Hello! I'm new when it comes to posting, but I've been lurking here since my boyfriend, EGGO on these forums and I went to the meet in NYC last autumn, so maybe some of you remember seeing me that day. I'm a 19 year old freshman at Bryn Mawr College. Also, since you know I'm a girl I may as well get the whole pics request out of the way.. At any rate, I suppose I've been thinking of actually joining for a while, but a problem that I'm dealing with right now has prompted me to introduce myself here with a request for advice.
EGGO and I were planning on taking a trip together next weekend- we were going to drive to North Carolina and visit his good friend who lives there. He hasn't seen this friend in a long while, and I have never met him. We were looking forward to seeing this friend, in addition to having the experience of taking our first real long trip together (the only other traveling we have done together being our day trip to NYC during which we went to the meet). That trip was such a good time- and this one promised to be even better... a great experience and something that would continue bringing us even closer together. While I could have probably gotten away with going without telling my mother- if that was the case I not only would be unable to share my experience of the trip with her, and it would also put a lot of stress on the entire trip for me. I thought that, with the worries of her finding out that I had gone on such a trip behind her back, I certainly wouldn't be able to enjoy it to the extent that I wanted to.
With that in mind, I decided to tell her that I was going. Note that I am saying "tell"- as my original intent was to go no matter what she said. I told this to myself before I even talked to her, and I told this to EGGO as well- who in turn informed his friend that the both of us were definitely going. In retrospect, perhaps I should not have committed myself to the plan with such certainty, but at the time that's what I saw as the outcome.
To provide a bit of background on my mother, after being single for six years after my father's death in 1999 she finally remarried in the fall of 2005. The marriage ended up being a bad idea, as the man who she married turned out to be a real jerk- emotionally abusive on top of being pretty much mentally unstable- major OCD issues going on. He was unkind, his young daughter was intolerably rude, and the entire situation was a mess. I did not know this at the time, but these things were going on since the beginning of their marriage (right down to him ignoring her over the time that she took off from her job after the wedding). Because of this, she finally decided a few weeks ago that a divorce was in order. She moved out, and back in with my grandmother who we both lived with before the wedding. Yesterday, the both of them moved into a new apartment. In addition to the impending divorce and the move, several months ago she had an operation in order to examine what could have been breast cancer, and while it turned out to be benign, something went wrong in the operation that left her with a huge blood clot at the site of it, so painful that she was unable to go to work. Although she is getting better slowly, she is still in a good deal of pain. These things have what I believe is relevance in the end, so bear with me.
While I knew all of this when I called her to tell her about our plans, I suppose I had not anticipated the extent of the burden that was on her. When I called her last night she was completely unwilling to talk about anything. I talked to her again tonight, having a conversation about the things going on with the process of the end of her marriage, and in the end turning things toward our trip. In spite of my assurances that things at school would be taken care of, that we would be safe, that there would be no parties or things to worry about (all of which is true), in the end she told me that she would not allow me to go. The reason she gave was the immense stress on her (there's the reason why I provided the background on what's going on in her life) and the fact that, even with my explanations, my going on such a trip for the first time was putting yet another stress on her, one that she couldn't take. Additionally, when it comes to the particulars of the timing, my college's financial aid information will be due soon, and the time that we will be able to meet with the financial adviser or at least get started on the forms will probably be next weekend. In the end, I let go of my side of the argument, and said "okay."
Coming back to EGGO about this, and knowing I will also have to explain to his friend who was eager to meet me, he was very disappointed. I had made a promise that I would definitely go on the trip, and I was letting them down. On the other side of the discussion from mine- I am now living away from home, an adult to at least some extent. The decision and the burden of responsibility for it is mine. I am no longer under any "rule" of my mother's, or at least I shouldn't be. I'm an independent person who wants to do something and even made a commitment to do it.
It was a very hard decision for me to make, but, while I am making the transition from being a child living in my mother's house under her charge to being an adult living by myself under my own responsibilities, I feel that in this situation I really don't have a choice- I need to be the one thing in her life that is willing to go her way. That said, I am still left wondering if I did the right thing- if this was an instance in which, having already made up my mind that I would go on the trip, and wanting to go on the trip, and having made a commitment to go, I should have finally put my foot down. What do you guys think? Did I make the wrong decision? In either case, what should I do- seeing as I'm disappointing someone greatly no matter what?
Wow this is long...CLIFFS:
1. Hi, I'm new, I'm EGGO's girlfriend
2. EGGO and I were going to go on a weekend trip to NC
3. I decided to talk to my mother about it, not particularly wanting to go away behind her back
4. Mother is under a tremendous amount of stress
5. Mother says I cannot go because she is having such a bad time right now
6. I finally say "okay," not wanting to cause her more unhappiness
7. My inability to go on the trip is messing things up for everyone else though
8. I'm afraid I did the wrong thing, and need advice!
(that said...I think to get the whole idea you should read the long version, but I figured I should supply these since it's so lengthy)
Thanks so much in advance for any help you can give me!
EGGO and I were planning on taking a trip together next weekend- we were going to drive to North Carolina and visit his good friend who lives there. He hasn't seen this friend in a long while, and I have never met him. We were looking forward to seeing this friend, in addition to having the experience of taking our first real long trip together (the only other traveling we have done together being our day trip to NYC during which we went to the meet). That trip was such a good time- and this one promised to be even better... a great experience and something that would continue bringing us even closer together. While I could have probably gotten away with going without telling my mother- if that was the case I not only would be unable to share my experience of the trip with her, and it would also put a lot of stress on the entire trip for me. I thought that, with the worries of her finding out that I had gone on such a trip behind her back, I certainly wouldn't be able to enjoy it to the extent that I wanted to.
With that in mind, I decided to tell her that I was going. Note that I am saying "tell"- as my original intent was to go no matter what she said. I told this to myself before I even talked to her, and I told this to EGGO as well- who in turn informed his friend that the both of us were definitely going. In retrospect, perhaps I should not have committed myself to the plan with such certainty, but at the time that's what I saw as the outcome.
To provide a bit of background on my mother, after being single for six years after my father's death in 1999 she finally remarried in the fall of 2005. The marriage ended up being a bad idea, as the man who she married turned out to be a real jerk- emotionally abusive on top of being pretty much mentally unstable- major OCD issues going on. He was unkind, his young daughter was intolerably rude, and the entire situation was a mess. I did not know this at the time, but these things were going on since the beginning of their marriage (right down to him ignoring her over the time that she took off from her job after the wedding). Because of this, she finally decided a few weeks ago that a divorce was in order. She moved out, and back in with my grandmother who we both lived with before the wedding. Yesterday, the both of them moved into a new apartment. In addition to the impending divorce and the move, several months ago she had an operation in order to examine what could have been breast cancer, and while it turned out to be benign, something went wrong in the operation that left her with a huge blood clot at the site of it, so painful that she was unable to go to work. Although she is getting better slowly, she is still in a good deal of pain. These things have what I believe is relevance in the end, so bear with me.
While I knew all of this when I called her to tell her about our plans, I suppose I had not anticipated the extent of the burden that was on her. When I called her last night she was completely unwilling to talk about anything. I talked to her again tonight, having a conversation about the things going on with the process of the end of her marriage, and in the end turning things toward our trip. In spite of my assurances that things at school would be taken care of, that we would be safe, that there would be no parties or things to worry about (all of which is true), in the end she told me that she would not allow me to go. The reason she gave was the immense stress on her (there's the reason why I provided the background on what's going on in her life) and the fact that, even with my explanations, my going on such a trip for the first time was putting yet another stress on her, one that she couldn't take. Additionally, when it comes to the particulars of the timing, my college's financial aid information will be due soon, and the time that we will be able to meet with the financial adviser or at least get started on the forms will probably be next weekend. In the end, I let go of my side of the argument, and said "okay."
Coming back to EGGO about this, and knowing I will also have to explain to his friend who was eager to meet me, he was very disappointed. I had made a promise that I would definitely go on the trip, and I was letting them down. On the other side of the discussion from mine- I am now living away from home, an adult to at least some extent. The decision and the burden of responsibility for it is mine. I am no longer under any "rule" of my mother's, or at least I shouldn't be. I'm an independent person who wants to do something and even made a commitment to do it.
It was a very hard decision for me to make, but, while I am making the transition from being a child living in my mother's house under her charge to being an adult living by myself under my own responsibilities, I feel that in this situation I really don't have a choice- I need to be the one thing in her life that is willing to go her way. That said, I am still left wondering if I did the right thing- if this was an instance in which, having already made up my mind that I would go on the trip, and wanting to go on the trip, and having made a commitment to go, I should have finally put my foot down. What do you guys think? Did I make the wrong decision? In either case, what should I do- seeing as I'm disappointing someone greatly no matter what?
Wow this is long...CLIFFS:
1. Hi, I'm new, I'm EGGO's girlfriend
2. EGGO and I were going to go on a weekend trip to NC
3. I decided to talk to my mother about it, not particularly wanting to go away behind her back
4. Mother is under a tremendous amount of stress
5. Mother says I cannot go because she is having such a bad time right now
6. I finally say "okay," not wanting to cause her more unhappiness
7. My inability to go on the trip is messing things up for everyone else though
8. I'm afraid I did the wrong thing, and need advice!
(that said...I think to get the whole idea you should read the long version, but I figured I should supply these since it's so lengthy)
Thanks so much in advance for any help you can give me!