Thanks. I'm getting a bit better, I am just scaring the crap out of myself at night. It's like I developed an obsession with mortality, and it's driving me nuts. Arrgh..
i think that is normal in your case. at least it was in mine. like your case, my dad passing was the first death i really ever had to deal with in my life. i had 2 grandparents pass away before he died, but 1 of them i saw once every few years, and the other i just was not that close to so it never effected me.
and that lasted nearly 28 years. no deaths to worry about in 28 years. most of the older people in my family were in their 80's and 90's and everyone lives long. then all of a sudden, the one that dies is my dad.
it hits you in the face and you do realize that one day, you are also going to die. it just makes you think about death more in general, especially when it's the first time you've ever had to deal with it.
i also think that there really is no way to know how you will react to a close death until it happens. i was always the tough guy and i don't really wear emotions on my sleeve and stuff, but when my dad died i was like a fucking baby. i kind of helped my step mom and his family take charge with all of the arrangements too. i made the dvd that we played at his wake with hand picked pictures and songs that were chopped up to specific parts, and made the booklet that we handed out at his funeral. then i even organized the get together at his house after his funeral. and while doing all this i had tons of family support. that is just what helped me cope.
but even to this day when i talk about his death to someone it usually is hard for me and i get choked up.
there are even just little things though that you will think about that remind you and you get sad. i can remember a specific indicent where over a year after his death i went to a redskins game, and the guy infront of me was wearing a hat. literally the guy sitting in the seat infront of me. and he was an older guy. and my dad used to wear a lot of hats. everything about this guy looked like my dad from behind. when i got home and told my wife about it i just started balling out.
time makes it better but i just never forget. but in time you will definitely feel better.