Originally posted by: StormRider
I think it was a "perfect storm" that held me back.
I am naturally very shy (I thought my shyness developed during my teen years but I found a kindergarden report card where the teacher said I was well liked by the other kids but that I seemed afraid to interact with them).
I felt invisible to girls almost all my life. When I was younger, relatives would always tease my younger brothers whether they had a girlfriend or not. They never teased me about that -- except one time my favorite aunt said, "Hey, how come no one asks StormRider if he has a girlfriend?" But that only made me feel more uncomfortable. I remember lying in bed sometimes and wonder if there was something wrong with me -- was I some ugly monster or something? Was it unthinkable for me to have a girlfriend?
I know a lot of people will laugh this off -- but the media during my youth also made it seem like asian men were not desirable to women.
My parents also made it clear that they would disappove of having a non-Chinese girlfriend. Which is equivalent to saying there is no one for me because there pretty much was no Chinese girls during my school years.
So I got multiple messages from:
1) Girls (I'm invisible)
2) Family (You cannot have a girlfriend)
2) Media (Asian men are the least desirable of all men)
Plus, family responsibilitys (having to help out at family restaurant didn't do a lot for my self-esteem).
And finally, that little small problem I have joked about. Ever since I saw my little brothers naked and noticed that they were bigger than me -- even though I was almost a foot taller than them -- I have been obssessed with it. I used to hope that maybe it was all in my mind -- that it wasn't really as small as I feared it was. But everytime I researched it, I have come to the conclusion that it really is as small as I fear it is. Most women would probably have a problem with it. It's at the low end of the bell curve.
All these things was like a layer of defense that I've never been able to break through. They all came together like the perfect storm.