into it man. see if you can handle the extra payments that will come with that type of decision...but if you really think thats gonna make you feel better overall I would seriously consider it. I mean...i'd hate to say you should make a bad decision based on how you feel...but if you think you can afford it and whatnot I'd look into it.

the reason I say that though...I'm going through a semi-mid-life crisis right now with my honda fit. I really want to trade it in for something fast. I've never had a fast car and I really want one. But I just dont want to pay ANY money for anything. I'm super stingy. But honestly if something like this happened to me I could see myself just biting the bullet and doing it. I'm over 30 now and I feel like time is slipping away with me not living the way I want to live. the saying "yolo" is obviously tossed around ridiculously nowadays, but when you're depressed you have to snap yourself out of it somehow.

also, like tallbill says I would highly recommend exercise...eventually at least. if you go for a jog you really have time to think and put your thoughts together. I get some of my best thinking done while running.

 

[jaedaliu]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent.

Playing your PSP, going to work, these are distracting you from the pain of your father passing away.

It's good that you're posting about it and how you feel. I'm sure your brother and mother both feel the same way. I think you should spend some time with them, living a normal life. You can (or might decide not to) talk about your father, or anything, or nothing. Just being with family that you love should help you get better.

From the sounds of it, you're incredibly stressed. Even if you don't feel it all the time, but GI distress is a common symptom of high levels of stress. If you're having problems sleeping or other things, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor for some help. But first, I think spending time with family and friends will let you start to heal.

 

[Sheep221]

I'm sorry for your loss, but you have to visit psychiatrist, don't be afraid of them, don't let yourself get haunted.

 

[Charles Kozierok]

Sorry to hear about this. Sounds like a really difficult loss.

You're feeling all those things because you're grieving. With someone close, it can take a long time to get back to normal.

Give yourself a break and some personal space. If you feel like playing video games, play them. If there's someone IRL you can confide in, share how you're feeling. Most of all, give it time. It will get better.

 

[amdhunter]

Have you tried exercise at all? A run or fast walk could help. I'll clear my head with a good gym session. Never had to deal with anything like what you're going through though.

I haven't tried. I am planning to give it a go on Thursday. I am going out Saturday night and am hoping I can tighten up a little bit before then.

 

[amdhunter]

i'd honestly look into it man. see if you can handle the extra payments that will come with that type of decision...but if you really think thats gonna make you feel better overall I would seriously consider it. I mean...i'd hate to say you should make a bad decision based on how you feel...but if you think you can afford it and whatnot I'd look into it.

the reason I say that though...I'm going through a semi-mid-life crisis right now with my honda fit. I really want to trade it in for something fast. I've never had a fast car and I really want one. But I just dont want to pay ANY money for anything. I'm super stingy. But honestly if something like this happened to me I could see myself just biting the bullet and doing it. I'm over 30 now and I feel like time is slipping away with me not living the way I want to live. the saying "yolo" is obviously tossed around ridiculously nowadays, but when you're depressed you have to snap yourself out of it somehow.

also, like tallbill says I would highly recommend exercise...eventually at least. if you go for a jog you really have time to think and put your thoughts together. I get some of my best thinking done while running.

I am going to make my next big purchase a nice co-op somewhere. I'm going to find a new agent this weekend. I think it's time for me to kickstart my life a little bit.

I'm sure I'll be OK. I just need to do something.

 

[amdhunter]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent.

Playing your PSP, going to work, these are distracting you from the pain of your father passing away.

It's good that you're posting about it and how you feel. I'm sure your brother and mother both feel the same way. I think you should spend some time with them, living a normal life. You can (or might decide not to) talk about your father, or anything, or nothing. Just being with family that you love should help you get better.

From the sounds of it, you're incredibly stressed. Even if you don't feel it all the time, but GI distress is a common symptom of high levels of stress. If you're having problems sleeping or other things, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor for some help. But first, I think spending time with family and friends will let you start to heal.

I don't feel as much stressed as angry. I just want to break stuff. The PSP thing is weird, but it gets my mind off of reality for a bit. Spending time with family depresses me further. I'm the only kid that never got a wife or kids; I preferred the bachelors life, and it's kind of annoying that my father never seen a grandson from me. I feel like I disappointed him when I hang out with family.

 

[amdhunter]

I'm sorry for your loss, but you have to visit psychiatrist, don't be afraid of them, don't let yourself get haunted.

Haunted is indeed a good word for it.

 

[amdhunter]

Sorry to hear about this. Sounds like a really difficult loss.

You're feeling all those things because you're grieving. With someone close, it can take a long time to get back to normal.

Give yourself a break and some personal space. If you feel like playing video games, play them. If there's someone IRL you can confide in, share how you're feeling. Most of all, give it time. It will get better.

Thanks. Posting here actually made me feel a bit better.

 

[purbeast0]

im sorry for your loss man. i too suffered the same thing when my dad passed away almost 3.5 years ago.

the night he died i couldn't sleep and was getting panic attacks while trying to sleep. i had never experienced anything like that before and it scared me but i was too upset to really care or do anything about it.

4-5 months later i started to have panic attacks in the middle of the night. i'd either be asleep or JUST about to fall asleep. to be honest, the first one scared the shit out of me and i nearly went to the emergency room.

i ended up going to the doctors about it and told him when it happened, and he told me that it is something that is common in the situation that i had. he prescribed me xanax which did help, and i would only take it right after i had an attack.

well off and on the past 3 years i have them randomly still. i don't really know why. i don't take any medicine either for it anymore, i just kind of control it with slow deep breaths and tell myself that i know it is in my head, and it seems to go away.

mine 99% of the time come at night though when i'm trying to sleep, and it sucks because i've had restless nights because of it. then the next day, when i'm going to sleep, i think about it, and it causes more that night as well. it is like an endless cycle that eventually stops happening, then weeks later it may happen again.

i'm pretty sure it is related to stress though. i never really feel stressed, but i remember my dad telling me (he was a doctor too) that different people release stress different ways. i had chest pains prior to his death and really no one could find anything wrong, and that is when he explained how stress release can be very weird and different. it is odd though because i work out regularly and figured that would relieve my stress, but apparently i don't think it did.

when you do get them, just try to take really long, controlled, slow breaths and tell yourself that it is all in your head. it may sound weird, but this helps me 100% of the time. i used to get the "heart pounding out of your chest" feeling like back to back to back. i'd get one, it would go away, and come right back. but now that i can somewhat control it, i never get them back to back like that. additionally, usually as i feel one coming on, it feels like my whole body starts to tremble. when i feel that, i start to try and control it.

good luck man and again sorry for your loss, i know exactly what you are going through

EDIT:

and as far as grieving goes, the few pieces of advice i can give you is to be with family as much as you can, and if you want to cry, just let it out. do not hold it back at all. i also found it helpful to cry with family because after we were all sad, we would then be happy together and talk about good times with my dad. to this day usually every time i go visit my step mom, when we're having some drinks at night we always end up crying our eyes out. and to be honest, it feels good.

i also watch a dvd that i made for his wake like every couple months and usually cry a bit too, and again, it feels good. usually when i watch it, it's because i've been thinking and missing him around those times, and watching it is kind of a relief and at the end i feel kind of happy knowing that everything is going to be okay and that there is nothing i can do to change that he's gone.

all that may sound weird, but we all cope in different ways.

EDIT 2:

and as with you, this was the first major death i ever had to deal with. and my dad had 10 brothers and sisters so i have a lot of family. everyone just was healthy and living long. my dad died young too, only 57. it was 100% totally out of nowhere and unexpected too. he was literally driving in his neighborhood and died at the wheel from a massive heart attack. everyone thought he was in fine health.

it's also similar how you mention that you are sad that you can't show your car to your dad. shortly after my dad died i switched jobs and since then i've become a lot more successful financially. last year i splurged and bought a new (to me) car that is a luxury car, and the first thing i thought when i got it is how much my dad would have loved the car because it is VERY similar to a type of car he would have bought. it sucks too that he can't see how well i'm doing and see my first home

 

[amdhunter]

<snip>

Thanks. Your post scares the hell out of me. One of my friends also told me the same thing, that he was sad for months, and even to this day, 2 years later, he has moments of when he can't believe what happened and will break down. My father was a father figure to him and his brother too. He helped me get my father to the ambulance when he collapsed.

I don't know what to think. I saw my dads final conscious moments, and then saw him pass away after being taken off life support. I don't think I'll be able to forget that for a very long time.

I know his biggest wish would be for me to make some milestones, and I think I finally feel like I am going to do that. I am hoping his death will make me a better man; but I wish he could be here to see at least one of them.

He was only 69 and a very strong man. Coumadin caused a brain bleed which he never recovered from. I'll never forget how I saw a strong man fall so fast.

 

[purbeast0]

Thanks. Your post scares the hell out of me. One of my friends also told me the same thing, that he was sad for months, and even to this day, 2 years later, he has moments of when he can't believe what happened and will break down. My father was a father figure to him and his brother too. He helped me get my father to the ambulance when he collapsed.

I don't know what to think. I saw my dads final conscious moments, and then saw him pass away after being taken off life support. I don't think I'll be able to forget that for a very long time.

I know his biggest wish would be for me to make some milestones, and I think I finally feel like I am going to do that. I am hoping his death will make me a better man; but I wish he could be here to see at least one of them.

He was only 69 and a very strong man. Coumadin caused a brain bleed which he never recovered from. I'll never forget how I saw a strong man fall so fast.

well i dont' know if this will make you feel any better, but i remember it like i have a picture of it, when i saw my dad in the hospital bed dead. it is just an image i cannot get out of my head and it sucks and i wish i could forget it, but unfortunately i doubt i ever will. to be honest i remember the 4 days or so from when he died to after like it happened yesterday. it sucks. but at the same time i remember all the support and time i spent with family as well which is comforting in a way.

it will get better with time that is for sure, but i personally know i will never forget it. and yeah it sucks, but at the same time i do have my dad on my mind a lot so at least i'm thinking about him and remembering the good times we had.

our "thing" used to be playing golf together. he lived on a golf course and when i would go visit him we normally would go golfing. i haven't golfed since and don't know if i will. i just don't have the desire like i used to when i would go with him and play on the "home" course.

it also sucked big time because he had just got a pool put in his house and he busted his ass at work to keep his house. and when he died, my step mom had to sell the house because she could not afford it. it sucks that my kids will never be able to see the house my dad lived in and where i spent a lot of my childhood.

but things move on and you gotta move on too. it will hurt but it gets better.

 

[iluvdeal]

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. You said you were there for his last conscious moments til he passed. Rather than view that as a downer, maybe try to view the positives of it. What if instead his passing was a sudden thing that happened while you were away? You would not have been with him, you couldn't tell him goodbye, what if he passed away alone? Being surrounded by loved ones must have given him some type of comfort in his final moments. I think it's a blessing you were there for him.

For your panic attacks, you just went through one of the worst things we have to deal with in life, seeing our loved one pass away. Your mind is treating this situation like you are in danger, thus the fight or flight response you are feeling in your panic attacks. The increased HR, shortness of breath, increased need to urinate, etc. are all the result of those chemicals released into your bloodstream prepping you to respond to danger. You don't have to tough this out and just hopes it goes away by itself, that's just guaranteeing you respond the same away again next time life hits you with something. I'm not sure what health plan you are with, but I'd give them a call as most of the major health care providers have specific programs in place to help people overcome panic attacks. Panic is a common response to stress, you aren't alone, utilize the resources available to you. Best of luck.

 

[Whisper]

Very sorry for your loss. My father's in the hospital right now after suffering a stroke, so I can definitely relate to some degree to what you're feeling.

As for the panic, if it persists, talking to a professional could definitely help. Psychotherapy is typically very, very effective in treating panic (generally more so than medication in the long term), assuming it's provided by someone who knows what they're doing.

 

[Dee67]

Here's what's real.

It SUCKS. If you have any relationship with any love with a parent (which you clearly did) it is a huge emptiness that you couldn't have possibly imagined without having gone through it first-hand.

You mentioned that you think your Dad would want you to do milestones. Perhaps. I'd be willing to bet he'd want you to have a good life above all else where you are at least reasonably happy and healthy, look after yourself and your loved ones.

You are in control here. There are so many ways you could take this and I hope you NEVER even entertain most of the darker ones.

You found a distraction in your game. and that's good. to an extent. At the same time, in doses you can handle.. just try to sit with it and let it suck. Just sit with the pain, cry, ask the "WHY?!" that'll never get a satisfactory reason, etc.. FEEL the pain, honor it. That will help you not only eventually start the healing process (which takes a LONG ass time) but it'll also help you honor life. Not just the life of your Father, but the life that is inside of you right now. Keep in mind, no matter what, you are 50% of that man for the rest of your life. So you can always honor him and then honor him again by honoring yourself.

While you feel this pain - make mental notes of what makes his life so special and the loss of it so tragic. can you now begin to see this same life in your Mom, yourself, your friends and other family members - not just the life that is associated with the name and physical face, but the life that just seems to always exist no matter how many of us humans, animals, plants, etc - pass our form...

Take care of yourself. Take care of your Mom. You KNOW he'd want that. The pain will be automatic, you really don't have to schedule an appointment or anything for that to happen - but you WILL need to purposely make sure you and your family are being taken care of properly.

The longer your life goes on, the more of him you will see in yourself. You can acknowledge it and in time, smile and nod to him and thank him for that trait.

Peace and strength to you and your family for your loss.